ILLYRIAN
Druish Pervonian Wizard
INSPIRED BY THE EPISODE POTENTIAL AND THE SPOOF BY Colin Xavier.
"Aaaaaaarrrrrr, uuur, uuur, uuur," said Kennedy.
"No, no, no, it was urr, urr, urr," said Molly.
"Ask the white boy," said Rona.
"But it's got brown sacking," said Dawn.
"Kill the racist," said Rona.
"But I was," exclaimed Kennedy.
"Not good enough," replied Rona.
"Let him talk," said Kennedy.
"He can't talk," said Molly.
"Why not ?" asked Kennedy.
"He's got a straw mouth," declered Vi.
"Why's that ?" asked Molly.
"Some-one kept going uuur, uuur, uuur," said Dawn.
"And now he's got a straw mouth," said Rona.
"Choked on it huh," said Rona.
"He's dead," stated Vi.
Buffy threw a pole at the wall
"My head fell off !" exclaimed Buffy.
Molly gets her note pad and pen
"So, you've got two heads ?"
"Quick Dawn, get Gunn here," said Kennedy.
"Why ?" asked Dawn.
"Buffy's got two heads, we always call her Buffy so she's BB," said Kennedy.
"So," said Dawn.
"Put them together and we'd have a BB Gunn," said Kennedy.
"Yeah !, death to the treacle hats," said Molly.
"Who ?" asked Dawn.
"The scarecrow, it's a treacle hat," said Kennedy.
"Oh, oh, that's a Chaka Khan, is that the song or the singer ?" asked Dawn.
"Turok-Han," replied Buffy.
"That's my line," said Dawn.
"Shhh, quiet, somebody'll notice," said Buffy
On phone to Willow from Buffy's 'office' at the school.
"So there I was Will, Kennedy said uuur, uuur, uuur, and Molly said urr, urr, urr. Then I threw a pole at the wall, it was way cool," said Buffy.
"Are you on drugs," said Willow.
"Then we all found the treacle hat was dead," said Buffy.
"There's treacle in the cellar ?" asked Willow.
"No silly, the scarecrow's a treacle hat," said Buffy.
"Oh you mean a Chaka Khan," said Willow
"The scarecrow, and it's got a mouth full off straw," said Buffy.
"Aaah, poor Chaka Khan, is that the singer or the song ?" asked Willow.
"Oh no ! exclaimed Buffy.
Amanda walked into Buffy's 'office'
"Is this a bad time."
"No, but stay anyway," said Buffy.
Amanda sits and begins to talk to Buffy.
"So I know this boy, I think I like him, 'cos I keep hitting him," said Amanda.
"Damn, yaay," said Willow.
"Shut up Will," said Buffy.
"Huh," said Amanda.
"You were saying ?" asked Buffy.
"I, er, hit on, er I hit him in class, that's why I'm here," said Amanda.
"Yaay, Damn," said Willow.
"Shut up Will," said Buffy.
"Huh," said Amanda.
"You were saying ?" asked Buffy.
"Does that mean that I like him, me hitting him ?" asked Amanda.
"Damn, yaay," said Willow.
"Will, shut up !," said Buffy.
"Whose Will ?" asked Amanda.
"Ay, oh Will," said Buffy.
"Oh you like Will," said Amanda.
"Yaay," said Willow.
Buffy put the phone down, cleared her desk then went home.
At her home she found Xander, Andrew, Vi and Anya being verbally abusive, the room had lots of broken furniture.
"I'M TELLING YOU ANDREW, the caveman would win !" said Xander.
"Go the muscley caveman," said Anya.
"Get the astronaught lover," said Vi.
"Stop shouting every-one," said Andrew.
"Oh look every-one, it's Willow, and she's got a blunt weapon," said Buffy.
"Not fair, no weapons," said Andrew.
"We need to go into the dining room Buffy, now," said Willow.
"Ooh look, it's dark again," said Buffy.
"Xanders fault, he kept saying his lines wrong," said Willow.
"I didn't," exclaimed Xander.
"Yeh right, well right words, wrong order," said Anya.
"He kept adding definition," said Buffy.
"Silly caveman," added Andrew.
Next morning in the kitchen.
"I bags the mace," said Vi.
"There's no cans," said Kennedy.
"Can't put it in the bag either," said Rona.
Molly holds a cross-bow, aims it.
