I wanted to just say that one of my favorite characters is actually Connor Angel. The reasoning behind that is similarly I grew up in a kind of hell dimension, I believe my father's a bad guy, there's a fear that my own mother couldn't even love me, and I'm currently trying to find my way out"¦ okay, maybe not wanting to find my way out "“ a couple of months ago a floodway opened and it feels like forces beyond my control are forcing me back to them. I hate it. I want it to stop, to just go numb again, but I can't.
Connor represents the darker side of being an adoptee that I think some may or may not experience, it really depends on the person. His introduction in season three was that of a feral, almost primal, lost boy who hardly spoke and was somewhat troubled. After all, he was raised in a hell dimension "“ he did see Holtz as his father though. I could definitely relate to that, it wasn't my adoptive parents who messed me up "“ it was my environment. I was always kicked down, harassed and abused by my teachers and peers. This took its toll and I became a "ticking time bomb" set to go off at any moment. I'm actually surprised that I did make it through those years. I even came close to killing someone once, although it was to save somebody, and it came so naturally that it scared me what I was truly capable of.
From that moment on, I had a view of where I came from and who I really was. My father's son. Putting together everything about what my instincts are "“ that I didn't get from my adoptive parents "“ and about the area I come from, I've pretty much concluded that he was either a resistance fighter or a criminal. My worst fear is that I'll become my father. I hate him yet at the same time want him to teach me how to be like him and for him to be proud of me. All of these dynamics were explored within Connor and it nailed every aspect of that head on; in one corner Connor just needed his father, while in the other he only wanted to kill him.
I've pretty much concluded that my life sucks no matter how many opportunities I get because of him. He ran off on my mother, basically forcing her to give me up for adoption due to the dangers of the area that I would be targeted for (being a bastard son) and the mandate ruling of the country. Basically, he's the reason I don't have a home to go back to, the reason she's gone, that he let them get me and bring me to this hell dimension where I had to fight just to survive. I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if he had never left her. Maybe it would have been better "“ I don't know.
I don't remember being lost. But, once the memories started coming back to me "“ it was difficult to hold on and now I feel like I'm just floating in some abysmal void. It's like everything is empty now. My whole life's been built around lies. My extended family has nicknamed me the ghost over the years, granted "“ inside a part of me is already dead and wishing to be brought back to life somehow. I don't know where I fit into this world, what my place in life is, why I'm here and what I am. I've started looking in the mirror, studying my face, expressions, and everything in order to try to grasp anything that might show me what my father looks like. Plus, I've had toxic dreams a lot lately. All points also handled brilliantly in the series.
The conflict between the Holtz, Angel, and Connor triangle also hits home and has been brought up in a review I spotted before on how they're relationship mirrors those of adoption triads brought in for counseling. It is like being torn between the two, wanting both but being able to attain either one. They've told me time and time again not be deceived by all of these emotions and that they are my home and will always be my parents; yet at the same time "“ any time I question anything, they themselves get deceived and go on this spur of how they think that I don't think of them as my parents. It's really agitating and isolating. They lie to me about how they're feeling, I can sense it in the way they look at me and mention things "“ they don't even catch it; from reading up on adoptive parents side, what I've found is that while many are supportive in the search most of those also hide their fears and feelings of the search from their children afraid that they'd lose them. Part of that is recognition that their adoptive child isn't really theirs. They also start seeing themselves as baby stealers, don't think I need to go into detail on how that relates to Holtz.
While I haven't experienced the Oedipus complex, quite like Connor, I do have an odd interest in women. By that I mean, I really like some older women and "“ more than that "“ my ideal girlfriend, some of which I've found and had a couple, are more soothers and caregivers"¦ a "mother" type role with sexual attraction added in. Cordellia and Connor's relationship accurately matches this as well. Cordellia still acts like a mother towards Connor and how she refers and speaks to him as though he is a child, but Connor's easily seduced by this. The other commonality is the weakness for the words "special" and "chosen" "“ I'm betting this is because of being raised told these words and wanting at all costs to be and feel special. The other intriguing aspect of this is fear of being worse than his father (Angel) and how this motivates him; I've also found this being the case. The adoptive father raised me, but the father I'm afraid of becoming is the biological.
