Are sexual relationships in the Western World unhealthy?

[Doppelgang]

I read a book by Paulo Coelho, called eleven minutes about a woman from Brazil growing up with many hopes and dreams to achieve things and have adventures in faraway places, who ends up becoming a prostitute in Europe, and sees how so much of life seems to revolve around the "eleven minutes" of a sexual encounter, and through the book Paulo Coelho questions the healthiness of this attitude to sex.

So, for the more experienced people on here 😉 I was wondering what your experiences are of whether sexual relationships are healthy in the West. I'm thinking in particular of the fact that much of life can become subverted to the one goal of getting gratification, and that people often play false gender roles for the sake of this gratification. Also, I'm thinking of people in long-term monagomous relationships who feel compelled to stay together for the sake of their children or because they feel it would be a sin to break-up, and so their relationship becomes more and more artificial, and bitterness develops between them.

Also, for the less experienced on here aswell what is your view on this topic?

For me personally, all of this kind of thing makes me question how healthy sexual realtionships are in the western world at least. It's as if Christianity has given us this legacy of two extremes of people who are sexually repressed and people who are sexually expressive but in crude and destructive ways. So that it is maybe better to be single. That is my view based on my limited experience anyway, what do other people think?

 

[NY State of Mind]

Well I consider myself healthy lol....it doesn't always have to be extremes but yeah I do know extremists out there....My goal isn't everyday "oh I need to have sex". And I can function properly with women without it although I obviously wouldn't mind if it's my kind of girl 😉 . I don't play false roles, etc. to get some...I just stay myself and keep it real unless its roleplay 😛

 

[Abby27]

Cool topic!

I am a waiting until marriage because of my faith and while I believe what I am doing is right, it doesn't mean I'm some sexually repressed person. I mean I'm 21, I want to have sex, but I just know waiting is better. I think sex isn't taken too seriously in the western culture. I mean, I know it's gonna be fun and awesome (and maybe a little awkward the first time...) but I like the idea of it being something you only share with one other person. My boyfriend and I both know we are gonna wait until we get married, but, it's not easy. Especially when you're in love.

 

[Tueuse de Vampires]

I'm not sure if you meant this at all (probably not), but with this lifestyle of trying to get it in no matter what, the risk of STDs is pretty high. I've noticed it especially here in the States (maybe it's a college thing?) that people just sleep around like crazy, and worst, half of them don't even seem to use condoms. So that's definitely not a good thing.

I also think our lives are way too focussed on sex. I'm not really an exeption there (this is bad, but after a few weeks of forced celibacy, I really notice how my standards go down). The thing with this is, I think that's part of the reason why it's so hard for me to find anyone to date (remember, I'm the girl who never has had a boyfriend, or even been on a date)...because everyone around just wants to have sex, people sleep with each other way too early, and afterwards there's no incentive why to keep seeing each other.


EDIT: Really, the more I think about, the more I am shocked at American colleges. I'm one to talk, I'm part of it, but sexual relationships here are DEFINITELY not healthy.

 

[Kean]

I don't know if Western sexual relationships are unhealthy or if it is more that peoples' relationships with sex are unhealthy. There is certainly a dire need for more sexual education and awareness about protection.

Personally, I like living in a society where a sexual woman is not stigmatised or repressed. I am grateful that I get to make the decisions regarding my sex life. Sex only has the power you give it, so to me, it is all about being properly educated and knowing what you want from the experience. I like sex and I feel I have a healthy attitude towards it.

 

[white avenger]

I may be completely alone in this, but I've never considered engaging in nothing more than casual sex as any sort of "relationship," healthy or otherwise. That is copulation, nothing more, nothing less, and expecting it to last much longer than that mythical "eleven minutes" isn't particularly realistic.

(And incidentally, Russ Meyer made a movie called "The Seven Minutes" back in 1971 about basically the same subject as Mr Coelho's book. Apparently our staying power has improved over the years.) was back then.)

