In The Town Of Nithian Is The Pornithian Hotel

[ILLYRIAN]

In The Town Of Nithian Is The Pornithian Hotel Part 1

As a group they had taken the bus that was going to the village of Ruddup but they only wanted to get as far as the transport cafe far as I’m concerned we ought to get a bus and go to the café. When the bus stopped on a side road near the café the group got off the bus and started to walk towards the café.

As they reached the door Mary-Belle opened it to let them in, no sooner that they were inside Janice moved two tables to be alongside each other. She wanted them to all sit at the same table. Once that was done Mary-Belle Daniel and Trevor had a chance to have a look about the café with Ruth. Janice had gone to the counter to get a tray for the mug of coffee for each of them.

Sat at a table near them Janice noticed the three others were at a nearby table that seemed to be sharing a cup of coffee between them. Janice smiled at the people on that table, “Can’t you afford a coffee each?” The young woman at the table replied to Janice saying, “Times are hard for them at present.” Janice looked to her and smiled.

“My name is Janice who are you?” asked Janice. “Loretta, my name is Loretta, thanks,” said Loretta. Janice looked to each of them on the table and she looked to the single cup in the middle of the table. Janice asked “Do any of you have a job?” Loretta replied, “We all have work but unfortunately it isn’t what you night refer to as regular work,” said Loretta.

Mary-Belle grimaced. “When you say the work is not regular do you mean, isn’t it your normal kind of thing to do or is it something that is not done everyday?” asked Mary-Belle. On the table Jerry faced Fischer and Loretta, he looked at the mug in front of them and asked, “Is it my turn?” “No it is my turn,” said Fischer. Fischer looked to him and sneered.

“I am so glad it is my turn,” stated Fischer somewhat sarcastically. Fischer reached across the table to get the spoon which he half filled with sugar, he then put it into his mouth. He refilled the spoon with coffee and put a few sips of milk into his mouth. He poured some hot water into his mouth. Putting the spoon into his mouth he wiggled it about, when he was ready he swallowed the mixture.

Jerry picked up the teaspoon from the table then looked to Loretta. “There has got to be an easier way than this,” said Jerry. “Yeah, flaming right Jerry,” said Fischer. Jerry put half a spoon of sugar into his mouth, then takes the spoon out. He has a mouthful of coffee, then added the hot water to the mix then he shook his head. “It still doesn’t taste right,” said Jerry.

Loretta looked at him, she shook her head in disgust. “That does not surprise me, you did not add any milk,” stated Loretta. Fischer smiled to Jerry. “And like I said last time, coffee should always be stirred, not shaken,” added Fischer. “And all this because I don’t like sugar. Thank you Jerry, you are so sweet,” said Loretta. Loretta smiled to Jerry as he handed her the milk.

“Lucky you, even Loretta thinks that you are sweet,” said Fischer. “Yeah great! Thanks! Of all the ways to ruin a guys good reputation. She goes and says she thinks I am sweet,” said Jerry. “What, really, you had a reputation? Was it a good one? Who gave it to you?” asked Loretta. Fischer grinned. “Can’t you just see the promo’s now. Here come the Lesbian Vampire Hunters, they are all sweeties really.

Bloody great!” muttered Jerry. “And all this because he forgot to have a mouthful of milk,” said Loretta. She started to laugh. “I wish we had some more money,” said Fischer, “Heck I wish we had some ruddy money.” Janice leant over her table towards their table. “Excuse me you guys but if you can’t afford a drink each, I’ll get you one,” said Janice.
“I am more interested in them being Lesbian Vampire Hunters,” said Mary-Belle.

“I bet you are glad you are not a lesbian then, sweetie,” said Janice. “That is a thought, should I laugh at that or should I comment about Mary-Belle being a vampire?” Janice went to the service counter to get a tray with three mugs of coffee on it.

She takes the tray to her table. Fischer looked puzzled at her. “Why did you say sweetie to Mary-Belle? I mean we do not care if you are lesbian only if you are Lesbian vampires,” said Fischer. “Really, I take it you do not know that we are vampires?” asked Roger. “I am more bothered about why she thought we are a bit broke?” asked Jerry.

“Bit confused here, are we more bothered about us being broke or that Mary-Belle is a lesbian or that she is a vampire?” asked Loretta. Mary-Belle faced Loretta and blew her a kiss. “How do you fancy being a vampire, if you do you might get to be a lesbian as well?” asked Mary-Belle. “Oh I never realised that, being a lesbian is a trait passed down from another lesbian,” said Ruth.