"Bwang, bwang," said Molly.
"That's a cross-bow not a gun," said Dawn.
"That's why I added a 'w' ," said Molly.
"Ooh, ooh point it at Xander, he'd look cool with an eye patch," said Kennedy.
"Point it at Kennedy," said Dawn.
"Ok, Dawn. bwang, bwang."
Buffy enters the room followed by Andrew.
"All kneel, she enters the room," said Andrew.
"Shut up Andrew," said Buffy.
Andrew mimes all kneel, she enters the room
"Molly," said Buffy.
"Yes boss," said Molly.
She aims the cross-bow at Andrew
"Bwang, bwang," said Molly.
"Right, who wants to play with me ?" asked Spike.
"Ooh !, me !, me !," exclaimed Andrew.
"Shut up Andrew," said Buffy.
"Bwang, bwang," said Molly.
"Tell her not to do that, Buffy," said Andrew.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me," said Buffy.
Molly stands next to Buffy and screams.
"BWANG, BWANG."
Buffy quickly holds her ear.
"Alright so words will hurt me," said Buffy.
"Put a sock in it," said Dawn.
"But that'll make it floppy, hard is better," said Molly smiling innocently.
Buffy and Spike look at each other wide eyed. Kennedy, Vi, Rona, Molly and Dawn look puzzled at each other.
Huh," said Andrew.
Willow sits at a table and gets the ingredients ready for the locator spell.
Dawn and Andrew join her.
"Where's the coriander root ?" asks Willow.
"Hope there's not two," said Dawn.
"There it is, give it to Willow, Dawn," said Andrew
"Yes, give it to me, Dawn," said Willow.
"You want me to give you a root ?" asked Dawn.
"Oh," said Willow.
"Huh ?" asked Andrew.
That evening by the fireplace.
"What are we here for ?" asked Xander.
"To do a locator spell," said Anya.
"Ooh, ooh, find me," said Dawn.
"There you are," said Willow.
"Yippee, I've been located," said Dawn.
"That was quick," exclaimed Xander.
"Clever me, huh," said Willow, grinning.
"My turn," said Xander.
"Ok."
"So find me Will," said Xander.
"Where's he gone !" said Anya.
"Here I am," said Xander.
"We're meant to find him, not lose him," said Dawn
"Oh dear, wrong spell," said Willow.
"Your a naughty witch," said Anya.
"Hey guys, I'm here," said Xander.
"Poor Anya," said Dawn.
Dawn strokes Anya's hair.
"Can I be gay ?" asked Anya.
"Yeah, why not," replied Willow.
"But I'm here," said Xander.
"She can be gay ?" asked Dawn.
"Me and Willow, oooohh," said Anya.
"Mmmm, I'd like that," said Willow.
"Please, please, see me !," pleaded Xander.
Willow and Anya hug.
"I can't keep a straight face any longer," said Anya.
"Me neither," said Dawn.
"What !, you knew I was there, here ?" asked Xander.
"What did we come here for ?" asked Dawn.
"To find where to find the potential," said Willow.
"So where will we find her ?" asked Dawn.
"At the school," said Willow.
"Why there ?" asked Dawn.
"Where do you go to find out about things ?" asked Willow.
"School ," said Dawn.
"Yep," said Willow.
"Buffy's taking us to a bar, what's the catch ?" asked Vi.
"Maybe it's a gay bar," said Kennedy, smiling.
"A bloke's gay bar," said Rona.
"Well that's no fun," replied Kennedy.
"It isn't a gay bar is it ?" asked Spike.
"It's a demon bar," said Buffy.
"A what bar ?" asked Molly.
"Oh no," said Kennedy.
"What's wrong with a demon bar ?" asked Spike.
"Oh, a contact lens fell out, I thought it was a lemon bar," said Molly.
"So, a demon bar," said Rona.
"Maybe Buffy wants a horny demon," said Vi.
"Hey !, oh, oops," exclaimed Spike.
Dawn walks to school, at night.
"so, they wanted to know who the potential is, just because I go to school, There's no buses, but would they give me a list, oh no. This is so boring, and it's a concrete path, no cracks for me to jump over, this is boring," said Dawn
"Has Dawn got out of sight yet ?" asked Anya.
"She didn't catch on did she ?" asked Willow.
"Nope, and she's nearly at the end of the road," said Xander.