***There was going to be a clip from Youtube here from the old movie, showing a VERY young Tom Selleck and radio personality Wolfman Jack, but it contained nudity, so I decided against it.***

 

[Doppelgang]

I think the responses on here so far have shown a level of sexual maturity that I know I don't have and many others possibly don't have. It's good to know that there can be a more level-headed approach to this subject. I certainly agree with Kean about a need for better sexual education, and I think some of it really needs to come from parents. As, for me, with my parents when I was growing up anything to do with sex and relationships was a taboo subject to be passed over in silence.

My problem is I always find myself drawn to one extreme or the other, either thinking complete sexual self-expression is best, or complete sexual repression. I can't seem to find a more sensible middle-ground position. I feel there is an unhealthiness in some who view sex in too light-hearted a manner, like those who don't think of it as extending beyond the 11 or 7 minutes, but then there is also an unhealthiness in taking it too seriously, such as it's use often in the past by religions to repress women.

My concern is to not let my life revolve around those 11 or 7 minutes in the sense of subverting other meaning and purpose there is to be found in life. It gets unhealthy I think when your mindset reduces all else as means to the end of having this 11 minute experience. I know that my mindset has been like that in the past, its like being possesed, and I'd prefer not to get caught up in that frame of mind again.

For me at the moment the only way I can avoid that is to pretty much avoid sex altogether, I wish I could have a healthy approach to sexual relationships and keep them in perspective, but in my head I can only see them as an all or nothing thing. It's probably not a problem endemic to the Western world as I suggested before, but it is a big problem for quite a few of us I think at the opposite ends of the spectrum.

 

[Kean]

Let me just say kudos on a really interesting topic. It really has me reflecting on my own life and how I view sex. If you have people thinking, you know you are on the right path 😉

I certainly agree with Kean about a need for better sexual education, and I think some of it really needs to come from parents. As, for me, with my parents when I was growing up anything to do with sex and relationships was a taboo subject to be passed over in silence.

So do I. In fact, I'm pretty sure my mother would die if I so much as said the word sex to her. I was give absolutely ZERO sex ed in school, so I had to learn myself. It was honestly my peers and TV/Film that informed me in my younger years. Not the best way to learn, I mean it could have gone so drastically wrong, but I turned out OK. But there must be more education. The amount of stories I have heard about people catching STDs or getting pregnant simply because they were so ignorant on the subject of sex that they didn't know they needed protection, would scare you. And I'm talking about people in their 20s.

And I don't even mean clinical or basic education about protection and the medical risks, but also education on how to view sex. It is still such a taboo, I think if people were taught from the get go that it is perfectly normal, wonderful part of being a person but also something that should be respected and appreciated. You'd find people having much healthier attitudes towards sex.

My problem is I always find myself drawn to one extreme or the other, either thinking complete sexual self-expression is best, or complete sexual repression. I can't seem to find a more sensible middle-ground position. I feel there is an unhealthiness in some who view sex in too light-hearted a manner, like those who don't think of it as extending beyond the 11 or 7 minutes, but then there is also an unhealthiness in taking it too seriously, such as it's use often in the past by religions to repress women.

For me, sex is an incredibly personal thing and not something I could (or would) share with just anyone. There's a level of trust involved in it that I simply could not have with someone I just met. Not only that, I have immense respect for the act itself. It's not "nothing", in fact it is quite "something". And certainly not something to be just given away. I almost view sex as gift/responsibility, we are so lucky to have this means of expression. So, I definitely think it should be treated with care.

However, I know many people don't share this view. This is what works for me. I think everyone has to find what is right for them.

 

[caitaintdead]

How do I view sex personally? Well, I enjoy sex. I like having it. I may be alone here in lots of groups of people, but I don't see why sex has to mean a relationship. I prefer it when there is some sort of connection with the person but it doesn't have to be a romantic love, or someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I don't see why it should have to.

I don't think that it's healthy to have a life that revolves around getting laid at all though, the reason why I tend to have lots of sexual relationships is quite the opposite - it's because I often don't have the energy or time to try and build a romantic relationship with people before wanting to be pleased in other ways. My life revolves around me - my work is number one priority and sport is my second priority. I don't believe that having these priorities means I should miss out on great sex.

I don't feel like me being sexual active with different partners means that I'm 'God's police or devils whores' although I do believe that the media has definitely paid a big part in this destructive view of sex. I believe it is DEFINITELY shown through the media in women in particular, which I believe is unfair.

