A
Altoz
Guest
After performing my familiar duties for Willow and Tara, my surrogate catparents, I decided to check in on my kittens. Much to my annoyance, I found my cyborg zombie husband on standby, charging from the mains. Moreover, the kittens were nowhere to be seen, which probably meant they were out being little nuisances elsewhere in the city. I reflipped Patches onswich, and he reactivated. His expression turned to sheepish, which is rather difficult if you're part cat, part cyborg and part zombie and your facial expressions are somewhat frozen. Unfortunately, there was a slight tracking problem when it came to the kittens, until we patched into a GPS fix calibrated to lower than normal feline body temperature. I also spotted something very worrying.
I apologise in advance for the ensuing scenes, but my kittens are currently very young and haven't mastered felinese yet. Hence their broken English. Anyway, my husband and I quickly zapped ourselves to the spatiotemporal location of our Fanged Fivesome. Sure enough, my little dears had downed a hellhound, with little concept of what that actually meant in practice. Oh. And for the sake of audience, we decided to name our kittens Vlad, Louis, Lestat, Carmilla and Claudia. Here comes the Cute Dialogue:
Vlad: "Mummymummymummyanddaddy! Look! We deaded big hellhound!"
Claudia: (sniffed): "Um. if big hellhound deaded. why she getting up on her hind paws?"
Carmilla: "Okay, make that undeaded. She not look happy. I think she about to chase us. Help mummymummymummyandaddy!!!"
Get away from them, you bitch! What? No, that's not profanity if it's a female hellhound. And it is. There ensued a high-speed chase through the outskirts of Sunnydale. Patches can top forty miles per hour, I grabbed a discarded hubcap and levitated and the vampire kittens are capable of it due to their particular physiology. Unfortunately, the hellhound was just as capable of matching our speed, and more than once, I had to ward the kittens while Patches and I raked the hellhound's vicinity with catmagick and inbuilt optical laser fire. I blame Tucker Wells for our current problem- he was the one who introduced the initial group of that particular obnoxious supernatural species to the 'Dale in the first place and drove them mad with bad seventies disco scenes. Worse, one of the four was a female hellhound. Oh. and despite her best efforts, Buffy Summers didn't manage to shoot all of them with her handy crossbow during and just after her highschool prom night. She did her best, but understandably, her niche is disposing of creatures that prey on humans. And unfortunately, her target that evening was one of the male hellhounds, leaving the other two and the female hellhound to breed. Even worse, they reach sexual maturity very quickly Worse still, hellhound ownership became an in-thing amongst the 'Dale's vampire and kakodemon set. And even worse than that, some more dimwitted standard breed canines did the deed with them. Yes, I am thinking of you, Ms. Puffles of Harmony Kendall's pomeranian entourage.
Unfortunately, due to our absence of opposable thumbs, cats don't do crossbows all that well. Fortunately, Patches and I can manage considerable amounts of energy between us. On the negative side, hellhounds are extremely agile and can avoid that energy bombardment. We were nearing the edge of the town when Patches spotted something and indicated it to me. Yes, excellent idea, dear. I checked out the city council records using my collar's Net interface and found that the property was indeed suitable. Hopefully the hellhound wouldn't notice until it was far too late for her. I directed the kittens toward the property and signalled to them to scatter while we sprung the trap.
Happily. the plan went like clockwork. As Patches and I entered the property, the kittens scattered. By that time, the hellhound was in a towering rage with the two of us, having fought back against it. They have limited cognitive ability, which means that it didn't occur to it to change course and pursue one of the kittens. Added to which, even if it had, there's the slight question of inertia. As you may have already guessed, the property was a recently closed church and the presiding ecclesiastical authorities hadn't had the time to deconsecrate it yet. The hellhound accelerated into the church and Patches slammed the door shut, using his laser optics to weld it shut. I then used telekinesis to bombard the hapless kakodemonic mutt with virtually every bit of religious instrument within the church. After about thirty seconds of this treatment, topped by a very large crucifix, the hellhound blasted apart with a spine-tingling demonic yelp.
The kittens were waiting for us:
Lestat: "Look! Mummymummymummyanddaddy deaded big bad helldoggie!"
Louis: "Yay mummymummymummyanddaddy! Um. neither of them look happy."
Carmilla: "I think we did bad thing when we deaded the helldoggie the first time. Uh oh..."
