Favorite Xander Jokes

[sosa lola]

I find Xander at his best humor wise during the high school years, specifically S1 and S2 when his humor was more on the witty and sarcastic side.

Some of my favorite Xander smackdowns:

"I'm sorry, but let's not forget that I hated Angel long before you guys jumped on the bandwagon. So I think I deserve a little something for not saying 'I told you so' long before now. And if Giles wants to go after the, uh, fiend that murdered his girlfriend, I say, 'Faster, pussycat, kill, kill." S2 Passion.

~*~*~

Cordelia: I know what it means, *dorkhead*.
Xander: (takes mock offense) Dorkhead! You slash me with your words! S2 What's My Line

~*~*~*~

Cordelia:Who am I supposed to be, again?
Xander:You're supposed to be a girl. Think you can handle it? S2 Innocence

~*~*~*~

Xander: For I am Xander, King of Cretins, all lesser cretins bow down before me. S1 The Witch

~*~*~*~

Cordelia: All I can think is, 'It could have been me!
Xander: We can dream.

~*~*~*~

Xander:Okay, next time we split up, someone else is on Cordy detail. Five more minutes with her and we would have had another organ donor.

~*~*~*~

Buffy: This means that whatever's out there still needs a healthy, intelligent brain.
Xander: In other words, I'm safe.

~*~*~*~

Buffy:I wasn't going to use violence. I don't always use violence. Do I?
Xander:The important thing is, _you_ believe that.

~*~*~*~

Giles: Here comes Buffy. Now remember, discretion is a better part of valor.
Xander: You could have just said shhh. Are all you Brits such drama queens.

~*~*~

Xander:Yeah, I'll whittle stakes.
Willow:And I can research stuff.
Xander:And while I'm whittling, I plan to whistle a jaunty tune.

~*~*~*~

Xander: So, you just went home?
Buffy: What was I supposed to do? Say to Owen, 'Sorry I was late. I was sitting in a cemetery with the librarian waiting for a vampire to rise so I could prevent an evil prophecy from coming to pass'?
Xander: Or, 'Flat tire'?

~*~*~*~

Cordelia: Of course you want to tell everybody, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I on the other hand, have everything to be ashamed of.
Xander: You know what, enough said. Forget it, it must have been my multiple personality guy talking, I call him idiot Jed, glutton for punishment.






What about you? When's your favorite Xander humor season? Also quotes?

 

[Fool for Buffy]

Season 2 is when he's at his funniest, probably because he really has no filter.

I also voted for season 5 because of the humor between him and Anya.
Here's some of my favorite Xander quotes:

Season 2
"Watcher's pet!" (Passion)
"I knew you were lying. Undead liar guy." (School Hard)
"A bitca?" (When She Was Bad)
"Yes, but I'll always be stupid. Let's not all rush to disagree." (What's my line, part 1)

Season 5
"Yes, cash equals good." (Real Me)
"Kill us both, Spock!" (The Replacement)
"Just once I would like to run into a cult of bunny worshippers." (Shadow)
"No one is judging you. It’s understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sorta compact but well-muscled." (Intervention)

 

[peaceofmind18]

Yeah I think high school Xander is hilarious as well
It was his humour ( and lack of filters lol ) plus all his riffs on pop culture that got me hooked on the show...

I loved the show when it was darker and more serious too but my favorite BTVS will always be early seasons with all the campy and witty...

 

[flow]

Okay, I don`t know, where it is from, but it is:

"I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide, until it goes away."

flow

 

[peaceofmind18]

Flow it's from the season 1 episode Witch - One of my faves too

 

[buffy1990]

Xander is so funny through most of the show. I like his humor in S4-5 especially.

From Something Blue:
Buffy: Spike and I are getting married!
Xander: How? What? How?
Giles: Three excellent questions.

From Buffy vs. Dracula:
Xander: You don't wanna come back to my place?
Anya: It's whites day, remember? The bleach smell makes me nauseous.
Xander: Fine! I suppose Dracula doesn't use bleach, huh? He's a darks-only man.

***
Xander: Damn it! You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt monkey!

From The Replacement:
Riley: Getting nostalgic?
Xander: I don't know. At first it's just a place, and then you start to make memories. Then you're like... that's where Spike slept, and there, that's where Anya and I drowned the Sepavro demon. Oh! And right there, that's where I got my heart all ripped out...........I really hate this place.

 

[peaceofmind18]

I feel the same buffy1990 there are just too many funnies that I love for me to pick just one..

Xander: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there were only 12 grades.

Xander: Oh, me and Buffy go way back, old friends. Very close. Then there's that period of estrangement where I think we were both growing as people but, now here we are like old times, I'm quite moved.

Xander: The only thing I can think is that you're building a really little fence

Xander: For I am Xandar, King of Cretins, all lesser cretins bow down before me.

Xander: No, I--I can't. I have my pride. Okay, I don't have a lot of my pride, but I have enough so that I can't do this.

Xander: I'm sorry. I'm unruffled by spiders. Now, if a bunch of Nazis crawled all over my face...

Xander: So the dummy tells us that he's a demon hunter, and we're like, 'Fine. La la la la.' He takes off, and now there's a brain. Does anybody else feel like they've been Keyser Soze'd?

Xander: Okay, that's it. I'm putting a collar with a little bell on that guy.

Xander: It's funny how the earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to

Xander: It's time for me to act like a man... and hide.

See my list is endless lol - I just LOVE high school Xander for all the funnies - love him...

If I had to pick one of the above tho. or one episode it would definitely be from The Puppet Show -

Xander: No, I--I can't. I have my pride. Okay, I don't have a lot of my pride, but I have enough so that I can't do this.

Everything he says and does in that episode just kills me, in a good way

 

[Puppet]

I'm personally in love with the "Bitca" moment, but another one that never fails to make me laugh, is when the gang are in the Bronze, Xander is reading a newspaper, and Angel walks up. Angel says "Buffy", Buffy says "Angel" and Xander, not wanting to feel left out lol, says "Xander". Always gets me

 

[Grace]

I think I would vote for the high school years, too. I shared this recently, but will again because it's one of my very favorite Xander moments:

(Source)

Also, I fear the Humor Police will arrest me for this one because it's so corny, but I love this joke:
Giles: I've never actually heard of anyone attacked by a lone baseball bat before.
Xander: Maybe it's a vampire bat. ... I'm alone with that one, huh?

 

[sosa lola]

@Fool for Buffy , Xander with no filters is the best Xander.

This moment is also gold! Xander and Snyder are comedy gold together.

gifs by starryeyesxx

 

[Fool for Buffy]

@sosa lola in Restless, Xander finally does get to be honest with Snyder.

"You know, I never got the chance to
tell you how glad I was you were
eaten by a snake."

So it came full circle!

 

[sosa lola]

One of my favorite Xander moments in Bad Eggs:

Made by starryeyesxx.