“Stop it you lot I am not a vampire or a lesbian,” said Loretta. “That’s right, ruin my day. If you wanted to I could make you a vampire, the lesbian thing comes naturally,” said Mary-Belle as she blew another kiss to Loretta. “You know what Jerry, I know how we could have some money,” said Fischer. Loretta noticeably glared at them. “I cannot win here can I, I have told the both of you I am not going to do that!” exclaimed Loretta.

Janice stretches across the tables to put a mug of coffee in front of Jerry, Fischer and Loretta for them. Mary-Belle looked to Loretta. “What is it Loretta, what is it that they want you to do?” asked Mary-Belle. “They want me to make a spectacle of myself, and earn us some money.” Loretta pretended to look angry with Fischer and Jerry.

“Oh go on, we’ve got your back,” said Jerry. “It’s not my back I’m thinking of,” replied Loretta. She looks down at her chest and shook her head. “I am not doing it!” said Loretta. “Oh go on Loretta, just think of all that make up you could buy, all those lovely clothes, and hey the shoes!” exclaimed Fischer

“I’ve already told you. I am not going to do it!” exclaimed Loretta. “Food, food, oh how I miss the food. Oh and the coffee,” said Fischer. “Mmm a coffee each, and dare I say it, a beer each,” said Jerry. Jerry begins to grin widely. “No, no and NO,” stated Loretta. Loretta stared to Jerry. “I am not going to be a lesbian either,” said Loretta.

“What, are you guys really lesbian vampire hunters? Is it that you guys normally do?” asked Roger. “Yes we are lesbian vampire hunters,” said Jerry. “Isn’t that a bit sexist, only hunting women?” asked Janice. “Yes and no,” replied Loretta. “Women vampires who fancy other women, are lesbian vampires. Do they be only vampires or should they be both be lesbians and vampires?” asked Loretta. “It does bear thinking about,” said Janice. Fischer started to laugh. “She said bearing to think about it,” said Fischer. Fischer laughed again.

“Forgetting all about that, trying to forget that, what is it they want you to do Loretta?” asked Mary-Belle. “Oh right yes, of course,” said Fischer. “It will really help us,” said Jerry. “They want me to front a Lesbian Vampire Hunters stall at some comi-con, we have signed on to do, they want me to wear a long blonde wig.” Daniel leans towards them across the table.

“Tell me a bit more about these vampires you go after, is it any type of vampire?” “No, it’s only the lesbian vampires we hunt.” said Fischer. “Yes that is it, tell me more about these lesbians, can any girl be one?” asked Daniel. Jerry grinned. “That is true actually, any girl can be one or even pretend to be one,” said Jerry. “So Loretta might just have to pretend to be a lesbian, what is the problem?” asked Daniel. “It is not the lesbian thing that bothers me,” Loretta looks up in disgust at herself,

“I should not have said that around Jerry, it is the wearing a long blonde wig and pretending to be that other vampire hunter/ slayer girl,” said Loretta. “Not to give her a free trip out of it but it is true we only go after lesbian vampires,” said Jerry. “I just wanted to make sure, it was only lesbian vampires you went after,” said Roger. Daniel looks upwards, then smiled. “Is there a specific reason why you only want to get lesbian vampires?” asked Mary-Belle, she smiled to herself and looked to Loretta.

“Bloody sexist I call it, at least you might get something else from it,” said Mary-Belle. “Did someone just forget to say sweetie,” said Janice. “No but thank you for reminding me,” said Mary-Belle. “I had a bad experience a while ago, the idiot just wouldn’t take no for an answer.” said Loretta. Jerry began to grin. “Admittedly it was all my fault, I was trying to get Loretta fixed up with a bloke.”

Loretta looked angrily at Jerry. “Huh, some bloke,” she said. “Yeah I know, sorry about that, what I thought was a handsome bloke wasn’t a bloke at all, the bloke was, well, he turned out to be some type of a Lola, out for a walk on the wild side.” “Yeah, tell me about it,” admonished Loretta. “It did not stop there you see, he was a she and she was a he who was a vampire who only liked other girl vampires,” said Fischer.

“Flaming lesbian vampire indeed,” said Loretta. “So one thing led to another and well, we have been out there killing lesbian vampires ever since,” said Jerry. “Killing? A minute ago you were just hunters,” said Roger. “That’s alright then, you know, sort of. So Loretta what did he mean about it being too subtle? What else is it that they want you to do?” asked Janice.

The main door opens and another customer enters the café, he goes to the service counter and speaks to the waitress. “Excuse me, but that big black hearse outside? Whose is it?” asked Geoff. The waitress pointed to Loretta, Fischer and Jerry. “One of them,” she said. Geoff turned to face them and in a raised voice. “So that hearse you’ve got, which one of you owns it?” asked Geoff.

