Bullies!

[itsxpaperdoll]

Well, here's a rather heavy subject so early in the morning (or late in the evening, depending on your location) but it is something that is worth discussing.

Have any of you been (or are any of you) victims of bullying? Or are you a bully yourself? What is the best way to deal with it, do you think? Is there a difference between primary school style bullying and bullying at work? Is there an excuse for people who do it, or for people just witnessing it happen without doing anything? Or do you have any funny/sad/impressing stories to share regarding this subject? Talk!

Me myself, I have no respect for bullies whatsoever. Obviously, occasionally making fun of someone shouls be okay. I do it myself, sometimes. But actual bullying is in my opinion among the worst things people can do without using violence or something like that. It can systhematically ruin someones life. And I have experience with that. I was the victim of bullies during practically my whole primary school time, so from my 6th till my 12th. It got less over time, though, which in the last couple of years basically meant that no-one talked to me, or invited me to birthday parties or wanted to sit next to me, apart from like one or two friends. But in the first year (I think) even my only friend only talked to me outside school, because she was afraid they (the girls who did it) were going to pick on her too (I mean, I guess that was the reason, but I'm obviously not sure. As far as I remember she never said something like that, and all I know is that at school, she didn;t talk or play with me).
In hindsight, I can see how much damage it has done. I'm extremely paranoid when it comes to people. I can't make like, first contact, and when people (no matter how much I like or dislike them) leave me, the first thing I think is that they leave because of me, because I'm an unimportant, stupid, strange person with a weird face, stupid clothes and an annoying voice. I find it extremely difficult to believe that people like me because they like me. When people are nice to me, I sort of assume that they are just being polite, or that they are nice to me because they don't have another option (say we live together, or we have to work on a project together or something like that). After two years, I still can't believe my best friend likes me. Honestly, sometimes I even find it difficult to believe that my family loves me. Lately, I've discovered that this extends even to here. When people don't reply in a thread I started, or to a post I made, I tend to think that people go, 'oh, paperdoll started this thread, its probably not worth reading' or, 'oh, paperdoll is the last one who replied, that can't be interesting.'

Because I can't remember me before the bullying, I don't know how much of this is me, and how much of it is sort of trauma, but according to my mum, I really changed after that. My psych (who looked like Albert Einstein, btw) also agreed with me that it is due to the bullying that my self esteem is far beneath non existant. And I can't seem to get over it. They say that recognising you have a problem is the first step, but I've been recognising my problem for at least 3 years, I've had counselling, and I'm still stuck at this first step and honestly, knowing you have a problem but not being able to do something about it is probably worse than just feeling miserable. Now I am certain that I will never succeed in life, never get a boyfriend, never die old and happy, because of something that's wrong with me (because, no matter who or what made me this way, it's me now. Part of my personaily and all) And therefore, I want to kill every single girl who did this to me (figuratively speaking.. maybe.)

But, anyway, enough about me, what about you? Discuss!

 

[atticus]

Well done for being so honest. Bullying is probably the most damaging thing that can happen to someone, especially at a young age. I was bullied very badly when i was in school. and it left it's scars. Like you, i had very little confidence, and did not trust easily, if at all. All i can say really, is that as you get older, your views of yourself will improve. Back then i hated that person, but looking back i am very proud of him. He took a lot of insults, and lived through a lot of horrible things, and came out the other end stronger. Things i seen as weaknesses back then, i see as my greatest strengths now. I am content and happy in myself now, and if someone does not like me, truly, i could care less, i like me. I hope you get to a point, where you can tell yourself, that you are, who you are, and there is nothing wrong with that. Bullies have ugly hearts, and that's the worst description i can give to them. They may seem to have it all, looks, and popularity. But inside they are rotten to the core. They put people down, to make themselves feel better. It's weak and pathetic. You are better than that. I hope you can see yourself, and be happy, and think of those bullies, and how far above them you really are.

 

[Edmund Blackadder]

I didn't read the entire post. Its too late for that.

I will however tell you my story of being bullied.

When I was 11, I was considered intelligent (I know, what happened?!?!) and was bullied for that reason.
This caused me to eat away the pain, which meant eating my body weight in sugared goods - who am I kidding, it meant eating three times my body weight in sugared goods.
I piled on the weight big time over the course of 6 months which made the kids bully me even more.

When I was 12, the bullying turned violent and for the best part of 3 years I would be beaten, verbally abused, mocked and attacked.
I had no friends to get back up from and I had no one I trusted to go to for help (I had parental issues - still do).

