Chuck Norris Facts

A

Anita Blake

The Executioner
Joined
Jun 12, 2002
Messages
1,765
Age
40
Location
Waco, TX
So, for the last two months or so there has been this phenomenon here in Texas, where everyone is obsessed with Chuck Norris. There are hundreds perhaps even thousands of Chuck Norris 'facts' on the internet and everywhere I go I hear them.

Some of my friends and I were wondering if this phenomenon was isolated to Texas, or if the obsession has reached farther than that.

Talk to me people! 😀

Here are some examples for those of you not familiar with this oddity.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

***If you do know any more facts please post them...or I'll just keep going. 😀***
 
Chuck norris doesn't sleep he waits.
Chuck norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he's never cried. Ever.
 
George Bush once asked Chuck if he'd help him take over the world. To which Chuck replied " You asshole, I already rule the world. Get back in your box, bitch".

You know the saying..?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Taken Literally, Chuck can get his pants off, with feet firmly planted.

Anita Blake said:
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Click to expand...

: grinyes
 
Its in Glasgow too. How odd. I thought it was just a thing people on the other forum Im on were always going on about. Didnt realise it was America too.
 
Well, it's definitely in Minnesota. Freakydorky hasn't talked about anything else in a month. 😉

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down!
 
F
freakydorky
YES YES DEAR GOD YES! I was trying to think of this one when i posted that other one and couldn't....thank you for listening to me, and remembering...LOVE IT! LOVE YOU!
When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.



LMAO! I just love these!
 
W
Wicked
I love the second one :D
Some of my faves:

  • Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
  • When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
  • If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  • Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
  • Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
  • How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
  • Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
  • In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
  • Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
  • Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
  • Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
  • Hiroshima was never bombed with a nuke; the US goverment had Chuck Norris spit out his bubblegum from a plane.
  • The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
  • There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
  • Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
  • Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
 
chuck norris can divide by zero, and If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
are my new favorites!!
 
Well, see? I learned something new today. The Chuck Norris obsession is slowly taking over the world...which of course is Chuck Norris' master plan, since the one where Walker, Texas Ranger was played in ever country of every world and incidently became its own religion.

Did any of you ever watch Walker, Texas Ranger? I watched with grandmother. That was her favorite show.
 
Miffed67 said:
When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.



LMAO! I just love these!
Click to expand...

Those contradict themselves...he doesn't breathe...yet when he wants popcorn he does?! Maybe Chuck Norris is just that cool that he can be two exactly opposite things at the same time?


BTW- what the hell is in this things mouth? :jumping03
 
freakydorky said:
Those contradict themselves...he doesn't breathe...yet when he wants popcorn he does?!
Click to expand...
Possibly they mean 'breathes' the same way vamps do? Expelling air when needed, but not otherwise? :idunno:

My new favorites:
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
 
With a group of friends, we tried to come up with a couple of our:

  • There have been many unsolved murders in the past; in fact, it's all been Chuck Norris performing his roundhouse kick so fast, he broke the speed of light and his leg travelled back in time and hit innocent "bystanders".
  • Earth is not a planet; it's a moon of Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris hardly ever sneezes, last time he did, we refer to as hurricane Katrina. (I found this one to be in poor taste, but I decided to post it anyway... everyone will have to decide for themselves whether they find it tasteful or not.)
  • The ancient Greek adapted the biography of Chuck Norris to the legend of Hercules.
  • How many hits do you get if google the phrase "Chuck Norris is a loser"? Two, an undertaker as a search result, and a roundhouse kick to the face by Chuck Norris.

The following are a few more I found on the web, which I though were very funny:

  • Chuck Norris can speak braille.
  • Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
  • It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
  • As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself and fear itself fears Chuck Norris."
  • The first lunar-eclipse occured when Chuck Norris entered into a staring contest with the Sun.
  • "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
  • When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
  • Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
  • Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
  • Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
  • Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
  • Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
 
A
Anita Blake
Kudos! I hadn't heard some of those. They will be making the rounds at my school tomorrow. I knew there was a reason I kept you around...:D
It's not in Bristol. I'm only vaguely aware of who Chuck Norris is. But then I'm old, English and out of touch....... hotter than vindaloo about Thomas the Tank Engine though 😉
 
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