Fischer pointed to Loretta. “She does, it’s hers.” Everyone started to laugh. “What?” asked Geoff. “Hers hearse was a play on words,” said Roger. The waitress attracted the man’s attention and asked him. “What can I get for you?” Geoff looked at the food in the display shelves. He gently spoke to the waitress. “I’m trying to stay on a healthy, well balanced diet.”

“I know what that type of thing is, one with all the right nutrients?” asked the waitress. “That’s right, so I’ll have Fish, chips, baked beans and a couple of slices of bread thanks,” said Geoff. She put a plate with two slices of bread on it. “I take it you want me to leave off the butter and the margarine?” replied the waitress. “That’s the one, or they are to oily. Oh, and I don’t want any frozen chips either.”

“That is alright sir we only sell chips that have been fried here. Anything else I can get you?” asked the Waitress. “Hmm oh yeah, I want a good packet of cigarettes please?” asked Geoff. The waitress was surprised by what he said. “You want cigarettes as well? They are not very healthy!” “Oh sure, I know that, but I don’t want to O.D. on too much healthy stuff, do I?” said Geoff.


To Be Continued

 

[ILLYRIAN]

In The Town Of Nithian Is The Pornithian Hotel Part 2

Geoff looked about the cafe. He wandered towards an empty table as he neared Loretta. “So, excuse me Loretta, but why did you get yourself the hearse?” asked Geoff. Loretta smiled “When I saw that film, Suck. I thought the hearse would be a good idea,” said Loretta. Fischer whispered to Jerry. “I hope she does not mention anything about that stake,” said Fischer

Trying to change the subject Mary-Belle asked Fischer about the vampires that he, Jerry and Loretta chased, “How do you kill them?” asked Mary-belle. “Is it a humane killing? Hmm, how does one humanely kill a vampire?” asked Jerry, “I didn’t know there was a humane way of killing a vampire,” stated Fischer.

Jerry started to laugh. “Staking a vampire, I can just imagine that going to court.” He began to speak in a deeper voice. “I’m sorry your honour, I didn’t mean to get a splinter in it as well.” “So how do you kill them?” asked Trevor. Fischer whispered to Jerry. “Uh oh, I can feel talk about the stake coming on.”

“Simple, I keep a special wooden stake, it is in the hearse,” said Loretta. “Please, don’t let them see it,” said Jerry. Loretta goes outside, when she came back into the café she glared at Jerry. “Here it comes,” said Fischer. Loretta slammed the door behind her. She stood just inside the door and held up the wooden stake as she glared to Fischer and Jerry.

“So what the bloody hell is this?” asked Loretta. Fischer smiled to Jerry. “So now everyone knows what you do in your spare time. Nice one.” “Thanks,” stated Jerry. Loretta walked to their table she held the wooden stake to them so everyone could see the red end. “Which one of you pratts did this?” she asked. Fischer looked to Jerry, he tried not to laugh.

“You painted its end!” exclaimed Fischer and he burst out laughing though Jerry tried not to laugh. “It is not that funny,” stated Loretta. Even so Jerry burst out laughing again. Loretta stared at both of them. “Well sorry, I suppose, but hey, so flaming funny,” said Fischer. “Look at it, at least you could have done painted it properly,” said Loretta.

“Yeah, okay,” replied Fischer trying not to grin, “Yes, naughty Jerry,” he added. “In my defence,” stated Jerry, “I did want to do it properly, I really did but we didn’t have enough money for me to do it properly,” Jerry looked at Loretta just as Loretta was getting angry, “Are you trying to be subtle?” asked Fischer.

“If it does the job, yes,” replied Jerry. Mary-Belle faced Loretta. “If it helps, and you are ok with it we’ll all be there to help you out at our Lesbian Vampire Hunters stall,” said Mary-Belle. “Do not remind me about that , “I’m meant to wear a short tight mini skirt and a see thru white top. Supposedly it is to attract lesbian Vampires.”

Loretta asked why she agreed to do it? A young woman walked up to Loretta, she put a hand on her shoulder and asked her if she was a lesbian. “No I am bloody well not,” Loretta replied. “Our girl does not sleep with girls,” said Jerry, “And she doesn’t stay awake with them either,” said Fischer. Jerry faced the young woman, “We hunt Lesbian vampires and kill them.”

Jerry looked to Fischer, he slowly began to smile. Loretta went to sit with Janice at the back of the stall. Janice asked Loretta what they had planned to do next. “It’ll be in the book,” said Loretta so she reached under the counter to see what was next in the appointments book. “It has got written here that we are due to go to the town of Nithian, to the hotel there.”

“How many vampires are there?” asked Jerry. Fischer said without looking at the list. “I was told that there is eight of them.” “Who told you that?” asked Daniel. “The owner, a Mrs. Audrey Billings,” said Fischer, “She said that the vampires who eat there are scaring her other customers away from there.” “Is there any other reason?” asked Daniel.

