Advice Thread

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Buffy4ever

You can bite me anyday ;)
Joined
Apr 26, 2011
Messages
40
Age
32
Location
Sunnydale
I know this really isn't the place for this... you know, in a Buffy forum, but I really don't have a lot of places to turn to and you guys seem like nice people. It's not anything life-altering but I would like some insight. I used to be part of another forum and I got in a fight with a lot of the members, but then, over time, I became good friends with a lot of them. I met this one guy who I kinda had a online-crush on and we'd text eachother and talk pretty often on the internet. That site was getting me sick, though. I was obsessed with it. I would go on every day and I would be overly-sensitive to everything that anybody would said. I had a lot in common with the members there and I did enjoy being there, but, at the same time, I experienced a lot of grief and heartache. It was getting to the point where I was unhappy in my real-life if something went wrong or if I was in a fight with other members. Let me just say, they were extremely cliquey and stuck-up at times so it was very hard to fit in there. I don't know why I kept pursuing for a year to fit in.

I decided enough was enough and I tried taking a break. I did, but I constantly kept checking up on that site everyday and keeping in contact with a lot of the members. It was as if I wasn't really on a "break". Then a little more than a week ago I decided to leave for real and cut off any contact or association with that forum. I posted a "goodbye" thread and I had some nice comments on me leaving, but there was a lot of people that didn't even care-- like the guy I was talking about, for example. He's 20 (and gay obviously) and we sometimes get in fights where we ignore each other for months at a time. We recently made up and I'm sad because he didn't even comment or acknowledge me leaving when we knew each other for so long. Overall, what I'm trying to say is that it's hard for me everyday to not check that site or text the guy. I feel like I put so much effort into that site and I kinda got brushed off. It's literally making me depressed. If I stay off that site and not go back for a long time, will things get better? I just want this feeling to end. I need a way to stop thinking about wanting to check that site or to talk to people (especially that guy) there. I'm only 17 and it's giving me a lot of heartache and I don't know what to do. I guess it's because people there had a lot in common with me (being gay and having similar interests) and they were really smart and funny. I really just wanted some really close online friends that I could actually talk to and understand what I was going through. What should I do? 🙁
 
This sounds JUST like me when I first joined BB. I was having issues with a girl and a Taylor Swift forum (PM me if you want to talk about it, not sure it's appropriate to go in detail with what happened here... although it's intense and juicy). After a while, I got so attached to BB and completely let go of TC. Now I only go back there for news and announcements and when something special happens (like music videos, or a concert I attended, or the Speak Now Help Now benefit) and it's much better. I don't get involved in the drama of the site and I stopped talking to almost everyone. I only talk to the people who were never mean or rude to me and we talk about things other than Taylor most of the time. I vote stay away from the site and cut contact with him. It might be hard at first, but it's what needs to be done.
 
Aw, I'm so sorry. I can't say I've ever been in that situation, but you can PM me if you ever need to talk. Do what feels right. I know this sounds like wishy-washy advice, but if associating with that site is affecting you like this, then maybe it's good that you're cutting yourself off from it. And who knows? Maybe you'll make some more friends here. 🙂
 
Buffy4ever said:
I know this really isn't the place for this... you know, in a Buffy forum, but I really don't have a lot of places to turn to and you guys seem like nice people. It's not anything life-altering but I would like some insight. I used to be part of another forum and I got in a fight with a lot of the members, but then, over time, I became good friends with a lot of them. I met this one guy who I kinda had a online-crush on and we'd text eachother and talk pretty often on the internet. That site was getting me sick, though. I was obsessed with it. I would go on every day and I would be overly-sensitive to everything that anybody would said. I had a lot in common with the members there and I did enjoy being there, but, at the same time, I experienced a lot of grief and heartache. It was getting to the point where I was unhappy in my real-life if something went wrong or if I was in a fight with other members. Let me just say, they were extremely cliquey and stuck-up at times so it was very hard to fit in there. I don't know why I kept pursuing for a year to fit in.