When I was 15, the 'cock of the school' in the dinner hall took my school lunch and threw it all over the floor and laughed in my face.

This was the step too far (I liked dinner - fatty remember). I took the guy and beat the holy bejesus out of him.
I did it infront of the entire school.

From then on, I was 'the cock of the school' which was a title I hated because people would try to hang out with me for protection and by this point I just wanted to be left alone.

Anyway, this had another effect on me. When I started College at 17, I tried to be friends with everyone because I had never had the friendship thing.

This backfired too, with me having very few friends by the end of my course.

Anyway, several years later I had a good group of friends and life was good, and the guy who had spent 4 years bullying me, I bumped into on the street.
He was homeless and addicted to drugs so I used some connections and got him a place in a rehab house.

The moral of my story, You are a product of everything that happens to you, it is up to you how you deal with it and who you become.

 

[Silum]

I too have my own story to tell but ill save that when im not half asleep at 3am... but btw, EB, thanks for sharing, that was a very emotional read.

I think everyone has their story on this subject, even those considered 'popular'.

 

[Edmund Blackadder]

I too have my own story to tell but ill save that when im not half asleep at 3am... but btw, EB, thanks for sharing, that was a very emotional read.

I think everyone has their story on this subject, even those considered 'popular'.

I have come to understand I have sympathy for bullies.
What they do is terrible BUT in most cases they are doing it because of their own pressures and failures.

I think Buffy has the best example in 'Out of mind, out of sight'.
Say what you want about Cordelia, what she does to Willow is bullying but that comes from a place of loneliness.

 

[atticus]

I have come to understand I have sympathy for bullies.
What they do is terrible BUT in most cases they are doing it because of their own pressures and failures.

I think Buffy has the best example in 'Out of mind, out of sight'.
Say what you want about Cordelia, what she does to Willow is bullying but that comes from a place of loneliness.

Agreed, my earlier post may have sounded harsh. But that is aimed at them, during the time they are doing the bullying. When they go home, i think they are very different people. I truly believe people can change, take a look at who they once were, and try to improve themselves. And how they treat others. I am friends now, with people, who openly admit, they were very bad bullies. I never thought i could be friends with them, and have heard their stories. But i see how they want to redeem themselves. And the regret they feel. Everyone has their own problems, and insecurities, some lash out at others, some keep them on the inside.

 

[Relic]

opposite story from Ed for me, i was bullied as a lack jawed nit witt. I was big when I was young, and gentle too, so one fella always bullied me to make a name for himself. I ate crow for awhile, but one day I snapped, punched him in the face a couple of times, wrestled him to the ground, and put him in our school's dumpster.

Then we bacame friends.

Sometimes you have to show some teeth to get them off your back, if that is, your teeth are scary enough. I don't floss and mine serve me fine.....if your teath are not scary, my advice is ill advised, you might end up loosing some!

Fighting should be a last resort, but don't count it out as an option. Sometimes it's the only language folks hear.

 

[Revolver]

I can promise you no one is ignoring threads because you started them. Don't let cruel people have that much influence on you. Your boarders are always behind you.

 

[Big Damn Hero]

This is an interesting topic that is fairly hard for me to talk about, but here goes.

I was bullied all the way through primary school. And for the beginning of secondary school (up 'til year 9 mainly, but went on for longer than that, just not as bad.)

Around the same time, I was abused and then raped (over a period of probably about 4 years in total) by a family member. I don't know whether that led me to be shy (and also over-eating) girl which lead to the bullying, or whether it would have happened anyway - but that's besides the point, as it did happen and there's nowt I can do about it now.

Due to the above mentioned issues I started self harming at aged 14. I can't say I'm fully recovered but it's been three months since I last hurt myself and I've been "in recovery" for the better part of a year. I also got diagnosed with Bipolar Affective Disorder (Type II, for anyone that's interested!) and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Octobertime yada yada yada.

The Bipolar (aka Manic Depression) probably would have manifested anyway, but my psych (god, I sound so crazy! I'm not really) reckons that the above mentioned circumstances probably didn't help with that, and the PTSD is from mainly the rape/bullying.

Anyway, point being. I am going to be on medication for the rest of my life. Or dealing with uncontrollable bouts of depression and mania for the rest of my life.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I had a vein of thought when I started this and now can't remember it. But I'm not gonna delete this because it was hard enough to get out the first time & I'll hopefully remember my point at a later date.

