Five Minute Parodies - Angel Season 5

[Colin Xavier]

A Spoof on season five's opener. More episodes to come..... Please review!

Conviction

Vampire: You will be made into a vampire.... or not. Resistance is futile.
Cliché Blonde: Please! I'll do anything!
Vampire: You could scream.
Cliché Blonde: AIEEEEEE!
Vampire: I love it when they scream.
Angel: Yeah? Well, I don't! (BAM!)

Cliché Blonde: You saved me!
Angel: You know what? I shouldn't have.
Cliché Blonde: Huh?
Angel: You really, really hurt my super-sensitive hearing, you know that?!
Cliché Blonde: I'm sorry....
Angel: You should be! Oh, and by the way, you're safe now yada yada yada..... now if I can just get home without anymore loud....
W&H Employees Cars: (Sscccreeeeech!!!)
W&H Employees: Mr Angel! Mr Angel! Mr Angel!
Angel: AARGHH! Kill! Murder! Maim!
Photographer: Ooh, that's the stuff baby, just the image you need to... HELP!


Fred: Ha! Ha! Ha! The power my lab can create!
Gunn: Oooh, what does this button do?
Fred: No! Don't....
BOOM!

Fred: He blew up the lab! He blew up the lab!
Wesley: Tsk, tsk, awful! What did you ever see in him?
Fred: The lab! The lab! That dolt!
Wesley: Perhaps you should set your sights on someone smarter, you know like....
Fred: Knox!
Wesley: I was actually referring to....
Knox: Hello, one and all!
Wesley: Oh, it's you.
Fred: Go ahead, insult me on going nineteen days without blowing up the lab.
Knox: Yeah, it was a record.
Fred: You don't have to be insulting.
Wesley: Exactly, you're fired.
Knox: No, I meant that nineteen days is the longest anyones gone without blowing up the lab, when they're new. You're like, the champion.
Fred: Oh, that's so sweet!
Wesley: You're still fired.

Gunn: Whoa, mountains.
Wesley: But why can't I fire Knox?
Gunn: I don't know.
Wesley: You don't know anything.
Gunn: I resent that!
Wesley: What are going to do? Hit me?
Gunn: Maybe I will!
Angel: Hey you guys, know what happened to me last night?
Gunn: Yes.
Angel: Oh great, does everybody know? Is there an invisible camera following me around, telling the world what I'm doing every second of every minute of every hour of every day?! Is that it? Huh? Is it? Is it?
Wesley: He thinks the world revolves around him.
Gunn: Wait, aren't we flat?

Angel: Hey you, random employee.
Random employee: Er... me?
Angel: You know everything about me, don't you? They must have told you everything there is to know. You must have giggled real hard when you found out I can't perform. You probably got together with the other employees behind my back, called me Mr. Impotent and laughed “ha ha ha”.
RE: Actually sir, I don't care about your personal life at all.
Angel: Huh.... that was so mean.
RE: Uh, I'm sorry?
Angel: No, its not your fault. You're just evil.
RE: I am?
Angel: You all are! Everybody in this building is! And I'm going to kill every one of them! Starting with you! (BAM! BAM! BAM!)
RE: AAAAAAHHHH!

Gunn: Angel, we know because you were on the news last night.
Angel: I was? Why didn't anybody tell me?!
Gunn: I'm telling you now.
Angel: Geez Gunn, took your sweet time didn't you? I thought you were at least a little smarter than that, apparently I was wrong.
Gunn: Why you.... you will... all of you.... Duh!
Wesley: Oh quit your whining.
Gunn: Me? Quit MY whining? You are like the champion!
Wesley: Am not.
Gunn: Are too.
Wesley: Am not.
Gunn: Are too.
Angel: Yes folks, these are the smart mature individuals that are running Wolfram & Hart with me, I am oh so doomed.
Gunn: I remember something about a baby, betrayal and necks.
Wesley: Well, I seem to have forgotten all about that!
Angel: Yes he has, and I had nothing to do with that. Nothing at all, no siree bob.

Eve: I'll be your liaison to the senior partners.
Wesley: Okay, we got barbie-girl here, where's the ken-doll.
Eve: He got a better offer at a Boston firm.
Angel: Alright Eve, now get out. I have more important matters to attend to.

Angel: What do you mean we have no VCR's? Surely somebody recorded my TV spot.
RE: You just broke my front teeth!
Angel: So what? You evil types have dental insurance, suck it up. Now what about my VCR?
RE: Sir, We have Tivos now. It's all there at a push of a button.
Angel: So if I press this button... hey, its all gone!
RE: That was the “Delete all” button sir.
Angel: You're fired.
RE: Er, what sir?
Security: May we begin standard firing procedures?
Angel: Fine, just get him out of here.
RE: Standard fining..... NO! NO!
Angel: Yes yes, I know. I was a great boss to work with and you'll hate to leave.
RE: Don't take me away! Have mercy! Mercy!
Angel: The pain will ease with time.

Gunn: Everybody thinks I'm dumb.
Eve: Yes, everybody thinks you're dumb.
Gunn: How dare you say such a thing?!
Eve: Look, how about we make you smart? That'll teach them a lesson.
Gunn: Smart? Yeah! Lets do this! Where're the books?!
Eve: You really are a piece of work aren't you?