 

[Kean]

I don't feel like me being sexual active with different partners means that I'm 'God's police or devils whores' although I do believe that the media has definitely paid a big part in this destructive view of sex. I believe it is DEFINITELY shown through the media in women in particular, which I believe is unfair.

DEFINITELY.

Lets just take Angelina Jolie and say, George Clooney for example. She is a home wrecking whore who jumps from film to film collecting her men victims. While Clooney is the charming, suave gentleman, who just knows how to treat a lady right.

It's ridiculous.

 

[Mumrik]

I think Kean has a very good point. As a rule, it's not sexual relationships themselves that are unhealthy, it's mostly how we view sex and how this translates into our sexual relationships. When I look back on how I viewed sex not three years ago and how I view it now, it's a world of difference. It helped that between then and now, I actually had it. My view on sex changed only afterwards. I say now I was pretty repressed before, and I mostly blame the way I was brought up and what I was and wasn't taught vs. good old peer pressure.

My parents never bothered to enlighten me on the subject of where the babies come from and after a couple of talks I've had with my mother, she admitted she hoped school and the media would take care of that. Well, they did, but there is something very skewed on how you view sex if you're too embarrassed to talk about it with your own children, or parents, for that matter.

Not to mention, she didn't even talk with me after I saw something on TV and then had questions about it (in this case, why Oz was jealous of Tara, because I simply didn't understand her relationship with Willow correctly), so I was completely oblivious to the fact that homosexuality even existed until I was about fifteen. And the simple truth is, even if you have sex ed in school - which I did - you rarely talk about more than how babies are made and how you can avoid that. There certainly wasn't anything about the fact that sex doesn't necessarily have to occur between one man and one woman. I learned all that from the internet. And I don't think that's how you should learn important stuff like this. You should learn it from people you can trust. On the off chance that I ever have children, I wouldn't want them to find out through the internet and then find out they weren't fully educated on protection by them coming home with an STD.

Now, factor all this and the fact that I grew up in a tiny town in the countryside, I'd say yes, my view on sex until I was 18, 19 was more than a little skewed. I can't ever know for sure, of course, but I think I might have figured out I was gay a little sooner than I have. Okay, the fact that I was a late bloomer didn't help either. I'd say now, I'm pretty comfortable with how I view sex, I don't have to have it and I can go on long periods of time without and have, but it's nice to have sex. I can talk about it openly with my friends, I can ask question without them being avoided or laughed at and especially me and my closest friends often get into TMI territory, but that's okay and is fantastic for me, because I've never had the feeling that you can be comfortable with this subject and that it doesn't have to be avoided or only spoken about in hushed tones. But I still wouldn't talk with my family about it. So, maybe not so comfortable after all.

 

[Ianigsy]

This is a bit of an issue for me, and you'll either get me in one mood where I'll say loads or another where I just ignore it.

I suspect my own attitude to sexual relationships isn't healthy, but from the opposite angle to most people who have that problem. I went from an all boys school to university at 18, spent three years not having the first idea how to talk to girls, became an evangelical Christian at 21 and spent the next twelve years waiting-and waiting-and waiting, because in that environment it can be difficult and awkward to let somebody know you're interested. The end result has been that a couple of years ago I decided to stop stressing about it all, so love and sex are a closed book to me and I'm not constantly kicking myself for being single so I do have some more peace.

Yes, it isn't fair that society has problems with women enjoying sex- I think that goes back to the days before reliable birth control, when if a woman slept around, there would be no telling who was the father of the inevitable child. But then again I used to work with someone who pretty much set out to work his way through the female population of Leeds (although I'm still not sure how much was fantasy) and while he was a nice enough person to work with for seven hours of the day, his private life was just sordid and tacky.

 

[Doppelgang]

Let me just say kudos on a really interesting topic. It really has me reflecting on my own life and how I view sex. If you have people thinking, you know you are on the right path

Thanks, I'm all for making people think 🙂 I studied philosophy at university and loved it

It helped that between then and now, I actually had
it. My view on sex changed only afterwards. I say now I was pretty repressed before, and I mostly blame the way I was brought up and what I was and wasn't taught vs. good old peer pressure.

