Age Differences in Relationships

[The Arcane]

I thought I'd start a thread about a subject that has often amazed me regarding the way people look down on it. I'm 32 and I've just come out of a relationship with a 20 year old lass, although she was 19 when we started seeing each other. Now, for me age is pretty much irrelevant. As long as the girl in question is of legal age and wants to be with me then it's just not an issue whether she is 19, 29 or 39. I really don't care.

So why is it that in the 21st century it's still not seen as okay for two consenting adults to be together if there is a significant age gap? The majority of my friends and family think the same way as me but on occasion you come across someone that thinks there is something wrong with you if you happen to like a girl that is a fair bit younger. I don't get that at all.

Like I said, I don't go off age beyond a girl being legally old enough to make her own choices in life. My lifestyle is pretty much the same as it was when I was 18. I still have many of the same friends. We still hang out in the same pubs and clubs. We still are all massively into rock gigs. As such I still tend to meet a lot of girls that are quite a bit younger than I am. I actually met the girl I just broke up with at a gig last year. Thankfully I still look the same as I did in my mid 20s (although I never lie about how old I am) and I keep myself pretty fit so I'm fortunate in that I don't have to struggle for female attention of any age. Not saying this to big myself up, by the way. Just to make the point that even though I'm 32 years old I'm still pretty much the same as I was 10 years ago. Maybe a little fitter because I look after myself a fair bit more than I did in college.

So why, with that in mind, would anyone think it's wrong for me to be with someone ten years younger or so? What difference does the age difference make if two people really care for each other, have a lot in common and enjoy being together? To me it's just yet another social taboo that is no more correct than the idea that gay relationships are wrong because society expects a boy to love a girl. You love who you love. Hopefully now that people are finally being forced to accept that you can't stop people being together based on gender and religion it won't be long before the age taboo is forgotten as well.

 

[Willow Rosenberg]

I think it's even worse for older women dating younger men too, I think more people tend to frown on that than they do on older men dating younger women. To be honest, I personally see nothing wrong it it, as long as, like you say, both are consenting adults above legal age. There are no doubt some case where younger people, both men & women have probably been taken advantage of, but there will always be someone out there all too willing to steal someone's innocence no matter how old or young they are.

Love is hard enough to find these days, so even if it comes along in the shape of someone 10 or 15 years younger or older, then I still say go for it! 'lol' 😀

 

[Washburne]

I don´t think 10 years are what much actually. But on the other hand. At first sight I tend do react more then I see a 18 year old girl with a boy closer to 30, than I do then the ages are 24 and 35. I´m not saying the first one is wrong, it really depends on the people involved. I know 17 year old girls that are more mature than 50 year old men. So it´s not surprising that girls like/have more in common with older guys and vice versa. But I guess I´ve gotten used to the idea since my big sister got involved with a guy closer in age to my parents than her. I won´t lie, it shocked me at first. But I was 13 at the time, what did I know? But they were roughly the same kind of people, so after a while I didn´t mind the age difference. I didn´t like the guy (and still don´t), but that has nothing to do with his age. Just his personality.

So I´m sorry. I can´t really help you with why people have a problem. I could guess, but knowing the people on these boards you´ll get "better" answers from them.

 

[The Arcane]

...There are no doubt some case where younger people, both men & women have probably been taken advantage of, but there will always be someone out there all too willing to steal someone's innocence no matter how old or young they are.

I do think that is where the problem lies. Personally, "youth" is the last thing I look for in a girl. I'm attracted to girls that are more worldly wise and capable of standing up for themselves. I'm not looking for some innocent young thing because of some weird sexual desire. If for no other reason than when I look for a girlfriend it has to be someone mentally mature enough to hold a decent conversation. It's just a shame though that so many people equate dating a younger person (male or female) with some sort of sexual deviant nature.

I'd have to agree with what you said about it being more difficult for older women too. I once dated a girl about 8 or 9 years older than me and she actually ended up breaking things off with me because of the comments she was getting about my age (22 at the time). Why people think they need to give a damn about another person's relationship though, I'll never know.

