Buffy on Oprah

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Vamp Harmony

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Disclaimer : This fan fiction has no connection with the people at Buffy or FOX or UPN or any of those other people that own it. All the characters are created by Joss Whedon. And I take no credit for any of them. Please don't sue me. I made up this particular story. Please do not post it any where else, or use it on your site without my permission and/or without my name on it. 🙂

Title: Buffy on Oprah and Spike on Oprah
author: Vamp Harmony
Category: Parody/Spoof
Rated: PG ( mild language and a bit of violence)
Characters: The Scoobies, Oprah, and a few others thrown into the mix
Summary: Members of the Scoobies make guest appearances on Oprah. All wackiness ensues.

Buffy on Oprah

(a spoof) (pt. 1)

Oprah:" Today we have the Slayer, and the men who love her: Angel, Xander Harris, Riley Finn, and Spike
Buffy:" Ok I understand why everyone else is here. But why are you here Spike?"
Spike:" * cough* I don't know"¦ I never liked you"¦and"¦and you have stupid hair!"
Everyone: " Huh?"
Angel: I loved her before any of you did!
Riley:" I was there when she needed me where were you? Of feeding on someone I'd bet."
Angel:" Back off or I'll be feeding on someone all right"¦"
Xander:" Hey! I've always been there for her. Even when she didn't love me back the way I wanted her to. Unlike you two who just ran off! And why is Spike Here?"
Buffy:" Xander I "¦Angel"¦Riley? And again why is Spike here?" *Looks hopelessly at them all*
Oprah:" Spike, do love Buffy?"
Spike: "No! Never"¦maybe"¦*mumbles* yes."
Oprah:" And did you ever try to tell her how you felt?"
Spike:" Yes, once. And"¦.and..*starts to cry* she said I was beneath her!"
*Buffy looks very confused* Buffy:" I thought you wanted to kill me"¦"
*Spikes cries even more* Spike:" I was pouring my heart out to her. Not in so many words, but"¦"
*Oprah puts her arm around Spike's shoulder* Oprah to Buffy: " How could you?"
Buffy:"I..I"¦I"¦"
Oprah: " We have to go to break now. Up next: Buffy, and how she pushes those she loves away.
Buffy on Oprah (a spoof) (pt. 2)
*Buffy is sitting in a chair away from all the guys. The guys are seated from the left Angel, Riley, Xander, Spike*
Oprah:" We're back. Today's special guests: Buffy Summers, Angel, Xander Harris, Riley Finn and Spike.
Now we are going to find out just why Buffy pushes those she loves away."
Buffy:" I do not!"
Riley:" Ha!"
*Buffy glares at him*
Angel: " Well I don't know about you guys, but she let me in."
Spike: " Oh come on mate, you suffocated her. I gave her the room to be herself."
Buffy: " I don't push people away! I let you all in! Well except for Spike. But I've been so worried about my mom lately, it's hard to let anyone in."
Oprah: " So when Buffy needed you. You were all there for her?"
Riley: " I was. I was there for her one hundred percent"
Spike to Riley: *rolls eyes*" Give me a break! Where were you when her mom was sickly like? I was the only one comforting her! You were probable off donating some blood to vampires."
Angel to Riley: " You let vampires bite you? I can't believe Buffy went out with you. I knew I didn't like you!"
Riley: " I wanted to know why she was attracted to you two."
Spike: " Wait a second. She's attracted to me? *Gets a cocky grin* well well"¦"
*Buffy puts her hands over her face* Buffy: " I can't believe we're actually on this show"
Xander: " Buffy are you ok? Is Dead Boy bothering you?"
Spike:" Yeah or Captain Cardboard getting on your nerves?"
Xander: "Riley, Captain Cardboard? Nice one!"
Spike: *Laughs* " Dead Boy? For Angel? I love it!"
*Xander and Spike give each other high fives. Then realize what they just did and give disgusted looks to each other*
*Person from the audience stands up* Person: " Oprah I have a question for Spike."
Oprah: " Yes?"
Person: " Spike, how long have you loved Buffy?"
Spike: " Ever since Willow cast a spell that made us fall in love with each other. Only the effects didn't seem to where off after it was reversed for me. *Smiles at Buffy*
*Another Person raises hand* Oprah: " You have a question?"
Person: " Yes. Spike, how does the chip in your head work exactly?"
Spike: " I can't hurt anything human. It's not an evil or good thing. You see, * gets u walks over and hits Angel in the nose* I can hurt other demons, and such but if I try to hurt a human"¦* Walks over and bites Oprah, she falls to the ground dead* AHHHHHHHH!!!!"¦Wait a second, that didn't hurt. * Everyone is shocked and confused*
Buffy: " I knew it! I always knew she wasn't quiet human."
 