My parents never bothered to enlighten me on the subject of where the babies come from and after a couple of talks I've had with my mother, she admitted she hoped school and the media would take care of that. Well, they did, but there is something very skewed on how you view sex if you're too embarrassed to talk about it with your own children, or parents, for that matter.

Thats a very good point, but it's very difficult as the child to take the first step in talking about these things with your parents.

I think that because alot of us were raised in a transitional era between religious and scientific influence there was maybe some sort of void in getting proper sexual and general education in life from parents in particular and from school. If in the absence of that you get help from peers and can talk to them then that would help alot, and I suppose its through that in the end that we are able to lessen are parents moral control over us and so not be so repressed.

Maybe alot of parents avoid talking about it out of embarasment, but maybe also there is an element of thinking that if parents educate them well here they will go off into the world and so parents lose control over them, and they are scared of losing that control for what might happen to their kids. A form of being over-protective maybe?

 

[sisterofmercy]

I think generally it's the Western media that are responsible for propagating an unhealthy view of sexual relationships. Sex is used to sell things and treated like a commodity, so it's possible that some may unconsciously pick up on that. Then there's the sheer amount of sex and innuendo in television and the film industry that give the idea that sex is something that everyone wants or should want. People may feel pressured to lose their virginity or look at porn, etc because they think it's what you're supposed to do at a certain age.

I'm not saying it's all bad though. It has also made the topic a lot more approachable and people feel more comfortable (generally) talking about it and seeking information. There is a natural biological impulse to want to do it, though I think the media goes a bit overboard with emphasising it. On the other hand, I do think that some branches of Christianity go completely the other way and elevate it into something that's 'sinful' if not done in the proper circumstances. But I won't get into that as I know there's a fair few Christian folk on here and I don't want to offend.

Personally I'm really not bothered by the subject. I know at my age I should be, but I'm in no rush to jump into that kind of situation anytime soon. I'm not finished growing up and developing yet, who knows if I ever will.

 

[zobothehobo]

I kept forgetting to respond to this topic...

I have a different relationship with sex than most people because sex WASN'T a taboo topic in my family. I've said this before and I don't feel like re-typing it, so I'm going to go find my posts in the glee topics about my mother's sex education...

When I was three, my mom was pregnant with my sister. Mom was a science teacher so she never lied to us... when she got pregnant, she told us the baby was in her uterus... so I knew the term and I knew the baby was not in mommy's stomach, she didn't eat my sister... On the way out the door one day, I asked mom why I didn't have a baby in my uterus. She said "you have to have a daddy." I said "I do, his name is Barry" (my father's name is Barry). She said "No, you have to have a husband... a daddy for the baby." And I said "Oh, well I'm going to marry Nathaniel (a boy who was a child of a family friend and went to my pre-school). Mom then explained that his sperm had to fertilize my egg first. That was fine with me until I was about six... and then I asked "Mom, I know the sperm has to fertilize the egg... but how does it get there and how does the egg become a baby?" So she explained to me about pensises and vaginas and the mechanics of sex... and also basic development in the womb. Again, I was six years old. By 8, mom was showing me funny pictures of an old guy holding a fish with his penis hanging out of his bathing suit. By 9, she was asking to show me how to put a condom on a banana.

So because of that, sex is just natural to me... I don't feel strongly about it either way. I'm not like "OH MY GOD I NEED TO GO HAVE SEX" and I'm not like "I'm not having sex until I'm married." I'm like "I'll have sex when I have sex."

A friend of mine from high school had possibly the most unhealthy relationship with sex I've ever seen. He would go out and have sex with someone he didn't even know just because he hadn't had sex in a week. That was a super long time for him. He was always bragging about how often he had sex and boasting about how he had so many sexual partners and didn't even know so many of them that he couldn't even count them. He's gay and his parents never gave him any sort of proper sex talk. I'm convinced that's part of the reason why he was so crazy.

I think education is key here. To have a healthy relationship with sex, I think you need to have a healthy level of education and understand about what it is you're doing. And I think it needs to be made clear to you sex isn't the worst thing in the world, it's natural.

