The Long Way Home
XANDER: “Xander”, Renee, I told you, it’s “Xander” or “Sergeant Fury”.
RENEE: Wasn’t Nick Fury a *colonel* when he ran S.H.I.E.L.D.?
XANDER: I like him better in the “Howling Commando” days. But your nerd points are accumulating impressively.
RENEE: I try, Sergeant.
**
DAWN: I could swat you like a flea.
BUFFY: Your butt looks big in those giant pants.
**
BUFFY: No, no, I can’t go outside, I’m afraid of the dark.
XANDER: Buffy, you *are* the dark.
BUFFY: That’s what I meant.
XANDER: This lint is so Scottish.
**
XANDER: Say it with me now: Fe Fi Fo…
And outside, we see Dawn towering over Amy. Dawn’s face is grinning and mean, and her sneaker is already hovering over Amy as the witch turns up in fear.
DAWN: … ****ing fum.
**
XANDER: There’s funny bonhomie happening and I want in!
BUFFY: No… ahh… ahh… girl thing.
XANDER: Girl thing? With girl parts? Now I really need to know!
WILLOW: Slow year, Xan?
XANDER: Oh, I’m getting *plenty* of action, Elphaba. I’m Action Jackson.
**
BUFFY: Yes sir Mister Watcher sir.
XANDER: I’ll Watcher your *butt*, lady.
BUFFY: Your grammar is not so much.
No Future For You
FAITH: Sorry, I… I don’t like getting pawed at. Not unless I paw first.
GILES: Duly noted.
**
XANDER: Fear my awesome power! For lo, like Kurt Russell before me, I am a formidable eyepatch-clad opponent. And lest you think I refer to Captain Ron, let me assured you that the one-eyed character of which I speak is none other than the mighty Snake Plissken, who taught me the very ass-handing I’m about to deliver unto you.
BUFFY: (entering the room) Careful, Xander, you’re going to taunt that poor bag right off its chain.
XANDER: BUFFY!
**
WILLOW: No one’s trying to lecture you, Dawn, but none of my spells are going to shrink you like a cotton sweater until I know exactly what mojo your loverboy used. And speaking of clothes, have you been wearing the same outfit ever since you… blossomed?
**
WILLOW: Not killing humans is what separates us from the bad guys.
BUFFY: No, not being *bad* is what separates us from the bad guys.
**
(NARRATION) FAITH: Whenever she’s [Buffy] around, you’re [Faith] the villain. But as soon as she’s gone, you’re the hero.
**
(NARRATION) FAITH: But I don’t know. Dude [The Mayor] may have been a bit of a snake… but he wasn’t a dog.
**
In a close-up, we see Giles’ cell phone. He apparently heard or felt it, and the display shows the caller ID – “WILLOW MOBILE”.
GILES: (to himself) Speaking of witch…
**
GILES: Actually, given your most recent performance, I was envisioning more of a partnership between equals. We could perform those peacekeeping missions ill suited to others in our line of work. Maybe I could be the Steed to your Peel?
FAITH: God, I hope that’s not as gross as it sounds.
