BB Family, I Need Your Help.

[Living Dead Boy]

First off, hi! 😀

Second, I need your help on something. I am at this point beyond confused and frustrated. I feel like I have no one else to talk to regarding this manner. So my mom recently got kicked out of her boyfriend's house. They've been together for many, many years. But this time, it seems like they've split for good. Now, she's staying with me in my place until she basically starts her life over again. Without her boyfriend, I'm the only one she has left. She's a former drug addict, and having a stable job and a place of her own is something that's she's never experienced before.

Now, I have big dreams. Two weeks before, I had talked to my friend and we decided to stop playing around and move to California to follow our musical dreams. This is something that I wanted to do my entire life, and before the end of this year, I was seriously planning on moving. But with this new situation, I'm at a crossroads. I want to help my mom as much as I can, but I don't want to postpone my life and my dreams and my goals either. She's a single mom, so once I move to California, she has no one else. But I feel like if I don't bite the bullet and follow my dreams, I'll be regretting this decision for the rest of my life. I'm so torn. I don't know how to even tell her I'm moving to California. I told her that I might be moving across town, and she started crying. So imagine saying, "hey mom, I'm moving across country, see you in a couple of years!" Yikes!

She's basically starting over, with no foundation to build upon. But I'm tired of living for other people, and I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't start actually living my life. Guys, seriously, what should I do? Should I stay? Should I go? 😕

 

[SlayerOfVampyrs]

First of all, I'm very sorry to hear about your difficult situation! That's so hard to deal with, and I'm sincerely sorry that you are one who has to be at the end of all of this.

Second of all, to cut straight to the point right off the bat, I believe you should go. You cannot live your life for others. You will end up with nothing but regrets at the end of it all. Things will be bitter and strained between you and your mother if you give up on this dream for her. I feel like she will understand this. You are her son. And you are too young to be giving up a dream for her. No child should have to relinquish a dream for their parent, and I don't believe any good parent would expect them to. Your mother must find a way to stand on her own two feet, as you cannot always be there to hold her hand. Finding her independence before you leave is absolutely essential. It is also absolutely essential that you are upfront with her. That she fully understands what is happening, and that there is no way to change your mind. It may be hard, but she will be supportive just as every mother should be.

 

[Jodast]

Hey man 🙂

This might seem a crazy idea, but you could BOTH start over in California. You are all each other has, right? She's starting over now, you'd be starting over once you moved, so why not do it as a family? Once one, other, or both of you are on your feet out there you could live seperately or live seperately but close to each other from the get go.


That's my two cents, but whatever you decide I wish you and your mom all the very best.

 

[nightshade]

I think you need to time to prepare for a big move like that, so use that time to encourage your mother to get her own place, to get herself in a position where she would be stable and able to take care of herself, even if that does mean being harsh with her and telling her that you wont be there for her, but remind her that you're only a phone call away should she need to talk to you. It might take a little longer than you hoped, but you'll be in a better position financially if you wait a bit before you move.

 

[Living Dead Boy]

Thanks so much for your advice, guys. I agree with all of you....and that's what bugs! LOL I'm currently saving up as much money as possible before moving. That's a definite fact. And the thing is, [MENTION=11853]Jodast[/MENTION], as much as I love her, I feel as if I need to do this by myself. I've been holding my family's hand up until now, and even at 21, I still feel like I haven't made a single grown up decision by myself. I really, honestly want to do this on my own. But you see my dilemma right? Ugh!

 

[Jodast]

Thanks so much for your advice, guys. I agree with all of you....and that's what bugs! LOL I'm currently saving up as much money as possible before moving. That's a definite fact. And the thing is, [MENTION=11853]Jodast[/MENTION], as much as I love her, I feel as if I need to do this by myself. I've been holding my family's hand up until now, and even at 21, I still feel like I haven't made a single grown up decision by myself. I really, honestly want to do this on my own. But you see my dilemma right? Ugh!

I see your dilemma. Given that you feel it is something that you have to do yourself, I say go for it! You are young and this is the time in your life to take risks and try to realise your dreams. As the ladies said above, be honest but make it clear you love her dearly but this is something you have to do so that you don't regret not taking a shot when you're older. Trust me, regretting the things you didn't do is worse than regretting the things you did.

Peace be upon you, brother.

 

[ItMustBeBunnies]

Wow, okay. First off, I'm so sorry that you are stuck in this situation!

Second, I just woke up. So I'm a wee bit fuzzy and my advice might not be the best, haha.

I agree with what everyone has been saying. I think you should go, you owe it to yourself to try this. I completely understand and sympathise with that feeling that you have been holding your family's hand all this time. It really sounds like you deserve to focus on yourself for a change.


What [MENTION=8885]nightshade[/MENTION] said is pretty much exactly what I was thinking. Use this time to try and help her get settled. It might mean that it will take a little bit longer for you to move, but if this is a good friend of yours, they will understand and will wait for you. But be firm with your decision that you ARE going, and are only going to be a phone call away for your mum.

Did that make sense? Ugghh, I think I need more sleep, haha.

 

[brinkster130]

Honesty, I think it would be best for both of you in the long run if you stick with your plan to move out to California.

