Buffyverse Flashfiction

What Am I, Stupid?​

With Adam defeated, Buffy collapsed and Riley caught her. In the other room, Giles, Xander and Willow were exhausted after their ritual and Willow started saying "Wow, that was..." when a demon burst through the barricade and into the room, only to be killed by Spike who was following. "Nasty sort of fellow," Spike said. "Lucky for you blighters I was here, eh?"

"Yes. Uh, thank you," Giles replied. "Although your heroism is slightly muted by the fact that you were helping Adam start a war that would kill us all."

"You probably just saved us so we wouldn't stake you right here," Xander said.

"Well, yeah. Did it work?"

"Nope," Buffy said from behind him, driving a stake into Spike's heart, the last expression on his face before he turned to dust being total shock.

The other three, and Riley, who was just behind Buffy, were looking at her in shock as well.

"Guys, the only reason I didn't stake Spike before is the chip meant he wasn't a threat. But look how much damage he's caused and how many people he's helped kill even with the chip, and all the people he could have caused the deaths of. And he thought he should be let go after this, after he clearly proved that even with the chip, he's dangerous? What am I, stupid?"

"Yeah... I guess that makes sense," Willow said. It looked like Giles and Xander agreed as well.

"So, who wants pizza? I'm starved!"
 

I Will Assist You!​

Anya and Buffy were seated together in the Bronze, the others all elsewhere, when Anya, just as Buffy was taking a drink, asked her out of the blue "Buffy, why aren't you gay?"

Some of Buffy's drink snorted out through her nostrils and she choked. Anya helpfully handed her a napkin to wipe up the mess. "Um, what?" Buffy said.

"Gay. Why aren't you?"

"Gah?"

"No, gay. Willow had a bad experience with Oz and now she's gay. Your experiences with men have been far worse. You should follow her example."

"I'm not attracted to women!" Buffy protested.

"Nonsense," Anya told her. "Xander has told me how you behaved around Faith. I have been around for over a thousand years, and I know when a woman is attracted to another woman, and by his description, you clearly were attracted to Faith and she to you.

"You should date a woman," Anya continued. "Now, let me see if I still have my eye for this." She looked around the Bronze, before settling on one woman. "That young woman there," Anya said to Buffy. "She is on her own, and she is only looking at other women. I believe she is looking for one as a sexual partner. You should speak to her."

"I can't speak to her!" Buffy protested.

"I understand. This will be your first sexual encounter with a woman and you are nervous." Anya patted Buffy's hand reassuringly. "Do not worry. I will assist you. I shall speak to her on your behalf." Anya stood up and headed towards the young women she had pointed out to Buffy.

"...help?" Buffy said quietly.
 

Oops​

Welsey rushed into the office in the Hyperion where Angel was standing over his desk with a mallet. "Angel! Stop!" he called out anxiously.

"What's wrong?" Angel asked him.

"That translation I did?"

"Yes?"

"I made a slight error with it."

"You said 'To keep the hell god imprisoned, break the urn.'"

"Yes. That was wrong. It should have been 'To set the hell god free, break the urn.' It is imperative you don't break the urn."

"That would have been very good to know, Wesley. About a minute ago." Angel gazed down at the broken pieces of the urn on his desk.

"Oops," Wesley muttered as the building began to shake and the ground to rumble.

Cordelia had followed Wesley in. "You need to contact whatever correspondence company you learned ancient languages from and ask for a refund," she told Wesley. "And you need to learn what 'slight error' means."
 

Enough is Enough!​

Buffy had had enough. She was storming home, Spike following. "It changes everything, Spike! I want you out! I want you out of this town. I want you off this planet! You don't come near me, my friends or my family again, ever! Understand?" she told him.

"No. It's not that easy," Spike told her. "We have something, Buffy. It's not pretty, but it's real. And there's nothing either one of us can do about it. Like it or not, I'm in your life," he finished as she entered her home.

"Easily solved," Buffy snarled at him, spinning round and driving a stake into his heart.

As Spike turned to dust, Buffy yelled at the dissipating cloud, "Enough is enough! I have had it! I did not appreciate you kidnapping me and chaining me up!"

"Really?" Anya asked from behind her. "That last bit can be fun!"

"Anya?" Buffy asked in surprise. "I didn't know you were there."

"I saw you stake Spike. I may not be a vengeance demon any longer, but I can still appreciate vengeance when it is done well."

"Oh," Buffy said. Then answered Anya's earlier question. "Being unwillingly chained up is never fun."

"Ah," Anya replied. "You enjoy it when it's done willingly then? When did you do it?"

"I am so not having this conversation with you!"
 

