depression

LOL! Yes, well, if you want to see good poetry then share with Soulgasm...he's the man...he had this one poem...it was beautiful...but yeah, sharing poetry is hard...I am a member at a site as well but I haven't been in a long while...it's a great escape and catharsis...I would share but it's pretty scary putting yourself out there like that...so I am impressed. Good show...and hey, why the hell would you think you don''t deserve it?! That's crazy talk! Insane troll logic! LOL! You're great! Don't be so hard on yourself hon. It's not fair to your writing. 😉
 
Hmm, would u see some of ppl I know writting, u would understand what i mean, lol. Some stuff r just amazing.
& yep, I know it's hard sometimes to share poetry, & there r thousand of poem i'll never show to anyone, lol
for some other, i dare to show them, but only in places or to ppl i trust. For the one i put here, i felt it was one i could share, coz other ppl could maybe relate.
Sometimes I just burn them, lol, coz i feel like they could betrayed me. lol, I know, THIS is crazy talk... didn't I tell u I was crazy ? Well u know now, lmao, beware!!!
& even tho it's scary i'd like to read some of urs. Would u show them ? pm me or in the site i told, or anything ?
 
Oh good lord! Mine are just silly ramblings from here and there over the years...I don't write with anywhere NEAR the frequency you seem to...and most of them make NO SENSE! LOL! But, that's the rockin' thing about poetry...they don't HAVE to make sense...I need to check out this site you were talking about...sounds interesting...
 
Yep, that the good thing with poetry... I soo agree.
C'mon, I don't care if it's silly, I really wanna know... did u read what I told about the drawing u had posted that was on ur door ?
I think that it might be same for what u write, & I'm very interesting in it.
& yep, the site is interesting tho there rn't lots of ppl yet. We hope to make more ppl come there.
 
Ok...ok...let me check this place out later today...I can be open...sometimes...lol...😛 I will PM you then...🙂 Actually, the door...that wasn't really art so much as it was psychotic episodes being drawn out across my poor defensless door...it was catharsis again...I was half out of my mind...lol...it was a doodle fest for a dark period! 😀 But thanks. 😉
 
u know that most of famous artist were said to be insane (van gogh, bethoveen, & lots of other, soz i don't remember?) Actually, it's coz ppl of their time didn't understand them. That was coz they were hypersensitive & receptive to their surroudings. Look how famous their arts r now.
& don't be so hard with urselves, as u told me, lmao, it's ditto for u !!! 😀
I don't mean that u r insane, but if u say that ur work r psychotic or such, well, maybe it was this artist's genius which shows up for a lil bit.

Oh, & ok, I hope u'll like the site, & maybe join, lol
 
Yeah. I like to read peoples poetry...it's nice to get the feeling that other people are right there with ya...but you seem to know all about that...ALL about it! 😛 Really, do you study art? Or are you just plain totally into it?

Oh...btw...yes, a lot of this has seemed to be off topic...but let me offer that DEPRESSION can be worked through in a number of ways...we are discussing one of the many with peotry...ok...I feel better now...lmao...
 
ha ha ha !!! well, I didn't think it was totally off topic... lol, as u said, depression appears in different way, & writing is a way to get rid of it a bit... at least to feel better.

& I don't study art particulary, but I'm interesting in it, & I study in college & sometimes we tackle the subject.
 
Hey,

Thanks for the kind words Rayne, its funny cos you say it takes a lot of courage and to me I am the weakest person in the world mentally, but I guess thats part of the whole depression deal, if thats what I have.

I would agree with yous about the writing thing, its a great way of release you can get everything out but I really dont think a lot of what i write down should be shown to anyone , noone would be able to make sense of it accept me. I'm gonna join up to that site though cos I like what you have written and maybe if I get the courage i'll put something I've wrote up there.
 
