Advice please

[Angels baby101]

Ok whenever i have a problem, you guys help me out alot so again i need advice serious advice. I live in Tuscaloosa Alabama and i love my life to an extent... I have freedom here basically to do whatever. I'm treated as an adult which is good but also bad i'm 17 and i know everything about the bills i dont have fun, i dont go out, i occasionaly party when i can afford it all my friends are 20-40 lol... , I live with my dad who has a temper, his girlfriend who is pregnant with twins and My grandma who is turning 68 this year... My dad isn't abusive just so y'all know he's just hot headed and has a short fuse yells alot gets mad easy... Lately we've been having alot of money problems so things around here are always uneasy... My dad is always spending his check on useless stuff... Like printer paper, Ink, minutes for his cellphone*not so useless* and stuff for his girlfriend... Not enough on bills and my grandma works like all the time, never buys anything for herself and needs medicine but wont take the time to buy it.. she can walk from our bathroom to our living room and be left breathless... but her medicine helped her... She has highblood pressure, and is enemic... and all...

Now My mom... she lives in Wilmington delaware... I lived with her all my life till two years ago when i decided to move in with my dad to really get to know him. With my mom, I'm treated as a Child. Dont got a bed time, but i have a curfew, i have rules, boundaries which i am no longer used to nor do i really want them, although i was in school there honnor's student, had friends , went out and had fun...My mom wasn't short tempered she was like my best friend, My step dad could get on my nerves but he was alright, My brother well he wasnt' that bad either. I haven't seen my mom in over a year... this past year her health well has gotten worse, She is Diabetic, Bipolor, skitsophrentic, she needs to be in a wheel chair cause she has Thyroid problems which means basically she has alot of weight on her, SHe has to have a breathing machine at night cause when she sleeps she holds her breath... and i dunno what else but i dont think anything is REALLY life threatening i mean its dangerous but yeah...

My problem is lately I've been torn... really torn not like which place is better more like.. I feel like a terrible daughter... i mean absoutly horrible, most of my nights are spent in tears and worrying about things... I'm so worried my mom is gonna really get worse and something will happen to her and i wont be there That i'll spend the rest of my life feeling horrible cause i wasn't there... She was there for me when i cried, or hurt, or was happy.. and Now she is sick and i'm here... hours away.. not even having the money to go up there...i dont talk to her as much as i should cause i dont have a phone due to money problems... Then theres the other part of being torn.. Like if i move up there to help my mom out, I dont get to see my friends down here, My dad will fight with my grandma all the time, I wont be able to help with my baby sisters when they are born, I'll be even farther from the guy i'm still in love with even if we aren't together anymore i still have hopes of it working, I keep this place sane, Safe, plus i'm worried if i move up there and everything my mom has all these problems but they haven't really threatened her life all that much... My grandma is getting older, which means she is getting worse, her memory isn't all that great... and her mom had allstimers(cant spell it) and i hear its not passed on but i'm worried she might get it and forget me, She has been there all my life too always living with us basically, she is also one of the best people in my life... I love her to death... and i worry so much about her too... she has nothing she is so unhappy and all... and i dunno she seems happier when i'm around... I get to see my mom in march my step dad saved up the money to bring me up there got a plane ticket i'll be there from March 9th-19th.. then i come home... My problem is...

I feel so torn between both places... I wanna be there... and i wanna be here... My mom knows i like it here she doesn't want me to give up my life.. What could be here for her... so she tells me whatever i wanna do is fine... I know she misses me and it breaks her heart not seeing me, but if i move back my grandma and all will be the same and i wont see or talk to my friends as much and all this other stuff... I really dont know what to do, If i should move back to be there for my mom... or stay here for my family so they dont go at eachothers throat.. help with my soon to be born twin sisters,and my sort of happiness with freedom.....even though its possible to build a happiness there without so much freedom like before

BTW sorry this was so long i just need advice from my Third home, here.... BB is like a little family to me, not so complicated, not something that gives me headaches and i sometimes wish it weren't in my life.... Thanks in advance for any help or advice or anything given...

-Candi

 

[Allycat]

Dear Candice,

Stop worrying. You are the kid in the situation. You don't have to feel responsible for your father and his wife. Neither should you feel that you have to take care of your grandmother and your steptwins. (Steptwins: did I just coin a new word?) I know that you're a very carring person and that it is in your nature to try to help wherever you can. But you have start looking out for yourself. Enjoy what is left of your youth as a child, not worrying about the grown-up problems. I know you won't give up your carring-side, but try to apply it a bit more to yourself. Whichever you choose, I know you're gonna do fine.