Spike on Oprah

Spike on Oprah

Oprah: "Please welcome back to the show Spike, formerly known as William the Bloody, and Buffy Summers. Also with us today are Druscilla and Harmony.
Today's topic: Spike and the women he loves.
Spike, would you like to start us off?"
Spike: " Sure, just cause I'm a vampire doesn't mean I don't have feelings too! I can love just as well as the next bloke. But Buffy here doesn't believe me. Look at Dru, I loved her for over a hundred years!"
Druscilla: "He's right, vampires can love. I loved him. And he went and tried to stake me"¦naughty wicked Spike." *Dru growls lowly at Spike*
Oprah: " What about Harmony? Did you love her?"
Harmony: " Yeah! What about Harmony, Spike!? I gave you the best"¦bunch of months of my life! What went wrong, Blondie Bear?
*Spike rolls his eyes*
Spike: " Harm, it was fun while it lasted but its time to move on now."
Oprah: " So were you just using Harmony?"
Buffy: " You sound surprised. He's a heartless demon, what did you expect?"
Spike: " Bloody hell! I am not!"
Oprah: " Spike have you tried to show Buffy your true feelings?"
Spike: " Yes, but she pushed me away. But I'm still determined to win her heart. I'll save the whole bloody world if I have to!"
Druscilla: " My poor William, you are so lost. The stars cry but you do not see them. They weep so"¦can't you hear?"
*Buffy throws her hands up in frustration*
Buffy: " Spike, you will never win me. I will never be with you. You disgust me. Understand!"
*Spike gets a look of deep hurt then gets angry, gets up and throws his chair across the room*
*Oprah grabs his arm*
Oprah: " Calm down. You just need to get to know yourself, and everything will be fine!"
*Spike vamps out*
Spike: " Are you bloody insane!? And didn't I kill you once already?"
Buffy: " Um"¦yeah I kind of remember that too...why isn't she dead?"
*Everyone is confused except for Druscilla who is rambling insanely*
Oprah: " I guess there's no more concealing it"¦"
*Oprah turns around and when she turns back her face is demonic and monstrous *
"I'm a vengeance demon"
*Spin around to the camera guys, whose mouths are hanging open*
Camera Guy #1: " Cut to commercial?"
Camera Guy #2: " That would probably be a good idea."
*The screen goes black*

Spike on Oprah pt 2

Oprah: " Were back, and today's new topic: getting to know my inner demon"¦literally."
Spike: " How come we are just now remembering everything that happened? People I kill usually stay dead."
Oprah: " D'hoffryn brought me back from the dead. He allowed me to go back and distort all your memories so my real identity would remain a secret. But I obviously didn't do that great a job of it."
*Anya stands up in the audience*
Anya: " He did what!? He didn't allow me to return to being a demon! You always were his favorite."
Oprah: " Anyanka, it's been awhile. We really should do lunch sometime."
Anya: " Don't give me that Oprahunka! You always did have a problem with changing the subject."
Harmony: " Did you just call her Oprahunka? Anybody else finding this wicked weird?"
*Buffy is still very shocked by all this* Buffy: " Oh yeah."
Dru: " The King of cups "“"
*Spike cuts her off*
Spike: " Not now Dru, things are getting interesting."
Oprahunka: " Yes, Oprahunka is my true name. But my producers said that if I used it, it would kill my ratings."
Buffy: " Anya, you knew about this?! Why didn't you tell me that Oprah was a demon!?"
Anya: " Oh please, like you didn't know! How can you watch her show and not think "˜demon!' "
Buffy: " good point."
Harmony: " Ok, I'm really getting confused. Oprah is a vengeance demon. Anya was a vengeance demon.
But"¦what is a vengeance demon?"
Anya: " A vengeance demon grants one wish to a female, who's man has been unfaithful."
Dru: " Naughty boys must be punished. But the stars want to play a game! They are singing, and want to be heard. Can you hear them?"
*a smile slowly creeps across Buffy's face.*
Buffy: " Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?"
*Harmony grins and nods*
Buffy: " group huddle!"
*Buffy, Dru, Harmony, and Anya all get in a huddle. They start whispering and giggling. Occasionally glancing at Spike. Spike gulps. After a few minutes the girls look up.*
Harmony: " Oprah, we have a wish!"
*Buffy laughs* Buffy: " Oh, we sure do!"
*Druscilla grins evilly*
*Anya nods enthusiastically*
*cut to a scene of small room with no windows, and one door. Spike is tied to a chair facing a large TV. On the TV appears Oprah.*
TV Oprah: " Welcome back to our 48 hour Oprah marathon! Where we will be showing you the best episodes of Oprah ever!"
Spike: "NOOOO!!! Let me out of here! Please, I'll be good! I promise! Just let me out! You can't do this! It's too cruel! OH Bloody hell!"
 
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