“Well, apart from the vampires scaring away her other customers, hose vampires are not known for being big eaters.” “That’s a thought, about these Lesbian vampires what is a group of them known as?” asked Janice. “I’m not sure, but it can’t be a nag of lesbian vampires,” added Fischer. “Oh and why not asked Loretta.” “Yeah, I’m with her,” Mary-Belle stopped.

“Err no! I did not mean that, I am not with her as such, we are not lesbians.” Mary-Belle took a long look at Loretta. “But then again,” Mary-Belle smiled to Loretta, “Although I do not know why it can’t be a nag?” Fischer grinned to her. “From what I’ve been told, and this is just here-say, but many women do not start to nag until after they are married,” said Fischer.

Mary-Belle stared angrily at him, “Oh really!” “So I’m told,” said Fischer who then sighed with relief. “The correct term for them is a Bed, a Bed of lesbian vampires,” said Janice. Jerry grinned then began to smile, he suddenly burst into fits of laughter. “What? What is it? What are you laughing at now?” asked Loretta.

“You can’t see it? Where we are going, what we are going there to do?” asked Jerry. “What is so funny about what we are doing to do?” asked Loretta. Jerry shook his head towards her, “We are going to the Manor House, the Hotel of Pornithian,” said Jerry. “So,” said Loretta. “The Hotel of Porn, looking for a BED of lesbians vampires?”

“Oh yeah,” added Loretta. They all laugh. “We could help you guys, if it’s ok,” stated Janice. “And do what?” asked Fischer. “Well, I am a vampire,” said Mary-Belle. She looked to Loretta, “But not a lesbian.” “I am a vampire as well,” said Daniel. Jerry glance at him, “You’re not are you.” Daniel took on the look of a vampire, “Yes, I flaming well am.”

Jerry shakes his head. “No, I don’t think so.” “You can’t join us, I mean, we kill vampires,” stated Loretta. “I thought you said you only kill Lesbian Vampires,” said Mary-Belle. Fischer grinned to Jerry and Loretta. “Oh, just let them join.,” he said, “It might be worth a laugh or two,” stated Fischer.

Standing in front of the stall they look to the stall opposite them, that stall is for the SEXUAL RIGHTS FOR MONSTERS. “I wonder what their view would be for a lesbian vampire?” “Technically there would have to be two vampires,” said Janice. “Or more,” smiled Mary-Belle. “Well we could keep talking about lesbians,” smiled Jerry.

“I suggest that we keep to the vampire thing,” said Loretta. Fischer grinned. “Yes let’s stick to vampires,” added Fischer. “Was that meant to be funny?” asked Garret. Fischer looked puzzled. “No,” he replied. “Stick, which might be a piece of wood a piece with a sharpened end, one that has been painted red," "Oh yeah,” said Jerry.

“One with a painted red end? He looked at Garret’s glare. “Although not too funny from your side of the fence, sorry,” said Daniel. “So how many of us is there? How many will be going?” asked Loretta. “If the transport is your hearse, there’s room for six people, seven at a squeeze,” said Mary-Belle.

“We could put two residential coffins in the back, that would be good,” said Garret. “But we haven’t even got one coffin,” said Jerry. “Can we afford to buy one,” added Fischer. “We can get two of them, easy,” said Garret. “Where do we get them from?” asked Jerry. Janice began to laugh, then she suddenly stopped.

“I nearly said about second hand ones,” said Janice. They stared at each other. Jerry looked to Garret and Roger. “Can we leave getting them to you?” asked Jerry. “We are at a horror convention people, you’d think that we should be able to get at least one coffin here.” Loretta looked away, “You sort it out between yourselves we are going.”

“The ball is in your court, so to speak. We will meet you in the car park after we close up.” Later that evening they find themselves standing by the hearse, in the back of the hearse are two coffins they have a coffin each. Mary-Belle, Janice, Daniel and Roger, Loretta, Fischer and Jerry having walked across the car park, stand just in front of them and the hearse.

“Oh, look at us, I wish I had a camera right now,” said Jerry. Fischer was confused, “What for?” “With those coffins in the hearse that has got to be a Kodak moment.” “Not really,” stated Loretta, “All I can think of is that we will all fit in the hearse now.” “It’ll be nice and comfy on the front seat, I bags sitting next to Loretta.”

Suspiciously, Fischer looked at Roger and Daniel. “I’d like to know where they got the coffins from. “That is easy, we have some friends nearby, we offered them a swap for ours,” said Jerry. “Don’t you mind being in someone else’s coffin?” Fischer. “Why would we? We don’t know whose coffins they were before,“ said Daniel.