 

[silentxautumn]

If elementary/junior high hadn't been such a small community for me, I would have undoubtedly been bullied because once I entered high school, that's exactly what happened.

For some reason, people could tell I was gay before I even wanted to come out with it. I occasionally had the locks stolen off my lockers during the only two years I survived of high school. Eventually, the lock thieving turned into finding my things all across the floor or squished into a top portion of my locker that wasn't necessarily safe (but then again, neither was the bottom section). It came to the point where people started writing obscenities all over the inside of my locker so it looked as if nothing was really going on. Scared, I didn't really tell anyone.
There came a point where I would get shoved while walking in the hallway and having people stare me down. The worst it got was (wow, I can't believe I'm actually saying this since I only ever told my best friend) where this guy pinned me to a wall in an empty hallway after school hours and told me that he'd show me what it was like to be with a guy and actually like it. Thankfully, it didn't progress much further, but he did continue to drag that out on the internet. Where he got my screen name, I will never know.

It became too much on me, really. I always felt as if I would be judged terribly anywhere I went. I was never a people person and these things just made me more of a reserved person. Depression and self-injury were in the mix, but the worst had yet to come. I started my Junior year of high school, and fourteen days into it, I dropped out. I kept getting feverish and sick. Eventually, it turned out to be panic disorder. I became a hermit and suffered from the worst of it for three years.

I'll never get over the fact that I let them win. But really, what was I to do? I was helpless. It was a Catholic school and as much as it fits the stereotype, there were a lot of close-minded bigots there. And who knows? Maybe all of this had made me see life in a way I would have never looked at it if such things had never happened.

/rant

 

[Faith]

silentx - That is awful, you should never have had to go through that, no one should! People really can be so mean either having reasons behind it (their own home life etc - which does not excuse it in any way) and even worse just for fun.

EB - What you did for your bully really is a show of your character - if I say 'good for you!' don't take it in the cheesy meaning way because I do really mean it!

I was never bullied physically, but more mentally in high school. All because I am epileptic and would start my fits by going into trance like states then passing out. I would look for something to comfort me which was my cat Bob, of course I was totally out of it just going 'Bob, Bob' so I got Bobcat, space cadet and numerous other things shouted at me. The whispers and the rumors were worse, ranging from 'she's on drugs, she's pregnant oh and she wants to kill herself (I had a fit in a swimming pull and during one weird trancelike state I tried to climb out a second story window...I think I thought it was a door!) and lets not forget the staring and making me feel like I was a freak. I got lucky in that I had a good group of friends that stuck with me and would bite back and people saying and doing these things to me, so I learned then who my friends were and not to care what anyone else thought. It didn't come easy but I get there and part of me is glad I went through it because it did make me stronger and who I am today.

 

[atticus]

God, i was actually feeling some guilt, over my "rotten to the core" comment earlier. But after reading some of these stories, Maybe I was right. I like to think people can change. But i had a tough life, and i would never treat someone the way, so many of you have been treated, silentxautumn, Queen Crabbit. I can't even comprehend what you both were put through. You can blame your past, for your mistakes, to a degree, but there must be a point where you know, that you are going to far, and that no one deserves to be bullied that way. Maybe some people just like to watch others suffer. Maybe some people just like being bullies. 🙁

 

[definition of insane]

I don't think bullies really understand the consequences that their actions can cause. I'm probably gonna sound stupidly cliched and stuff but if you can find me a bully that doesn't do it for the sole purpose of making themselves seem cooler/tougher/better/etc then...I'll eat something inedible.

I remember when I was in primary school and the older kids used to shout "ching chong chinaman" at me everytime I walked past. I remembered when I changed schools and the kids kept shoving me into the maori kid that was also in our class because we had the same coloured skin. Getting called Jap all the time when I changed schools again and then getting into trouble when I told them all to f*ck off after one day when it just got out of hand (I will always hate that teacher, the one who KNEW it what was going on, and yet got up me for swearing, and trying to justify to me that because I was different I was bound to be picked on). In terms of the racial bullying, my parents were always there for me, telling me that we shouldn't be ashamed or mocked just because we're different. Smart people, my parents.

But then all that other undermining stuff...that can't just be justified. I had girls pretend to be my friend for a day just so that they mock my mannerisms. I'd get invited to parties just to be kicked out. The one guy that created my internal hell, by instigating it all just because he was top dog at our small school and I hadn't realised it when I first arrived. I will always be thankful that I had other people to relate to, who had the same problem with him, and weren't just lackeys, and that we stuck with each other and formed friendships. It wasn't until I was about 15 that I realised that the only reason this guy and his words caused me so much grief was because I let him. And the moment I realised that I shouldn't be put down by an insult from The Simpsons or any other tv show (and that he couldn't produce an original idea to save his life), I started to feel a lot better about myself. I realised that the friends that I weren't sure I had made, really were my friends and that I should have stopped being such a wimp.