No prob Jonut. Yes, it DOES take a lot of strength and courage to get help. I knew something was wrong as early as the age of 5 and I it took me 19 years do do something...tell someone...of course when you let it go for that long it manifests itself in diferent ways untill you're where I am and then it's kinda hard to hide...from those closest to you...but yeah, I am SO HAPPY you are going to see someone! 😉

Writing...definately a GREAT thing for you...it's fine to keep it to yourself...nothing wrong there...if that's how you feel...but sharing can be wonderful too because it can always help someone else to realize they aren't alone. 🙂
 
U can't say that it's crappy Rayne, u tell me that i'm hard on myself, but u did same... believe me, they r meaningful & so well written.
I liked particulary Revelation, No way out, Puppet Princess & Inside these Walls.
Untold was amazing.
 
I suffer from some kind of depression... it's not nice! When I'm down, it hits me like a ton of bricks... I don't want to do anything, I don't want to talk to anyone and yet I feel so alone. I find myself crying over what feels like nothing because I can't explain what i'm feeling! I've hurt myself before... just to feel something else but it didn't help. Last year i started having these recurring dreams about something that happened in my past and it put me on a permanent downer. I went to see a counsellor and she told me that i have surpressed feelings that will come out in their own time. I've tried forcing myself to talk about things and bring them out but it doesn't work like that. After all, you can't describe feelings can you? The feelings show themselves at different times and when i'm least expecting it. I've been ok lately... but i have my bad days. I guess i have to wait for these feeling to come out and pass then i'll be ok.

My aunt suffers too. She has been for the past three years. She's been in and out of hospital and taken so many different pills to try and help. But the only thing it's done is change her character and she's not the same person anymore. I can't remember the person she used to be and it makes me want to cry just thinking about it.
 
Hey, I've been reading the posts and finally decided that I would weigh in as well. I've been on anti-depressents for almost 2 years now. It helped a lot of a while but then things got to the point where I would be fine for a few months and then not for a few months etc.... I've been pretty down since November and my negative moods and how I'm always so down on myself (that I'm fat or not good enough) was one of many other valid reasons my bf broke up with me 10 days ago. That certainly hasn't helped. I miss all the good times we had and feel so lied to b/c I always remember all the things they said and now it seems to be so meaningless.

Polexia - I find it extremely hard to get out of bed in the mornings. All I want to do is stay in bed and sleep. Sometimes I feel like I want to just kill myself but I always think of the other ppl that it would affect and I just can't do it. Sometimes I feel like I'm weak b/c of that but try to remind myself that it's the other way around.

I think it's important to understand that things that happen in our lives don't make us depressed - they can contribute to the problem, but things can always be delt with. I think for a lot of ppl a combination of medicine and therapy is helpful. But everyone is different.

I just want to be better - normal ya know? I want me back, but I've been depressed for so long that I really don't even know who the real me is.
 
Hello Elmo & Falcon !

Elmo : Yep, this is hard to feel that way, to be down without even knowing why. It's like you wanna be alone & that ppl let you in peace, but meanwhile you feel too much alone ?
I know it's hard & seems impossible to bring bad feelings out, & it might take you a very long time to manage to do that. Of course, you can't describe feelings exactly how they really are, but if you try, again & again, to explain to other, or even just to yourselves, some things that happened in your life, you could make it easier to live.
The better thing I know to do that is to write. Not necessarily poems, lol, if you don't feel like writing poems. It can be like a letter to yourselves, ya know, you try to put it on the paper. In the beginning, it's hard, you can't find words, & it seems useless, but little by little, you might be able to leet it flows, & then, everything could be clearer.
I'm not a shrink or anything, lol, it's just a personal experience, & a personal advise, do what you want with it, & if it helps you, keep writing in here 😛

