Emotional Dependency

[Harley]

Do you know someone you'd consider emotional dependent? Is it even a negative thing to you? What're some signs? What are your opinions on people who fit this?

 

[Selfless705]

I guess this means people who feel they need other peoples approval and attention?

If so, I know many. I know one guy who will literally agree with anything one girl says, no matter how ridiculous.

And there are people who are constantly talking about how bad there life is etc... I understand that you think you have a bad life, but I really dont feel I should be comforting you about it every single day. Especially, when what they moan about are completely not moan worthy.

Imo, its definitely negative. But I also think there are lots of people who look for people who get attached easily because they want to be needed. Vicious circle my friend. Vicious circle.

 

[Vamp Jenny]

*raises hands* I am, sometimes.

I know it's not a positive thing, but it's very hard for some people not to search for other's approval (I won't clear this by telling the story of my messed up high school years again, but yeah....)

Also, some people feel like they need to be real close to someone because the smallest thing makes them think the world is against them. And when I say real close, I mean a friend or a boyfriend that would agree most of time with said people.

So not good at all, but it is very hard for those people not to act like that, because certain reasons pushed them to think they have no other ways of feeling good about themselves. Mostly, they don't have any self-esteem (or don't even know what it is).

 

[sisterofmercy]

People who act like that usually have their reasons, so I think it's always best to treat them with respect and support, rather than assume they're self absorbed and have no self esteem.

That said, it can be a problem if your sense of worth is tied to another person and can lead to other psychological problems further down the line.

 

[kittenpoker]

I am. And yes, I think it's a bad thing....It's kinda been my life's quest to try and change this. It's not easy.

 

[Bexieh]

Wait I don't get it, what does emotionally dependent mean exactly?

 

[Ripper666]

Wait I don't get it, what does emotionally dependent mean exactly?

I have the same problem. I think you mean that someone has feelings of any sort (love. hate, interest,jealousy) and focus them towards another person. Can't get away from them. Is this right?

I think the word "dependency" shows that it isn't a good sort of situation. I think it can get very dangerous for you and peoples around if you become emotional dependence. For example when you focus your hate on a certain group of people and can't get the ahte away frm them/it. (WWII)

 

[kittenpoker]

I think the issue is one of self esteem. *groans* I'm gonna open myself up and be completely nakedly honest here..... I don't have any. What I mean is that core of confidence that lies in yourself and you can feel good and happy about yourself....doesn't seem to be there - in me - or I can't find it.... What happens for me is I get it from others. When someone likes me I feel good (likeable) and when someone doesn't I feel bad (unlikeable). It really sucks. It honestly has been my life's work to try and cultivate and develop that seed (of self worth) inside of me. But it's a step forward, step backwards journey and frankly I'm not sure if I'm making progress....But I keep trying.

So there it is.

*nervously hits submit*

 

[This Year's Girl]

I think [MENTION=10446]sisterofmercy[/MENTION] made excellent points in her posts.

Other than that I'd like to add to the discussion that emotional dependency doesn't always have to be a bad thing. Part of being able to have close relationships with others is that you open up to them and dare to trust that they are going to be there for you and that you can depend on them. I am a very independent person, but when I feel comfortable enough to be myself around someone and trust that they're going to support me and always be there for me it feels really, really good. And sometimes the persons I feel dependent on do leave. And that hurts. But it has still always been worth the risk.

 

[EvilBuffy]

When I hear 'emotional dependency', I don't think of people who want others approval. I think of people who depend on other people to make them happy, which is a completely different thing in my book. One person instantly springs to mind for me. After seeing it for years, I do think it's negative to have to rely on others to make you happy.

 

[Vamp Jenny]

When I hear 'emotional dependency', I don't think of people who want others approval. I think of people who depend on other people to make them happy, which is a completely different thing in my book. One person instantly springs to mind for me. After seeing it for years, I do think it's negative to have to rely on others to make you happy.

Yes, but part of depending on other make you happy is looking for their approval when you do something and feeling hurt when they don't agree.