 

[Willow Rosenberg]

I'd have to agree with what you said about it being more difficult for older women too. I once dated a girl about 8 or 9 years older than me and she actually ended up breaking things off with me because of the comments she was getting about my age (22 at the time). Why people think they need to give a damn about another person's relationship though, I'll never know.

I think jealousy sometimes can pop up - you know, bit of the green eyed monster - some people just don't like to see others happy if they aren't in a happy relationship themselves. I'm happily married, have been with my husband since '92 but there are still some friends and family members that are envious of what we have together, and because of that they criticise the fact that we spend so much time together.

I really don't know why others feel the need to condemn other peoples relationships before they have even got off the starting block!

I think you're right that some people will inevitably think that an older man dating a much younger women/girl is getting a sexual kick out of it. There are alot of very mature 18+ women around, but then I also know some very immature ones too. It really does depend on the indivduals.

I've never had the pleasure to date anyone much older or younger than myself, the biggest gap I had was when I was 14 and I dated an 18 year old - my husband is only 2 months older than me 'lol'

 

[The Arcane]

There are alot of very mature 18+ women around, but then I also know some very immature ones too.

Very much so, which I reckon is where the people with the issues tend to mix things up a bit. There is a big difference between dating someone younger than yourself and dating someone less mature than yourself. I've known girls in their late teens that are more mature than I will probably ever be, lol. On the other hand, I know a girl who was in my year at school who is still extremely immature and sexually inexperienced. I'd actually feel more like I was dating somebody who was too young for me if I was with her over the girl I've been seeing recently. It really is all about the individual person and how two people connect as a couple, rather than any specific detail.

 

[white avenger]

What's always amazed me about this is the double standard. A 45 year old man can date/marry a 20 year old woman, and he's a stud. A 45 year old woman dates/marries a 20 year old man, and they're both just sick. If the relationship is acceptable one way, it should be just as acceptable the other. I've never dated anyone either significantly older or younger than I am, but I don't see anything wrong with it as long as both parties are agreeable and honest about the relationship.

 

[chiigusa]

As stated, I do think maturity plays the biggest role in these types of things. For example, I'm 20 and recently went on a date with an 18 year old guy. For some reason, I felt older (which seems silly since I'm only 20). Not exactly age-wise (though this was the youngest guy I've ever dated), but because I had more ambition and more drive for various things than he did. So, I ended things because he was too immature.

I think that's a big reason girls tend to go for older guys. A guy in his 30s may be on the same level as a girl in her 20s. But, sometimes a girl, who is 20 and dating a guy who is 20, may be on completely different maturity levels. She could mentally be in her 30s, while the guy could be 12 mentally. If that makes any sense at all.

Either way, I don't think age matters as long as both people are on the same wave-length emotionally and mentally.

 

[palabravampiress]

I think the age gap raises eyebrows for a number of reasons, the first of which being the assumption of a power imbalance that is equivalent to the difference in ages. I think people worry that the younger party is unwilling or uninformed and that the older party is taking advantage. Traditionally, large age gaps were indicative of severe power imbalances. For example, powerful men often began relationships with young, attractive women as status symbols. Often, those women's motives were purely mercenary and the men's motives were less-than-honorable. Sometimes, however, the women really had no choice in the matter. I think that is where the social stigma arises. People are automatically on their guard around those whom they perceive as dangerous. The further back in time you go, the more dangerously powerful the man in this scenario was. Timnes, they are a-changing, but attitudes take longer to adjust.

I also think there is a bit of sexism at play, here, as people do two things: 1.) Automatically assume that the younger woman is weaker in some way (experience, financially, socially, etc.) and therefore incapable of making an informed decision on her own or 2.) Revile women who appear to be taking advantage of younger men because those women are upsetting the traditional power structure normally associated with age differences in relationships. In a post-feminist world, I think a lot of people feel more comfortable with the idea of women being in relationships with their social equals and gawk at anything else because the social equal scenario seems like the "safest" territory into which to tread.

 

[LittleMissLikesToFight]

Hmmm well I am just throwing personal experience in here. When i was 18, I dated someone who was 27 for several months. It worked out just fine, the only reason i stopped seeing him was personal health issues that sort of detached me from people in general.