Angel: (Picks up phone) Hello? (Presses) can I get some coffee?
RE: AAAHHHH! (Crashes into office, completely in flames) AAAHHHH! (Jumps out window)
Angel: (Puts down phone) I'm never touching that phone again.

Harmony: I'm your new secretary.
Angel: Out with the stakes! It's evil Harmony!
Wesley: No, no, I hired her.
Angel: Out with the stakes! It's evil Wesley!

Angel: Okay, you two are not evil, except for her, no offense.
Harmony: None taken.
Angel: I'm just glad since this is a Buffyverse season premiere, there won't be any end of the world type nonsense.
Corben Fries: If you lawyers don't do a better job defending me, I'll release my deadly virus and destroy the world!
Harmony: Shouldn't we stop Angel from banging his head against the wall?
Wesley: It's better if you get used to it.

Angel: But he's a evil son of scum! Why can't I hit him?
Wesley: Because he might commit mass genocide.
Angel: Uh huh, so you're saying I should kill him? I like it.
Wesley: Angel, don't argue with my infallible logic. You may hit Spanky if you wish.
Angel: Spanky?
Wesley: Yes, he's.....
Angel: I don't care who he is!

Spanky: Why are you hitting me?!
Angel: Shut up and talk!

Fred: So Knox, are you evil?
Knox: .......
Fred: Knox?
Knox: Say something, say anything. Words... Just words.. any words will do!....... We've contained more plagues than we've spread!
Fred: You've spread plagues?!
Knox: Banana Hammock, always use banana hammock.

Spanky: There, I've told you everything. Can I go now?
Angel: His son?! You put it in his son?!! I'll kill you!
Spanky: Mommy!

Knox: La la la! Laaaaaaaaa! La la la!
Fred: Are you absolutely, positively, without a doubt, sure that he's clean?
Loren: Yes, I'm sure! I think.

Angel Okay people, lets move! Fred, I want you to contain this thing if it gets out.
Fred: Already on it.
Angel Wesley, Take this gun and shoot Fries if he's found guilty.
Wesley: Right.
Angel: Lorne, Take this gun and shoot Wesley, if he misses.
Wesley: I'm not going to miss!
Angel: Now you have incentive.

Harmony: Angel!
Angel: Silence woman!
Harmony: But...
Angel I said, be quiet!
Harmony: The assault team has gone to kill the son!
Angel: Wha? Next time you delay information like that, you're fired! Now I've got to hurry! Hmm..... which car should I take?
Harmony: Boss?
Angel: What?

Agent H: Kill all the kids! Go! Go! Go!
Agent D: Hey! There aren't any kids here! Just a big fat one.
Angel: I got a helicopter! What do you have?
Agent H: Big, shiny, guns..... fire!

Lorne: It's nearly over, make sure you don't miss.
Wesley: You know, it'll be easier to concentrate if you didn't point that gun at me.
Lorne: What? You want me to miss?!

Gunn: Charles Gunn!....... Charles Gunn, Charles Gunn, Charles Gunn.
Judge: What is the meaning of this?!
Gunn: Your honor, I'm Charles Gunn.
Judge: So I've heard.
Gunn: Legal blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah blah.
Judge: O my gosh! You're right. I declare this trial, a mistrial.
Lorne: What just happened?
Wesley: We won.
Lorne: Like I'm going to fall for that!

Agent H: You slimy fraking little son of a blatch!
Angel: Little? Little?!
Agent H: I'll kill you!
Angel: Aren't we going to have a talk about conviction and mercy first?
Agent H: Aaah!
(BAM!)
Agent H: (Drops dead)
Angel: Guess not.

Angel: How dare you experiment on my people, behind my back?!
Gunn: Hey, I'm okay. Besides....
Angel: Quiet Gunn! This doesn't concern you.
Eve: Gunn did the procedure on his own free will, and while I'm on the subject, might I remind you about your own deal regarding mind......
Angel: All right already!

Angel: Alright, I've had it with being negative! From now on, I'll be the uber-positive type person. We do the job, one thing at a time. We'll deal with whatever comes next, positively.
(BANG! Swirling smoke)
Angel: Why is the universe against me?!!
Spike: Aaaaaaarrrrr!!!
Wesley: Spike?
Angel: Spike!
Harmony: Blondie Bear?!

 

[nerd4hire]

OK, that was fun. :lmao:

 

[VisionGuy]

They were funny. You did a good job.

 

[Parsel Deletriu]

I really liked this one 😀:

Angel Okay people, lets move! Fred, I want you to contain this thing if it gets out.
Fred: Already on it.
Angel Wesley, Take this gun and shoot Fries if he's found guilty.
Wesley: Right.
Angel: Lorne, Take this gun and shoot Wesley, if he misses.
Wesley: I'm not going to miss!
Angel: Now you have incentive.

 

[Schillaci]

I'm a bit blah about the rest of it, but this one thing made me laugh out loud.

Harmony: I'm your new secretary.
Angel: Out with the stakes! It's evil Harmony!
Wesley: No, no, I hired her.
Angel: Out with the stakes! It's evil Wesley!