 

[Living Dead Boy]

I've never been a person you would consider "independent." My entire life, I've been hiding behind people, gently asking them to take the wheel. Sometimes I'm extremely needy, even without knowing it. I still don't even consider myself an adult, because I'm still so dependent on others to survive. Sometimes, if I don't hear from you, or receive a text, I get nervous. I'm waiting for you to screw up, or walk out of my life. I tend to get extremely attached to the people I love, and that tends to drive people away. But I'm trying, honestly. I'm better at taking control and making decisions for myself than I used to be. The first instance I joined a band, it was like wow, I did something for myself. No one helped me or pushed me to do it, and the feeling was amazing. Now it's just about building on that. It's just a work in progress, but I'm definitely emotional dependent.

 

[SlayerFest]

I think the issue is one of self esteem. *groans* I'm gonna open myself up and be completely nakedly honest here..... I don't have any. What I mean is that core of confidence that lies in yourself and you can feel good and happy about yourself....doesn't seem to be there - in me - or I can't find it.... What happens for me is I get it from others. When someone likes me I feel good (likeable) and when someone doesn't I feel bad (unlikeable). It really sucks. It honestly has been my life's work to try and cultivate and develop that seed (of self worth) inside of me. But it's a step forward, step backwards journey and frankly I'm not sure if I'm making progress....But I keep trying.

So there it is.

*nervously hits submit*

This really surprises me because you are so...incredibly nice. I don't believe that you don't have any. If that's true...you really are an incredible person. Most people with no self esteem aren't as opinionated as you are. I mean you get so enthusiastic when you talk about things on J4 (or whatever the new name is haha) and I'm just really surprised! I could totally see you being an announcer type person on television. You could definitely replace that Carrie Keegan chick on One Hit Wonders (some show on VH1 classic) her voice is irritating and ugh. She's unpleasant.

Most people don't like it when others don't like them (even me...and I'm pretty damn apathetic 😉) I personally believe that if you are able to recognize that you are lacking something within yourself and that you're trying to fix it, then you're fine. I mean you don't take your insecurities out on others and you don't seem like a miserable person. In the chat you always try to include people in discussions/make sure that whatever they bring up has been addressed which is really nice 🙂. People that I have known, with low self esteem are usually either total bitcas, or they're painfully shy. You don't seem to be either of those things.

I don't even know if I have high self esteem. It depends. I'm really self conscious when it comes to doing things right. I am always, always convinced that I am doing something wrong. It's really annoying. Ugh. It's made me so indecisive and slightly paranoid. I have the worst anxiety, oh boy. I'm not very needy or emotionally dependent though. I never tell people how I feel, I keep my emotions bottled in, which isn't healthy either. It's easy for me to tell you guys because I don't have to hear myself speak. See...the self confidence thing is tricky. Some days I can't stand to hear my own voice, and other days I'm thinking, "I am your master. I will kill you all."

I'm pretty sure I'm just nuts.

Also, I know some people who take it personally when people disagree with their opinion or dislike an idea they have, and I can't relate to that...at all. I think it's because I am hard on myself. I am my toughest critic, so I kind of expect people to be...way more harsh than they ever would be (to my face anyway). I think this is because my mom, friends, and a lot of other people in my life, are really honest. I always tell them, "Be brutal!" I don't like it when people hold back! If you HATE a story I've written, tell me, and be as detailed as possible! I sometimes am a little too brutal myself, but it's mainly because I respect honesty. I want people to be honest with me, so I try my hardest to be honest with them. I do believe in respecting other people's beliefs and opinions, so being rude isn't part of this brutal honesty thing 🙂. I call rude people rudies...and rudies suck. I'm not sure if I'd call people who take brutal honesty personally, emotionally dependent or just sensitive. I can be really sensitive sometimes, but if someone takes the time to critique my work, I take that as a compliment. Yeah I kind of suck at organizing my thoughts hahah.

 

[EvilBuffy]

Yes, but part of depending on other make you happy is looking for their approval when you do something and feeling hurt when they don't agree.