She needs to move on with her life and living with you isn't necessarily doing that. Of course, I think you should help her as much as possible (she is your family after all) but being honest with her about your upcoming plans could be the push she needs to find a place of her own and move on with her life.

There is always going to be a reason to stay put and not move, you just gotta put your dreams first. 🙂 You should talk to her and tell her about your plans - she may be sad about the distance but I bet she'll respect you chasing your dreams.

 

[Robb Stark]

Jesus. That's rough dude. That's a situation no son should have to be in.

First off, I think you need to talk to your Mom. Really talk to her. I think you should sort of book her for a time to sit down and chat, and let her know in advance that it's going to be a serious discussion, but one you need to have. And when you do, I think you need to go into it with an open mind, aware of all your options, and be open to what she has to say. Everyone needs to feel needed, and everyone wants to know someone is listening to them. Really listening.

Secondly, I think you should go. However, I think you should make a concentrated effort to really stay in touch with your Mom. I moved down to Arizona, a 1000 miles away from Vancouver, to go to ASU, but the real reason I did it was to escape, and that was a mistake. Keeping in constant touch with my family has been a very, very good decision for me, and it hasn't lessened my experiences here in anyway. I think you should tell your Mom when you speak to her that you'll still talk frequently, that you can Skype as often as needed, and that if she needs you, you're on a plane home to help her out. In this day and age, people only disappear if they want to. You can very much stay in touch with your Mom, and make occasional trips home to see her.

But overall, I think you should go. I know that feeling. That feeling of being stuck in place with your wheels spinning. Of feeling like you're just...stagnating. I hate that. God I hate that.

But remember this man. You don't have to close one door to open another.

 

[ItMustBeBunnies]

Living Dead Boy agrees: It made perfect, half-sleepy, fuzzy sense 🙂

[MENTION=11693]Living Dead Boy[/MENTION] - Haha! Awww, I'm sorry, I'm just not very helpful today. Everyone else put it so much more eloquently than I did! hehe.

In a nut shell though, basically I'm saying your a good guy, and I think of you as a friend. And all I want for my friends is for them to be happy. So I say follow your dreams and good luck to you! 🙂

 

[itssmiletime]

I'm really horrible when it comes to advice (really, really horrible), as well as, I feel as what I think has already been stated but as a friend, I just wanted to wish you luck with your situation, and you have my sympathies for your situation and best wishes for your dreams 🙂

 

[Black Eye Guy]

That is a tough situation, but I agree with everything said so far.

I'd tell her as soon as possible, she may be mad/upset, but she's stuck living with you at the moment, so can't stay that mad, and by living with you she'll be forced to get over it which would be better than telling her later and moving away while angry.

It will also give her time to prepare so you'll know she's ok and set up, so hopefully there will be no guilty feelings on your side (which there shouldn't be). If she doesn't, you'll at least know that you gave her the opportunity to get set up, and you can't be responsible for her, as that isn't fair on you!

 

[Blaze]

I did a similar thing when I was 18 and I moved a few hours away from home. Now far enough that I can`t visit, but I still only see my family 3x during the school year. So I definitely think this is something you should do for yourself. So far, my experience from moving away from home has been great and I`ve learnt so much about myself. I won`t lie I do have some regrets about leaving, and everything hasn`t been perfect, but overall it`s something I needed to do for me.

Now, my situation was a bit different, because although my mom was a single mother, she had a job and a place to live. I would say the important thing in this situation is to get your mom settled in, make sure she is on her feet before you leave. It may take a few extra months at worst, but you only have one mother, and although you should fallow your dreams, you are her only support system at this point. Help her find a stable job, and find her a place to live (unless she can stay where ever you are staying now). It would probably be a good idea to also tell her right away that you`re planning to leave in xx months and then try to get your mom to get out more. Maybe go to events and try to make some new friends. It will be easier for her if she finds activities that she enjoys. I know in my town they have organised events to go play cards, and it`s more of a thing to just socialize. I think as long as she finds something that she likes doing and has a job, she won`t even have the time to think that you`re gone, she just needs to keep busy!

 

[kittenpoker]

Hey Marshall! I feel for you! I really do. Here are my thoughts. (you be the judge on whatever they're worth)

- keep on with your plans to move to CA. This is, after all YOUR life!!!! And it doesn't make you selfish or "bad" to want to live it your way! That's what we're here for, I feel. To find and follow our own path.

- check out al-anon. The people in those rooms have the answers on how to untangle codependent relationships. Listen to what they say!

- good luck!! Whatever u do, know that we'll always be here for you

- keep watching buffy! ;-)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[This Year's Girl]

Sounds like a difficult situation. You want to be there for your mum but in the same time you want to do something for you for a change.

It sounds like you and your mum need to have a talk. I think you need to tell her how you feel about everything. One way to start the conversation could be to show her your post and then calmly discuss things from there.

I understand that having a mum that have been an addict can make you feel guilty for having plans of your own - you don't want to do anything that will make her go down that road again. But at the end of the day, you're the kid, not the parent. You don't have to feel bad for having dreams you want to follow. But of course you can still take your mum in consideration when you plan stuff, she is your mum and it's obvious you care about her.