Falcon : Glad you decided to post in here 🙂
I'm sure that if you've got the will to be better, you would manage, later or sooner to be the way you want. I mean, it's a good start that you have ths will. Some ppl don't have it, & it makes it worst for them. You seem to be like my best friend last year, she was looking for her real self, coz she was so depressed, whereas be4 she was always so happy & full of energy. But since, she has recovered, & she told me that this depressed her wasn't her really. lol, I hope it can help you to know that you can manage to find yourself again.
I guess that everyone has ups & downs, & we just are differently affected by them, depending on our personalities & sensitiveness.
I don't really know what to tell you, apart that maybe you should listen to your friends who, I'm sure, tell you that you're not what you think. & all the things that have been said aren't meaningless for real. They seem so to you coz you don't feel ok, but you might know inside that they are still true.
About going out of the bed in the morning, gosh, it's a real pain for me as well. I could advise you to find a delightful reason & to think of it every morning, but it's not easy, lol
I used to have found one in the past year, but it has no effect anymore. Hmm, we have to seek for a kinda motivation in our lives I guess, just that it's hard to figure out which one could work.

Gosh, I'm soz, I sound like a boring shrink or something, so i'll just shut up now. Take care both of you, & everyone :: tu ::
 
Thanks Frenchy Faith. 🙂 I appreciate your advice and I'll bear it in mind. I do keep a diary which i don't write in all the time. But when i'm really down or when new things happen in my life (even good things) I write them down so my mind doesn't cloud up with things. That way i leave room for the old feelings to come out. I'm trying to talk to people around me more nowadays. I know it doesn't do me any good to just shut myself up and be alone. I know i have a lot of people around me to talk to but sometimes it's even harder to talk to people you know because they get upset for you and they are very attached. That's why it's very helpful to have people online to talk to if i need them. I can never be really close to you people and i don't have to worry about telling you certain things. Sometimes i feel ashamed by things that have happened in the past and i have problems telling them to people face to face. I guess the thing that is hardest for me... (that i thought i was doing til last year) is getting on with my life.
 
Frenchy Faith - Thanks so much for the reply. It really means a lot to me that you took the time to do that. I agree with everything you said. I don't actually talk to my friends about stuff. None of them know that I'm on medication or anything like that. My bf did though b/c we had become really close and I guess that's why I find it so hard right now, b/c I thought that b/c he knew he would be there for me if things got rough. Then they did and he just couldn't handle it "“ he said that he couldn't see himself being with someone who was so hard on themselves and was so negative all the time.

Elmo "“ I totally understand how you feel about this: "Sometimes i feel ashamed by things that have happened in the past and i have problems telling them to people face to face. I guess the thing that is hardest for me... (that i thought i was doing til last year) is getting on with my life." There are so many things that I do out of extreme emotion and then when I've "calmed" down or something I feel so stupid, ashamed and embarrassed about it. Half the time I feel like I'm being bounced around! Lol

Ya know "“ it's really great to have you guys here to talk to. I find it easier to talk to ppl I don't "really know". Does that make sense? Anyway, thank goodness for Buffy hey 🙂

Sending hugs,
Falcon
 
It does make sense, I find it easier talking to people i don't know because they aren't attached. In fact, I think i'm gonna tell you what happened!

I used to live with my parents and my half sister in England when i was younger. My life wasn't a happy one because me and my sister were always getting into trouble for things that we didn't even do. (My Dad seemed to crave power and could easily pick on a couple of children). One incident was when I was off school and my Mum was at work. He told me he was going out for a couple of hours and that he wanted me to feed, walk and bath the dog before he came back. I rushed around to get the jobs done and when he got back he beat me up because the dog was still wet! He did similar things to my sister... then it got too much for her and she moved out to go live with her own Dad.

My Mum, Dad and I were thrown out of our house because he didn't pay the rent for 3 months. And so we moved and I started at a new school where nobody liked me and i was bullied. So as well as being bullied at home i was being bullied at school... nowhere was safe.

Just as i thought nothing could get worse, my father raped me... on 2 occasions. My heart is actually in physical pain thinking about it. He told me he would kill me if i so much as breathed a word about it. So i stayed quiet for 4 years, skulking around the house, being careful not to get in his way or anger him in any way. Until finally i'd had enough and told my sister what had happened. She had a nervous breakdown because the same thing had happened to her and she didn't want to leave me to get hurt by him. She told social services and they called my Mum and told her that i had made an alligation... so she talked me out of it. She put words into my mouth and i was forced to lie about it. I was too afraid to do anything else.