 

[Angel's vision]

LMAO! please just keep writing this is just quality!

 

[Old Master 3.0]

Pretty damn funny. Nice job. Keep it going. :: tu ::

 

[Colin Xavier]

Chapter two - Just Rewards

A big thanks to everyone who reviewed! I really appreciate it. Sorry for the delay. Here's chapter two.

Just Rewards

Spike: Aarr!
Harmony: Blondie bear! I mean, what the hell are you doing here Spike?!
Fred Spike who?
Lorne Easy, we won't hurt you.
Spike: Angel? Arrgh! Kill! Murder! Maim!
Angel: Out with the stakes! It's evil Spike!
Gunn: Charge!
Lorne: Or maybe we will.


Angel: Did you try to stake me?!!
Gunn: No! This stake just went through him! Honest!
Angel: A likely story! BAM!
Gunn: Aaahh!
Spike: (Swings) Take that! (Swings) And that!

Fred: Who is that?
Harmony: My ex.
Fred: Why are we trying to kill your ex?
Harmony: Because he's a vampire.
Fred: Oh.... why aren't we trying to kill you?
Harmony: You should because..... hey!

Wesley: William the Bloody, one of the most deadly vampires of all time.
Angel: Ah-hem!
Wesley: The second most deadly vampire of all time, and who now is a ghost.
Spike: Hey! I'm no bleedin' ghost!
Wesley: Then why are you sticking out of a desk?
Spike: That's obvious, somethings wrong with your desk!

Fred: Spike is a trekno blah, blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah.
Spike: What'd she say?
Wesley: She said, trekno blah, blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah.
Spike: Oh.

Fred: In short, you are a ghost. Deal with it.
Spike: What?!! But I don't wanna be a ghost! (Starts stomping feet) I don't wanna! I don't wanna!
Angel: Stop being so childish.
Wesley: Spike is also stuck here for that matter.
Angel: What?!! But I don't want Spike here! I don't wanna! I don't wanna!

Gunn: People! We have a problem! I can't kill Spike.
Spike: Indeed, (To Gunn) So sorry for your loss.
Gunn: You evil soulless thing.
Harmony: Hello? I'm right here.
Gunn: Oh.... sorry.
Harmony: It's okay.
Spike: What are you people on about? I have a soul! Or didn't captain forehead here tell you?
All: Huh?!!
Harmony: You have a soul?! How yucky and gross!
Angel: Hey!
Harmony: Sorry boss.
Spike: Oh, I suppose he didn't tell you that I saved the world.
All: Huh?!!
Wesley: Angel?
Angel: Didn't seem worth mentioning.
Spike: And while we're on revelations, I slept with Buffy! Many times!
All: Huh?!!
Harmony: You slept with the Slayer? How yucky and gross!
Angel: (Whiny) Hey!

Senior Partner 1: Gah! There's a second vampire with a soul.
Senior Partner 2: That's one too many! Vaporize the second!
Senior Partner 1: Right away!
Fred: Maybe the TPTB brought him back to aid us in some quest....
Spike: I hate you TPTB! I hate you! You suck! Go die or something!
Senior Partner 2 Wait!

Spike: (Goes poof)
SP 2: I said wait!
SP 1: I didn't do anything!

Spike: (Poof, appears)
Fred: Where'd you go?
Spike: This is all Angel's fault!
Gunn: You went into Angel?
Spike Coward! Coward!
Angel: Alright! That's it! (Leaves dramatically)
Spike: (Follows)
Angel: Dammit Spike! How can I make a dramatic exit if you follow me?!
Spike: That's the idea, chumpion.

Spike: Groxlar beast!
Angel: Huh?! Where?! Where?!
Spike: Ha ha, made you look.
Angel: Oh, how clever.... not.
Spike: Oh, lighten up you big.... Groxlar beast!
Angel: Like I'm going to fall for that again.
GB: Gar! (Bang!)
Spike: Don't say I didn't warn you.

Angel: How did a Groxlar beast get past security?!!
Spike: Look out folks! Angel's mad!
Angel: Are they on strike?! Because if they are, they're all fired!
Spike: He's going to go to his office and sign a bunch of papers! Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Harmony: Er.... boss? That was your 3'o clock.
Angel: A meeting with Groxlar's? They eat babies!
Spike: What? And you haven't?
Angel: Harmony, I'm holding you personally responsible for this fiasco!
Spike: Eeny meeny mini mo, the blame goes to you.
Angel: Harmony, shut up!
Spike: I'm so unwanted.
Harmony: Boss! I protest!
Angel: Protest all you want, I'm just not listening.
Gunn: Somebody killed the Groxlar?!
Angel: It was all her fau....
Gunn: What a fantastic negotiating tactic!
Angel: Er.... my idea.

Gunn: I've terminated 48 employees in the past two days.
Angel: Two days? Hasn't it been one afternoon?
Gunn: You know you're right. Weird.
Angel: Spike. I'm holding you personally responsible for this.
Spike: What?! Why you over bloated....
Angel: Enough, I have spoken.
Spike: I bow to your greater stupidity.

RE2 : How dare you shut down grave robbing?! How dare you?!
Angel: Kill him.
Gunn: But he's human.
Angel I'm sure we can afford one... mistake.