"Good, turn the telly on its time for this weeks Angel episode."
"Where are you going Dawn ?" asked Amanda.
"I'm going to the school, got to find a potential," said Dawn.
"Well I was just there, I know my way around in the dark," said Amanda.
"Good show me then," said Dawn.
At the school.
"How do we get in ?" asked Dawn.
"Through an open window," said Amanda.
"Ok then," said Dawn, she threw a house brick through a window.
"No, not that one !, that one !," said Amanda, pointing to the open window.
"Oh, right," said Dawn, "oops."
Amanda helped Dawn through the open window.
"Now to find the potential," said Dawn.
"Well, I'm potentially good at repairing jumpers," said Amanda.
"Oh, your the potential then." said Dawn.
"I'm a potential, oh goody. Who are those guys ?" asked Amanda.
"The camera's just turned off," said Dawn.
"Where are we ?" asked Vi.
"It's a crypt," said Spike.
"Why is he lying face down ?" asked Molly.
"Not very comfy like that is it ?" asked Vi.
"Camera's on again. So who are they ?" asked Amanda.
"They're the bringers."
"But they've got no eyes," said Amanda, "and if they watched us ?"
"They'd be watchers," said Dawn, "camera's off again."
"Think he realised he wasn't comfy, he's just got up," said Vi.
"Er, he's a vampire," said Molly.
"They've got wrinkly unused hearts, like walnuts," said Buffy.
"Camera's on again," said Dawn.
"What happens when they go looking ?" asked Amanda.
"They are Lookers," said Dawn
"And if they try to find stuff for us ?" asked Amanda.
"They are gofers," said Dawn.
"The camera's off again, I'll never get an Emmy like this," said Amanda.
"What the sign Spike ?" asked Buffy.
"Wrinkly old hearts like walnuts here, oh that should read there," said Spike.
"I'll get it," said Molly.
"Oh bugger, he's turned to dust," said Rona.
"Ooh camera's on, so when they find what they're looking for and they bring it here, what then ?" asked Amanda.
"They are the bringers," said Dawn, "oh, we'd better run."
"Ok," replied Amanda.
I liked doing it, If you liked reading it and you'd like to see an attempt made on an episode name it, I'll do what I can.
"Aaaaaaarrrrrr, uuur, uuur, uuur," said Kennedy.
"No, no, no, it was urr, urr, urr," said Molly.
"Ask the white boy," said Rona.
"But it's got brown sacking," said Dawn.
"Kill the racist," said Rona.
"But I was," exclaimed Kennedy.
"Not good enough," replied Rona.
"Let him talk," said Kennedy.
"He can't talk," said Molly.
"Why not ?" asked Kennedy.
"He's got a straw mouth," declered Vi.
"Why's that ?" asked Molly.
"Some-one kept going uuur, uuur, uuur," said Dawn.
"And now he's got a straw mouth," said Rona.
"Choked on it huh," said Rona.
"He's dead," stated Vi.
Buffy threw a pole at the wall
"My head fell off !" exclaimed Buffy.
Molly gets her note pad and pen
"So, you've got two heads ?"
"Quick Dawn, get Gunn here," said Kennedy.
"Why ?" asked Dawn.
"Buffy's got two heads, we always call her Buffy so she's BB," said Kennedy.
"So," said Dawn.
"Put them together and we'd have a BB Gunn," said Kennedy.
"Yeah !, death to the treacle hats," said Molly.
"Who ?" asked Dawn.
"The scarecrow, it's a treacle hat," said Kennedy.
"Oh, oh, that's a Chaka Khan, is that the song or the singer ?" asked Dawn.
"Turok-Han," replied Buffy.
"That's my line," said Dawn.
"Shhh, quiet, somebody'll notice," said Buffy
On phone to Willow from Buffy's 'office' at the school.
"So there I was Will, Kennedy said uuur, uuur, uuur, and Molly said urr, urr, urr. Then I threw a pole at the wall, it was way cool," said Buffy.
"Are you on drugs," said Willow.
"Then we all found the treacle hat was dead," said Buffy.
"There's treacle in the cellar ?" asked Willow.
"No silly, the scarecrow's a treacle hat," said Buffy.
"Oh you mean a Chaka Khan," said Willow
"The scarecrow, and it's got a mouth full off straw," said Buffy.