“Those coffins had other people in them before? But you said you got them from your friends?” asked Jerry. “Yes, we did, but they had to dig them up and chuck out the residents,” said Daniel. “What?” asked Fischer. “Where do you think they came from?” asked Daniel. “I never even thought of where you might have get them?” asked Jerry.

“Did you really think we would buy them new? Besides I need some money to buy this.” Daniel took a pack of blood from an inside pocket. “What sort of blood is that?” asked Jerry. “Synthetic true blood.” A young woman ran through the car park she stopped and smiled at Mary-Belle. “Mary-Belle? Did you smile at her?” asked Loretta, “Are you a lesbian?”

Loretta looked in the back of the hearse. “Knowing that they are in the back of the hearse like that I do like the idea,” said Loretta. Daniel and Roger clambered into the coffins, about to close the lid Roger smiled, “Lets face it, we won’t get any trouble with tailgaters.” “Come on you lot it is time to get going,” said Daniel.

Loretta drove the hearse along a main road them through a town. As the hearse got closer to the town the speed limits slowed and the traffic drew closer. At a queue approaching a set of traffic lights the car behind them kept getting closer a bit too close. Loretta patted the two coffins. “Come on you two, we are nearly at a set of lights with a tailgater.”

As the traffic lights changed both the coffins opened, Daniel and Roger sat up. They waved to the driver of car behind them, then lay down and closed the coffins. With the colours changed they began to move, the car behind them went in a different direction and accelerated.
Fischer watches as the car drove away.

“I must admit that did seem to work a lot better than I thought,” said Fischer. “’Ere who is the wise guy, who put this bloody lump of wood in here?” asked Jerry. He holds up the stake with a painted red end. Daniel closed his coffin quietly, everyone in the hearse hear Daniel laughing loudly.



To Be Continued

 

[ILLYRIAN]

In The Town of Nithian is the Pornithian Hotel part 3

Slowing down, Jerry is about to turn into the entrance of the first of the towns motels they had seen. “Careful,” called Mary-Belle. Jerry instinctively braked, “What is it?” he asked. Mary-Belle pointed to some children who had been walking along the footpath across the entrance to the motel, they are about to walk in front of the hearse.

“Mind the kids,” said Loretta. Having waited until all the children had passed the entrance to the motel, Jerry proceeded to drive the hearse to a petrol bowser. Loretta went to the Motel’s reception to request their rooms. She asked for the bill for the petrol to be put on the account for their rooms. When Jerry got back to the hearse he was happy.

“Hey guys, I just saved us some money I told the receptionist at the desk that we needed to keep an eye on the coffins in the back of our hearse, we got a room free to put them in. After the fuel tank had been topped up the hearse was moved to a side area where Mary-Belle was able to check the oil levels on the car’s engine with no one about.

She noticed that Jerry and Janice were laughing and joking with each other while they pointed at her. “Are you two making jokes at my expense?” asked Mary-Belle. Jerry and Janice looked at each other feigning innocence. “Us? No, whatever gave you that idea?” asked Janice. Mary-Belle leant on the bonnet of the car, she glared directly at the both of them.

“Every time you looked at me you were starting to laugh or you were already laughing. What is it?” asked Jerry. “It was nothing really, I was just saying to Janice that I need a drink. Then I noticed that you looked as though you were talking to yourself.” “Care to share with us why you looked as though you were talking to yourself?” asked Jerry.

Mary-Belle snootily replied to Jerry, “Well, of course I wasn’t talking to myself I mean that would be ridiculous. No, I was talking to the car,” said Mary-Belle. “Oh, right, you were talking to the car, there you go Janice, that sounds so much better,” said Jerry. Jerry and Janice began laughing again. “In case you didn’t realise it, the hearse is Spanish.

I was simply teaching the hearse to speak English.” Mary-Belle then poked the tip of her tongue to Janice. “I would have thought you would have known that.” Sticking her nose in the air Mary-Belle she begins to walk away. Happy with herself, at hearing the silence behind her. Mary-Belle concentrated on the area by the petrol bowsers.

“Now where did I leave the service attendant?” Jerry was a bit perplexed as he watched Mary-Belle walk away, he turned to face Fischer, “Was she being serious?” “No, of course she wasn’t, that would be silly. She was just having a laugh at our expense, who ever heard of a person teaching a Spanish car to speak English?” “That’s true,” said Jerry.

“What a silly thought, how many cars do you know that can be taught a second language?” Fischer walked away from Jerry, he had begun to grin to himself. Janice was uncomfortable with herself, “What?” She looked to the floor near her shoes. “What does did he mean when he said a second language?” Janice continued to shake her head,

even as they walked into the restaurant they sat at a table and waited for someone to come and serve them. They waited for a while. Loretta was puzzled, she faced Mary-Belle, you did ask where you left the service attendant? What did you mean?” asked Loretta. “Simple, I could not remember where I had left him,” said Mary-Belle.