I still worry though, I have my moments of incredible paranoia where I think any moment, the world is going to pull the rug out from under me and laugh at my gullibilty. But I also think that sometimes we give bullies too much credit for the effect they have on our lives. They are so powerful because we give them the power to control us with their cruelty. So I say take away their power...because without that all they are is a sad individual with issues that they need to sort out on their own.

 

[LorneyTunes]

The girl who bullied me all of my childhood stays across the street from me! Theres one incident that happened when I was at school , its not the worst but it does stand out!

She and her gang of 12 girls in my class invited me to her birthday party I begged my mother to not force me to go, she however decided that It was all in my head that Donna did not like me. I went there and they spat at me put toffee in my hair and beat me up after the party. I can still remember walking home crying, my mother however decided now that Donna had a personnel thing against me and what do most mothers say " she is just jealous " , now I realise that my mum was correct. She was green with envy that I had something she didn't a family that loved her and didn't just ignore their children. Now I feel pity for her always.


I wouldn't worry about these bullies they always get the karma biting them in the ass. Of course you never know this until you get a bit older .

 

[Big Damn Hero]

But I also think that sometimes we give bullies too much credit for the effect they have on our lives. They are so powerful because we give them the power to control us with their cruelty. So I say take away their power...because without that all they are is a sad individual with issues that they need to sort out on their own.

Quoted for truth. But then, everything's easier to look back on in hindsight. Or, it seems different. Y'all know what I mean, anyway, I think!

 

[Perny]

My family has, strangely, always been bullied. Everyone. My brother has a speech difficulty, and it causes him lots of trouble. I myself, has been bullied several times.
I was never on the "fashion", and didn't care for make-up or buying super expensive and ugly clothes. So the girls froze me out. The boys just bullied me, because they bullied my brother, and my cousin who was in the other class.

It hurts, and it has deffinately effected my courage to see knew friends. I quit high school last year because they began bullying me about my lack of friends. Adult people. Aged 17/18. Bullies because someone is different. No wonder so many people has depressions, and doesn't dare to do something new

 

[Blondie Bear]

When I started fifth grade, my classmates and the 6th graders (our school was so small that we had classes together) decided that it would be fun to find out what would happen if they treated me like a leper. It began innocuously enough--they wouldn't touch anything after I touched it, they wouldn't touch me, and if they did accidentally come into contact with something I had recently touched, they'd have to run to a friend, touch them, and yell "Quit!" so the "germs" couldn't be transferred back to them. As time went on (and the girls started their hormonal mood swings), it got worse. By the time I got to 7th grade, which was at a much bigger campus, I was absolutely certain that anyone who did anything nice was out to get me and I managed to drive away potential friends by not trusting them and having the social skills of a rock. I had locked down, refused to let myself feel anything except anger.

And then I met a guy. And he was nice to me. And he was seeing a friend of mine (I did have friends, amazingly enough; they were all at least 3 years older than me and incredibly patient with my spazzy little self). And I made a complete and utter idiot of myself over him because I didn't know how to act around guys. This continued for a few more years, with a few different guys, until I went to college and finally started to grow up.

I still often worry that my friends are saying mean things about me behind my back, that they don't really want to be my friends but just put up with my presence, that whatever I just said was completely the wrong thing, etc. I come out of almost every social interaction trying to figure out what I said wrong--because there must be something, since I'm so bad at stuff like this. I occasionally get memory flashes of high school and just cringe in embarrassment.

But overall, I have gotten over it. I never want to hang out with anybody I went to high school with (except those older friends of mine) again, and if I see any of the people I went to elementary school with I'll probably cross the street to get away from them, but I know I'm not the worthless, disgusting, white-trash bitch they used to accuse me of being. And I'm not really angry anymore.

 

[itsxpaperdoll]

I can promise you no one is ignoring threads because you started them. Don't let cruel people have that much influence on you. Your boarders are always behind you.