Now, I am 21and in a relationship with a 28 year old. Doesn't sound huge, but my father and brother refuse to meet him even after we've been together a year and 4 months now, because he's older. It gets to the point where my brother and I get into very large arguments and I end up in hysterics. It's pretty bad.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, says that you would think guys would say "right on dude!" but he says guys at work kind of go... "oh....ok...." to him like he's doing something disgusting. He told me it won't ever affect how he feels about me, but that he usually gets more negative feedback than he would expect, especially from other older guys.

I get the usual look of surprise as well, and it sort of makes you feel... uncomfortable. I want to ask, why do you think i am doing something WRONG?

Anyway, my boyfriend and I love each other very much, we are very much on the same wave length, and i don't know what i would do without him. I just chalk it up to people being ignorant.

Still though, it's hard when my family won't be accepting of him. My dad said an older man dating a younger girl is only after one thing.... and thats it. But it's been almost a year and a half and I would think if he were only after sex he'd have upped and left a long time ago.

 

[Tueuse de Vampires]

who is still sexually inexperienced.

Does that really matter that much in a relationship?

I don't judge other people on the age of the people they date, as long it's legal. However, I don't think I would ever succeed in having a relationship with someone either significantly younger or older than me. I just can't see it working for me. It would feel awkward to me. As of level of maturity, it's not like I would date anyone my age who wasn't at least vagely on my level of maturity. But there I know that they are more or less in the same phase of life as me. That's the difference. I'm pretty sure I couldn't really relate to anyone who e.g. already works fulltime every day and has done so for years.

 

[The Arcane]

She could mentally be in her 30s, while the guy could be 12 mentally. If that makes any sense at all.

Makes perfect sense. My mental age is probably never going to go much passed my teens. Too much moshing has that effect! 😀

In a post-feminist world, I think a lot of people feel more comfortable with the idea of women being in relationships with their social equals and gawk at anything else because the social equal scenario seems like the "safest" territory into which to tread.

You're probably right. In my experience though, people who choose their partners based on the expectations of others usually end up in very miserable relationships. Choosing to date or marry someone for the sake of the comfort of others is just asking for trouble, I reckon.

Now, I am 21 and in a relationship with a 28 year old. Doesn't sound huge, but my father and brother refuse to meet him even after we've been together a year and 4 months now, because he's older. It gets to the point where my brother and I get into very large arguments and I end up in hysterics. It's pretty bad.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, says that you would think guys would say "right on dude!" but he says guys at work kind of go... "oh....ok...." to him like he's doing something disgusting. He told me it won't ever affect how he feels about me, but that he usually gets more negative feedback than he would expect, especially from other older guys.

Now that really does surprise me. That is only a seven year difference. Not only that but you are 21 years old! From the reactions you are getting you would think you were 15 dating a guy 30 years older!

All I can say is that you make sure you follow your heart. If you love him then don't let anyone else make your relationship difficult because believe me when I say you are doing absolutely nothing wrong.

Does that really matter that much in a relationship?

For everyone? Not at all. But if you happen to be someone who is used to relationships involving a healthy sex life then dating a girl that wasn't prepared for that would probably be a bad idea. I know that I personally couldn't be in a serious relationship that didn't include sex because that's just what I'm used to, therefore I tend to date girls on the same wavelength, sexually speaking. Again though, it's about making sure the other person is right for you.

 

[Summers Blood]

Well I'm 28 and have just recently started seeing a 20 year old. A lot of my friends etc have said something about the age gap and how young he is, but he's a marine and has been to Afghanistan. It's made him grown up fast and so despite his age he is really mature.

It doesn't bother me and it doesn't seem to bother him, in fact I think his mates think it's ace he's seeing an older woman but it is starting to bother me. I'm trying to ignore everyone else's prejudice and just concentrate on my own feelings but it's hard when everyone you're close to are saying stuff.

I'm glad this thread is here as i was actually going to start one myself. lol

At the end of the day I know it's to do with the individuals in the relationship but how do you block out those outside influences, without cutting yourself off from the world.

 

[The Arcane]

At the end of the day I know it's to do with the individuals in the relationship but how do you block out those outside influences, without cutting yourself off from the world.