I mean beyond that. Someone who just can't ever be alone because they can't or don't know how to make themselves happy, so they expect others to do so.

 

[Bluebird]

I've experienced emotional dependency from a few people. And I think it shows in different forms, and is associated a lot with confidence and self esteem. A former friend of mine was totally dependent on her boyfriend, and would need to go everywhere with him, and got insecure if he wanted to do something on his own. It was very strange and possessive. Also, my ex was deeply insecure but hid it underneath another persona of bravado and arrogance. He used everyone he knew to get what he wanted out of them, regardless of their feelings. Everything revolved around him in his eyes. Another girl I know who's very like that is his new girlfriend, funnily enough. She is incredibly attention seeking to an incredible level. That usually goes hand in hand with depending on others. Seeking approval in your appearance and 'personality'.

I wouldn't say I was emotionally dependent. I was quite shy growing up and I never pushed myself to do things or step outside my comfort zone, but I'd say I'm a completely different person now. I go for what makes me happy, and I don't worry. I don't attach myself to another person, because if that person fails you, then what are you left with? Your self worth isn't attached to how others see you. Now, I don't care if I look silly or make a fool of myself, or about the clothes I wear or the lack of makeup I wear.

A good example is with me and my former friend and her now ex-boyfriend. She was always all over him, staring and keeping super close. She was talking away and said 'I love you' to him. By this point in their relationship he'd said 'I love you' to her a million times, and they lived together. This one time he forgot to say it, because someone else was talking to him when she said it - she agonised over it for days, and made him feel bad for it. That is ridonkulous. If my boyfriend didn't immediately say 'I love you' back, or forget to say it back in a text or whatever, it wouldn't even register to me. It's unhealthy to be that way, in my opinion.

And I don't get jealous when he accidentally finds himself on a date with another girl who trapped him into it, and posted photos on Facebook of their 'date'. That was hilarious. And a story for another time. 😀

 

[Vamp Jenny]

Also, I know some people who take it personally when people disagree with their opinion or dislike an idea they have, and I can't relate to that...at all. I think it's because I am hard on myself. I am my toughest critic, so I kind of expect people to be...way more harsh than they ever would be (to my face anyway). I think this is because my mom, friends, and a lot of other people in my life, are really honest. I always tell them, "Be brutal!" I don't like it when people hold back! If you HATE a story I've written, tell me, and be as detailed as possible! I sometimes am a little too brutal myself, but it's mainly because I respect honesty. I want people to be honest with me, so I try my hardest to be honest with them. I do believe in respecting other people's beliefs and opinions, so being rude isn't part of this brutal honesty thing 🙂. I call rude people rudies...and rudies suck. I'm not sure if I'd call people who take brutal honesty personally, emotionally dependent or just sensitive. I can be really sensitive sometimes, but if someone takes the time to critique my work, I take that as a compliment. Yeah I kind of suck at organizing my thoughts hahah.

Usually, when someone takes personally a critic or that someone dislike or doesn't agree with their idea, it's mostly because they're not used to being criticized in a good way.

Here comes the personnal experience (prepare the tissues 🙄 ) :

I've been bullied through all my High School years. And I don't mean beaten, but just plain psychological bullying. I've been picked on, laughed at, criticized in the worst possible ways (i.e.: they'd say that my father tried to kill himself because I was a failure). Even teacher(s) would be just mean to me when I failed at something (i.e.: not being able to get into the talent show, my English teacher - whom had never seen me dance and wasn't even at the audition - told me I wasn't a good dancer). Sure there were a few good people (like my 9th grade French teacher who made sure my "suicidal tendencies" weren't really that), but I mostly didn't get criticized in a good way.

So now, when someone critics my work or me, for instance, in a bad way, I tend to get really upset, because all those memories come flowing back and I feel like a failure. That is partly why I am constantly searching for others' approval. I need to feel that I am good at something. It also reflects in my work. I am never truly satisified in an exam if I get under 80% and I always feel like my drawings are not good enough.