This can also be seen mirrored in how Holtz, similarly to a lot of adoptive parents, place emphasis on God giving them their adoptive child. Connor outright believes this, yet at the same time wants to break free from it. He wants to find a reason why he was chosen to go through hell. Jasmine gives this to him, who can be seen as his child "“ but also as a God presence in his life. God has cleansed and wiped hatred and anger from everyone around except for him. He wants to believe, but he's not able to because he's filled with such inner turmoil that he's constantly tormented. I can't think of the last time that I was honest to God happy, the only times have been fleeting only to be replaced with pain soon there after. Nothing's permanent. After being knocked down so many times in my life, pain has become the one thing that's never abandoned me. My adoptive parents have even commented how it seems like I'm addicted to it. I guess I hold onto it and don't let it go, because it's oddly comforting "“ the only thing I can ever really control and won't leave me.
From this vantage point, you also delve into the personality. Connor was always somewhat of a brooding lone wolf. I sit in my room a lot, alone, with the lights off or just around others while trapped in my own world. He only interacts when he needs to or wants to (which isn't that often). Lacking trust in others and the existence of unconditional love, he manipulates those around him and uses these skills to survive in the world. Expertly played in the season four opening of how he played Gunn and Fred.
Connor's view of Darla was also brilliantly developed. The fear that his own mother couldn't even love him has always stuck with me "“ that somehow, I wasn't good enough and that there's something inherently wrong in me. That she'd rather give me away than keep me. These are all feelings Connor has too that he expresses when confronted by the vision of his mother trying to comfort him. My adoptive mother has started to see the impact my birth mother has on me and uses it to manipulate me at times "“ asking what she would think if she saw how I am now. Which makes me wonder why she uses that against me. Connor's trapped, he knows he's a disappointment, but it seems like he's too far gone because of her absence and that she can't save him"¦ "You've been gone a long time Mom, how would you know?"
The final confrontation between Angel and Connor was pitch perfect. Connor, although he says Jasmine, wanted to give Angel and everyone around him somebody that they can love "“ be proud of, hiding under a mask, afraid that if they ever found out who he was that they would turn against him. I also have this fear and because of this I go to great lengths to hide everything that's in my head from my adoptive parents. Afraid that if they realize how much of a freak their son really is, that they'd disown me. Right now it seems like I'm trapped in a black hole, I want it to be over "“for everything to, I just want to rest. But, I can't. I'm too afraid. You can't be saved by a lie, no matter how others want to believe you can "“ you'll always be troubled, you'll always be wounded, you'll always be cast out. Alone, cold, left to die"¦ as Connor tells the gang in the sewers.
Angel surrenders his son and he's taken away. Given manufactured memories and a seemingly better home life. Connor jokes about how far away he can get from his new adoptive parents, that when making a toast he's talking about his "other family," and so on. This side of Connor is how I've always related to my adoptive parents, joking around and often about the same subjects such as not being able to trust them, moving as far away as possible, and my "other" family. These memories were created for Connor to endure the past, so that he can survive reality. In the end, however, he returns to his father and still sees him as his father. Forces that are beyond their control have brought them together again. I view and relate to this especially because no matter how good my adoptive parents are, despite the environment being hell and inner turmoil, I always return to my biological roots.
Throughout the series, Connor Angel's character has been a constant metaphor for the turmoil that adoptees can go through, the dark side that isn't often explored. The tug-of-war between the birth parent and adoptive parent over the soul of the child tearing him apart in the process, the adoptee fearing that something is wrong with him and wanting to find some way to be saved, and the awkward tension that exists.
The search commences next year. I'll return home after years of being lost. I'll confront my past and I'm almost certain that there's going to be dangers ahead when meeting my biological father because of the traits and instincts that I link back to him "“ being a predator/hunter. So, I just wanted to throw my kudos out there to the writers who brought this tormented character to life and how to the core they kept it. I don't know if any of them were adopted or were birth parents or adoptive parents or what connection they had to the triad "“ if any - only that it was one of the closest portrayals I've ever seen in media and that says a lot.
True, I'm kinda messed up. Thought I'd throw in all of my thoughts on the character, for those interested, from personal experience. I'm a screenwriter with an upcoming werewolf film that I'm developing with a friend who's very, very closely connected in the industry to the point that it's certain it can get made and read by important people in the industry. So for those who similarly dig this character and the problems he goes through, be on the look out.