Noisy Dollies​

Spike was trying to concentrate on what he was reading, but the noise was making it difficult. It was worse than Harmony's yapping. Harmony had had her uses, Spike admitted, but sometimes he thought about hunting down the vamp who turned her and killing them. Just because. But that wouldn't help with the current noise.

"Dru, love?" Spike called out.

"Yes, Spikey?" Drusilla said. "I'm playing with my dollies."

"I know you are love," he said. Then looked at where several people were hanging from the ceiling, ropes holding them up like puppets, which Drusilla was controlling. "I know you're playing with your dollies, but the noise is getting on my nerves. Can't you at least gag them or something, if you aren't going to kill them?"

"But I like the noise, Spikey. I like the screams they make when I pull the ropes. But if they annoy my Spikey, I can help."

Drusilla went and got a package and gave it to Spike.

"Noise cancelling headphones?"

"They're the latest thing, Spikey."

Spike smiled. "You're so thoughtful, love."
 

Reprogramming?​

Buffy looked at the now-inactive April who had been brought back to the Magic Box and was currently in the basement. It was incredible how real she looked. Buffy reached out and stroked April's cheek. She even felt real. Cool, now, with no power, but it still felt like real flesh.

"I wonder if Willow can repair her?" Buffy mused to herself. "Though she'd need some reprogramming. No obeying that jerk Warren, for one thing. Maybe she could be made more human? Her personality was a bit shallow." Buffy paused. "No more than Harmony's, though," she snickered. "I wonder what April would be like if Willow could fix her up and make her more of her own person?"

Buffy paused. She realised she was still stroking April's cheek.

"Oh my god, what am I thinking!" She hastily jerked her hand away.

"That was really weird." Buffy hastily left April behind, heading back upstairs. Though she couldn't resist one last look behind her as she left.
 

No Hitting​

(More Wanya for @NoShip. 🙂 )

Buffy heard a knock at the door and went to answer it.

"Is Willow here? I need to see her," Anya demanded, pushing past Buffy.

"Hi Anya. Come on in."

"I am in," Anya said, somewhat confused. Willow came out of the kitchen.

"No hitting," Buffy said. Then Anya said "Willow!" with more excitement than Buffy expected. Buffy barely had time to think Huh? before Anya wrapped her arms around Willow, drew her close and kissed the redhead passionately. A kiss that Willow returned equally. Buffy realised she was standing there with her mouth open. She closed it.

When the pair finally came up for air, Willow, a little flushed, looked at Buffy and said, "So, um, well, I guess there's something we should tell you."

Anya put an arm around Willow's waist and said, "Oh, Buffy already knows about the spanking."

"Spanking?" Buffy said confusedly.

"Yes, though you called it 'hitting'."

"Hitting?"

Willow interrupted, as Anya was just confusing Buffy more. "Um, me and Anya, we're like, um -"

"Having lots of orgasms together!"

"Orgasms?" I need to stop doing that, Buffy thought to herself. "Um, I guess, okay, well, I'll leave you to it."

"No need," Anya said, grabbing Willow's hand and pulling her towards the stairs. "We're going upstairs to have sex now."

"Sex?" Stop it! "Right, well, I need to be... elsewhere."
 

What a Big Knife You Have​

Buffy paused in her fight with Faith, and drew the knife that used to belong to the other Slayer.

"My, what a big knife you have B. Are you going to stick it in me?"

"Yes, I am. I'm going to stick it in you. Plunge it in and out and in and out of your body... oh god what am I saying?" Buffy finished as Faith doubled over in laughter.

"Do you mind?" Buffy objected. "This is serious! I'm trying to kill you!"

"What with? Laughter?"

Buffy had the definite feeling she was losing control of the situation. Time to take control of it again. She threw the knife aside so that it stuck point-first in the wall - she could get it back later - and then threw herself at Faith, knocking the other Slayer back onto her bed.

"Finally got me in bed B. Whatya going to do to me now?" Faith asked Buffy, who was pinning Faith to the bed, her face only a few inches away from the other Slayer's.

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Well... yeah. That's why I asked," Faith responded with a cheeky grin that seemed unfitting to the situation at hand, at least to Buffy. She was trying to kill Faith after all.

Wasn't she?

"What do you want me to do to you?"

"I reckon ya know. And I reckon ya wanna do the same thing."

"Maybe I don't."

Buffy paused.

"Maybe I do," she whispered quietly.

She moved even closer to Faith, who stopped all attempts at moving away.
 

Say Hello to My Little Friend​

Spike had gone, but Buffy was still seething and getting angrier by the second; she might have revoked Spike's permission to enter her home, but that wasn't enough. Buffy headed to the basement and started rooting through the boxes, muttering "Where is it, where is it?", before finally finding what she was looking for. "Yes!" she said, pulling it out.

