Apologies are important

[zobothehobo]

I'm not sure if non-mod people are allowed to create threads here... but I really wanted to get this all out there because I think it's very important. In another thread, I mention my five parts of an apology and linked to a tumblr post that elaborated, but I wanted to elaborate here. Also, there's something in that tumblr post that's not really focused on, but online, I think it's more important.

Five Parts of the Apology

Apologies are there to ameliorate a wrong. But sometimes it can be tricky to really fix it with an apology, or even take a step towards fixing it because the apology you're using is leaving the other person still feeling vulnerable. Apologizing with all five parts of the apology should fix that.

1. "I'm sorry."
You need some form of statement of regret at the beginning. "I'm sorry," "I apologize," "I wish I hadn't done that," "I regret doing that" are all good examples. For part number 1, I'd stay away from things like "please forgive me" because it is not an "I" statement and therefore distances you from the apology. It puts it in the hands of the person being apologized to. If they say "no," they're holding onto stuff and refusing to forgive you... And you never want that. You don't want to make the person you're apologizing to feel boxed in. But stopping at part 1 (what a lot of people do most often in our society), is so incomplete. My rule: "If sorry isn't good enough one time, it's not good enough all those other times either."

2. What happened.
This is the latter part of the oh so famous "I'm sorry for-" format of apologizing. It is important to let to person you're apologizing to understand that you know what they're upset about. I'm sure we've all had moments in our lives where we say "You're sorry? Ok... So what is it I'm mad about?" And the person looks at us with a blank expression and doesn't know. And it is SO frustrating. This is considered a more complete apology in society, but don't let that fool you. You're still very incomplete.

3. Why what happened happened
This part is where you explain (not excuse) what you said in number 2. Explain why whatever happened happened. A lot of times, when we're apologized to, we're left saying "I just don't understand why." And this, of course, fixes that. It also helps the person apologizing understand themselves and the situation better. This is important for part 4.

4. Reason to believe it won't happen again
It is important to have some plan for the future. A reason or something that the person being apologized to can hold onto to accept your apology, forgive you, and trust you again. It's also important to have a plan for the future so you don't hurt this person or someone else the way you just have.

5. "It won't happen again."
This part will often be said in part 4, but sometimes it's not. If it's not, you need to say it at the end. It brings back home everything you've just said especially parts 4 and 1. Part 4 by reiterating the point that the person can trust you, and part 1 by reiterating the initial feeling of regret.


So those are the five parts of a full apology. If you apologize like that, you're much more likely to fix the relationship with the person.


Apologies go both ways

Nothing exists in a vacuum. If someone does something that upsets you, you've done something to upset them too. Even if they're overreacting and what you did it small.. it's something. It is important to remember this. As a general rule, if you feel you're owed and apology, you probably owe one too. People don't generally get mad over literally nothing. So if ever you're feeling hurt, look inside yourself and ask yourself what you need to apologize for. Sometimes, you'll be surprised at what happens.. someone you never thought would apologize to you just might if you're the bigger person and apologize first.

This is especially important on the internet. So often hurt feelings stay hurt on the internet and fester until someone does something drastic. These feelings stay hurt long past the point they'd be fixed in the physical world because neither one of you can see each other. Apologies, especially full complete apologies, can be therapeutic... so why not apologize first. And if someone apologizes to you about something... think about what you could apologize to them about.

 

[BananaBuffy]

Zoe, you already know that I think you're a genius. If you wrote one, I could read a whole book on this and more from you. You're actually incredibly smart and appear to understand the human nature a lot better than some.

Apologies are very important, especially if you want to hold onto someone you hold dear. Believe me, I've had to make some apologies in my time, especially online. I've had issues with a group of friends before, and a friend in paticular that I don't ever want to lose. My problem with apologies is that I always believe that it's my fault, OR I know it isn't but I pretend it is anyway so I can fix the problem. Often I'm owed an apology but I make one instead to fix the situation. I think people have different issues when it comes to apologizing. Some find it extremely hard to do at all while some can do it easily and do it too much.

I had an experience with a friend, Alex (Zoe, you know this) where we grew distant. It was bad. She was taking me for granted, she knew it, I didn't let myself know it. I was terffied of losing her, I'm terrified of losing anyone, even the creator of this thread. I'm afraid people will get tired of me and just leave and this situation didn't help that. We were great friends for so long, but she has these issues where she pushes people away and because I was so dependable I was one of those people. There came a time where she made a lot of new friends on tumblr, and in RPing. I kept trying to fit in with these people but I found that I couldn't. But I clung onto her anyway, I have issues with doing that.

Our distancing happened gradually but we both noticed it, as much as I tried to avoid it. I was terrified, clinging with all I had. There came times when we both snapped. The worst time kept me awake crying all night. We were on tumblr and Alex had made this angsty post about something or other that was pushing us apart (something to do with our RP group) and I posted something angsty back and suddenly she said something about giving up. We kept posting back and forwards to each other and the fact that she had given up on our friendship crushed me. I cried the entire night, falling asleep early in the morning. The very next day I sent a message to her ask. You know what I did? I apologized for the whole ordeal. I got an apology in return but I knew it didn't mean anything, she was just going to do it again. And she did, and every time this happened I would go back and I would apologize once more for nothing.

Finally, there is a happy ending. One day she told me she needed to talk to me. We used to talk every single night before the distance between us. So I logged onto MSN for the first time in months to find her waiting. She began to apologize, it was a real apology, pretty much following the steps Zoe has outlined. It was true, genuine and she didn't do it because I apologized first. It meant the world to me. She told me that she had issues with pushing the people who mattered away. I told her that it was okay, because I was a Hufflepuff at heart and wasn't going anyway. My loyalty never falters, tbqh. I was so happy.

From that day fourth we've gone back to our old routines. We're the best of friends again and I couldn't be happier. I love her to pieces. But this shows you what a good apology can do and also the pitfalls of apologizing.

So, again Zoe, you are a genius. I plan to follow this method for the rest of my life if I can. And sorry about going all rambly on everyone.

 

[This Year's Girl]

I think I've read this on your tumblr before, and I think it's great steps. I also think that the part at the end that if you think you're owed an apology you're probably should give one too is really worth thinking about! Although it's not always the case I agree that many Times a argument comes from both parties. Thinkning about what you yourself could've done to upset the other part is a great way to forgivness too!