Connor represents the darker side of being an adoptee that I think some may or may not experience, it really depends on the person. His introduction in season three was that of a feral, almost primal, lost boy who hardly spoke and was somewhat troubled. After all, he was raised in a hell dimension "“ he did see Holtz as his father though. I could definitely relate to that, it wasn't my adoptive parents who messed me up "“ it was my environment. I was always kicked down, harassed and abused by my teachers and peers. This took its toll and I became a "ticking time bomb" set to go off at any moment. I'm actually surprised that I did make it through those years. I even came close to killing someone once, although it was to save somebody, and it came so naturally that it scared me what I was truly capable of.
From that moment on, I had a view of where I came from and who I really was. My father's son. Putting together everything about what my instincts are "“ that I didn't get from my adoptive parents "“ and about the area I come from, I've pretty much concluded that he was either a resistance fighter or a criminal. My worst fear is that I'll become my father. I hate him yet at the same time want him to teach me how to be like him and for him to be proud of me. All of these dynamics were explored within Connor and it nailed every aspect of that head on; in one corner Connor just needed his father, while in the other he only wanted to kill him.
I've pretty much concluded that my life sucks no matter how many opportunities I get because of him. He ran off on my mother, basically forcing her to give me up for adoption due to the dangers of the area that I would be targeted for (being a bastard son) and the mandate ruling of the country. Basically, he's the reason I don't have a home to go back to, the reason she's gone, that he let them get me and bring me to this hell dimension where I had to fight just to survive. I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if he had never left her. Maybe it would have been better "“ I don't know.
I don't remember being lost. But, once the memories started coming back to me "“ it was difficult to hold on and now I feel like I'm just floating in some abysmal void. It's like everything is empty now. My whole life's been built around lies. My extended family has nicknamed me the ghost over the years, granted "“ inside a part of me is already dead and wishing to be brought back to life somehow. I don't know where I fit into this world, what my place in life is, why I'm here and what I am. I've started looking in the mirror, studying my face, expressions, and everything in order to try to grasp anything that might show me what my father looks like. Plus, I've had toxic dreams a lot lately. All points also handled brilliantly in the series.
The conflict between the Holtz, Angel, and Connor triangle also hits home and has been brought up in a review I spotted before on how they're relationship mirrors those of adoption triads brought in for counseling. It is like being torn between the two, wanting both but being able to attain either one. They've told me time and time again not be deceived by all of these emotions and that they are my home and will always be my parents; yet at the same time "“ any time I question anything, they themselves get deceived and go on this spur of how they think that I don't think of them as my parents. It's really agitating and isolating. They lie to me about how they're feeling, I can sense it in the way they look at me and mention things "“ they don't even catch it; from reading up on adoptive parents side, what I've found is that while many are supportive in the search most of those also hide their fears and feelings of the search from their children afraid that they'd lose them. Part of that is recognition that their adoptive child isn't really theirs. They also start seeing themselves as baby stealers, don't think I need to go into detail on how that relates to Holtz.
While I haven't experienced the Oedipus complex, quite like Connor, I do have an odd interest in women. By that I mean, I really like some older women and "“ more than that "“ my ideal girlfriend, some of which I've found and had a couple, are more soothers and caregivers"¦ a "mother" type role with sexual attraction added in. Cordellia and Connor's relationship accurately matches this as well. Cordellia still acts like a mother towards Connor and how she refers and speaks to him as though he is a child, but Connor's easily seduced by this. The other commonality is the weakness for the words "special" and "chosen" "“ I'm betting this is because of being raised told these words and wanting at all costs to be and feel special. The other intriguing aspect of this is fear of being worse than his father (Angel) and how this motivates him; I've also found this being the case. The adoptive father raised me, but the father I'm afraid of becoming is the biological.
