B/A Thingy
A rant, a squee, and an essay walked into a bar and produced this meta-cle miracle.
I love B/A because Angel falls in empathy with Buffy at first sight. Which is easy, because a Slayer getting Called is like Angel getting a soul because they both are 1. the only ones, 2. suddenly made aware of realities they'd rather not face, 3. given to feel a certain obligation.
It's a "hey, you're not the only one with problems, suck it up and try to fix it" kind of thing. But also, Buffy is the first human with whom Angel can identify in over two centuries. It's that connection, when he has held himself so separate from all that's granted humans, which allows him to think he can help humans, allows him to hope.
Now, Angel may have been able to identify with any Slayer being Called, but Buffy is unique among Slayers. Her heroism, her fight for right, her love of friends and family, her complete inability to give up even when she wants to--being a Slayer brings that out in her, but that's not inherent Slayer stuff (look at Faith). That's Buffy. Angel ****ing loves that about Buffy. He wants to be just like her (which lynnenne says beautifully in Vicarious. Fantastic B/A fic, even though it's A/S).
Also, while the girl/Slayer conflict is appealing to Angel because he can identify with it, the "normal girl" Buffy wants to be is unique to Buffy, not being a Slayer--even the nature of that conflict and how she deals with it is Buffy herself, not her role. He likes that she puns her enemies--her sense of humor. He likes that she slays in mini-skirts--her independence, unwillingness to simply conform to her situation (and her fashion sense. And her hot little body). He likes the way she'll dwell on not getting to go shopping when she's in danger of apocalypse every other day. He likes that she'll tell him so, that she'll be vulnerable to him, and that he feels like he can actually be there for her.
It's that that draws her to him in return. Yes, their roles as Slayer and vampire with a soul are suited to each other: Angel is the only one who is 1. intimately acquainted with the world she lives in, 2. not worrisomely mortal, and 3. not trying to kill her. That makes Buffy feel safe and comfortable with him in a way she can't with any other person (see "Never Kill A Boy On A First Date", BtVS 1x05). But it's also Angel's personality that makes Buffy feel safe and comfortable. He listens. He offers his insights. He doesn't push her to agree with those insights. He doesn't push her to do anything. He doesn't stand in her way unless her decisions directly affect him. He lets her take charge, and she likes that.
Buffy likes his humor. She likes that he can help her with history and French. She likes that she feels like she could wait forever to have sex with him and he'd be just fine with that (as long as there was lots of making out). I love B/A because Buffy thinks that she can have something normal with Angel, precisely because Angel is the most not normal thing out there, and that's just twisted.
I love B/A because Angel thinks what he can have something normal with Buffy as well, and that's just ****ing naive. Oh, he knows it's not a fairytale. He tells Buffy so, and she knows it's not as well ("Reptile Boy", BtVS 2x05). I used to wonder at "fairytale" girls-- young women have had to have heard and read and seen enough these days to know that "love" isn't always happy and safe and forever. And then I fell in love. And I don't know about y'all, but for me, it didn't matter what I knew. I knew I was being stupid and careless and hopelessly optimistic and naive. But I was ready to be all of that, and risk my heart, on the idea that this love actually was the fairytale.
Oh, please. Six months later it's over and I am never talking about it on my lj again. But it's happened to the best of us, that this is it feeling, and I daresay it happened for most of us. It's predictable, common, and cliche. What's tritest about it is you think it's unique; you think you're the only one who's felt that way, the only one for whom it will all work out, and at the same time, you know every other person falling in love for the first time has felt that way as well. Buffy and Angel knew it wasn't a fairytale, but they couldn't help feeling that way anyway. "I love you. I try not to, but I can't stop." ("Innocence", BtVS 2x14). I love B/A because it's exactly what you feel when you fall in love.
