Dating, with kids

[For Bee and Sky]

My best friend recently ended a 3-year relationship with her boyfriend. From that relationship, she now has two children. To make a long story short, she is convinced men will not date her if they know she has children unless they have children themselves. I was wondering if you guys agree or disagree, why you feel that way and what your experiences with it are.

 

[kittenpoker]

I disagree! From my own experience and from others I know, having kids doesn't seem to be a deal breaker. And quite frankly, if it is, the hell with the guy! Would you really want to be with a guy who doesn't want your kids?


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[For Bee and Sky]

I don't think it's really an issue of her dating a guy that doesn't want her kids, I think she's concerned she won't be able to date a guy period (unless he has kids.)

 

[The Bronze]

I had a friend with no children who dated a women with a child for a little while. It wasn't a problem for him so it is possible for your friend to find people to date. However it will certainly narrow the field down. Some people don't want kids full stop, some don't want them right away and others wouldn't want to raise someone elses. The worst thing your friend can do is to try to hide it from someone and then drop it on them later.

 

[white avenger]

Granted, a woman having children by a previous marriage or relationship might be an issue with some men, but it wasn't with my father, or you wouldn't be reading this today, and my big sister wouldn't have had me for a baby brother (she might call that a mixed blessing) It wasn't with me, or I never would have married the most wonderful and amazing woman I have ever known, and it wasn't with our son, or I would not have two more or less, usually, wonderful grandchildren today. It just depends on how the individuals involved look at it.

I know that's really not much of an answer, but it's the best that I can come up with.

 

[OFAWB]

As with many things in life, my answer is this: "It depends."

Some people don't want to have children, or they don't want to take on the care of additional children/children who are not their own. Other people are fine with this.

Real-life example: I work with children for a living, but I'm not interested in having any of my own. I'd possibly date a man who had kids, though. Other childfree women would not be OK with that.

I'm in full agreement with the idea that if a man isn't interested in dating your friend becuase she has kids, he isn't a good man for her. For years, I've asked people, "Why do you care about the opinions of those who hate/disagree with/don't like you, your kids, or your lifestyle?" If a man doesn't like that your friend has kids, then he doesn't have to date your friend. And she'll be happier without him.

 

[EVIL UU]

It is a deal breaker for some men but you know, if she's an attractive person ( fit, doesn't dress like a mom ) with a fun personality who can separate her family life from her romantic life, at least in the beginning, she should be fine. Honesty is a must though.

 

[OFAWB]

What does "dress like a mom" even mean? A lot of the mothers I know are very sophisticated in the way that they dress...much more sophisticated, in fact, than yours truly, who does not have any children and doesn't ever plan to.

 

[EVIL UU]

Well, it means what it means, don't dress like a proverbial mom. It's hard to explain but you just know it when you see it.

 

[Blaze]

I'll just add that I think a lot of it depends on the age. If she's looking to date a younger man 20-22yo, I doubt that they would feel ready to date someone with a kid, although some would be fine with it, me included. If she's dating in the range 25-30, I feel like it shouldn't be too much of a problem. Again it depends on the person, but I know a lot of people that wouldn't mind too much. If she's looking to date a man older than 30, I don't see it being much of a problem, in fact she would have a good chance of finding someone else with a kid, or someone who is looking to start a family.

 

[kittenpoker]

I don't think it's really an issue of her dating a guy that doesn't want her kids, I think she's concerned she won't be able to date a guy period (unless he has kids.)

Right I got you! I'm sorry I wasn't more clear in my response. What I meant to say is that I believe that with the right guy, having kids doesn't make them not want to date you. Whether or not they have children. And, if it is a deal breaker, they're probably not someone you'd want to be with anyway so, no real loss.


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[Xin Rong]

My best friend recently ended a 3-year relationship with her boyfriend. From that relationship, she now has two children. To make a long story short, she is convinced men will not date her if they know she has children unless they have children themselves. I was wondering if you guys agree or disagree, why you feel that way and what your experiences with it are.

It depends on the woman, and her children. I am a guy who has been in a relationship for four years with a woman who has a son from a previous relationship. I fell for her straight away, and when I knew she had a child, it did stall me a little, but I liked her enough to get over it, and when I met her son then it was never an issue. He's a great kid, and we're really close, and now I've no idea why it was ever an issue.

Love depends on the people, if she finds someone who can love her, they won't care about the kids, in fact they should love them because they're so important to the person they love.

I would tell your friend not to worry, but I would like to ask, is she against dating someone else who has kids?l

 

[ILLYRIAN]

For Bee and Sky,
if your friend has convinced herself men won't date her because she has kids, that's her problem. It doesn't mean its true though.
I convinced myself no woman would be interested in me just because I am mentally and physically disabled, I was wrong because there are people worse of than me who get into good relationships.
Is your friend okay with the idea of never being in a relationship again? As that is what she is facing.
Oh, and I wouldn't consider dating your friend, and not because she has two kids. It's more to do with how far I'd have to go for a date.