Love ya, Ally

 

[Black Eye Guy]

Yeah AC is right you have to do what's right for you, you should sit down and right out the pro's and con's of both situations. And take into consideration that when the twins are born there will be a period of happiness, and that your mother could have changed her rules on Freedom, since you are older then the last time you lived with her!
Sorry that you have to feel the burden of such things, I can't imagine how horrible it is. My grandmother had alzymers(Sp?) also but she had 9 children to look after her and it split the trouble over, family issues are always complicated!

 

[nerd4hire]

Boy, poor you. You really are torn.

I wouldn't presume to offer you advice. You've always struck me as being a bright person. I have faith in your ability to figure out what's best for you.

I will tell you this. This probably won't be the last time in your life you will be stuck in a spot where you'll being feeling some degree of guilt no matter what you decide. It happens. This is a bad one though, isn't it? Doesn't matter though. You'll work it out. I'm sure.

 

[Willow Rosenberg]

Yeah, I'm with these guys on this. My view is, you are young - you should be out enjoying yourself, and not feeling all the burdens of other people- trust me, when you get married and have kids you'll have worries and that, but they will be YOUR worries, not anyone elses.

When parents aren't together, it doesn't matter what you do, you will always be in the middle and therefore will always be left with feelings of guilt for one reason or another.

Try and step back from the situation, and think about what YOU really want, and what will make YOU really happy, not what you THINK you should do. I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

As for keeping in touch with your mum, if you can't phone regular, why not write letters, I know that always cheers me up, so if you can't be with your mum, maybe it would make her feel closer to you.

Anyway, I hope everything turns out ok for you hon, it's not nice to be in such a difficult position. 🙁

 

[elmo]

Totally in agreement with what everyone else has said here. Don't just stay in one place because you fear that they will be arguing all the time. They are the adults in this and, although it doesn't seem like it at times, they can look after themselves. You still have a few years left of your teenage life and you should be enjoying. It sounds to me, and forgive me if I'm outta line here, that you might have a better chance of enjoying those few years if you move back with your mum. It's hard to leave your friends and even harder to leave family members. (I've been there, and I miss mine like mad!) But I moved to a place where I could be looked after and enjoy what was left of my childhood. Now, the freedom of which you speak doesn't really sound like freedom to me. You said yourself that you don't get out much and you spend most of your time worrying about money and stuff. If you lived with your mum... sure you would have rules to contend with, but you would have a nice routine way of life and that's what you need at your age.

I also agree with what EDB said about taking a step back. Look at it objectively and think about YOU. You can't be held responsible for what everyone feels and, although you will naturally feel torn between them, you are the important person here and you have to think about what's best for YOU.

Look, I don't pretend to know what you are feeling here. I've looked at this from an objective point of view and given you my opinion. But that is only one opinion... so please don't take it to heart if you don't agree with it.

Let us know what you are thinking...

*hugs*

elmo

 

[SlayersDestiny]

Yeah, I'm with these guys on this. My view is, you are young - you should be out enjoying yourself, and not feeling all the burdens of other people- trust me, when you get married and have kids you'll have worries and that, but they will be YOUR worries, not anyone elses.

When parents aren't together, it doesn't matter what you do, you will always be in the middle and therefore will always be left with feelings of guilt for one reason or another.

Try and step back from the situation, and think about what YOU really want, and what will make YOU really happy, not what you THINK you should do. I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

As for keeping in touch with your mum, if you can't phone regular, why not write letters, I know that always cheers me up, so if you can't be with your mum, maybe it would make her feel closer to you.

Anyway, I hope everything turns out ok for you hon, it's not nice to be in such a difficult position. 🙁

I have to agree with EDB. Right now you are still young and shouldnt have to shoulder this worry. Its very hard when your parents arent still together (I went thru this with hubby), feeling like you arent being loyal to the parent you arent with. Relax when you go to visit your mom, perhaps you will be able to put things into better perspective. Enjoy your trip and be a teenager, soon you will be of legal age. You will make the right decision for YOU, not them. They are adults and have made their decisions with their lives. Just remember that you are not responsible for their choices.