“You didn’t drink him did you?” asked Loretta. “Well yeah, why not?” asked Mary-Belle I mean I am a vampire.” “I don’t suppose he is the waiter for this table as well is he?” asked Loretta. “Oh I did not think about that, oh well,” said Mary-Belle. “Huh, you vampires, you seem okay with drinking car service guy but you appear shocked about him waiting on this table, why?”

“Simple really, it is due to the sign on the wall about this table being for the Smorgasbord area. “Ah, oh, yes.” They all stand up and go to the service counters and get some food they eventually go back to the table and eat the food. After the meal they go back towards their room via the area where the petrol bowsers are. A coach has just stopped to get some diesel.

“I am none to sure about this but what if the attendant I drank was by himself. If so I the driver is an bit of an extrovert.” “Why do you say that?” asked Jerry. “Why do you ask that?” “Well if he isn’t, he could have been out there for a long time but please, say you didn’t?” asked Janice. “Didn’t what?” asked Mary-Belle.

“You didn’t drink all of the service attendants, did you?” stated Janice accusingly. Mary-Belle smiled as she went to her room, a guilty expression on her face. A bit later that evening as they are all sitting in the same room, some of them watching the television. Some are eating a take away. Loretta asked what time should they go to Hotel?”

Fischer said it’d be best if they went there when all the vampires are falling asleep. Then he looked at Daniel and Roger. “Why not go there tomorrow morning we’d get it over and done with when we could see what we are doing.” Knowing the sarcasm in his voice he led them to the hotel. “I saw what was being said, but you do understand a vampire can stay awake during the day if it wants to, as long as the do not get in the sun,” said Daniel.

“And we all know why you lot won’t go in the sun don’t we,” stated Jerry. “None of us want to get a melanoma?” asked Daniel. “That’s right,” stated Roger. “So, do we go in the day or night? asked Loretta. “We go in the dark but stay inside during the light,” said Mary-Belle. Daniel led the way into the hearse letting Jerry drive them there, after driving the mile or so further along the road they turned into the entry for the towns hotel, the Pornithian Hotel.

“I hadn’t seen it as that before, the Porn Hotel,” said Jerry. They proceeded to the reception remarking how empty the place is, Loretta stood in the doorway and remarked at the empty car park. “There is something very wrong here,” said Jerry. “What makes you think that,” said Mary-Belle. Loretta looked into the carpark. “Given that this is such a well known restaurant? Where have all the cars gone?”

“Like you said all them vampires have driven off all the regular customers, pun intended said Fischer. “What pun?” asked Jerry. “I was looking at the empty carpark when I said the customers were al driven off.” Jerry looked at Fischer and grunted his acceptance. Daniel looked at the empty carpark, “It is a bit quiet up here, why don’t we take a look in the dungeons.”

“Don’t you mean that the lesbian vampires have scared away all the customers. Mind you (he looked about at the empty car park) it is a bit quiet here. “Yes something is wrong here, this place stinks of a trap,” said Mary-Belle. “You could be right, and it does make sense, so if we are going to go in what makes sense,” added Fischer.

“The one way they would least expect us to go in,” said Daniel. Going across the courtyard to the store, he turns to look at Jerry. He watches as they walk into the Manor. “Where is the reception area from here?” he asked. Mary-Belle looked at a poster on the wall, according to that poster on the wall back there it is at the end of this corridor.

As they are approaching the counter, a woman smiles to them. She had been witling a lump of wood to make a puppet. A witch had blessed the previous one though unknown to the vampires the witch was from a coven that always promoted sex magic. The puppet was different from the famous wooden puppet in that it became the height of a real boy.

The life sized puppets could grow each evening or every time the puppet told the truth. The puppet itself tell the truth. The puppet would fashion its hand like sand paper went to his room. Each night with its hand as coarse as coarse sandpaper the puppet smiled. A voice from in the dungeon asked if they were of the new group.

Daniel spoke up, he said that he recognised that voice, you rang a friend of mine, you said about a little vampire problem you have? “Little vampires?” asked Audrey, “No, sorry, Daniel looked to Audrey. “I did not mean that you have a problem with little vampires, I meant you have a little problem, with vampires, possibly lesbians?” asked Daniel.

“Oh, you are them, I did not realize that there are so many of you,” said Audrey. “Just in case you have got it wrong, I am a vampire but not one of them lesbians just get someone else to mind the reception. Audrey goes into a back room. I’ll give you a guided tour then. Can you wait for me by the stairs? Audrey goes into a back room.