I also love B/A because it's cheesy. Come on, the Claddagh rings? I don't care if it's an old Irish tradition or whatever, he slipped that ring on her finger and I kept thinking: are you in high school? And I love that. I love that he keeps movies he went to with her's ticket stubs (so stolen from kita0610's My Angel), and that she wears his jacket sometimes just to smell him. They are a dead, several centuries old murderer and a cheerleader turned world savior, and they behave like those teenagers from highschool who wore bracelets they'd made for each other and wouldn't stop snogging in the practice rooms.
You're saying, hey wait. This is just why I don't love B/A. Cheesy and trite may be your cuppa but it ain't mine, honey, and I want me my angst love. Obviously, I haven't gotten to the part where he goes evil and her heart breaks and he'll probably never be able to forgive himself for making love to the woman he loves and she kills him. Because yeah, that part. The part where she shoves a sword in his chest.
A lot of people say B/A is "fairytale" and Romeo and Juliet. Okay, for one thing, those two terms are mutuall exclusive. Fairytales end happy and Romeo and Juliet is a tragedy. Anyway, I assume most of the time when people say Romeo and Juliet they don't necessarily mean the actual story or the play, but more the idea of "dramatic tragic doomed romance"--you know, lovers who can't live without each other, lovers who would do anything to be together.
Lovers who can't live without each other. *Points to the part where Buffy lives after she kills Angel and the part where Angel goes on existing after Buffy dies.*
Lovers who would do anything to be together. Dude. Sword.-->Angel's (very yummy) chest. Remember?
Truth is, Buffy cared more about saving the world than she did Angel (*collective gasp*). Okay, you could burst my bubble and claim, Well, if she didn't save the world, she couldn't be with Angel anyway, so it was more of a Catch-22 than Buffy stating very firmly (with a sword!) that Angel was not the be-all and end-all of her existence. True. But I'm telling you right now, Buffy wasn't very sensibly reasoning out the fact that she was screwed either way. All she was thinking was, "I have to do this. I have to do this. Nothing else matters--not even Angel. I have to do this." And even before she knew he was going to end the world with Acathla, Buffy had decided to kill Angelus, and I personally believe she would've done it. Her friends and family's safety was more important than the chance that she could get Angel back.
When people talk about B/A as "just a first love", I assume the dismissiveness comes from that naivete that comes with first love (or, for some people, love as it always is at its inception; I have a nasty premonition it'll always be that way for me) I described earlier. Yeah. That part with the sword? It's not a "risk it all for love" moment, not a "I try not to love you but I can't help it" moment, not a "I'm young, naive and stupid and yet I think my love will overcome all obstacles" moment. It's a "I love you but love ain't gonna overcome this. Go to hell. Bye!" moment. It's the moment at which the fairytale ends and Juliet would've crapped her pants. It's the moment at which, if B/A was "just a first love", their love fails. It fails, but it continues afterwards, which makes it not "just a first love". Take the first three words off that quote and you have it. It's love.
I love B/A for that. I love B/A because both of them would rather do what they percieve as the "right" thing than be together. It doesn't mean they love each other any less, but it does mean they're a lot more mature about it than fairytales and that Juliet chick. I'd say Buffy's love for Angel grows beyond that when she kills him. And Angel's love grows beyond that when he realizes he has to leave her.
Angel leaves, in the end, because he got his own show "for her own good." That's a sticky issue, and why some people might disagree with me when I say Angel doesn't push her or stand in her way and lets her take charge. He takes a decision that she thinks should have been both of theirs and makes it his, because he sees himself as the more responsible, knowledgeable one, which in a way is insulting to Buffy. But let me say three things: 1. he was right. 2. she eventually figured out he was right, and 3. I personally wish someone in my life had acted his age, like the more mature, more experienced person in the relationship, and left me so decisively I couldn't argue it. It would've broken my heart, but things would've worked better in the end.
Imo, he left her for a number of reasons (I love me my lists). 1. The curse. Buffy claimed it didn't matter to her that she couldn't make love to Angel. Now, she might've been right, but she had very little sexual experience, a woman's "sexual peak" is supposed to be age 35 (according to . . . don't know where I found that out), and seasons 4-6 show Buffy exploring various aspects of her sexuality. I have difficulty believing she actually knew what she was giving up. Angel knew, and he wanted to give her the chance to do the exploration she took so much advantage of after he left.