Urinals:

Spike: Not so hard big boy, we don't need an accidental discharge, that'll cause you to go all soulless now, do we?
Angel: I don't do that.
Spike: Everybody says they don't do that.
Angel: I'm trying to pee!
Spike: Vampires don't pee!
Angel: We don't?
Spike: Do we?
Angel: Er...
Spike: Push harder, see if anything happens.
Angel: All right.
Gunn: Huh? What the?
Spike: Not now Gunn, we're busy.
Gunn: I don't want to know....

Wesley: Angel, going to the monthly blood drive?
Angel: Huh? W&H does some good? Lets go.
Announcer: And now, our speaker, on the importance of donating blood.
Vampire: Blood is totally delicious! I'm too lazy to hunt.
Wesley: Shut down the blood drive?
Angel: Oh yeah.

Harmony: RE 2 is back from Hainsley.
Angel: Sheesh, I wish he were dead.
Harmony: Funny you should say that.

Angel: How dare Hainsley?!! Nobody kills my employees but me!
Gunn: I hope you're not going over there to pound him to a pulp.
Angel: No Gunn, I'm going there to dazzle him with superior intellect.
Gunn: Good.
Angel: Then I pound him to a pulp.

Angel: Hainsley!
Hainsley: Behold! My power over the dead!
Angel: Arrgh!
Hainsley: But the senior partners would have my skin if I killed you, so....
Angel: Okay, that's it! (Flicks mobile) Gunn, do it.
Hainsley: And what was that?!
Angel: I just froze all your assets, even this house. You have nothing.
Hainsley: What??!
Angel: Behold! My power over the living!

Spike: That's how you're going to fight the forces of evil now?
Angel: I wish you were gone.
Spike: (Vanishes)
Angel: Huh?
SP 1: I'm getting a little nervous now about his wishing.
SP2 : Coincidence, pure coincidence.

Hainsley: I want you to help me kill Angel. Here are my reason for doing so.... ahem, reason 1:
Spike: I'll help you kill Angel.
Hainsley: Nice boy.
Angel: I wish there was a way to get rid of Spike.
Wesley: If we break the amulet then Spike is gone, but we must proceed cautiously and understand the consequences.
Angel: Yes! Where's my hammer?! It's amulet smashing time.

Angel: This thing broke my hammer!
Wesley: The amulet can only be destroyed on hollowed ground.
Angel: Fine, cemetery it is then.
Wesley: Maybe you should sleep on it.
Angel: Sleep on the amulet? Will that work?

Angel: ZZZZZZZZZ........
Spike: Hey! Wake up!
Angel: Die! Potential assassin! (Waves pillow)
Spike: It's me, Spike.
Angel: See, I was right.

Spike: All right, heres the cemetery.
Angel: Say, are you leading me into a trap?
Spike: Uh, why would you say that?
Angel: Hainsley here!
Spike: You're imagining things.

Angel: Spike! You traitor!
Spike: Traitor? I was never on your side!
Angel: Oh, right.
Hainsley: I've never installed someone in a living body before, this is going to be painful.
Spike: Yeah, me in Angel's body? Eww! But beggars can't be choosers.
Hainsley: I was talking to Angel.

Hainsley: Something is wrong! Aaahh!
Angel: Fight time! Me against the helpless old man. I like these odds!

Angel: (Bang) (Bang)
Hainsley: (Crash) (Crash)
Angel: (Bang) (Bang)
Hainsley: (Crash)
Angel: Victory is min.....
Hainsley: (Bang) (Bang)
Angel: (Crash) (Bang) (Slice)
Spike: Oh, balls.
Angel: That was you hitting me?!!
Spike Last bit, yeah.
Angel: (Mean face)
Spike: Oh come on, get over yourself.
Angel: (Meaner face)

Wesley: Next time, Spike should share his plan with us first.
Angel: Spike, share? Don't be naive


Spike: Fred, you need to help me. I'm slipping to hell.
Fred: Why should I help you?
Spike: Because, I'm a good guy, who saved the world.
Fred You're a good guy, but you're going to hell?
Spike: Don't change the subject!

Angel: I wish all the Senior Partners would die!
SP 1: Gah!
SP 2 : Don't be such a wimp.
Angel: did it work?
Eve: No it didn't.
Angel: Okay, next order of business.
Eve: A vampire is here, demanding to know why you shut down the blood drive.
Angel: He he, send him right in.

 

[StuckinTraffic]

God I love this one........HIlarious!

Wesley: Oh quit your whining.
Gunn: Me? Quit MY whining? You are like the champion!
Wesley: Am not.
Gunn: Are too.
Wesley: Am not.
Gunn: Are too.
Angel: Yes folks, these are the smart mature individuals that are running Wolfram & Hart with me, I am oh so doomed.
Gunn: I remember something about a baby, betrayal and necks.
Wesley: Well, I seem to have forgotten all about that!
Angel: Yes he has, and I had nothing to do with that. Nothing at all, no siree bob.

 

[definition of insane]

:lmao:

Very brilliant...very funny! Many kudos to you! 😀

 

[Angel's vision]

Angel: Dammit Spike! How can I make a dramatic exit if you follow me?!
Spike: That's the idea, chumpion.