“You guys should be glad that we are here,” said Daniel. “She did seem a bit disappointed that there is more than three here,” said Loretta. “When I spoke to her, there was no mention of there being three,” said Fischer. “There is something wrong here,” stated Mary-Belle. While they are standing by the stairs Mary-Belle looks to Roger.

“Trap?” asked Mary-Belle. Roger nodded his head a few times then faced Mary-Belle. “Trap,” agreed Roger. “What about these guys, are they safe here?” asked Mary-Belle. “Probably not, but we do need to have a look at this place,” said Roger. “Think about it, the owner was expecting three non vampires, so I’d say we are perfectly safe,” said Jerry.

“When we were outside, I saw a door marked Basement. We could go and have a look in there,” said Mary-Belle. “We can’t stay here for long. The doorman and the owner know we are here,” said Roger. “That’s easily fixed, Daniel can go and kill the doorman. You guys get the owner. We can meet up by the basement door,” said Mary-Belle.

Waiting for the owner to return, as she got to them Jerry, Fischer and Loretta pushed her to the floor, then thrust a stake into her. Her body collapsed into a cloud of dust. “Oh good, she was a vampire.” “WHAT? You weren’t sure that she was a vampire you mean rotten so.. oh very funny. I’ll get the doorman, a distraction will be good,” said Fischer.

“Will do,” said Roger. He pulled Janice towards him. “Some kissy kissy should do it?” “Ok, as long as you agree not to do any necking.” Roger changed himself to be a vampire, then opening his mouth and revealing his fangs appeared about to bite Janice’s neck. Janice pulled away from him. Roger reverted to human form.

“I am so disappointed, you didn’t offer me any tongue?” said Roger. “What kind of girl do you think I am?” asked Janice. “You are what, twenty years old! You are dating a three hundred year old man and you have never had the tongue?” asked Roger. “Oi, careful, what is that meant to mean? I won’t be twenty for two more weeks?” asked Janice.


To Be Continued

 

[ILLYRIAN]

In The Town of Nithian is the Pornithian Hotel Part 4


At the door the butler looked at them, “I thought I saw you lot go in the main door.” “We did but we came out to get some selfie photographs first.” Daniel did not like the situation they were in so he removed the butlers head and watched as the butlers head fell to the ground as ashes. Fischer was standing by the door to the basement.

He looks at what was written above the doorframe. Welcome to Australia. Not understanding what that meant he asked Mary-Belle what it meant. “The steps to the basement are ‘down’ the steps lead one to be ‘under’ the restaurant. As Australia is down under, that must be it,” said Mary-Belle. She smiled to Fischer and invited him to lead the way.

Fischer was beside himself with what Mary-Belle said, “What? There might be more vampires in there and you want me to go in there first? Bite me! Mary-Belle looked coyly at Fischer, “Are you sure?” she asked. “Flaming right I’m sure! There is no way a human is going through that door first, it should be one of you vampires,” said Fischer.

Thinking about what he had just said, “wait, oh, just a minute when I said bite me I didn’t mean...” He looks to each of them. I did not mean to literally bite me. When I said that, it was more as a figure of speech, sorry.” Fischer tried to smile too Mary-Belle. Fischer waved towards the door, “Please, after you my dear,” said Fischer.

Mary-Belle walked towards Fischer. Then very sarcastically stated, “Thanks a lot for getting my hopes up. The cruel things that you human’s say to us poor thirsty vampires. Mary-Belle stood by the door, she smiled to Fischer and winked. He moved aside to allow Mary-Belle to open the door. He walked into the dungeon then after walking along the passage he came upon a cell door.

He stopped at the door and asked Mary-Belle, “If you don’t mind, will you go in first?” Mary-Belle smiled to him then as she was about to open the door. “There are several more doors in this passage do you want me to open them as well?” Mary-Belle opened the first door and walked into the room. She looked around from where she stood.

“Look at all the walls everyone. I like how they have been decorated in this room, very basementy looking, what with the stone walls and the stone floor.” said Mary-Belle. “And look at this, there is just the right amount of dust to make the room look, authentic,” said Fischer. He looked at Mary-Belle. “And no, I haven’t been inside a dungeon before,” he said.

“Bang goes all my comments about whips and chains then,” said Mary-Belle. She looked to the side of the cell, “Mind you those small tables and chairs might come in handy,” she said as she grinned to Fischer. “Roger, Daniel, what can you guys tell us about this place?” asked Loretta. Roger looked about the room. He points to a chair next to the opposite wall.

“Not much, only that the person they tied up in that chair is still here,” said Daniel. Janice stepped back. “Whoever it is, is it even a vampire?” asked Janice. Mary-Belle and Daniel go to the other side of the chair and have a good look at the person in the chair. “Well there you go,” said Daniel. “It is a woman, then (looking at the woman in the chair) are you a vampire?”

