A beautiful lie

[Bungle Jerry]

So there's a thread about Sense and Sensitivity, and a thread about religion. So it makes sense to throw this in the mix.

S&S is a comedy episode, but it's not all laughs. It's got that Kate speech to her father in it. Including this particular part that gets me thinking every time:

After mom died, you stopped , you know? It was like you couldn't stand the sight of me. Her face, her eyes looking up at you. But big girls don't cry, right? You said, gone's gone, and there is no use wallowing. Worms and dirt and nothing, forever. Not one word about a better place. You couldn't even tell a scared little girl a beautiful lie.

As an atheist myself, I do hope to raise my daughter atheist too. But then there's this... I honestly don't know. Do you think Kate's right here? Scared little girls deserve beautiful lies?

 

[Marisa]

I understood where Kate was coming from so yes I do believe little girls do deserve a beautiful lie. I think as a child we have different pictures in our heads of a better place and this can be comforting. If you have to suffer a loss at a young age I agree with this completely.

 

[Professor Walsh]

Scared little girls, or boys, deserve beautiful truths. Yes, it is hard to loose someone. But the reason it is so hard, is because we love them so much.

My sons are the children of two naturalists. For us, easing the grief by telling faerie tales of heaven or whatnot, would feel dishonest. What I've told about is how life goes on. I have no qualms about telling my child that a dead body turns into soil, and that flowers grow in the soil.

Let me add, as just now saw Marisa's post, that lies are not necessary to handle loss well. I've seen grave deaths being handled beautifully with what the outside viewer may well consider brutal honesty. It does require strength from the parent, though. Answering questions from a four-year-old about cancer and shooting is hard.

 

[Kelsey]

Well, some of us don't believe it's a lie, so it's a difficult question to answer. I would say not to deprive children of a sense of religion, death in the family or not. Everyone has to make their own decision about religion.

 

[MistressPointy]

I'm going to tell my (future, un-thought up, un-on her way) daughter what I believe to be true (which isn't necessarily in accordance with everyone here's idea of truth). I hate the idea of lying to my children, even if it's 'well intentioned', but when my child is old enough, I think I'll encourage her to search her heart and spirit to find what is truth instead of just taking my word on it.

Here's a question: For those of you opposed to telling 'the beautiful lie', will you also be avoiding Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny? I had intended to... but my new husband seems largely opposed. 😛

Come to think of it, I haven't discussed the whole matter of insisting our children believe what we believe or not thing with my husband yet. Yay, new ground to cover. ...

 

[thevikingsgirl]

When the girls ask about what happens when we die, I tell them nobody knows, but that I'm quite sure it's not something bad. Death is as much a part of life as birth is. Anyone who's gone through birth knows that for the mom it's intense and overwhelming at times and I imagine it's that way for the baby too. But we don't remember our births; they just lead us into this place. I figure death is going to be similar. The dying may be scary, but after it'll all be okay, whatever it is. I don't consider myself an atheist exactly but I'm not at all religious. I'd prefer my kids NOT to be a part of an organized religion, but it's their choice.

We do Santa because Santa is fun and not at all serious. There's nothing life-and-death about Santa.

 

[Kelsey]

Hey, Santa was fun! I have some great memories of Santa and Christmas morning and listening for bells. I was never mad at my parents for the lie, either. On the fun, non-death related front, I think kids need a little magic in their childhoods.

But that is an interesting question, what to tell children before they can make up their own minds on what they believe. I think asking a child to accept the idea that death is possibly just "worms and dirt and nothing, forever" would be hard if they also had to accept the death of a loved one. If my mother had died when I was a child, I would have wanted pretty words of heaven--but maybe that's just because I believe in it, so it doesn't feel like a lie.

But in terms of the Buffyverse, Heaven was a place, wasn't it? At least, Buffy went somewhere warm and comforting and safe, so if Kate's father had told her that her mother went to Heaven, would it have really been a lie?

 

[Bungle Jerry]

Here's a question: For those of you opposed to telling 'the beautiful lie', will you also be avoiding Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny? I had intended to... but my new husband seems largely opposed. 😛

I've given that thought. We're raising our daughter here in Toronto, but her mother comes from a Muslim society, and, well, Toronto is hardly Christian-cross-the-board anyway. I kind of feel an obligation to go with the flow, so to speak. I don't want her to be the spoil-sport telling her classmates there's no Santa. Plus there's a bit of a magical element to Santa that I appreciate. So I'm not sure, but I think I'll go the Santa route.

The Easter bunny I'm not too bothered about. It's less important.

 

[MistressPointy]

Yeah, I think if I believed agnostic or atheist-like, I wouldn't be able to tell my daughter it was all worms and dirt, etc. I think until she was able to formulate her own opinions, I'd have to give her some sort of hope. I think if I taught her without the magic of (possibly) believing, it could stifle her future quest for what she believes... I might say, 'Some people believe [magic of believing speech].'
The 'circle of life' theory worked with Simba in the Lion King, but... Disney probably didn't have it all right. 😛
"...and the antelope eat the grass."

---------- Post added at 05:43 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:42 PM ----------

...I'm kind of with Kelsey though... My opinion may be a little swayed on the basis that I do dig the whole magic in believing deal.

 

[frankie]

I have a lot of respect for religious beliefs even though over the years I've strayed from my own faith. I think religion is often about looking forward, making sense of the end and resolving in ourselves that when life is over, a good place awaits.
Maybe it's about not looking so far ahead. I think it's about showing that what happens now is important. Family, friends, yourself. There can be a good place here already. And I think that's what happens at the end of life, you remember the good times.
That's the only beautiful lie I would tell, that what happens now is important and that there's a purpose to it. What happens next I'm not sure but make the most of now why you have it.
I think a lot of young people have a religion forced on them. Maybe it should be their choice when they're older, when they can research and learn about religion and faith and have a better understanding of it. And make sense of "the end" in their own way.
I don't think there is anything wrong about a beautiful lie when you don't know the truth. How can you know if you're lying. 🙂