"Aaah, poor Chaka Khan, is that the singer or the song ?" asked Willow.
"Oh no ! exclaimed Buffy.
Amanda walked into Buffy's 'office'
"Is this a bad time."
"No, but stay anyway," said Buffy.
Amanda sits and begins to talk to Buffy.
"So I know this boy, I think I like him, 'cos I keep hitting him," said Amanda.
"Damn, yaay," said Willow.
"Shut up Will," said Buffy.
"Huh," said Amanda.
"You were saying ?" asked Buffy.
"I, er, hit on, er I hit him in class, that's why I'm here," said Amanda.
"Yaay, Damn," said Willow.
"Shut up Will," said Buffy.
"Huh," said Amanda.
"You were saying ?" asked Buffy.
"Does that mean that I like him, me hitting him ?" asked Amanda.
"Damn, yaay," said Willow.
"Will, shut up !," said Buffy.
"Whose Will ?" asked Amanda.
"Ay, oh Will," said Buffy.
"Oh you like Will," said Amanda.
"Yaay," said Willow.
Buffy put the phone down, cleared her desk then went home.
At her home she found Xander, Andrew, Vi and Anya being verbally abusive, the room had lots of broken furniture.
"I'M TELLING YOU ANDREW, the caveman would win !" said Xander.
"Go the muscley caveman," said Anya.
"Get the astronaught lover," said Vi.
"Stop shouting every-one," said Andrew.
"Oh look every-one, it's Willow, and she's got a blunt weapon," said Buffy.
"Not fair, no weapons," said Andrew.
"We need to go into the dining room Buffy, now," said Willow.
"Ooh look, it's dark again," said Buffy.
"Xanders fault, he kept saying his lines wrong," said Willow.
"I didn't," exclaimed Xander.
"Yeh right, well right words, wrong order," said Anya.
"He kept adding definition," said Buffy.
"Silly caveman," added Andrew.
Next morning in the kitchen.
"I bags the mace," said Vi.
"There's no cans," said Kennedy.
"Can't put it in the bag either," said Rona.
Molly holds a cross-bow, aims it.
"Bwang, bwang," said Molly.
"That's a cross-bow not a gun," said Dawn.
"That's why I added a 'w' ," said Molly.
"Ooh, ooh point it at Xander, he'd look cool with an eye patch," said Kennedy.
"Point it at Kennedy," said Dawn.
"Ok, Dawn. bwang, bwang."
Buffy enters the room followed by Andrew.
"All kneel, she enters the room," said Andrew.
"Shut up Andrew," said Buffy.
Andrew mimes all kneel, she enters the room
"Molly," said Buffy.
"Yes boss," said Molly.
She aims the cross-bow at Andrew
"Bwang, bwang," said Molly.
"Right, who wants to play with me ?" asked Spike.
"Ooh !, me !, me !," exclaimed Andrew.
"Shut up Andrew," said Buffy.
"Bwang, bwang," said Molly.
"Tell her not to do that, Buffy," said Andrew.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me," said Buffy.
Molly stands next to Buffy and screams.
"BWANG, BWANG."
Buffy quickly holds her ear.
"Alright so words will hurt me," said Buffy.
"Put a sock in it," said Dawn.
"But that'll make it floppy, hard is better," said Molly smiling innocently.
Buffy and Spike look at each other wide eyed. Kennedy, Vi, Rona, Molly and Dawn look puzzled at each other.
Huh," said Andrew.
Willow sits at a table and gets the ingredients ready for the locator spell.
Dawn and Andrew join her.
"Where's the coriander root ?" asks Willow.
"Hope there's not two," said Dawn.
"There it is, give it to Willow, Dawn," said Andrew
"Yes, give it to me, Dawn," said Willow.
"You want me to give you a root ?" asked Dawn.
"Oh," said Willow.
"Huh ?" asked Andrew.
That evening by the fireplace.
"What are we here for ?" asked Xander.
"To do a locator spell," said Anya.
"Ooh, ooh, find me," said Dawn.
"There you are," said Willow.
"Yippee, I've been located," said Dawn.
"That was quick," exclaimed Xander.
"Clever me, huh," said Willow, grinning.
"My turn," said Xander.
"Ok."
"So find me Will," said Xander.
"Where's he gone !" said Anya.
"Here I am," said Xander.