My sister spoke to me again when i was visiting my Grandma. I told her more about what had happened and she got a police woman to speak to me straight away. I was told i didn't have to go back to my parents. I went to court to testify against him and everything. He pleaded guilty so they gave him a sentence of 1 years probation. I was mortified! My Mum didn't believe me... and she still lives with him.

Since then I moved to Scotland with My aunt and uncle... who took good care of me. That's why i thought i was doing ok. I still saw my Mum 3 times a year until i turned 18.... then she didn't want anything more to do with me. I'm at University now and... well i don't know really... I don't know what i want to do with my life... I'm up and down all the time... I don't know where my life is going.

So there you have it... my life story (in the shortest possible format).

I think it's a shame that your bf felt that way. I know it must be difficult for them... god knows it must be difficult for my bf but sometimes they just have to deal. The way we have to deal with it. They can be very affected by these things. I know what it's like to be negative all the time... you can't see the positive... especially about yourself if something's got you down. I'm sorry that people have this problem... in my world i would change it all.
 
You're both welcome guys, & I'm really glad if what I said made you feel better even just a sec, lol
& I totally know what you both mean, it's really really easier to talk through here, because here you don't have to bear the look of the other, you don't have to wonder how they judge you if you don't really know them, it's just a good way to talk, & have advise, without having to fear anything.
Elmo, yep, the diary can be very helpful (talk with experience lmao). But you really don't have to be ashamed coz you don't tell some things, I mean, you will prolly tell them when you will feel ready, when you'll meet the good person & will feel that you can really trust this person. Don't force yourselves, let it comes, & when you'll be ready to tell a person some things face to face, then it'll be great. & if ppl think that you should talk more & get mad coz you don't talk, well THEY are wrong, & they have to understand how to get you to speak without force you.
Falcon, I'm soz if ur bf wasn't strong enough to help you to go through hard stuff, but one day you will find someone who will be the perfect person to help you to go over hard things in your life.
About your medication & other stuff, I can't tell you to tell to your friends coz if you don't feel like, better not to do. Just, let me add that the reason why you don't tell them must not be the fear of rejection. I mean, what prevent you from telling them shouldn't be that, coz if they're your friend, they would care alot if you told them, & maybe some could help you. So, don't force yourselves to tell them, but don't tell nothing coz you're afraid of their reaction, & don't hesitate to tell when you feel like you wanna tell & when it's the good moment. Hmm, donno if it was clear, but btw, it's what I think, lol, take great care *hugs to everyone who wants them*
FF

Hmm, again a post but it's coz I haven't seen Elmo's last one when I posted.

Hey girl, i'm really really sorry for what happened to you. It was awful & no one should have to go through so much pain.
I'm glad that you dare to say what happened to ur granny & that now you're safe.
I think I can't picture how hard it has been so I donno if what I say has any values but, I'll say even.
The past that you described is really hard, & it is prolly hard to face it, but to see the good part in it, well, you can think that all this **** is behind you. I mean, you were strong enough to face it, you've showed an amazing strength I think actually, & it's like you were tense for so much time, you had to keep on, never show any weakness. & now, it's like all the tension disappeared suddenly, & the memories remain.
For once, you can think about all of it, because it belongs past & that ppl can reflect better on their past than on the present when they are living.
& I think that's why you feel so bad. It's like you don't have to face hard things anymore, & for once you can rest a bit, & the efect of this is that you feel down, because you realize how much it was hard. & it might be very hard, I guess. But you might feel better if you tried to concentrate much more on the present now. I know it's much easier to say than to do, because I myself live to much in the past, but it's what I try to tell to myself, & I think it's hard to do, but it can help. Don't forget the past, coz you can't & it's a part of you, but find a way to accept it & put it in a drawer, that will be still here, but that you will close because it's useless for now.
Lol, I know the metaphor isn't very great, lol, & I donno if what I say make sense for you.
Ok, I stop here, take care :: teeth :
FF
 
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