The woman looked at Daniel,” “No, I am not I am just your ordinary, run of the mill shapeshifter, my name is Maude. She looked to Daniel. “Not that it’ll make any difference to you, oh and Daniel,” (Maude held her hands in front of her). “As you can see, I am not tied to the chair.” “But if you are not tied to the chair, why pretend that you are?” asked Mary-Belle.

Maude smiled as she spoke, “I like lying to that other lot, call me kinky,” said Maude. “Really why? I thought you said your name is Maude?” He grinned towards Maude she looked at Fischer, getting off the chair she turned and looked at each of them. “Glad to see you are not them.” Maude faced Mary-Belle. “Although,”

Mary-Belle looked at the cell. “What keeps you interested at being here.” “I sometimes have friends drop in.” Daniel looked worried, “They just drop in, even now, aren’t they worried in the least bit by the lesbian vampires here?” asked Daniel. “There is no reason why they would be, vampires are unable to worry ghosts,” said Maude. “Where do they stay?” asked Daniel.

“They live about the old schoolhouse above the towns old chapel, next to the towns motel,” said Maude. Daniel suddenly turned to face Mary-Belle, “Those children you thought I’d hit outside that motel.” “I think we out to try and make friends with them,” he said. “If you want to, and I do know this place quite well, you could call this place home if you want to.

There are lots of secret passages to be found here,” said Maude. “Secrets? Like what, are there any other secrets to tell us, why else could we be here?” “No, you came here just to kill the Lesbian vampires up stairs. Daniel looked to Maude, “Do you know if there are any others down here?” asked Janice. Maude smiled to her.

“If you would like me to Janice I can take you to meet and introduce you to them,” said Maude. Janice was impressed. “Thank you, are they nice ones,” said Janice. “If you would care to follow me and all will be revealed,” said Maude smiling, she led her to the next cell. At the cell door was a sheet of perspex covering where the door was. “Why would they block the whole of the doorway with Perspex?” asked Jerry.

“There was once a vampire in the cell who thought she could see another vampire who thought of himself as a knife, the vampire agreed she thought of herself a blade, her name being Drusilla.” “Yes it is a lame excuse for the door to be a perspex cover,” said Spike. So Spikes main ex could never free the vampire Blade. So Spike would never release him of his prison because he had eyes for Drusilla.

Spike grew to be jealous of the Blade’s time with Drusilla, Spike often heard of Blade describe his time together with Drusilla as, “Out for a walk with the bitch, bitch.” Janice enquired with Maude about what type of being that was in that cell, Maude replied by opening the next cell door. “This cell was held a pretty, short black haired vampire who was their prized vampire,” stated Maude.

“Why was that?” asked Janice. “Because of her reaction to the sun being on her skin, that it did not burn in the sunlight she merely twinkled. Spike had often spoken of her and wished he had been allowed to be allowed to go on walks with as he referred to as twinkle toes. Maude laughed at him, “How silly to want to walk with a girl whose every inch of skin twinkles in the sun.

Was that why she left, that she felt other more interesting parts of her were being ignored.” Maude led them up to the hotels attic to the quiet enclosure where her little friends from the town would congregate. Upon the meeting Maude explained how if they would help the children free themselves from the hatred of their tutor they would help defeat the lesbian vampires. A suggestion that Loretta, Fischer and Jerry agreed to.

Fischer soon learned of the secret passages where music would echo down through into the hotels restaurant to upset the patrons. Loretta was about as inquisitive as Mary-Belle was at the secrets of the priest’s hole that burrowed down to the passages along where the rooms were positioned. Maude led them along the passage, from the priest’s hole.

It entered to a spiral staircase. At the top a door opened into the attic. The schools children led the procession, some to the basement some from the attic, the lesbian vampires had no idea if the attic an them was from below or above and was it by ghosts or vampires or those yet to be either. Gathering details of whom they were fighting the lesbian vampire departed.

Several day during which no reported were made of vampires upsetting the hotels patrons there was a meeting that Maude presided upon, with the blessing of the ghosts new owners of the Hotel were blessed. Mary-Belle and Janice took support from Daniel and Roger. Loretta took good tidings from Fischer and Jerry so all was well in the hotel.

A calm began to prevail in the town, buildings once known for places of troubled rooms was now known for places where happiness could be found, even once troubled school children were now known as helpful and considerate. The road to the hotel would be found to be where no driver went missing, even the well at the back of the hotel was a place of welcoming.

To keep appearances the owners of the lesbian hunters, Loretta, Fischer and Jerry were said to be in charge of the hotel whilst the vampires and ghosts kept to the meandering of the money raising facilities.



The End