Coping with Grief

[Cast No Shadow]

As some of you know, I lost my best friend last week. It was horrible, and I haven't been so upset in a long time, but with the help of my other friends, my boyfriend and my family, I'm starting to deal with it.

I went and laid some flowers down yesterday, and that seemed like a really positive thing to me, and I take comfort in the fact that so many people loved her, she clearly had an impact on others.

I think it's always better to talk about things, though I know for some people this is really hard to do.

I've spent a long time feeling guilty every time I get happy about something, and checking myself online to make sure people don't think I've stopped thinking about her (something I'll never do). It's taken a while for people to convince me that this is silly.

My question is, how do you cope with grief? Do you have any methods?
I've got a feeling that people's responses will help me, and hopefully help other people as well.

Do you have any religious faith? And does this help?

 

[kittenpoker]

I am so sorry for your loss!!

I know it hurts and there isn't any way, unfortunately, around that... In my experience, and I know this is so much easier said than done, trying to block or push the pain away only makes it worse...let yourself feel it, and rely heavily on the people who love and care about you to help carry you through.

My heart goes out to you.

 

[Goldilocks]

Oh, dear I'm so sorry to hear that! I'm here if you need to talk!
I lost my grandparents a couple of years ago, and they were the most important persons in my life.. We even lived in the same house. So I know how it feels to lose someone that close to you.
To be honest, I don't know how I managed to "keep living". It was so harsh. My dad cried like every day in the beginning, so I knew that I had to support him and be there for him.
I think you friend is with you no matter what and there is no reason for guilt. I'm sure your friend wants and has always wanted you to be happy, so you should be strong for her. I always remembered Spike singing "The pain that you feel, you only can heal by living"..
So please be strong! And as I said, just let me know if you wanna talk 🙂

 

[spikecakes]

Dude, I had no idea that happened, I'm so sorry 🙁

Well, everyone copes with death differently. Sadly, I don't think there's a method which provides the best way to cope with it. I don't really have one, anyway. I think the best method for grief I can come up with is time. It takes time and you have to trust that it will get better, because it has to.

"The night is darkest just before the dawn." 🙂

Hope you're okay, mate.

 

[BuffyElevated]

I'm so sorry for your loss. 🙁 Coping with death is never easy, and I think a lot of people experience the same feelings you're talking about...
When my Gran died I mourned her so very deeply... I was pregnant with my second child, and I was deeply saddened by the fact that she didn't live to see my baby, and that my baby would never get to meet the grandma I had loved so deeply all my life. I sat up all night crying one night and I decided to write her a letter. I wrote a long letter telling Gran all the things I had wanted to say and when I got done, I read it out loud at the place we scattered her ashes. It helped a LOT and I felt like I was able to let a lot of the sadness, guilt, and other things go.

 

[Willow My Love]

First, I'd like to offer my condolences. If you ever want to talk, I'm here.

My grandfather died when I was 12. He was my father, to me. (I've posted about this in The Body topics.) For about a year afterward, I felt guilty any time I'd be happy, like you described. I didn't think I should be happy when he never could be again. I wallowed in the sadness of it all for a lot of years. Then I realized, even though he's gone, he'd want to see me smile. He wouldn't like to see tears every time I thought of him. So I started remembering all the good times. I go to his gravesite three times a year. His birthday, memorial day, and the day he died. I change out the flowers there, pay my respects, and think of memories I loved.

I also found, since I was so young at the time he died, it helped me to join a support group for teens that had lost a parent to cancer. I used to write him letters a lot.

I also have a box that holds items that remind me of my grandfather. A book we liked, a shirt he gave me, just little trinkets. The box usually stays shut, so the shirt still smells like him. An ex boyfriend of mine went through said box with my former roommates once. I was livid. Those are private to me.

Papal died 11 years ago this August. I like what Tara says to Dawn. You don't forget them. You make a place for them in your heart. They become part of you.

 

[VisionGirl]

I am so, so sorry for your loss. 🙁 I lost my father 5 years ago, and I have lost a pregnancy. A long time ago I lost both paternal grandparents & a friend all within 8 mos. I have lost uncles, my grandmother, a brother-in-law; I've watched dear friends bury a baby. Death is just plain hard. I don't have a lot of wisdom for you, except that I've been there. To me the biggest salve is time. It doesn't heal everything, it doesn't make anything go away. But for me it seems to take the sting out of it at least, to take away the "this pain is so bad it's crushing me" intensity. It doesn't mean that you stop grieving or stop remembering.

Yes, for me, religious faith helps. Again, I don't have the answers to everything, sometimes I'm not even sure what I believe. But hearing those basic tenets & soothing words help. Ritual helps.