Of course, I KNOW that, but it's not what I feel, you know? I basically have a extremely negative self centred world view. I mean, people don't even know me here but I still assume every zingle one of you dislikes me personally. When I'm talking with someone, and they have to leave it doesn't even occur to me that they're leaving because they have an appointment somewhere else (well, it does, of course, but I can think whatever I want, it still feels like that). When I'm somewhere with loads of other people, it feels like everyone notices me and is basically waiting for me to do something stupid so they can all feel better about themslves and laugh at me.

But that's not what I wanted to say, now. Reading all your stories, I remembered what I hate most about bullying, apart from the fact that it can make someone's life a complete hell, and that is the complete randomness with which bullies pick their victims. Regardless of their personal problems, which they clearly have. I mean, I assume there were plenty of intelligent, chubby, shy, (potentially) gay kids (at my high school a girl was sort of bullied because people thought she was gay, which she wasnt. And those were 17/18 year olds! Can you imagine it?) and kids with a happy family walking around in your usuall school, so why do they pick the kids they pick? I don't understand it and it makes me angry.

 

[Blondie Bear]

^ I have that exact same thing. If I PM one of my friends here or leave a message for them and they don't get back to me really quick (and I know they're online), I start to take it ridiculously personally. And I have to remind myself that I am not the center of their world and it's ridiculous for me to feel this way, but I can't help it.

 

[Washburne]

I was never bullied in the way that someone (at least I don´t think so. One would think I´d notice) or a group of people deciding "Now it´s time to make his life hell". I had friends growing up, I enjoyed life but I still got a lot (in comparision to what?) of comments thrown my way, about how I looked, acted or mistakes I did. The older I got the more it affected me. Not being good at anything didn´t make the selfconfidence grow either and around 6th - 7th grade things changed rather quickly (in my mind). You know "if you hear something enough times you start to believe it". More comments, not so quiet whispers or subtle pointing and more ignoring (being left out) was enough to feel bad. If everyone thought I was a total nobody, ugly as hell, dorkiest of the dorks it had to be true right? Still had friends but not close ones and the group of people I spent time with got considerable smaller (ended up two and now I can say that one of them was only because. Well, it was better than nothing). And girlfriends? Ha, most girls ran away just thinking I was gonna talk to them. That sure helps ones confidence...

Yes, it could have been a lot worse, I´m aware of that, but it was enough for me and it still affects me. There´s a reason I´m shy, unsecure and rather stay at home than taking "risks". Still I´m not the same person I was in my late teens/early 20´s. I´ve got more confidence about some things that makes me feel better about myself. And I somehow got a girlfriend. Not really sure how that happened. But I still have my fair share (way too often) of bad moments questioning if there´s anything good with me at all. Which there is. No need to come running telling me there is. I´m just saying that those moments still comes and I doubt they´ll ever go away.

Standing up to the bullies is most often the best way. But not always as easy as it sounds. But if one manages to do it one often finds oneself wondering why one didn´t do it earlier. Does it always help? No, but it can at least be worth a shoot. And saying it´ll get better ones you get older doesn´t have to be true. But one thing´s almost certain. You´re not gonna be the exact same person you once were/are now.

As for bullying. Yes, some (ok, most of them) definitely do it to feel better about themselves what ever the reason can be. But if it´s just comments here and there (that as I know can hurt too) or the "ignoring" factor it doesn´t have to be intentionally. Not that it hurts less for the one on the recieving end. But one thing I´m sure of, the majority of the bullies doesn´t fully understand the consequences of their doings. And yes, the bullies get power because we give it to them but for some people it really isn´t that easy to "fight" back.

Sarcasm or saying "bad" things to people in a way to show appreciation (among friends) seem to happen a lot nowdays (for a few years, at least where I lived, the most popular way to "tell" someone that they were great was to call them stupid...) and although that can be good it still can have a bad impact. People react different to things being said. It can be past experiences or just something they´re sensitive about. Telling a skinny girl "jokingly" that she´s fat can as most people know end very badly how unlogical it seems. People are different, reacts differently and one needs to be aware of that.

I myself have for some reasons (that I´m not gonna go into here and now) developed my sarcastic side and are using it way too often (and what´s worse when people don´t realise that I´m not serious) and I don´t seem to be quite able to stop myself from using it. So this can be a good time to tell you all that if I say something that you take offence by or get hurt (or know someone that gets hurt by it) just tell me. I don´t want to hurt people either which way (at least 99.9% of the time) and how will I ever learn if I don´t get the help I clearly need?


And Sara (God I hope I spelled that right) we love you and "ignoring" your posts or threads have absolutley nothing to do with you. It happens to all of use sometimes. But I do recognise the feeling.