Angel: Hainsley!
Hainsley: Behold! My power over the dead!
Angel: Arrgh!
Hainsley: But the senior partners would have my skin if I killed you, so....
Angel: Okay, that's it! (Flicks mobile) Gunn, do it.
Hainsley: And what was that?!
Angel: I just froze all your assets, even this house. You have nothing.
Hainsley: What??!
Angel: Behold! My power over the living!

LMAO! They are the best bits!

 

[Colin Xavier]

Chapter Three - Unleashed

Thanks a lot for the responses! They are very much appreciated. Here is the next installment. Enjoy!

Unleashed:

Wesley: My secret plan for a fake picnic is a success!
Angel: Hey, where's the food?
Fred: Too successful, if you ask me.

Angel: What do you mean we have no food?!
Wesley: Angel, this is a secret meeting to discuss our situation with Wolfram & Hart. Without anybody spying on us.
Senior Partners: They're so cute when they think they're alone.
Angel: Still, how hard would it have been to bring a picnic basket? I'm so hungry.... I could vamp out and bite you.
Wesley: But you won't, because you're a good vampire with a soul.
Angel: That, and your blood is the worst I've ever tasted in my entire life.

Angel: Hark, did you hear that?
Wesley: What?
Angel: Give me a weapon.
Wesley: Er......
Angel: I'm not going to attack you!
Wesley: Give me one good reason why I should trust you.
Angel: GIVE ME A WEAPON OR I'LL DISLOCATE YOUR BONES!
Wesley: Good reason. Here, take my pen.
Angel: A pen? Oh, I get it. This is one of those new-fangled top secret laser-weapon pen isn't it? Thanks. (Runs Off)
Fred: That isn't really a laser pen is it?
Wesley: I didn't say it was.

Werewolf: GARG!
Nina: AIEEEEEEEE!
Angel: I really need some earplugs.

Angel: Prepare to die! (Click) (Click) Hey! This isn't a laser pen! WESLEY!
Werewolf: GARG!
Angel: Could you wait awhile? I need to kill someone else first.
Werewolf: GARG!
Angel: Guess not.

Werewolf: GAAAAAAAAA.............
Angel: There, that's that. By the way you're safe now yada yada.........
Car: (Speeds off)
Angel: Hey! I wasn't finished!

Angel: All right people! I want that girl found now! And where the hell is Wesley?!
Gunn: I have no idea (Points under the table)
Angel: Gunn, why are you pointing under the table?
Wesley: Thanks Gunn, thanks a lot

Nina: Arrr! I'm an evil werewolf and I'm going to eat my niece!
Angel: And I'm the hero who's going to stop you! ......Er,...... Could you invite me in?
Nina: You can't come in? How lame.
Angel: Hey you! Werewolf's niece! Invite me in!
Niece: My Aunt told me never to talk to strangers.
Angel: Fine, go die already. See if I care.
Nina: Good (Grabs Niece)
Angel: GET YOUR HANDS OFF THAT GIRL!!!

Wesley: So you got the werewolf, what happened?
Angel: I cut my thumb off and threw it at Nina. She ate it, turned a shade of blue, threw up and then attacked me because I tasted so bad. Next time, you're going to the house not me.
Wesley: I get it, you want me to break into the house right?
Angel: No, I'm going to use you as bait.

Random Employee 3: There all finished, I used a special adhesive-coated substance to piece together your skin to.....
Angel: You reacttached my finger with duct tape?!!
Random Employee 3: Er...... Yes?
Angel: What kind of doctor are you?!!
Random Employee 3: A bad one, I am however an excellent Janitor.
Angel: Janitor?? ......WESLEY!!!

Nina: Huh?!! Where am I?!
Angel: Good you're awake, now listen carefully.... You're safe now yada yada yada and thank you for letting me finish.
Nina: Safe? SAFE?!! Says the psycho rapist!
Angel: Hey! I haven't been a psycho rapist in a long time! You take that back!

Fred: Then what happened?
Angel: I er.... showed her the video.
Fred: And then?
Angel: And then she believed me.
Fred: And....
Angel: All right, I suppose telling her that we could have faked the video wasn't the smartest thing I ever did.

Fred: Okay, we're taking you home.
Nina: What's with all the security?
Fred: Oh don't mind them they're not here for you.
Nina: Really? Well okay then. I'll just.......BOO!
All: GAAAHHHHH!

Angel: (Sulking)
Gunn: Hello? Boss? (Snaps fingers)
Angel: What?
Gunn: It's just that you seem far away.
Angel: That's silly, I'm right here.
Gunn: I was actually referring to your emotional...
Angel: Knock it off smarty-pants and go do your job.
Gunn: Well fine, I'll just *go* out of my office and do my job elsewhere. (Leaves)
Angel: You do that, I'm going to stay here for the rest of day and mope, nothings making me move.
Lorne: Er.... Angel?
Angel: Scram!
Lorne: Fine, just wanted to tell you that Gunn locked himself in your office and placed "Charles Gunn" on the door. (Leaves)
Angel: Big deal, see if I care...... (Jumps) He did what?!