It may feel to you like all you do is talk about it, and sometimes you have to find the right people to talk about it to. You did a good thing sharing here. 🙂

 

[sisterofmercy]

I'm so sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you.

I have no faith so I take a more philosophical view of death. I focus more on the life they had and my memories with them, rather than on the loss of them. The way I see it you're lucky to know those people, so as sad as it is that they're gone, you should be happy that you were able to share a part of their life with them. I've had lots of family members drop dead over the past 18 months so I've used that way of thinking to help me. I don't really get emotional as I figure it won't exactly do anyone any good and it's going to happen to us all one day.

 

[Cast No Shadow]

Thanks for all your responses, sometimes it feels like sharing an experience is helpful, and yours certainly have been. Although I really wish none of you had ever lost anyone, it helps to know I'm not the only person ever to go through loss.

It's not the only person I've lost, but it's the only friend, and for it to be someone so close makes it all the more difficult.

Thanks for sharing your stories xox

 

[Ianigsy]

I think I was slightly fortunate in that I didn't lose anybody I was close to until I was about 27 (my grandma- the only one of my grandparents to live long enough for me to have a proper relationship with them) and we'd lost my uncle Frank to cancer about six years before that. Personally I think that as long as you aren't going completely off the rails and physically harming either yourself or other people, nobody can dictate to you how to grieve because everybody's loss is different.

I've never admitted it to anybody, but when my aunt died last year I had a big scare just as we were all going into the church because it struck me that I might well have to bury at least one of my parents on my own (I'm an only child and they're both second children)- that really does unsettle me because I'm really not sure how I'll cope when the time comes.

 

[arabella]

You can PM me if you want. I run a grief support group and can provide information or answer grief related questions or recommend support groups.

One of my favorite activities to do is making a memory box of things that remind you or have some significance for you about the person who you lost. It seems to be the most helpful thing I have ever facilitated for others and done myself.

My dad unexpectedly died nearly 2 years ago and I can say from that experience and from my background in trauma counseling that while it does get less intense and frequent, the pain is something that comes and goes as you reach new stages in your life. I, personally, believe having faith in something higher than myself is comforting in the grief process. Its a process though. Please don't hesitate to ask if you have any questions.

 

[zobothehobo]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a terrible thing to lose someone.

My grandmother died when I was 11. She was the only stable adult role model I had. My parents were all over the place and my grandfather is/was a jerk. I still cry nearly every day. This November, it will be 9 years. But it feels like it was yesterday. I remember feeling her arms around me when she hugged me. She gave the best hugs, and I still remember EXACTLY what they feel like. I remember her voice and I often hear her in my head. There's so much I didn't get to do with her and there's so much she didn't get to do with me. I tell my friends all the time I wish they could have met her. She would have loved them.

What I do to cope with her death is talk. I talk with my mom, I talk with my sisters, with my cousins, with my grandfather... I tell my friends about her... I remember her. I often think of what she might say in response to a given situation... I don't feel like she's gone. Because she's not. Remembering and talking keeps her with me all the time. I know that sounds cheesy and stupid, and I know it's probably not much help at this stage... but that is how I cope with death. Remembering.

 

[randiann]

Time helps heal all wounds. The pain will never completely go away. There'll be days when you are doing something, and all of a sudden you'll think of your friend and how awesome it'd be if they were here. It becomes (for me at least) a bittersweet feeling. It's nice to remember the fun times, but remembering brings the feelings of grief back to the surface. It'll be hard for a long time. But know that your friend loves you and wouldn't want to see you in pain.

Unfortunately I've had quite a few loved ones pass. The two that affected me the most were the unexpected ones. With my grandfather and my elders, I knew it was coming more or less, and although I was sad it was easier knowing they lived full and happy lives. But when I was 17 one of my dear friends died suddenly. She was my youth leader at church, but she was so much more than that to me. She was like an older sister. She died the day before her 33rd birthday, pregnant with her third baby. A blood clot had formed on the placenta, and traveled to her lungs. She was quite literally there one day, and gone the next. I was devastated. I still miss her, and still carry her obituary in my wallet. It reminds me of my friend and of how I should strive to live my life. She was such a wonderful person.

The other was my baby. I was 5 months along when I lost him, and it was by far the hardest thing I've ever experienced. The only comfort I took in it was that he is buried at the same place my friend is (the same friend) and I like to think she watches over him. 5 months after he died my stepsister's 10 month old baby died from a malfunctioning crib. He is buried next to my son.

