Xander’s first time wasn’t great. It wasn’t romantic and there was no cuddling - something he will express a desire for in The Harsh Light of Day and will be shown to enjoy with Anya later in the series. His first time was fast, “like a blur”, but he clung to it because it was his first time, and he naively believed it was supposed to be special.
For a guy who talks about sex constantly and objectifies women a lot, it comes as an interesting revelation that he feels that sex must mean something, and should lead to a relationship and a deeper connection with the person he sleeps with. The only person he sleeps with other than Faith is Anya, and Xanya marks the longest relationship in the verse, so it’s safe to say Xander isn’t into casual sex, not with a stranger. This is clear in the way he didn’t brag about having sex with Faith to anyone, didn’t talk about it to anyone at all until it came up in Consequences as he believed he and Faith had a special bond just because they had sex. This innocent look at sex is torn to pieces when he goes to see Faith again, and the insignificance of his first time ever - which meant a whole lot more to him - crashed down on him like falling bricks because it meant nothing to Faith.
I was listening to Still Pretty’s review on The Harsh Light of Day and it reminded me of my post:
Lani: So we have Xander’s view of sex here, that it should be about connection and personal intimacy as much as about sex itself. It’s clear that despite his repeated grossness about women that this is how he feels. We’ve seen this before when Buffy tries to seduce him in Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered, he turns her down ‘cause she’s under the influence. He wants to be chosen for himself, not just for the sex. And in the end he says about Anya’s advances, “Still more romantic than Faith.” Like he clearly requires some level of romance for sex. Like remember with Faith when he said, “We have a connection.” They’ve had sex. They didn’t have a connection, he’d misunderstood that as a connection, and when he tries to talk to her, she almost kills him. We see this element in Xander that sex for him is about more than just this conquest or this physical experience you can have with a certain person. For Xander, he really needs this romance and that connection.
Noelle: We’ve certainly seen him talk this talk of objectifying women, but when it’s there staring him in the face, it’s not what he actually wants. He wants love.
Xander’s grossness is just a facade, it’s just talk to make Xander seem manly, 'cause he thinks that’s how he’s supposed to talk, that’s what it means to be to be a man, it was how how father and society expected of him, and he didn’t want to be the exception. But it’s not who he really is! People call him Nice Guy, ****boy, Women-hater, Incel and all these new fancy words because of his comments, which are just a shield, the real Xander is the one who was massaging Willow’s head, and when she said, “Stop,” he said, and I quote, “Stop means no. And no means no, so, stop.” And he stops. That right there is the exact definition of respecting someone’s consent, and he understood it well.
For a guy who talks about sex constantly and objectifies women a lot, it comes as an interesting revelation that he feels that sex must mean something, and should lead to a relationship and a deeper connection with the person he sleeps with. The only person he sleeps with other than Faith is Anya, and Xanya marks the longest relationship in the verse, so it’s safe to say Xander isn’t into casual sex, not with a stranger. This is clear in the way he didn’t brag about having sex with Faith to anyone, didn’t talk about it to anyone at all until it came up in Consequences as he believed he and Faith had a special bond just because they had sex. This innocent look at sex is torn to pieces when he goes to see Faith again, and the insignificance of his first time ever - which meant a whole lot more to him - crashed down on him like falling bricks because it meant nothing to Faith.
I was listening to Still Pretty’s review on The Harsh Light of Day and it reminded me of my post:
Lani: So we have Xander’s view of sex here, that it should be about connection and personal intimacy as much as about sex itself. It’s clear that despite his repeated grossness about women that this is how he feels. We’ve seen this before when Buffy tries to seduce him in Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered, he turns her down ‘cause she’s under the influence. He wants to be chosen for himself, not just for the sex. And in the end he says about Anya’s advances, “Still more romantic than Faith.” Like he clearly requires some level of romance for sex. Like remember with Faith when he said, “We have a connection.” They’ve had sex. They didn’t have a connection, he’d misunderstood that as a connection, and when he tries to talk to her, she almost kills him. We see this element in Xander that sex for him is about more than just this conquest or this physical experience you can have with a certain person. For Xander, he really needs this romance and that connection.
Noelle: We’ve certainly seen him talk this talk of objectifying women, but when it’s there staring him in the face, it’s not what he actually wants. He wants love.
Xander’s grossness is just a facade, it’s just talk to make Xander seem manly, 'cause he thinks that’s how he’s supposed to talk, that’s what it means to be to be a man, it was how how father and society expected of him, and he didn’t want to be the exception. But it’s not who he really is! People call him Nice Guy, ****boy, Women-hater, Incel and all these new fancy words because of his comments, which are just a shield, the real Xander is the one who was massaging Willow’s head, and when she said, “Stop,” he said, and I quote, “Stop means no. And no means no, so, stop.” And he stops. That right there is the exact definition of respecting someone’s consent, and he understood it well.

Joan the Vampire Slayer
Great post! Very interesting.