***

Spike was in his crypt when he heard Buffy's voice yell "Spike! Get out here!" from outside. He smiled to himself. "Knew she couldn't keep away." He went to the door and opened it. "Finally admitted we have something, Slayer..." he started, before trailing off, his eyes widening in horror as he saw what Buffy was holding. "Oh fu-" he said, trying to dive out of the way.

Buffy stared at the flaming remains of Spike's crypt with a smile. "Xander gives the best presents," she said happily, lowering the rocket launcher with a cheerful pat to it.
 

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God​

Buffy arrived home in the morning and could hear her mother humming happily in the kitchen.

"Mom? You sound happy... what the hell are you doing here?" The last was aimed at Spike, who was sat at the kitchen table wearing, oh god, her mother's dressing gown and by the looks of it not much else as Joyce cooked them both breakfast.

"I shagged your mum," Spike told Buffy.

"William, please," Joyce said, blushing slightly, "Language." She smacked Spike on the back of the head, nowhere near as hard as Buffy wanted her to, or as hard as Buffy herself really felt the urge to.

"You slept with... you call him William... oh god, oh god, oh god."

"That's what she said last night," Spike told Buffy with a smirk.

"William," Joyce told him in an admonishing tone of voice that Buffy recognised.

"Sorry, Jay," Spike replied, sounding genuinely abashed.

Oh god, he has a pet name for her?

"Honey, do you want to stay for breakfast?"

"No... I have to be elsewhere. Right now. I have to go immediately."

Oh god, oh god, oh god, kept running through Buffy's head as she rapidly fled. Mom... and Spike? Oh god, oh god, oh god.
 

No Biggie​

Buffy entered Spike's crypt, looking for him.

"Riley? What are you doing here?" she asked, only seeing him, his back to the door.

"Looking for Spike," Riley told Buffy, turning to look at her. "Have you seen him?"

"I haven't," Buffy replied. "I thought he was here."

"Doesn't look like it," Riley said. "I don't know where he is then."

"Did you look underground as well?"

"I did. Nothing there."

"Oh well, I'll find him later," Buffy said, turning to go. "Or not. No biggie if he's gone."

Riley looked down at his hands and, as Buffy was looking away, quickly dusted them clean, then put the stake he'd stuck in his belt inside his jacket.

"No biggie," he agreed.
 

Do You Want to Play a Game?​

Anya was looking after Dawn, because Xander was not home from work yet, Buffy was out Slaying, Giles was busy and the witches were out on a date. "Do you want to play another game?" she asked, given that they had just eaten pizza and finished watching a horror film. Well, Anya thought it was horror, given it had too many rabbits in it. One being too many when it came to bunnies, as far as she was concerned.

"The last time you asked, you suggested playing for money," Dawn replied. "Then you wanted to get me drunk."

"Don't be silly. Xander wanted you to get drunk. I only suggested how we could do it."

"Whatever. I'm still too young."

"But I told you how we could get around that," Anya replied, puzzled.

"I don't want to get drunk."

Anya thought on this for a moment. "You're okay with the gambling then?"

Dawn gave her a look. "No I am not!"
 

Forget I Asked​

"I don't think Halfrek likes me," Xander told Anya.

"Of course she doesn't. She's jealous. Just ignore her."

"Oh." Xander paused. "Um, jealous? Of me? Why?"

"Hallie and me were orgasm friends for about a century, and she is unhappy I am now with a man."

"Orgasm friends? You and Halfrek?" Xander thought for a moment. "Never mind. Forget I asked."
 

Child's Play?​

Spike entered to find Drusilla with Miss Edith. Drusilla was looking at another doll and Miss Edith was positioned so that she was seemingly doing the same. Next to Miss Edith was a large kitchen knife.

The other doll was significantly larger than Miss Edith, had red hair and dungarees and a pained expression on his face. And the head was the largest single piece remaining.

"Playing with Miss Edith again pet?" Spike asked.

"The other dolly was rude to Miss Edith," she replied, "and he had to be taught a lesson. She was unhappy with him."

"So you cut him up? Right."

"Me? Of course not. Silly Spike. Miss Edith carved him up. He made such lovely screams."

"Right, Dru. 'Course she did," Spike said, humouring her.

He then gave Miss Edith a suspicious look, having glimpsed movement from the corner of his eye. Was her hand on the knife a second ago? he thought. Could she... nah. Don't be silly. She's just a doll, Spike.

Spike did resolve to keep Miss Edith always in his line of sight. Just in case.
 

Weirdest Wedding You Ever Saw​

Buffy stabbed the vampire in front of her only for one she hadn't seen tackle her from behind. She landed on the ground with an "Oof!", her breath knocked out of her and currently pinned under the vampire's weight. The Slayer was struggling to get leverage when the vampire suddenly turned to taste.