I'm messed up, I know, no need to take pity XD

 

[BuffyElevated]

I am definitely not someone who is emotionally dependent on anyone, but my mom is... She is the type of person who has to have a man in her life, or she's not happy. Right now she's "dating" a man she met in an online poker chat room, who is my age and missing a bunch of teeth... This guy lives in Africa and she lives in the States. Even though she can never see him, she is happy because she has a boyfriend.
Personally, I find being emotionally dependent on others to be a very negative thing. You need to know how to be happy on your own, and not depend on others for your happiness...

 

[SlayerFest]

Usually, when someone takes personally a critic or that someone dislike or doesn't agree with their idea, it's mostly because they're not used to being criticized in a good way.

Here comes the personnal experience (prepare the tissues 🙄 ) :

I've been bullied through all my High School years. And I don't mean beaten, but just plain psychological bullying. I've been picked on, laughed at, criticized in the worst possible ways (i.e.: they'd say that my father tried to kill himself because I was a failure). Even teacher(s) would be just mean to me when I failed at something (i.e.: not being able to get into the talent show, my English teacher - whom had never seen me dance and wasn't even at the audition - told me I wasn't a good dancer). Sure there were a few good people (like my 9th grade French teacher who made sure my "suicidal tendencies" weren't really that), but I mostly didn't get criticized in a good way.

So now, when someone critics my work or me, for instance, in a bad way, I tend to get really upset, because all those memories come flowing back and I feel like a failure. That is partly why I am constantly searching for others' approval. I need to feel that I am good at something. It also reflects in my work. I am never truly satisified in an exam if I get under 80% and I always feel like my drawings are not good enough.

I'm messed up, I know, no need to take pity XD

Haha you're messed up? Those kids who picked on you basically live inside my head. I'm my own bully. I don't even have an excuse for how...crazed I am because I'm doing it to myself. Your situation was definitely worse than my own, in my opinion. I don't know what it's like to be bullied, usually I could care less if one person is an ass to me, but if tons of people are, you really do start to feel worthless. I remember a group of kids who didn't know me at all, made tons of assumptions about me and it was so annoying! I'm known for being that person who doesn't care what people think, but it sucked having multiple people trash you.

The kids who picked on you are messed up. Sure, you aren't fond of criticism, I know people who have never been bullied and they hate criticism. They're just sensitive, I guess. Which is fine, who cares? You don't take out your insecurities on others, so in my eyes, you're not messed up. Everyone has issues, and if you are aware of your faults and you're trying to fix them, then you're doing something right. Odds are those kids picked on you because you're different or "weird" and most weird people grow up to be quite successful. When you're a professional dancer or artist, the kids who picked on you will probably be bald (yes, even the girls) and living in their parent's house and/or homeless (they can be both if their parent's house = a car). Also, just tell yourself "they are critiquing my dancing and/or artwork, not my character" or pretend that when people critique you, they are giving you the best advice in the world, because usually, they are. Some people can just be cruel and untruthful, so if they're rude then just block it out, because there is a huge difference between constructive criticism and...BS haha.

 

[Kean]

Emotional dependency is not something I have an issue with. If anything, I am too emotionally independent. Obviously, I want people to want me around, I want people to like me or appreciate me, but ultimately I determine my self-worth. Which is great in theory, but in practice I am incredibly, incredibly hard on myself. My friends joke that my middle name is "Standards", because I set them so high. None more so than for myself. While I can intellectually understand emotional dependence, I can't say I can understand it very well, simply because I have never felt it. I have never relied on anyone in that way, and I have never allowed anyone to rely on me to such an extent, either. I'm not sure if that was a natural or intended thing on my part. I think perhaps it was a bit of both, and probably more intentional as I got older. I have an amazing family, and wonderful friends, but I have learned that even those bonds have their limits and ultimately, all you've got is yourself. I think I'd lose my mind if I was dependent on others for my emotional cues, I'm far too much of a control freak. 😉 🙂