Family problem caused by internet

D

Dru Malfoy

Witch
Joined
Aug 22, 2003
Messages
265
Age
55
Ok, I don't know if this is the right place, but I feel I need to get a few opinions on that as I am confronted with it in my family:

About a year ago I showed my mom how to use the internet, message boards, chats, ICQ.

My mom was really enthusiasic about it. She just thought it was fantasic: a whole new world. Pretty much as I had experienced it before her.

Lately she has become very much changed. She used to go to sleep pretty early, as she has to get up quite early in the morning. Now, she barely sleeps for more than 4 hours a night, because she has met somebody with whom she thinks she's in love.

I might say that she is 53 and he is 22. He thinks it's all a game where he is Aragorn and she is Arwen. My mother is kind of in her midlife crisis. She's really afraid of getting old, that no one will want her any more, and now chatting with him on the internet she thinks that she's young again. Problem is, they never met. Next problem is, I know that he's having affairs with women his age at the same time. Third problem is: she's lying about it to her family, to her friends and gets really really agressive about it, when I try to speak to her about it. I have never seen so much hate in her eyes as now, when I ask her, if she's still sending e-mails to him.

She accuses me of wanting her to be alone forever, which is simply not true. I only think she should have a real relationship with somebody at least roughly her age and somebody who doesn't live about 500 km away from her and at least has a job. And above all: somebody who doesn't cheat on her.

I'm really worried about it because she shows all signs of addiction and she won't listen to anyone. We've not only been mother and daughter but very good friends. But lately she's lying to me (and to her friends) all the time. You know things like: "sorry, can't come to the meeting, I'm feeling ill" - when really she wants to be online to talk to her internet-boyfriend. When I visited her in my holidays she was pretending to sleep, so I would go to my room and she could chat with him without me noticing it. A normal conversation with her is impossible. I cannot trust her any more.

I don't know what to do. She won't let me help her because she accuses me of hating her and wanting her to be unhappy.

Please tell me your opinion.
 
I'm kinda addicted to the internet myself, (but I'm aware of it) & I can say it's an annoying thing, very hard to get rid of.
I think you must insist & force her , & if it's not you because of what you said, then you must ask to her friends.
It might be very difficult because she is your mom, but you have to talk & talk again, to convince her. It wouldn't necessary make her stop, but if she is at least aware of her addiction, it could be a good beginning.
She needs to be reconnected to reality, to have peopel around who show that they care, more than people on the web care.
Good luck.
 
Your mum's situation sounds more or less identical to that a former friend of mine had.

Only difference being that at the time she became addicted to chatroom and the net she was married with two children. It got that bad with her that she left her husband and children to go and live with someone she had known for five minutes through a chatroom. Needless to say it ended within a week and she was left homeless, with nowhere to go. She upset her kids and cut off her friends in order to see this man. Since this happened she has continued to meet men through the internet - one even scammed her out of money and she found out some really bad stuff about him afterwards. Despite the concerns of friends, she ignored our warnings and she is now in debt, has had to move out of the area, she lost her home that she managed to set up and she now only sees her children a few times a year during holidays. She turned 40 this year and what's worse is that all of these men, she slept with without even getting to know them, they used her and then dumped her like garbage when they were done, yet still she is blind to it all. She lied to friends as she knew what we thought of her meeting all these complete strangers and to top it all the sex she did have was unprotected. Myself and my husband had known her for 6 years but when she left we didn't know her anymore, infact we no longer speak to her at all but I know through sources that she is still at the same game.

She wouldn't listen either, so unforunately I doubt that your mother will until she realises herself what is going on.

I wish you all the best and sympathise fully, it was hard enough seeing it happen to a friend but to watch it happen to your own mother must be really hard. 🙁
 
This is really a tricky situation, and I hope that it gets resolved in a way that you don't loose your relationship with your mother, as like you I have an extremely close relationship with mine and it means the world to me.

Sadly this sort of thing is happening a lot more now, a woman in my village left her husband and children to go over to the states and live with a man she met on the internet.

Perhaps you are a bit too close to the situation, no matter what you say to your mother she is probably not going to listen because 'she's a mother and she knows best.' The only thing I can suggest and I don't know how well it would work, as its hard to give good advice if you have never been in the situation. Tell her that all you want is for her to be happy, but try and make her aware of the dangers and what this man is like. However as Cordelia said the chances are she will not listen.

As this is now a common occurance, you may find that there is some support groups out there (ironically enough) on the internet that can offer better advice.
 
Thanks a lot for your input and your support 🙂

Please keep on posting your thoughts and ideas as I don't even know what to think about the whole problem. I think the more opinions I get from you guys the more I will understand what's going on.

So, thanks a lot 🙂
 
I think you should call in the help of someone else. You're mother and you seem to interact as equals and what she needs right now is someone who she can look up to , who has power over her.

She doesn't need a friend right now, she needs a boss.
 
Oooh I hate to say this..but this might be one of those things where she will have to make the mistake on her own.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, what a tough situation. My mom went through something like this but not over the Internet..with a man...my sister and I knew something was wrong but my mother wouldn't listen. We eventually hired a private detective and guess what..not only was he married with 2 kids..but he had TWO other girlfriends as well.

I think you can offer your advice, but don't let it come between you and your mom. Just try and be there for her when she needs you...as she will inevitably will. 🙁

I'm sorry I can't offer any better help, but I'm thinking of you hun!
 