2. He wanted her to have happy, normal life. Doesn't sound like the brightest thing ever, as Buffy is a. slated to die soon, and b. not ever going to have a normal life, because hello, monks giving her fake sisters and stuff. Also, if Buffy loves Angel so damn much, how can she possibly be happy without him?
Because you can get over love. Angel knows that. He knows you might not ever stop loving someone, but he knows it's possible to tuck that love away and go on with your life. And that's what Buffy does. She was loved Riley, and I'd say she was more often happy than she was with Angel. Does that mean she stopped loving Angel? No, I don't think so. Does that mean that if Angel found a way for them to be together, she wouldn't drop Riley and come running? Hell yeah it does.
First off, Angel wouldn't want her to. As much as he wanted her, he wanted her to have a normal life more. He loved her that much and that unselfishly. Second, if Angel did want her in those circumstances, Buffy'd flip her shit. No way she'd stand for him leaving her then wanting her back once she was happy with someone else. However, if her love for Angel were Romeo and Juliet, fairytale, or 'just a first love' I maintain that if Angel said he did want her (which, again, he wouldn't) she'd pull a "I try not to love you but can't stop", ditch Riley, have a torrid affair with Angel, and break up with him in six months because loves like that just don't last. Buffy's more mature than that; Angel's more mature than that; Buffy's love for Angel is more mature than that.
But she does still love Angel. In "Forever" (BtVS 5x17), he tells her he'll stay as long as she wants, and she says "How's forever? Does forever work for you?" Although she knows Angel won't stay, the desire in her question is sincere. She continues loving him right up through the end; if he was just an ex, she wouldn't see him in S6; if she no longer cared, she wouldn't kiss him or tell him she sometimes dreams of being with him in "Chosen" (BtVS 7x22). I'm not sure how anyone could claim she didn't still love him except to say she's not with him. But what I'm saying is it's not about loving Angel "enough" to want to run off with him, or even be with him. It's about loving Angel in a way that's grown up and real, in a way that's grown-up and real enough to allow them to be happy with other people and do the right thing even if it hurts the other or means they can't be together. It's about loving Angel in a way that isn't going to go away no matter who else she loves or what else she does, because it is grown up and real--enough so to sustain any change, any situation or separation. (Now go read a2zmom's fic Fairytale of New York. Which is actually the last in a trilogy, beginning with Guilt Trembling Spoke My Doom.)
3. He age. Both one and two deal with the idea of Buffy getting a chance to develop and consider her options, and I'm using this idea as an umbrella for all of that and more. The general idea in Angel's mind, imo, is that she's cookie dough (and, like many of us, I hate that analogy). He thinks she doesn't know what she wants yet. He steps back so he can give her choices and chances. If she finds happiness, good for her. If she doesn't, he's going to step right up one day, and be there.
As dismal as most of us agree the scene is, he's there in "Chosen," and there is the suggestion that Angel thinks they have a chance at being together. The real reason for this? a. to make B/A fans happy. b. so Buffy can say "no," thus highlighting a theme, the climax of which is Buffy in that last shot: independent and moving on. Still. While Angel's line: "I'm not getting any older" suggests that she can have all the time in the world, the line also suggests that if she wants him (in a romantic sense) she can come and get him.
Many of the same things are true in "The Girl In Question" (AtS 5x20)--right down to Angel's (and Spike's) desires being twisted to make a dramatic (poorly managed) point. But anyway, the suggestion there is still Angel wants her, has always wanted her, and thinks they may still have a chance some day.
Hopefully all that gets the point across that he never stopped loving her, either. She was doing all this growing and changing, but he was always there for her, and always loving her, and a part of him still had . . . perhaps not even hope, but a kind of awareness--of her, of possibilities with her.