 

[brinkster130]

I think that because alot of us were raised in a transitional era between religious and scientific influence there was maybe some sort of void in getting proper sexual and general education in life from parents in particular and from school. If in the absence of that you get help from peers and can talk to them then that would help alot, and I suppose its through that in the end that we are able to lessen are parents moral control over us and so not be so repressed.

Maybe alot of parents avoid talking about it out of embarasment, but maybe also there is an element of thinking that if parents educate them well here they will go off into the world and so parents lose control over them, and they are scared of losing that control for what might happen to their kids. A form of being over-protective maybe?

This is exactly it, the Western Culture is being raised in transitional era. What do we teach children now? Do you base our sexual education off of religious beliefs or scientific studies? Are schools even responsible for teaching children about sexual relationships or are their parents. Our society doesn't agree on any of these so we are caught between the two.

In schools we are often taught about sexual relationships but with very, very heavy abstinence only undertones. Our media is showing us unhealthy sexual relationships and packaging it up in a glamourous way as if to tell us that is the norm. These two views of sexual relationships don't mesh. Its not realistic to expect teens to abstain and on the same note its not realistic for someone who gets pregnant as a teen to end up on TV making well above the entry level salary a recent college grad. would make. (Teen Mom??)

I think a large number of the children, teens and young adults in the Western Culture were raised with mixed messages about sex and sexual relationships. I think these inconsistencies with education has allowed for a large number of people to have an unhealthy attitude towards sexual relationships.

 

[Willow My Love]

I think it all depends on your personal attitude toward sex. If you're kind of prude, and get embarrassed, your sex life will suffer. If you're more relaxed toward sex, your sex life will be better. Personally, sex isn't something I talk about with everyone, but I'm very open about it. That comes from my mom, who, when I was 5 and asked where babies came from, whipped out the medical books and diagrams. I've never been afraid to ask my mom a question about sex. But that can be bad too, because it can lead to being promiscuous. I never have been promiscuous, personally.

I think sex too early in a relationship can possibly kill the relationship, or make that person wonder if all their SO wants from them is sex. We waited two days into our relationship to have sex. Three years later, we're still going strong, but that's not the case for everyone.

I never really made a big deal about losing my virginity to someone. I figured when I want to, I want to. I was 16 when I did, and I regret nothing. But I know some people who made a huge deal out of it and were completely let down when the person they chose didn't live up to their standards and the relationship ended. I pretty much knew it wasn't going to last with the first person I slept with. But it's not like I'm shopping around or anything. I can count the number of partners I've had on one hand, and I've been sexually active for 7 years.

I think it has to do with your self esteem too. Some people pride themselves on being sexually attractive, and only feel good about themselves when they feel that way. Some people pride themselves on living a good life and sex is just part of that life. If your esteem of yourself lies solely on your sex appeal, that's dangerous. Sex can be addicting. And having many partners can be dangerous if you're not safe, and don't get tested. I've been tested before (and after, when they've cheated) sleeping with anyone. I've always been clean. My twin gets tested every six months, because he's not in a relationship. But he's smart; he uses condoms.

In short, I don't think sex in the west is unhealthy. America's obsession with it? A little. But sexual relationships themselves, no. Europeans are WAY more open about sex than we are. The main thing is to protect yourself. And don't buy the "I'll pull out" or the "it feels so much better this way" excuse. Because you don't want a disease because you were trying to make it better for your partner. Men, that goes for you too. don't give that excuse.

BE SAFE.

 

[zobothehobo]

Willow My Love agrees: I completely agree, and my mom was the same way. She had medical books and diagrams.

So did mine. she was a science teacher so I had science books and diagrams to learn from

 

[Ianigsy]

I was basically allowed to run around the human biology section of the Natural History Museum in London for an hour- I can't remember anybody ever actually sitting down and talking to me about sex as such.

If I could give rep on this thread I would have agreed with Zoe's first post- I think I could have been an entirely different person if somebody had talked to me about the emotional side of sexuality rather than pretending it didn't happen until I went to university and came home talking about girls.

 

[Washburne]

Why can't you give rep?

Not my place to answer. That usually don't stop me though. Perhaps got something to do with this. I can't give rep points