It's been 8 years since my friend passed, and 4 since my son and nephew passed. I started a journal after losing my son, and it helped alot. Being able to have an outlet for those feelings was a lifesaver. Every night I also say a prayer and give three kisses (i kiss my thumb) for each of these people. It's hard still, I get teary thinking about it, but I can think about them now and be happy too. I know they are ok, and one day i'll see them again.

 

[Marisa]

I am so sorry for your loss it is never easy.

I had a good friend die and it wasn't under easy circumstances. I choose to be in denial and act like I didn't care which made it all the worse when I broke down. So I would say you just take it day by day and just feel the grief.
I also felt very guilty for things that happened and I think once you let go of that it helps a lot. I haven't lost many people in my life she was one of the biggest and it still upsets me today but it does get easier.

 

[OhWow]

Sorry for your loss. 🙁

I don't know much about death. I lost my grandfather last year though. His death was a year after my mom's good friend died as well. So she is going through a very difficult time. She cries a lot, that's just part of the grieving process, I guess it is best to just let it out. I myself was caught in a slump. Quite depressed and sick of my home life, and well I still am a bit. But I have gotten better, my whole family has. When my niece was born. She truly brought healing and happiness into our lives. So I guess I can tell you that things do get better, never will you heal entirely, but it will be okay. Don't feel ashamed for being happy, that is all they would want you to be. I kinda belief in faith, I mean it snowed on the day of his funeral...I thought that was nice. 🙂

 

[NY State of Mind]

I'm sorry for your loss........that being said I've lost numbers of family/friends my whole life and at one point it was constant. Time is the only thing that makes it any easier but you'll never forget. I'm not religious but I've grown so accustomed to death that it hurts but doesn't pull the same effect it once did. But only time will help and expressing your feelings...its never good to bottle it up...trust me on that. Life isn't fair unfortunely but I hope you feel better 🙂

 

[Summerlilly]

Hi castnoshadow. I know we don't know each other but I just wanted to say I'm proud of you. You sound like a strong woman and you'll be ok. The fact that you are here is wonderful. 🙂

I can tell you how I dealt with greif and will always have to in some way. I lost my dad last year and just had my heart shattered a month before. It was the worst time of my life......and I know what got me through-the people who care about me. My friends and my family were there for me.....that would be my greatest advice to you. Talk to the people who care about you and try not to bury anything down. They really do love you.

Your friend will always be with you. And you can honor her memory by living life to the fullest. The pain will probably always be there in some way but it will lessen over time, as hard as that is to believe. Don't think about why it happened....just try to remember your love for her and why she was your best friend.

Love and aloha,

Summer Star

 

[Firefly]

My girlfriend passed away Jan '10. She was driving to my house one night and a drunk driver hit her head on. The weird thing is that the drunk driver use to be a friend of mine at school. I hated him for so long but I've let go of it now and I talk to him now and then, but its awkward, talking to the man who took your loves life. We where together for three years, no arguments, no fights, not one. A friend of ours would say "Thats what love looks like" when we were together. I loved her dearly, god knows how much I loved her but I have to move on. I was drowning in sadness. Bad things were in my mind. If I didn't ask her to come over she would still be alive today?. She was my reason to get up in the morning, I'd roll over and see her sleeping and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but now... I cant.

 

[TeamSunnydale]

I am so sorry for your loss. My Grandad died when I was 3 years old. I don't remember him very well. I don't know if religious faith will help, but maybe attending a worship session at any religious centre might help you or give you some clarity.
Don't be ashamed for being happy. She would want you to be happy.
If you ever want to talk, just PM me.

 

[Chosen Enemy]

Losing someone loved is probably the most painful thing in the world, more painful than physical injuries. My only lose was my dog, about 6 years ago. And I was surprised and felt guilty when the first smile after the death appeared across my face.

Last week I found out that my father is in a seriously bad condition. He's been visiting doctors for years, and only now they found out the details. Truth is, he's in a critical situation where I might lose him any minute, without warning. He acts as if everything is okay, so he seems okay. But I might lose him soon, and I love him more than anything. And even though I know I might lose him soon, I am in denial. That's how I cope. I can't grasp the reality, so I convince myself that everything will be fine. Total denial. I'm scared to death, but in my heart I think he'll live for many more years. I don't even want to talk about it with anyone. Because that's what I always do, I keep things inside, don't like talking about my feelings, and don't wanna hear the truth. So yeah, that's how I cope (I know it's something that is yet to happen, but still).

Goldilocks agrees: Oh, I am sorry It is important to talk about the feelings. If you feel like it, just PM me

I'll keep you in mind, thanks!