Yikes, maybe you should run and disconnect the internet. Lol, no that won't solve the problem. Although maybe you should tell her how you feel about it...and if that doesn't work try taking it to a counselor who can really help you with your problems. Your mom may be angry at you for a time, but she will thank you later when her life is back on track and she isn't relying on a man she doesn't even know personally. Maybe you can even try to help hook her up with someone that you know is a good person? She could start dating them and forget all about that guy on the net.
 
I was wacthing something on tv a while back that talked about this and they said that if you suspect someone of this that you should contact a local support group that can get help you deal with this and maybe even give you a way to contact a professional who could help you. I would do a search on the net for help when it comes to this addiction. I hope this works out for you and your mom.
 
awww I'm sorry you're having problems Dru.

My personal advice would be to tell her to go meet this guy- that might make her face reality. from being in an internet relationship- and we broke up because I wasn't prepared to risk going to meet him- it might make her face reality a little

Perhaps you could confide in one of her close friends and ask her to talk to your mum?

Just a few suggestions

*massive hugs*
 
Thanks for all the advice. You're really supportive 🙂

I've found out about that at the beginning of December and have confronted her with it. She told me that she was ashamed and had therefore lied about this. She also said that it was quite unreal for her and that she didn't really want this. Then she told me she would terminate all contact to him.

I found out just before christmas that she still wrote him and they were still in love. I confronted her with it and she became really agressive and ... well, mean. I've never seen her like this. I was afraid of her - of my own mother.

She's then told me several times that she blocked his e-mails and has no contact to him any more. I've found out that she's been lying again.

I've talked to her but she just won't listen, so I've given up and just told her to come to me whenever she wanted to talk. She never did, even though there were many opportunities.

And yes, I've talked to the guy as well, but it seems he's lost all sense of reality, talking about Arwen being much older than Aragorn as well... It's just no use.

I've been thinking talking her into meeting him as Becky suggested too. I am hoping that that will open both their eyes when they have to go through situations like having to face each other and being together in everyday situations.

She's also been to a psychotherapist a while ago because she has had a lot of stress at work. I have also tried to talk her into going there again, hoping that they would talk about the internet guy as well, but she's just not listening to anything I say to her any more...
 
do you have any brothers or sisters you could confide in? because it sounds like you also need to take care of you also because you're clearly the hurt one *hugs* it must be the lies that hurt more than the actual guy thing...? have you explained how much this upsets you?
 
You're quite right, Becky. I am absolutely upset by having been lied to all the time. I'm really hurt. And yes, I have told her, but she just said I was being injust to her and wanted her to be unhappy.

I have no brothers or sisters, no. And I live about 800 km away from her. I can talk to my boyfriend about it but he is quite upset about the whole thing as well, and can't really help...

I've thought about talking with my father about it. (My mom and he have been divorced for almost 20 years now, were friends for a long time, then they didn't talk to each other for about 2 years and now they are on ... well, speaking terms again.) But I'm afraid it will make the whole thing worse. 🙁
 
*hugs* I think maybe you should talk to your Dad not so much for your mum but also for *you* as well. Just to get your feelings out there. Also he may suggest a way to help
 
Sadly this is most likely one of those situations where no amount of talking to her is going to make her realize. She has to make the mistake on her own probably. Just make sure that other people know, and can help keep her out of a potentially dangerous situation. Even though it's a long shot, still try to talk to her anyway. Maybe she could meet the guy, with other people around for safety, never let her go alone, to see that it's all fake. Maybe it can bring her back to reality.
 
I can't offer you advice for this situation, but I can tell you that you are not alone, Dru, honwy 🙁

I have had something similar to this happen to me not once, but THREE TIMES.

The first time was my father. His marriage to my mother was rather tumultuous, (I had an INSANE childhood), so it didn't surprise me when he started to make friends online. I understood. But slowly, it became too much. Suddenly, his entire day consisted of work (which was with computers, so who knows, he coulda been chatting there as well), come home, and go on the internet. He wouldn't even say hi anymore-to me or my brother. Even one day, he didn't even notice a HUGELY violent fight between me and my mother. He did nothing to help me-that was never like him, so I got suspicious. I knew all of his friends on-line, because I visited the same chatroom. One day, after he left for work, I decided to do a little investigating. In his saved chat files, I found a few conversations. He was having an internet affair! And when I tried to confront him about it, he got REALLY frighteningly angry. A week later, he ran off to Canada to meet the woman. They are now married. In actuality, the woman is quite nice. and he is happier than he was, so I am happy for him. But unfortunately, the ordeal damaged my relationship with my father, and we have never been quite right since then.

My sister has now also been behaving the same way. She recently discovered that she was a lesbian, so she's been hanging out in these chats and stuff, and she got involved with the sweetest girl! She's really great. only problem lies in my sister's reaction to the new relationship. We used to talk at least twice a week and hang out once a week, and now I barely talk to her once a month-it's like she discovered this new world and now I'm not important anymore. And, of course, when I try to call her on it, she has no idea what I am talking about.

My mother is dating a man who has never let her set foot in his apartment. they've been together for over two years, so you can see how this behavior is a little strange. She is only allowed to beep him-NEVER call him at home, and when she was rushed to the hospital this Monday, he didn't come to see her until Wednesday! What's up with that? And of course, every time I tell her that (I say it nicer than this) he's proabably got a whole nother family at home, she FLIPS! Who's not allowed to call their boyfriend at their house? It's ridiculous.

The best advice I can offer you is to let things take their course. It's the best way to allow your relationship with your mother to survive. Whatever she says now, she will come to you when she needs you.

I hope I helped you to feel as though you weren't alone, because I know that's one of the hardest parts of situations like that.

Good luck.
 
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