And with that, we grounded the kittens for the next fortnight. I also prevailed on Oz to rewire Patches operating system so the kittens couldn't turn him off that easily again and installed an extra motion sensor that got him activated if he detected the kittens trying to sneak out of their customised minicoffin.
THE END (Grrr Arghhhh Miaou)
I apologise in advance for the ensuing scenes, but my kittens are currently very young and haven't mastered felinese yet. Hence their broken English. Anyway, my husband and I quickly zapped ourselves to the spatiotemporal location of our Fanged Fivesome. Sure enough, my little dears had downed a hellhound, with little concept of what that actually meant in practice. Oh. And for the sake of audience, we decided to name our kittens Vlad, Louis, Lestat, Carmilla and Claudia. Here comes the Cute Dialogue:
Vlad: "Mummymummymummyanddaddy! Look! We deaded big hellhound!"
Claudia: (sniffed): "Um. if big hellhound deaded. why she getting up on her hind paws?"
Carmilla: "Okay, make that undeaded. She not look happy. I think she about to chase us. Help mummymummymummyandaddy!!!"
Get away from them, you bitch! What? No, that's not profanity if it's a female hellhound. And it is. There ensued a high-speed chase through the outskirts of Sunnydale. Patches can top forty miles per hour, I grabbed a discarded hubcap and levitated and the vampire kittens are capable of it due to their particular physiology. Unfortunately, the hellhound was just as capable of matching our speed, and more than once, I had to ward the kittens while Patches and I raked the hellhound's vicinity with catmagick and inbuilt optical laser fire. I blame Tucker Wells for our current problem- he was the one who introduced the initial group of that particular obnoxious supernatural species to the 'Dale in the first place and drove them mad with bad seventies disco scenes. Worse, one of the four was a female hellhound. Oh. and despite her best efforts, Buffy Summers didn't manage to shoot all of them with her handy crossbow during and just after her highschool prom night. She did her best, but understandably, her niche is disposing of creatures that prey on humans. And unfortunately, her target that evening was one of the male hellhounds, leaving the other two and the female hellhound to breed. Even worse, they reach sexual maturity very quickly Worse still, hellhound ownership became an in-thing amongst the 'Dale's vampire and kakodemon set. And even worse than that, some more dimwitted standard breed canines did the deed with them. Yes, I am thinking of you, Ms. Puffles of Harmony Kendall's pomeranian entourage.
Unfortunately, due to our absence of opposable thumbs, cats don't do crossbows all that well. Fortunately, Patches and I can manage considerable amounts of energy between us. On the negative side, hellhounds are extremely agile and can avoid that energy bombardment. We were nearing the edge of the town when Patches spotted something and indicated it to me. Yes, excellent idea, dear. I checked out the city council records using my collar's Net interface and found that the property was indeed suitable. Hopefully the hellhound wouldn't notice until it was far too late for her. I directed the kittens toward the property and signalled to them to scatter while we sprung the trap.
Happily. the plan went like clockwork. As Patches and I entered the property, the kittens scattered. By that time, the hellhound was in a towering rage with the two of us, having fought back against it. They have limited cognitive ability, which means that it didn't occur to it to change course and pursue one of the kittens. Added to which, even if it had, there's the slight question of inertia. As you may have already guessed, the property was a recently closed church and the presiding ecclesiastical authorities hadn't had the time to deconsecrate it yet. The hellhound accelerated into the church and Patches slammed the door shut, using his laser optics to weld it shut. I then used telekinesis to bombard the hapless kakodemonic mutt with virtually every bit of religious instrument within the church. After about thirty seconds of this treatment, topped by a very large crucifix, the hellhound blasted apart with a spine-tingling demonic yelp.
The kittens were waiting for us:
Lestat: "Look! Mummymummymummyanddaddy deaded big bad helldoggie!"
Louis: "Yay mummymummymummyanddaddy! Um. neither of them look happy."
Carmilla: "I think we did bad thing when we deaded the helldoggie the first time. Uh oh..."
And with that, we grounded the kittens for the next fortnight. I also prevailed on Oz to rewire Patches operating system so the kittens couldn't turn him off that easily again and installed an extra motion sensor that got him activated if he detected the kittens trying to sneak out of their customised minicoffin.
THE END (Grrr Arghhhh Miaou)
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