"We're meant to find him, not lose him," said Dawn
"Oh dear, wrong spell," said Willow.
"Your a naughty witch," said Anya.
"Hey guys, I'm here," said Xander.
"Poor Anya," said Dawn.
Dawn strokes Anya's hair.
"Can I be gay ?" asked Anya.
"Yeah, why not," replied Willow.
"But I'm here," said Xander.
"She can be gay ?" asked Dawn.
"Me and Willow, oooohh," said Anya.
"Mmmm, I'd like that," said Willow.
"Please, please, see me !," pleaded Xander.
Willow and Anya hug.
"I can't keep a straight face any longer," said Anya.
"Me neither," said Dawn.
"What !, you knew I was there, here ?" asked Xander.
"What did we come here for ?" asked Dawn.
"To find where to find the potential," said Willow.
"So where will we find her ?" asked Dawn.
"At the school," said Willow.
"Why there ?" asked Dawn.
"Where do you go to find out about things ?" asked Willow.
"School ," said Dawn.
"Yep," said Willow.
"Buffy's taking us to a bar, what's the catch ?" asked Vi.
"Maybe it's a gay bar," said Kennedy, smiling.
"A bloke's gay bar," said Rona.
"Well that's no fun," replied Kennedy.
"It isn't a gay bar is it ?" asked Spike.
"It's a demon bar," said Buffy.
"A what bar ?" asked Molly.
"Oh no," said Kennedy.
"What's wrong with a demon bar ?" asked Spike.
"Oh, a contact lens fell out, I thought it was a lemon bar," said Molly.
"So, a demon bar," said Rona.
"Maybe Buffy wants a horny demon," said Vi.
"Hey !, oh, oops," exclaimed Spike.
Dawn walks to school, at night.
"so, they wanted to know who the potential is, just because I go to school, There's no buses, but would they give me a list, oh no. This is so boring, and it's a concrete path, no cracks for me to jump over, this is boring," said Dawn
"Has Dawn got out of sight yet ?" asked Anya.
"She didn't catch on did she ?" asked Willow.
"Nope, and she's nearly at the end of the road," said Xander.
"Good, turn the telly on its time for this weeks Angel episode."
"Where are you going Dawn ?" asked Amanda.
"I'm going to the school, got to find a potential," said Dawn.
"Well I was just there, I know my way around in the dark," said Amanda.
"Good show me then," said Dawn.
At the school.
"How do we get in ?" asked Dawn.
"Through an open window," said Amanda.
"Ok then," said Dawn, she threw a house brick through a window.
"No, not that one !, that one !," said Amanda, pointing to the open window.
"Oh, right," said Dawn, "oops."
Amanda helped Dawn through the open window.
"Now to find the potential," said Dawn.
"Well, I'm potentially good at repairing jumpers," said Amanda.
"Oh, your the potential then." said Dawn.
"I'm a potential, oh goody. Who are those guys ?" asked Amanda.
"The camera's just turned off," said Dawn.
"Where are we ?" asked Vi.
"It's a crypt," said Spike.
"Why is he lying face down ?" asked Molly.
"Not very comfy like that is it ?" asked Vi.
"Camera's on again. So who are they ?" asked Amanda.
"They're the bringers."
"But they've got no eyes," said Amanda, "and if they watched us ?"
"They'd be watchers," said Dawn, "camera's off again."
"Think he realised he wasn't comfy, he's just got up," said Vi.
"Er, he's a vampire," said Molly.
"They've got wrinkly unused hearts, like walnuts," said Buffy.
"Camera's on again," said Dawn.
"What happens when they go looking ?" asked Amanda.
"They are Lookers," said Dawn
"And if they try to find stuff for us ?" asked Amanda.
"They are gofers," said Dawn.
"The camera's off again, I'll never get an Emmy like this," said Amanda.
"What the sign Spike ?" asked Buffy.
"Wrinkly old hearts like walnuts here, oh that should read there," said Spike.
"I'll get it," said Molly.
"Oh bugger, he's turned to dust," said Rona.
"Ooh camera's on, so when they find what they're looking for and they bring it here, what then ?" asked Amanda.
"They are the bringers," said Dawn, "oh, we'd better run."
"Ok," replied Amanda.
I liked doing it, If you liked reading it and you'd like to see an attempt made on an episode name it, I'll do what I can.