Alzheimers

[teentitan]

My mother inlaw has stage 7 alzheimers and was currently placed in long-term care facility. My sister inlaw took care of her for the last 15 years and is going through some major 'empty nest syndrome'. She is very critical of the facility taking care of my mother inlaw and is talking about bringing her back home which the rest of the family says would be harmful to their mother but she is being very stubborn.
I was wondering if anyone has gone thru this and how they explained and helped the care giver to adapt to not having someone to take care of all of a sudden?
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

 

[SlayersDestiny]

My mother inlaw has stage 7 alzheimers and was currently placed in long-term care facility. My sister inlaw took care of her for the last 15 years and is going through some major 'empty nest syndrome'. She is very critical of the facility taking care of my mother inlaw and is talking about bringing her back home which the rest of the family says would be harmful to their mother but she is being very stubborn.
I was wondering if anyone has gone thru this and how they explained and helped the care giver to adapt to not having someone to take care of all of a sudden?
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

I have not personally gone thru this but I imagine it is a very difficult situation. My question(s): How long has she been at stage 7? What was the reason for her to be placed in a facility after being with your sister in law for 15yrs? Why is she critical about the care being received.. has she seen or heard something or is it just guilt after being responsible for her mom all these years?
Alzheimers is an awful disease. It robs not only the individual but the entire family. As it progesses more care is required and it seems like your family understands this. If your sister in law brings her home, she will have to basically sacrifice herself to give her 24 hour care. Though I do understand that its her mom and she wants to make sure that she does everything she can to take care of her. The best place for your mother in law is in a long term care facility. Your sister in law can spend the day with her, visiting and providing care, leaving the evening to professional staff.
Perhaps this is some help, I certainly hope so. I know that this is extremely heartbreaking , I am so very sorry that your family has to go thru this. Try talking to your sister in law again, it sounds like she has major guilt and feels like she is abandoning her mom. Talk to some health care professionals and get literature. Best of luck. If you need someone to talk to just pm me. ((hugs)) to you!!

 

[teentitan]

She's been stage 7 for about 8 months now. She cannot talk, walk, feed herself etc. so that is why she had to be placed. It just got to be too much for my sister inlaw.
I have said from the get-go that my sister inlaw has 'guilt issues' but everyone else said no. So now that the rest of the family is sorta agreeing with me now... does anyone know how to cope/reason with a person who can give lessons on stubborness to mules?

 

[arabella]

she, in addition to guilt, is likely experiencing some grief. Apart from offering to be a shoulder to lean on and a person to talk to, it is not your responsability to do anything else. You can show that you empathize and care, but the bottom line is, this is not something she necessarily needs to be reasoned out of. I suggest that she seek individual counseling if she is willing, to help her deal with the loss and change.
If needed you could gently challenge her irrational thoughts about your mother's continued care to get at the underlying emotion behind them, which is what truely needs to be addressed.

 

[SlayersDestiny]

The "guilt issues" are understandable.. its her mom, the woman who gave her life. I also agree with arabella, she does need couseling to help her grieve (even though your mother in law is here physically, mentally and emotionally she isnt) and face reality (I dont mean that in a harsh way) that the decision she originally made was the right one. I still recommend that if she has free time during the day to go and sit with her mom and enjoy the time with her, leaving the evenings to professional staff with the comfort and knowledge that mom is taken care of. Sadly with your mother in law being in advanced stage of this disease, she is in her own little world. I do hope that all of this works out for your family.

 

[killerdwarf]

I have said from the get-go that my sister inlaw has 'guilt issues' but everyone else said no. So now that the rest of the family is sorta agreeing with me now... does anyone know how to cope/reason with a person who can give lessons on stubborness to mules?

A caveat to you, TT...no matter what, if you take the lead in "talking her down" or even getting her to go to therapy (which I highly recommend), you will still be "the bad guy" for a long time...and it sounds like the in-laws are not above piling on either, so you may feel the wrath of the family for a while if you do take the lead...sorry about your position. I do have sympathy for your sister-in-law too...that was a thankless job, and now she probably feels like she has a whole lot less purpose in life. Could you think of something other than her mother's care that could fill some of the space? Suggest volunteering somewhere that isn't the nursing home? I'm just throwing stuff out...like useful stuff that gets her away from caring for her mom. Good luck in any case. It sounds like a no-win scenario is shaping up here. I hope you can find a way out!

 

[killerdwarf]

I never thought of the volunteering idea.

Yeah, it seems kind of counter-intuitive, doesn't it? I mean, she was already doing so much for free, you'd think gainful work would be what she needs. But something meaningful that means something to someone else is probably better. Work is just work, and people tend to show appreciation for aid given by strangers moreso than aid given by family. She needs positive reinforcement that she, and what she does, matters...to others and ultimately to herself.

as they do not target my wife! It sounds cliche but no one 'hurts' my wife in anyway without paying the price by me.

Right there with ya, brother!😉

 

[teentitan]

Quick update:
Well the rest of the family has finally admitted that their mom is now in stage 7. The proper facility has been found and she is moving in on Friday.
My stubborn sister inlaw seems to be finally accepting her mom got to be too much and her guilt issues are diminishing.
I have shared the thoughts of the great people who posted on this thread with my wife and in a couple of weeks she is going to suggest to her sister to do some volunteer work or talk to a support group.
My wife dove into gardening to meditate (never seen such weedless gardens before) then at night she is doing puzzles while she randomly chats with me about how she is feeling. Once in awhile I let her use my shirt as a crying towel and I don't say a word. She is coping well.
If anyone who has read this thread has a friend or family member with Alzheimers go to the Alzheimers.com website, educate yourself and learn how to help and understand those going thru it...they will thank you, not right away but after they have coped with it.

 

[killerdwarf]

My wife dove into gardening to meditate (never seen such weedless gardens before) then at night she is doing puzzles while she randomly chats with me about how she is feeling. Once in awhile I let her use my shirt as a crying towel and I don't say a word. She is coping well.

That's good news...gardening is very Zen. Could I perchance introduce her to some dandelions at Chez Dwarf?😉

Seriously, the calming of the situation is good for everyone. Therapy will help those who need it, and time will work for everyone!

 

[teentitan]

Over the years of watching my mother inlaw getting worse I always wanted to make sure she kept her dignity. Wether it was fixing the house and improving it for her or finding programs to lessen the burden of cost in a way it was my therapy which would let me be there to help my wife when she needed help in dealing with her mom's illness.
AV, SD, Arabella and KD thanks for the love and ideas. I shared them with my wife and in a few weeks she is going to have a 'heart to heart' with her sister. Oh and KD sorry but Mrs. TT is limited to weeding the gardens inside the Titan Towers compound. lol