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Help me write the worst Buffy novel ever

Discussion in 'Introduction To The Watcher Diaries' started by Ragnar, Jul 13, 2017.

  1. Ragnar

    Ragnar Townie

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    Since there are so many bad ones, I feel writing the best Buffy novel probably wouldn't even be that hard. The real challenge would be to write the worst one. Here's my premise. I think I've hit on quite a few elements that make the books such classics. Contribute anything else you can think up.


    Hitler was actually a vampire (!) planning to create an army of the undead before being defeated by Soviet Slayer Tatiana Sokolov. We learn this from the journals of Ivan Smirnoff, her Watcher (and lover). Don't worry, these journal entries will be inserted frequently throughout the story, since everybody knows the best part of a Buffy novel is the stuff involving original characters. Well, that and the multiple page lists of martial arts moves err I mean fight scenes.

    Hitler's ashes wind up in Sunnydale (aka Boca Del Infierno...it's important this is mentioned at least five times) where Ethan Rayne is attempting to bring him back into existence. To make matters worse, Buffy accuses Willow of hitting on Joyce (who was actually dead at the point this story is supposed to take place, but whatever), putting a strain on their friendship and dividing the Scoobies. Luckily for Buffy these books all have a ton of cameos, so she won't be lacking in the help department. Can Buffy, Faith, Angel, Riley, Sam, Oz, Owen, Clem, Dracula, Anne, Olivia, Mr. Zabuto, Whistler, Lucy Hanover, Devon, Graham, Pike, Wesley and other random names from the show stop Ethan before it's too late? Find out in Book 1 of the Axis of Evil trilogy. Archivist note: This epic adventure takes place between the episodes Tough Love and Spiral.
     
  2. Ethan Reigns

    Ethan Reigns Scooby

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    Sineya
    Aw come on, that sounds pretty good. You can do worse than that!
     
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  3. Miditron

    Miditron A man with a Seabreeze

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    Best chuckle i've had all day. Don't forget to add Fray coming back from the future with the slayer scythe lol.
     
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  4. Athena

    Athena Belinda Staff Member

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    Black Thorn
    This sounds great! :D

    Don't forget to add multiple nameless potentials! And even better, name them and then confuse the audience with who they are. So, kill 'Betty' and then have her show up several chapters later, completely unharmed :p
     
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  5. WillowFromBuffy

    WillowFromBuffy "My bowling shoe fetish is not the issue here."

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    Can Rasputin be in it?
     
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  6. Last Watcher

    Last Watcher Tweed Icon

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    Sineya
    You could have Dawn going missing after telling Buffy she was going to stay over at Janices....but actually she had sneaked off with a boy, who just happens to be a Vampire, to see a concert by some new reality TV star called Glory.
     
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  7. DeadlyDuo

    DeadlyDuo Scooby

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    Have Buffy be a prostitute.

    People will hate it from the start. You could call it something like "To Lay or Slay"

    The key to writing the worst Buffy novel ever is to take these beloved characters and completely crap all over them. By the time you finish, Season 7 should look like an absolute masterpiece in comparison to what you have just written.
     
    Athena: Buffay the Vampire Layer? Lol
    ChaseRules: "To Lay or to Slay " That a good one
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  8. Fool for Buffy

    Fool for Buffy "I wanna see how it ends"

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    Sineya
    In Friends they make a joke about that. It's Phoebe doing porn and she calls herself Buffay the Vampire layer.
     
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  9. DeadlyDuo

    DeadlyDuo Scooby

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    It's Phoebe's twin pretending to be Phoebe that does the porn. Did that episode come out before or after Spuffy became a thing?
     
  10. Fool for Buffy

    Fool for Buffy "I wanna see how it ends"

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    Sineya
    Oh yeah it was her twin. That was season 6 of friends I think so it would have been before Spuffy lol.
     
  11. DeadlyDuo

    DeadlyDuo Scooby

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    Looked it up, it was before Spuffy. Buffay the vampire layer wasn't that far off the mark really when it comes to season 6 lol.
     
  12. Ragnar

    Ragnar Townie

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    Buffy the Porno would have made a great seventh season episode. It could have followed in the tradition of other plot device episodes like "Hush" and "Once More With Feeling".

    Sweet's brother Skeeze could come to town and cast a spell causing the inhabitants of Sunnydale to behave as though they're in a porn movie. The catch would be people would only act on desires they had prior to the spell. Buffy and Giles would not all of a sudden be getting it on. Or would they?

    I think this smutty spell could have actually served a purpose. There was a lot of celibacy though most of the seventh season. The porno spell would have been a great way to get Buffy & Spike, Xander & Anya and Willow & someone other than Kennedy and Faith & Wood (how appropriate) hitting the sheets in an entertaining way. We could even get a line from Andrew about how the First appeared as Timothy Dalton as a saucy attempt to seduce him back into his wicked ways.

    The characters would all talk in really cheesy, lame double-entendre laden dialogue. Even Giles. Especially Giles.

    I also think a porn music version of the Buffy theme song would really add to series and human civilization in general.
     
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2017
  13. ChaseRules

    ChaseRules When it comes to dating I the Slayer.

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    Sineya
    Or you could mix it up Like have the Spell cause Buffy to have sex with Kennedy in Willow room & after Willow seeing them bumps into Spike & shag him until he cant walk Dawn could be with a number of the potentials not being able to chose & Xander could try & explain to Anya how sleeping with Andrew isn't really cheating :D
     
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  14. Zenseem

    Zenseem Evil, skanky and kinda gay

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    Black Thorn
    Make Kennedy the protagonist. There, worst Buffy novel ever!
     
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  15. Ethan Reigns

    Ethan Reigns Scooby

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    Sineya
    Have Buffy come to the aid of Warren then hook up with him. I mean, Spike was right, she needs a little monster in her man. Then have a grand finale where Buffy and Warren face off against Dark Willow and have Warren be the survivor.
     
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  16. ChaseRules

    ChaseRules When it comes to dating I the Slayer.

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    Sineya
    Also have Xander fall for her & do what ever Kennedy wants . Minon Xander is back :p
     
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  17. Ragnar

    Ragnar Townie

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    The Dawn Diaries

    Have you ever wondered what some of the earlier episodes would have been like had Dawn been around? Find out in this novelization of the episodes "I Robot, You Jane", "Beer Bad" and "Go Fish" told through the diaries of Dawn Summers.

    Life of Riley

    An origin story. Before the Initiative, he was just a guy from Iowa. He went to school, ate healthy, played sports. Occasionally there would be a dentist appointment.

    I, Willy: Meditations on sex, survival and snitching in Sunnydale

    Told through his (mostly unpublished) letters to Penthouse Forum, this is Willy's story. Desired by Slayers, sirens, succubi and good old fashion sluts alike, the writings of this self-proclaimed Casanova offer a...unique perspective on life in Sunnydale.
     
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  18. ChaseRules

    ChaseRules When it comes to dating I the Slayer.

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    Sineya
    The Dawn Diaries sounds good .

    But I , Willy sounds like the worst ever :eek:
     
  19. Athena

    Athena Belinda Staff Member

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    Black Thorn
    The untold story of Adam and Eve:

    When Adam, the Initiative's misunderstood monster finds Eve, the Wolfram and Hart liaison to the Senior Partners - true love and hi-jinx ensue!
     
    ChaseRules: LOL
    Last Watcher: Mayor Wilkins could be the Snake of Temptation.....
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  20. Zenseem

    Zenseem Evil, skanky and kinda gay

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    Black Thorn
    I'd definitely read The Dawn Diaries. It has Beer Bad on it. That's enough reason for me to want to read.
     
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