Fred: Now remember we need to be back before dusk.
Nina: So then why am I leaving? I mean this feels like some kind of set-up for an ambush.
Fred: Don't be silly, that's crazy.
Ambushers: You called?
Fred: Crap. Security deal with this situation!
Security: At once, ahem.....HELP! HELP! We're under attack!
Fred: Double crap.

Nina: Let me go!
Abductors: (Silent)
Nina: You people suck! At least Angel talked to me.
Abductors: (Silence)
Nina: All right, lets play a game. I will be released unless you voice an objection.
Abductors: (Silence)
Nina: Whooo Hooo! I'm free!
Abductors: (Start dousing her with water)
Nina: (Cough) Blub (Cough) Blub.......All right, let me rephrase the rules of this game.

Royce: Jesses girl! I want ......
Lorne: KILL HIM!
Security NO 1: At once! (Security Drags Doctor away)
Angel: Kill him? Why? Is he an informer?
Lorne: Didn't you hear what he did to that song?.
Angel: (Sighs) Security, delay that last order.
Security: Oh oh, ....delay?
Angel: Is there a problem?
Security: (Sweating) No sir.

Angel: Are you all right?
Royce: I seem to vaguely recall dying and talking to some whacko Reaper and then I felt my soul reenter my body.
Angel: You're imaging things, now I want a full report on the people who might want to kidnap a Werewolf. I don't know why I'm asking you instead of Wesley and I don't care.
Royce: Fine, but in a second. I need to go and rinse out my mouth, when I woke up one of your security had his mouth on mine, It was awful.

Royce: Here is a list of all the people that could have been involved in the kidnapping.
Angel: Good good...... Uh.... This is the phone book.
Royce: I'm very through in my research.

Spike: (Walking)
Fred: Spike!
Spike: (Walks into Royce's office)
Fred: Spike!
Spike: (Walks through the wall)
Fred: (Bang!) ............ Note to Self: Fred, you cannot walk through walls.

Royce: Were you looking for me?
Fred: No, I was just following Spike and what is that?!
Royce: What? what?
Fred: This hideous lamp! (Grabs lamp)
Royce: Oh that, I thought you were referring..... never mind.
Fred: Don't mind me as I gently maneuver behind you.
Royce: No problem.
Fred: And don't mind me as I smash your head in.
Royce: No problem.... er... what? (BANG!)

Gunn: Yep Calendula, he must have known we'd want to him to sing.
Wesley: Lorne, a stupid plant can throw off your readings?
Lorne: Uh...... That's a very rare plant!
Gunn: No its not.
Lorne: Oh look, its mister-I-know-everything. No offense.
Gunn: None taken.

Angel: All right, heres how its going to work: I will hit you, then I will hit you some more, then you will start crying and screaming for your mommy at which point I'll hit you to shut you up, and then you will write on this piece of paper where Nina is being kept.
Royce: Why don't I tell you where she is right now?
Angel: Where's the fun in that?

Angel: I found out where she is, its on this piece of paper.
Gunn: Here look at this menu.
Angel: Darn it Gunn! I'm not hungry right now!

Host: My guests, prepare for a Werewolf dinner.
Guest: Werewolf? I thought we were having leprechauns!
Host: Security, grab him. He'll make a fine desert.
Security: Sir?
Host: Well of course he won't, I just wanted to say that.

The Angel Team: (Crashes in)
Host: You Vampire! I didn't invite you in!
Angel: Yeah, I just love it when I get to break that rule.

Angel: Don't worry Nina, I'll save you!
Nina: No!
Angel: Darn it Nina! I'm the hero, you're the damsel in distress! That's the way the game's played.
Security: Shall we target them with our guns now sir?
Host: No, wait until he frees her.
Security: Why?
Host: How should I know? I'm not writing the script.

Nina: Leave me! Let them choke on me!
Wesley: Worse case of Stockholm Syndrome I've ever seen.

Angel: (Frees Nina)
Security: Now?
Host: Now.
Security: (Raises Guns)
The A Team: (Raises Guns)
Wesley: Seems like we have a stand-off.
Host: How observant of you, besides whats will all the guns? How very Firefly of you.

The A Team: Bang bang bam bang!
Security: Bang Bang Bang!
The A Team: Bang Bam Bang!
Security: Thud Thud Thud Thud.
Host: They don't make security teams like they used to.
Angel: Tell me about it.

Host: I want my Werewolf dinner! I want it! I want it!
Nina: (Bites Royce)
Royce: Oh no!
Host: Take him away.
Royce: No! NO!
Gunn: Didn't you hit her with a tranquilizer?
Wesley: Yes, I did.
Gunn: Then what??
Wesley: It's best if we don't think about it.

Fred: (Enters Office)
Spike: Boo.
Fred: Spike! Erm, thanks for Royce, you really helped.
Spike: What?
Fred: Wait, you didn't help me.
Spike: Hell, I'll take the credit if you want..... (laughs) Hell.
Fred: Hell?
Spike: Yeah, I saw it, felt it. Fire and brimstone and despair..... lots of hopeless despair... and the people... so many people....
Fred: You saw that?
Spike: Well no, but I'm GOING TO unless you help me!
Fred: All right, I'll help. I'll tell Angel.
Spike: I thought you said you were going to help me.

