So Xander is clearly a character who doesn't age well in terms of behavior. Many viewers coming to the show now often use the term 'toxic masculinity' to describe Xander (and pretty much ONLY Xander as far as I can see) in the way he acts and says.
Do these people have a point?
Xander does display toxic masculinity every now and then during the show, but it does not define him.
Is Xander a good example of this?
Sometimes he is. However, like other characters in the show, it just means he is not flawless. I think that if anything Xander's behavior reveals the way the writers of the show themselves regard masculinity, femininity, etc.
Are other male characters guilty of this?
Toxic masculinity? Yes, of course. It would be harder to find a male character on Buffy-or on television in general-who does not display toxic masculinity. These behaviors are often applauded, accepted, or excused. As somebody pointed out later in this thread, the phrase ''boys will be boys'' pretty much explains everything you need to know about why society in general accepts or excuses toxic masculinity, at least to a degree. Social constructions are what they are. Men are expected to act and be a certain way, and the same is true for women. We all deal with these pressures.
What parts of Xander's character manifest in this way?
Well, let's take each element of what is usually considered to be part of toxic masculinity and see which one applies to Xander.
1)
Hypercompetitiveness -> While Xander sometimes enters into competition with a fellow dude (e.g. Angel) for the attention of a woman (e.g. Buffy) or simply to prove his manliness (e.g. joining the school swimming team, the entire episode of
'The Zeppo', etc.), the occasions are rare where
hypercompetitiveness could truly be used to define him as a character. It is interesting to note, though, that Xander has less occasions to ''compete'' as the seasons progress because there are less and less men in the Scooby Gang (and I cannot remember a time when he actually competed with Giles xD).
2)
Aggression -> I would say Xander can show signs of aggressivity sometimes (probably connected to his upbringing and his father), but he never went to the level of The Pack!Xander on that front. After the first few seasons and his petty jealousy toward Angel (and anger toward Buffy), he mellows out and is quite tame during the rest of the show (save a few occasions, like that whole episode with Anya and Spike having sex).
3)
Violence/Intimidation -> This could rarely be applied to Xander (and, yes, I do not count the rape-y version of himself in 'The Pack'). As an outcast (or so he is depicted in the show), he was obviously more the victim of intimidation and violence than a perpetrator of them. I would go as far as to say that the fact he never decided to learn some form of self-defense or martial art during the course of the show proves that he has little attraction toward causing violence.
4)
Emotional detachment -> This goes hand-in-hand with the previous section. While Xander routinely tries to show off and look ''manly'' in the eyes of his-mostly girl-friends, he rarely does display this particular characteristic of toxic masculinity. Instead, he tends to be quite close to his-and others'-emotions, and he is often described as the heart of the Scooby Gang because of it. There would be too many scenes to mention here to prove this point, but for example sake just think of his intervention with Buffy when Riley is about to leave or of his discussion with Dawn after she found out she had not been chosen as a potential. To do a quick comparison, Buffy fits quite well with this characteristic, at least when it comes to her own emotions.
5)
Sexual objectification/Sexual predatorism ->This is without a doubt where Xander displays his most toxic attitude. Some of his typical humour and behavior (at least during the high school years) constantly revolves around his objectification of women, including some of his girl friends in the Scooby Gang. There is also his neverending berating of Cordelia which only get excused by the show, and by most viewers I would believe, because she is said to have been the bane of his and Willow's existence for many years. While he does not always insult her based on her gender, his jokes and comments are often gender-based. It has always bothered me that the writers decided to pair these two up. It gives and reinforce the notion that being shitty or acting terrible toward the other sex somehow is desirable and a good thing to eventually develop a bond. Bullshit, I say!
Xander also sexually objectify Buffy for a while (again, this pattern seems to mostly disappear in the later years) and repeatedly shows unhealthy obsession over her and over who she should or should not see (*cough* Angel *cough*). I think that when most people who hate Xander think of him, this is what they remember the most about his character (well, that and leaving Anya).
--
So yea, overall Xander was quite toxic in the early goings of the show, but his character slowly grew and became better in the last seasons. I think that, just like with some of the other characters, the writers learned to make him more complex as the story moved ahead. Buffy and Willow, for example, were also quite stereotypical at the beginning and it is over time that they became full-blown relatable human beings.
Personally, Xander is not my favorite character on Buffy, but I can still relate to him and understand him. He is a flawed man, just like Buffy is a flawed woman. I think that expecting perfection from every fictional character out there is a pipe dream. Instead, I believe we should learn and gain something from our observations of such flawed characters.
This could go on forever, but I shall stop here.
TLDR: Xander can be a sexist prick, but usually he is a good, caring friend.
And; Are 'inappropriate jokes' inherently a masculine thing?
Well, first you would have to define what an ''inappropriate joke'' is for you. But if you mean sexist jokes, then no. It is not a ''masculine thing''. Women use them too, including against each others. This issue is to blame on the patriarchal system we live in and not on individual men--most people participate in this system in one way or another (and, yea, I include myself in there).