This can also be seen mirrored in how Holtz, similarly to a lot of adoptive parents, place emphasis on God giving them their adoptive child. Connor outright believes this, yet at the same time wants to break free from it. He wants to find a reason why he was chosen to go through hell. Jasmine gives this to him, who can be seen as his child "“ but also as a God presence in his life. God has cleansed and wiped hatred and anger from everyone around except for him. He wants to believe, but he's not able to because he's filled with such inner turmoil that he's constantly tormented. I can't think of the last time that I was honest to God happy, the only times have been fleeting only to be replaced with pain soon there after. Nothing's permanent. After being knocked down so many times in my life, pain has become the one thing that's never abandoned me. My adoptive parents have even commented how it seems like I'm addicted to it. I guess I hold onto it and don't let it go, because it's oddly comforting "“ the only thing I can ever really control and won't leave me.
From this vantage point, you also delve into the personality. Connor was always somewhat of a brooding lone wolf. I sit in my room a lot, alone, with the lights off or just around others while trapped in my own world. He only interacts when he needs to or wants to (which isn't that often). Lacking trust in others and the existence of unconditional love, he manipulates those around him and uses these skills to survive in the world. Expertly played in the season four opening of how he played Gunn and Fred.
Connor's view of Darla was also brilliantly developed. The fear that his own mother couldn't even love him has always stuck with me "“ that somehow, I wasn't good enough and that there's something inherently wrong in me. That she'd rather give me away than keep me. These are all feelings Connor has too that he expresses when confronted by the vision of his mother trying to comfort him. My adoptive mother has started to see the impact my birth mother has on me and uses it to manipulate me at times "“ asking what she would think if she saw how I am now. Which makes me wonder why she uses that against me. Connor's trapped, he knows he's a disappointment, but it seems like he's too far gone because of her absence and that she can't save him"¦ "You've been gone a long time Mom, how would you know?"
The final confrontation between Angel and Connor was pitch perfect. Connor, although he says Jasmine, wanted to give Angel and everyone around him somebody that they can love "“ be proud of, hiding under a mask, afraid that if they ever found out who he was that they would turn against him. I also have this fear and because of this I go to great lengths to hide everything that's in my head from my adoptive parents. Afraid that if they realize how much of a freak their son really is, that they'd disown me. Right now it seems like I'm trapped in a black hole, I want it to be over "“for everything to, I just want to rest. But, I can't. I'm too afraid. You can't be saved by a lie, no matter how others want to believe you can "“ you'll always be troubled, you'll always be wounded, you'll always be cast out. Alone, cold, left to die"¦ as Connor tells the gang in the sewers.
Angel surrenders his son and he's taken away. Given manufactured memories and a seemingly better home life. Connor jokes about how far away he can get from his new adoptive parents, that when making a toast he's talking about his "other family," and so on. This side of Connor is how I've always related to my adoptive parents, joking around and often about the same subjects such as not being able to trust them, moving as far away as possible, and my "other" family. These memories were created for Connor to endure the past, so that he can survive reality. In the end, however, he returns to his father and still sees him as his father. Forces that are beyond their control have brought them together again. I view and relate to this especially because no matter how good my adoptive parents are, despite the environment being hell and inner turmoil, I always return to my biological roots.
Throughout the series, Connor Angel's character has been a constant metaphor for the turmoil that adoptees can go through, the dark side that isn't often explored. The tug-of-war between the birth parent and adoptive parent over the soul of the child tearing him apart in the process, the adoptee fearing that something is wrong with him and wanting to find some way to be saved, and the awkward tension that exists.
The search commences next year. I'll return home after years of being lost. I'll confront my past and I'm almost certain that there's going to be dangers ahead when meeting my biological father because of the traits and instincts that I link back to him "“ being a predator/hunter. So, I just wanted to throw my kudos out there to the writers who brought this tormented character to life and how to the core they kept it. I don't know if any of them were adopted or were birth parents or adoptive parents or what connection they had to the triad "“ if any - only that it was one of the closest portrayals I've ever seen in media and that says a lot.
True, I'm kinda messed up. Thought I'd throw in all of my thoughts on the character, for those interested, from personal experience. I'm a screenwriter with an upcoming werewolf film that I'm developing with a friend who's very, very closely connected in the industry to the point that it's certain it can get made and read by important people in the industry. So for those who similarly dig this character and the problems he goes through, be on the look out.
S
Skytteflickan88
That's a very insightful post. Hope it goes well, or atleast okay, with facing your past.
I
InsaneMystic
wow... VERY impressive post. kudos for talking so openly about your life!