"Pah!" Buffy spat vampire dust out of her mouth. "That never tastes any better." She looked up as a hand reached down.

"Who are..." Buffy started as she pulled herself up. "... Riley?"

It had been a few years since Buffy had last seen her ex, and some of those years were clearly marked on his face, yet he appeared unbowed, albeit more scarred.

"I was hunting the same vamps you were," Riley said.

"Sam?" Buffy asked. She could see Riley still had his wedding ring.

"She's at home looking after our daughter," Riley told her.

"And you left her there?"

"It was her turn."

"Turn?"

"We take it in turns," Riley explained. "When our daughter, Abigail, was born, we tried to leave this life behind, but couldn't as long as there were people to help. But we didn't want to deprive Abigail of both parents if something happened when we here hunting monsters together. So, one of us always stays behind with Abigail. If I was just leaving Sam home all the time as a stay-at-home mom she would get Upset."

Riley paused. "But..." he started. "I couldn't help but notice." He indicated the wedding ring on the hand Buffy had pulled herself up with. "Angel? Or Spike?" asking the latter with a surprising amount of calm."

"Neither," Buffy started. "It's a long story... duck!"

Riley dropped to the ground without hesitation as Buffy threw a stake, impaling the vampire coming up on Riley from behind, dusting it.

"Last one," Buffy said, holding out her hand to Riley in return. He took it and she easily pulled him to his feet again. "So... where were we?"

"You were about to explain your wedding ring."

"Okay. Right." Buffy composed herself again. "So, Angel and Spike. Angel, well, we loved each other, there was no question about it, but Angelus and the whole universe seemed to be conspiring against us. Eventually, we realised we could never make it work and both moved on."

"And Spike?"

"Spike... well, I never loved him and he loved me. Funnily enough, it was Spike who made me realise that, by straight out telling me as he went up in flames. He got better by the way. I don't think we even liked each other, when we were together. Spike, after seeing Hell with a soul and finally starting to realise what he'd done with his life, and done to others, felt regrets. He apologised to me for taking advantage of me when I was vulnerable and we are much better now. He'd probably apologise to you too. Spike is not the same person he was."

"Spike is different now," Riley said, dubiously, "but how does this explain your wedding ring?"

"I told you it was a long story!" She continued. "So, it was a couple of years after Spike had come back from the, well, I guess he was already dead. Anyway, I was around him and Angel and I noticed how they were acting with each other. They argued so much they could have been married. So... I had an idea. It took a bit of time, but I eventually got them to see what I, and everyone else, was seeing. They were meant for each other." Buffy paused. " I was their combination best man/maid of honour at their wedding. Xander and Anya and Willow and Tara officiated. Weirdest wedding you ever saw. They're now mostly running Angel Investigations together and providing back-office support for the Slayers. And they are still arguing like an old married couple."

"And you?" Riley asked again, indicating her finger.

"Long story, remember?" Buffy smiled. "So, there I was at the wedding, and I looked at Angel and Spike getting married and I realised something. Neither was the man - or vampire - for me. And no man really was. They were on the right track. It took some therapy for both of us, but I finally knew what I wanted. Introducing -" Buffy pointed at herself "Mrs Buffy Anne Lehane-Summers."

"You married Faith?"

"Yup. Or Mrs Faith Summers-Lehane as it is now."

"So, women now then?"

"Oh, Faith and I still like and enjoy men, but we love each other."

"Like and enj..." Riley's brain caught up with his mouth and told it to stop talking as he worked that out.

"Yeah, we have a great relationship now." Buffy paused again. "Anyway, it was great catching up with you Riley. We shouldn't leave it so long next time. Here," Buffy gave him a card with her name and a phone number on it. Give me a call. You and Sam can come over and the four of us can do things together. Later!" Buffy said as she walked away as Riley tried to work out if Buffy had meant what he thought she meant by that. And imagined telling Sam that.
 

Sorry, Luv​

Spike sighed and looked down. "Sorry, luv," he said. "It's not your fault and I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

He leaned against the wall and stared off into the distance. "It's just been so tiring recently, having to pretend so I don't get that lunatic's suspicions up, and all the frustration of pretending to be something I'm not." He looked down again. "And here I am, taking it out on you when you've been nothing but helpful to me. If it wasn't for you, I couldn't have pulled it off."

Spike pushed himself away from the wall and starting walking around. "You've no idea how good that feels, after the past months." He sighed. "And you're a right good listener, too. I don't deserve your help, that's true, but I'm going to dop better."

Spike returned to where he'd been standing before. He bent down and righted the wheelchair, giving it a brush down. "I promise I'll treat you better from now on, like you deserve. We're nearly done now, luv."
 
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