I'm lucky that, for the most part, my family and friends are an open minded bunch concerning pretty much anything. There are a couple of people I know and at least one member of my family that aren't quite so open to new ideas but then that's true for anyone, I'd guess. Basically though, if I'm seeing a lass who is ten years younger or ten years older than I am, the majority of the people I actually care about won't bat an eyelid.

My advice to you is that you will likely never change anyone's opinions about what is right and what is wrong. If the people around you don't accept the relationship you are in now then chances are that they never really will. Cutting yourself off from the rest of the world is obviously not going to be the solution though, not to mention practically impossible to do.

All you really can do is accept that their opinions are only that. Opinions. They can say and think whatever they like about your life but you are the only one that has to live it so you live it in whatever way makes you happiest. If that includes being with this guy then that is all you need to know.

Sooner or later, those around you will find something new to gossip and comment on anyway. 😉

 

[randiann]

Hmmm well I am just throwing personal experience in here. When i was 18, I dated someone who was 27 for several months. It worked out just fine, the only reason i stopped seeing him was personal health issues that sort of detached me from people in general.

Now, I am 21and in a relationship with a 28 year old. Doesn't sound huge, but my father and brother refuse to meet him even after we've been together a year and 4 months now, because he's older. It gets to the point where my brother and I get into very large arguments and I end up in hysterics. It's pretty bad.

Tell you dad and your brother to grow up then! That is not bad at all. It's not like your boyfriend is 50 or something. I pretty much agree with everyone else; a relationship should be based on compatibility and the maturity of the parties involved, not age. I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 30. I wouldn't trade him for the world. Yes he's 8 years older than me but we are both in similar stages of life and we get along great. We've been dating almost a year now, and really I don't think I could ever date anyone younger just for the fact that guys who are 22 aren't mature enough. I've gotta be able to have a conversation with a guy about something more than the latest frat party. Our age is not an issue (although we do poke fun at each other about it) and it shouldn't be an issue for your family since obviously you and your boyfriend are quite compatible and I would imagine getting a little more serious at this point. Whatever you do, do not give up your love in order to make other people happy. If they want to be difficult, then let them be. Eventually they will come around.

Ok I've rambled enough now!

 

[LittleMissLikesToFight]

In my house, I have little say, especially after my mom passed last year. Now both my dad and my brother treat me so overprotectively i feel like i am 10. So telling them to "Grow up" would not fly. I am almost done with college and figure ill be moving out within a year and a half hopefully, so that'll be that.

 

[randiann]

They need to acknowledge that you are not a child any more though. You are a grown woman, and are capable of making your own decisions. Yes they should be there for you and support and love you, but it isn't their place to raise you anymore. You are already grown. I know they are just doing what they think is in your best interest, but causing grief between you and them because of a number isn't helping anyone.

On the other hand, if they do know your boyfriend from the past (which I'm assuming they don't from what you said before) then maybe there is a legitimate reason for them not liking them and trying to keep you from getting hurt. My guess though would be that in trying to protect you, they are ultimately restraining you from being with the man you love and causing unnecessary strife.

 

[LittleMissLikesToFight]

I completely agree with what you are saying... but you ever get to the point with people where there is no more use trying? that's how it is with my father. He gets ridiculously enraged (he always had a short temper, even whe ni grew up) and gives me the "your under my roof, so its my rules" thing. So, after arguing, and also trying to attempt civil conversation, multiple, multiple times at this point i feel all i can do is move out when i can.

My mother was the one who kind of kept my dad in check. she made him come down to earth about things. now that she's gone, i feel my opinion has gone out the window because she used to back me up, and now it's just me arguing for my side and it doesn't mean anything.

 

[The Arcane]

Never had the "pleasure" of having to deal with someone as stubborn as that in my family, thankfully! I've known people over the years who are just totally impossible to reason with about certain issues though, so I know where you are coming from.

You're probably doing the best thing you can then. If you dad is just never going to listen and treat you with the respect you deserve then there's little you can do about it. All you can do is decide that, no matter what, when it comes to your life the only person with a final say is you and you don't let your dad's negative attitude influence how you feel about yourself or the choices you make. It's one thing that he won't listen to you but you can never let him start to make your decisions.

 

[Harley]

Does anyone think that the acceptance of large age gaps in relationships has had any effect on the divorce rate?