Angel: Look it's simple, if you separate yourself from the ones you love, you know like getting yourself eaten. The monster wins.
Nina: You make it sound so simple.
Angel: Well its not!
Nina: But you said...
Angel: Forget what I said and listen to what I'm saying!

Gunn: So Werewolf girl, think you have a shot.
Angel: She gave me a look.
Wesley: (Sighs) Worst case of Stockholm syndrome I've ever seen.

 

[VisionGuy]

LMAO! These are really funny. My favorite one was

Wesley: So you got the werewolf, what happened?
Angel: I cut my thumb off and threw it at Nina. She ate it, turned a shade of blue, threw up and then attacked me because I tasted so bad. Next time, you're going to the house not me.
Wesley: I get it, you want me to break into the house right?
Angel: No, I'm going to use you as bait.

Keep them coming. 🙂

 

[Angel's vision]

Angel: Prepare to die! (Click) (Click) Hey! This isn't a laser pen! WESLEY!
Werewolf: GARG!
Angel: Could you wait awhile? I need to kill someone else first.
Werewolf: GARG!
Angel: Guess not.

That was the best along side Wesley's "worst case of stokholms syndrome i ever saw"
LOL

 

[Colin Xavier]

Chapter Four: Hellbound

Hi Guys, sorry for the long wait. But I just couldn't find the time, stupid dang job!

Hellbound.

Spike: Fred! I'm slipping to hell! You've got to help me! And haven't we had this conversation?!
Fred: Stop being such a drama queen.
Spike: Fred, I am fading away. I am fading away as we speak! Aaaahhh!
Fred: Falling through the floor? Useless attention hound.

Spike: Help! I'm falling through floors! Aaaahhhhhhh! (Bang!).............. Help, I smashed against a particular floor for no reason whatsoever....... and ouch.

Spike: Hey basement guy, can you point me to......
Basement Guy: Excuse me while I terrify you by slicing my fingers off.
Spike: Aaaaahhhhh!
Basement Guy: Yes! Scream in terror!
Spike: How dare you taunt that delicious finger blood in my face! Don't you have any decency? Any compassion? Huh? Huh? Do you? Huh?
Basement Guy: (Vanishes)
Spike: Hey! Where's the blood?!

Lorne: (On the phone) No sweetie, a couple of pounds overweight is no problem! Bye bye now. (Ends call) You are oh so fired.....Hi Fred.
Fred: Silence! Fool!
Lorne: Huh? That was so mean! Excuse me while I go see a man about sleep.
Fred: Whatever, and out of my way! .... (Marches to Wesley's office) Wesley, here is a list of things I need by tomorrow morning, you better deliver them by tonight!
Wesley: I can get them in twenty minutes! Marvel at my efficiency!
Fred: Stop sucking up, you have only fifteen minutes!

Eve: Angel's calling you, Fred.
Fred: He's not the boss of me!
Eve: Ooookay, I'll go tell him that.
Fred: You do that, see if I care..................All right! I'm coming!

Angel: Fred, there are some......
Fred: Yes, what is it?! Spit it out! Don't dawdle!
Angel: What I mean to say is,we have some concerns....
Fred: We? Who is this we? Why am I not included?! Oh I see! You are all plotting against me! Traitors!
Angel: Look! Can I finish a sentence?!
Fred: Go ahead.
Angel: Good! Now..... Er............................... Eve?
Eve: Budget overruns.
Angel: Ah yes, budget overruns.... Fred I'm very concerned about....Wait a second..... Budget overruns? I don't care about that!
Eve: As CEO you have to care.
Angel: I didn't see that in my contract
Eve: You didn't read your contract.
Angel: How could I? Stupid lawyer gobbleledook
Eve: Still, you signed it. So you're the boss. Now deal with this problem.
Angel: Fine, Fred you run the ........
Fred: Science department.
Angel: Right, your department, your rules, spend as much as you like.
Eve: You can't do that!
Angel: I am Angel, I am the supreme master. My final decision is my....... final decision, which is the one...... we all will follow.
Eve: Good then, I can use the money to finally try and give Spike his body back.
Angel: You're what?! Okay that's it! I cut your budget by a hundred percent!
Fred: What?! You can't do that!
Angel: Enough! The supreme master has spoken. Dismissed! (Gets up and leaves his office)
Fred: Where did he go?
Angel: (Walks back inside)
Eve: Dismissed yourself boss?
Angel: Shut up and get out.

Unseen Ghosts: Whooooooooooooooooooooo
Spike: I am a Vampire! And I'm a ghost! These stupid tricks won't scare me!
Unseen Ghosts: Boo!
Spike: Yyyyyeeeeeaaaaarrrrrrhhhhh!

Spike: Angel! Please hel.....
Angel: Yeah?
Spike: Er, no I don't need any help. Piss off!
Angel: This is my office.
Spike: Oh.

Spike: So will we ever go to heaven?
Angel: Don't kid yourself, we'll never get there.
Spike: Fine, as long you don't get there.
Angel: No problem.
Spike: Angel?
Angel: Yeah?
Spike: I see dead people.