Hope you and your mum talk and you figure out something that feels right. Good luck. :heart:

 

[Steven123]

Sorry if I'm a bit late with the advice!

It's a really tough situation to be in, there's no hiding from that. Obviously being your mom you went to help her as much as possible, and obviously as you said, this could also be your one shot at your dream. I will say though that going from your post, there's nothing 'specific' right now for you to move to California, as in it's not as though you HAVE to be there in the next week or so (unless you do lol).

I suspect you may be looking at this in the wrong way as such. Are you looking at the situation as though, your mom is going to always need you with her now that her and her boyfriend have broke up? So you see yourself as having to stay put and help her out etc? If so then you don't have to look at it that way at all, and in a way I can kind of relate.

My sister and her boyfriend broke up about a year ago now, she's 34, has never had a job and she had to end her further education (Stylist course) to look after her 3 kids (one has autism so she wanted to stay with him as much as possible) when her and her boyfriend broke up, 2 of the kids got taking away from her, one lives with the dad (her ex) and one got took into a foster care, she's tried to kill her self 3/4 times over the last year and in general it just didn't look good. Me and my mom and dad now have one of her kids living here, and we basically had to lay down a lot to help out, but we didn't look at it in the view of, it was ALWAYS going to be this way. My sister is now going back to University and doing a Business degree.

So, from my experience with that, could your mom do anything of the such? Start maybe a part time educational course to get her back on her feet and anything to keep her mind busy? Any sort of voluntary work etc? It's something where, as much as you might not want to upset her, you need to talk to her about it, and let her know that while you will help her as much as you possibly can, you CAN'T put your dreams on hold over it, and she has to realize that you following your dream is NOT you leaving her, that you will only be a phone call away etc.

Like I said, your dream will still be here tomorrow, the next day, next week, so you don't need to worry about the chances of it happening escaping, take some time to try and get your mom back on her feet and seeing what she wants to do, education, voluntary, try and find her a job somewhere, if she can live with any other family etc. But let her know that you can only do so much to help her without throwing away your ambitions.

 

[PassionBecoming]

I think everyone pretty much summed up my thoughts already. Basically, you have two choices:

1. Move to California.
2. Movie to California and tell your mom it's ok if she wants to go, too, and start her own life there.

Either way, you gotta move to California. 🙂

 

[Gum Gnome33]

Hey there! So sorry you're going through this.

I agree that the two of you really need to talk about all of this. Where do you both want to be in a year, and how can each of you make that happen? Together? Apart? Financially, emotionally, geographically--see if you can make a plan on paper to help each other out.

It seems to me that theoretically you could pursue your dream without having to abandon your mother. That being said, you don't need to make all of your decisions regarding your future career based around her comfort, either. Maybe there is a way to balance both of your needs? I'm confident that there is.

As you probably know, pursuing a career in music is not a linear path; hard work, networking, and lots of luck (being in the right place at the right time) all play important roles in landing the right gigs. You've clearly figured out that you need to be in a place that can give you the right connections for your particular genre, so that's a big step. But I think that the pursuit of going down the list of things that you need to do in order to achieve your dream and being there for your mom are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

It may seem like you won't be able to focus on what you need to do in order to advance your career AND look out for your mom's interests at the same time. But I think if you take it day by day, it will be manageable. Just practice. A lot. Play for people. Be heard, and be seen. When you're not working, go to the movies with your mom. Talk to her about her day.

Perhaps the two of you can live in CA, just not in the same house. I think that if you're working really hard toward getting the career you want, you won't feel smothered by your mom; I think you'll feel balanced and fulfilled, in fact. It's feeling as though she's holding you back-- feeling as though you are STUCK for a whole host of reasons--that gives the illusion that you can't move forward with her in your life to such a degree. But again, if you take it day by day and come up with some appealing, manageable solutions for the two of you, I think you can truly hit the right balance.

 

[Xin Rong]

I would say go, she's an adult and will never learn to live by herself until she has too... also it is not your responsibility to care for, she is the parent after all. I made the mistake of putting my dreams on hold to help out one of my parents, it ended badly and now there will always be a distance between us as I will always resent my parent for holding me back.

 

[Nix]

Personally from my experience (having had an emotionally unstable Mum) I would say, reassure her you love her but you have to move, and here is the deadline you want to move by so she knows where she stands. It will be hard for you both especially you as I know you want to care for her and make her all better but you can't, I'm sorry only she can do that. You must live your life and your dreams and take a chance on success. She will forgive you and understand eventually but that's her problem not yours. I know it sounds harsh but if you succumb to her needs emotionally you will never live your life and that is important. She will always need you emotionally but you have to pull away a little, still reassuring her you love her at every opportunity but you must live your life.
Sorry if it sounds a bit harsh but my experiences lead me to these thoughts on the matter. My Mum was mentally ill and very dependent, it is hard work, but you can not waste your life by waiting for her to sort out hers. You can help her along the way and give advise and look things up for her, put her on the right path. But choose to live your life as well. Sending you lots of hugs and I hope you find an answer that suits you and your needs soon. xx (again sorry if I sound too harsh)