I decided enough was enough and I tried taking a break. I did, but I constantly kept checking up on that site everyday and keeping in contact with a lot of the members. It was as if I wasn't really on a "break". Then a little more than a week ago I decided to leave for real and cut off any contact or association with that forum. I posted a "goodbye" thread and I had some nice comments on me leaving, but there was a lot of people that didn't even care-- like the guy I was talking about, for example. He's 20 (and gay obviously) and we sometimes get in fights where we ignore each other for months at a time. We recently made up and I'm sad because he didn't even comment or acknowledge me leaving when we knew each other for so long. Overall, what I'm trying to say is that it's hard for me everyday to not check that site or text the guy. I feel like I put so much effort into that site and I kinda got brushed off. It's literally making me depressed. If I stay off that site and not go back for a long time, will things get better? I just want this feeling to end. I need a way to stop thinking about wanting to check that site or to talk to people (especially that guy) there. I'm only 17 and it's giving me a lot of heartache and I don't know what to do. I guess it's because people there had a lot in common with me (being gay and having similar interests) and they were really smart and funny. I really just wanted some really close online friends that I could actually talk to and understand what I was going through. What should I do? 🙁
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I agree with everyone-- if something is causing you that much anxiety and grief, the very least you should do is give it a rest. Remove yourself from the situation and the people who are responsible for the anguish you feel and reevaluate later on.
Personally, I tend to be a very passionate person so if something is cutting me to the core and making me unhealthy I need to just forget about it and move on before I realize that I am much better off without it. This was particularly true for me when I was your age, so that is my advice to you!

You are lucky to be young in an age where you can connect to so many people online and I'm sure that there will be other forums where you feel you belong. I don't know what it's like out there in terms of forum options for the gay community and I can only imagine that it's sometimes challenging to find the right place, but I'm sure you will. And maybe use this time to try to reconnect with the people around you who you see all of the time in school/ at home. There are smart and funny people everywhere who I'm sure will want to connect to you just as these other people did--some of them might be right under your nose! And if not, give it time!
 
I run my own forum and I'm officially sick of it because people just don't bother helping me out and I've had a lot of grief from things I've said. The best thing you can do is delete the URL from your "favourites" if you have it saved there and wipe your history clean to stop yourself going on. I know it's so hard to keep away from temptation but doing that is a start to not going there.

Your happiness is more important and I bet now you're away from it more you feel a lot better in some respects? I know I do from my own forum. I've not said my goodbye to anyone but I have backed off big time to show people I'm not going to be messed with. It's better to fill your time finding new sites and sticking with forums that feel more positive. Like here on BB. 😀
 
I think the whole online world can be tricky... not that the physical one is so easy to navigate, but here, especially if you're sensitive, which it sounds like you are, and I know that I am... it can be especially hard. In one way, it's so impersonal right, just words on a screen...we're not sitting face to face...but we still are having a conversation... and whether I'm typing something or saying something I'm trying to express something real that's inside of me and I take for granted that everyone else is too...

But it's easier to hide (maybe) if that's what you want to do when it's just words on a screen.

does that make sense?

the point I'm trying to make, is that in my experience, I tend to get hurt when I find that I'm putting more value into an interaction or relationship than the other person...that I believe we are really friends, despite not having met, and to the other person, I'm just a screen name...

I don't know.

keep coming back here though. everyone seems great.
 
I'm sorry you had to go through that. It may sound cliche but in my experience closing doors on negative experiences and relationships is the best thing you can do for yourself because it clears your emotions for new people and experiences. I've had breakups where I felt embarrassed at the time because I felt like I had failed at yet another relationship but I always end up happier when the person and their inability to be pleased was gone.
 
First off, BB is not just for discussing the show. It is perfectly fine to vent or ask for advice in The Bronze or your dorm chat room.

I know what you mean when you say you got attached to this guy you talked to. My sister does that a lot, involuntarily, and she gets really hurt over what the guys might say to her, which pisses me off. It is not worth it if this guy or forum is going to make you feel depressed. Just stay in BB. It is honestly the best forum I have ever joined. The people are very friendly and there are not any dominant cliques. Once you chill here for a while you will totally forget about that other forum 🙂
 
That depressed feeling does get better and it does go away.
 
You definitely gotta stay out of it, even though it can be hard. I have had same experiences.. I'm dealing with an eating disorder.. and I've had it since last year.. I joined a forum, which I thought was "normal", where girls with eating disorders could support each other and all that.. but it turned out to be a wannabe-pro-ana site.. And as the time passed by I got addicted.. and I felt the same about the members.. I didn't know what the purpose of the site was and I went with the flow without knowing it.. so I ended up having problems and heartache because the members of that forum made me believe that I would only be "good enough" if I weighed 40 kilos.. But I was addicted to the forum.. Twisted..
So, I'd say that it's best just to stay out of it if you don't feel happy about being there 🙂
 
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