4. He was doing that "tucking his love inside himself" thing . . . and moving on. Angel needed to grow just as much as Buffy, and whether he knew it or not, that's a big reason he left.
It's interesting to note that the first time Angel seems to say he's available to her (in the romantic sense; it's in "Chosen," see above) is directly after "Home", (AtS 4x22) in which Angel gives up Connor so that Connor can have a happy, normal life--which, we'll all note, in some ways parallels the reasons Angel left Buffy. What's also interesting is I think that Connor was Angel's taste of a happy, normal life as well. Connor doesn't physically make Angel human, but his existence is more of a guarantee of Angel's humanity than Angel's beating heart would be: Connor is Angel's true love.
Angel achieving a normal life for Connor is in some ways achieving humanity for Connor, a humanity Angel wanted for himself. And giving that to Connor, Angel achieves for Connor that happy, normal life. No, Angel doesn't feel as though he's been forgiven or is redeemed. And of course he hates the fact that his son's life has been so ****ed up he had to had to have his memories wiped to be happy--to be happy without his real dad. But after that moment, which in so many ways is a parallel to Angel's promised reward and sanshu--Connor as Angel's humanity--Angel goes to Buffy. I just find the timing interesting. Maybe he got to a point in his own growth when he thought he could handle true love of a different kind honestly, fairly, and with the self-sacrifice Angel (and I) think love requires.
A very good wait to shut me down right now would be to say, but dude, a couple in a relationship should be able to grow together, to cause growth in each other--what's up with Buffy and Angel feeling the need to leave each other in order to do it? So let me clarify: I'm not arguing that B/A had the perfect love or were the perfect couple . . . and I'm especially not arguing they had the perfect love or were the perfect couple during either series. It was good for them that Angel left. And Buffy may've been ready for him in "Forever", but I don't think Angel was ready for her again. Vice versa for "Chosen." And you know, if they keep thinking they need to be ready (ok, ok, "baked") all they're going to end up doing is circling each other, hopelessly loving each other, always allowing for the possibility, the hope, but never quite seizing it.
But what I love about B/A is just that: they will always love each other and the hope is still always there. The way they love each other in later seasons is in no way, shape, or form anything childish, fairytale, or doomed to burn out. It just is, as simple and incontrovertible as the way a father loves a son. It's there no matter how much time passes, no matter what the other one does--even if one dies. In your most desperate hours you can call on it and it will be there for you, and if both are willing, it can spring back to life just as headlong and sexy and passionate and this is it as it's ever been before. Because the heart of it is just there, and it's a part of Angel and Buffy as much as Connor and Dawn are a part of them, too. I love the reassurance in that, and the promise, and the hope.
I love B/A because one day, Buffy will be sixty-five; her husband (whoever he was) died a year ago, and the light of her life are her grand-children. And she'll knock on Angel's door then, and maybe he'll be human and have had a go at life too, or maybe not . . . maybe his face will be as narrow and his hips as slim as that first day she knocked him down in an alley, when he was such a cocky sunuvabitch. And Angel will open the door and Buffy will kiss him--and it won't be the same. She'll have a grandma grip on him, and though her joints are still supple because she'll always be slaying, there'll be streaks of silver in her hair under all that blonde dye. And whether he looks fifty or the same old twenty-six, there'll be age in his eyes, friends he loved that she didn't know, battles he keeps losing but still keeps fighting.
But she'll still take him by the hand, and they'll still go have wild monkey sex. Or maybe they'll make tender love . . . all over the kitchen table. Or they've been apart for ten years, but I'm sure they're just down there just having tea and crackers. Angel will ask about her husband and maybe Buffy will cry a little. Then she'll smile and talk about Dawn and Xander and Willow. And she'll ask about him, and Angel's face will light up as he tells her about Connor, about his granddaughter. And Angel will eventually say, "I'm happy, Buffy. I was happy before . . . but I'm also happy you came."
And Buffy will say, "I was happy, too. But I'd also be happy to stay."
And Angel will say, "Forever? Is forever alright with you?"
And Buffy will say yes.