Spike: Ghosts!
All: Where?
Spike: Here, there, everywhere, hanging from the ceiling, disemboweled on the floor, eating barbecue fried fingers.
Gunn: Internal Security says there are no other ghosts here other than Spike.
Spike: Your Internal Security sucks donkey balls!
Gunn: Hey, how did you know that?
Angel: (To Gunn) What?! Donkeys?
Spike: Fred, I'm slipping.
Fred: Not the floor again.
Spike: No... I (Vanishes)

Angel: Red Alert!.... No wait, this is only Spike. Yellow Alert! Fred, go to the lab and try to figure this out.
Fred: On it.
Angel: Eve.
Eve: Boss.
Angel: Go away.
Eve: Aye captain.
Angel: Gunn, Wesley. Get security and round up all the donkeys, take them outside and shoot them.
Wesley: And Then?
Angel: Shoot Security.

Eve: Behold, I am a contributing member of the team and I have brought a psychic.
Psychic: Okay people, I feel a dark soul and YEEEEEAAARGHH!
Fred: Blood all on me, Eww.
Angel: Why o why didn't I sit there?
Gunn: She's dead.
Angel: Eve, I'm holding you personally responsible for this.
Eve: At least I tried.
Angel: Yes Eve,you tried, you always try, you're a very trying person. Did I ever tell you that?
Eve: Gee, thanks a lot.

Spike: Beautiful naked Fred taking a shower, (Looks down at himself) and I feel nothing (Sighs) Reaper come and take me, this life means nothing. What good is it if I can't (Waves hand, touches glass) feel????

Gunn: The Dark Soul, I found it!
Wesley: Who is it?
Gunn: Its..... Angel?
Angel: What? Gimme that.
Fred: Cross-reference with Reaper.
Angel: Reaper? Yes, I found it.
Wesley: How did you figure that?
Fred: Simple, I am much smarter than you mere simpletons and thats the only reason.

Reaper: Hello Spike, come out and play.
Spike: I'm done playing!
Reaper: Fine then, school is back in session. Remember there's a test later, so pay attention: Reality bends to desire.
Spike: Piss off
Reaper: Detention
Spike: AAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

Fred: I know how to bring Spike back but its going to take nuclear evil to make it happen.
Angel: Where do we get that?
Wesley: South Africa, I'll start the plane. (Leaves)
Gunn: Guys, you seem to be forgetting something.

Angel: The White Room? Next time, I'm listening to Wesley.
Gunn: Why do they call it that?
Angel: Because its white?

Angel: So what's the conduit now?
Gunn: It's okay, if you like cats.
Angel: I hate cats, despise them. Wish they all die.
Gunn: Er Angel.
Angel: It was an epic battle of nerves and steel, Destination: New York. Battlefield: An alleyway. Just starving old me, one mouse and an obnoxious fat ugly cat.
Gunn: Er.. Angel?
After a long bloody warfare, knocking over trash cans, shredding disposed furniture and slipping over wet drains, the cat caught the rat and devoured it before my very eyes as I labored to untangle my pants off of a rusty sofa nail. The cat purred a contented sigh, carefully chosen to taunt my very soul. It then lay on its back and fell asleep.
Gunn: Angel!
Angel: But I had the last laugh. You see, I ate it.
Conduit Cat: You What?!
Angel: Although, I did throw up about five minutes later. Still, I had won!
Conduit Cat: (To Gunn) I'll give you the power! Just get this murderer out of my sight!
Gunn: Yes Sir!

Reaper: Bored now, off to hell you go. Tra la la tra la la
Spike: No!
Reaper: You dare defy me?
Spike: Yes I do. Reality bends to desire right? Well guess what I what to do now?
Reaper: Okay, you want to..... wait that's not it. Maybe you would like to..... nah that's dumb.....Do I get three guesses?
Spike: Oh lets just fight.

Fred: Do you have it?
Gunn: Make it count, it said we're weren't getting anymore.
Angel: It talks? I didn't hear it talk.
Gunn: You weren't listening.
Fred: Okay, turning this thing on.

Reaper: I have felt a great disturbance in my force
Spike: (Punches Reaper then turns and runs)
Reaper: This won't do at all.

Fred: Spike step into the light! Er, not any light you may see on top of you, step into the light in this room and Wheez! (Starts choking)
Angel: No! Stop! (Bang!)
All: (Gets Thrown away)
Fred: Wheez!
Spike: (Enters)
Reaper: Multiple choice test boy, what will it be? The Girl or the flesh?
Spike: (Goes poof) (Poof appears next to Reaper) Class dismissed (Bang!)

Reaper: (Falls into the machine and gets transformed into Human) (The Machine explodes) NO! Defilers! Corrupters! I am the Supreme Master! (Bang! Angel sends a punch)
Angel: No you're not, thats me!

Spike: Don't kill him! I can't bear any more of his classes!
Angel: Oops.
Spike: You Idiot! Now he'll become more powerful than ever before!
Angel: Gunn, CPR Now!
Gunn: No way, I touching my lips on him!
Angel: Believe me Gunn, you don't have a choice.
Gunn: Dang, the things a brother has to do in this world.

Spike: All your resources and you couldn't build a spare?
Fred: Hey! We did our best! And if it wasn't for us you may as well have been thrown in hell.
Spike: True, so thanks for all you've done. I really appreciate it.
Fred: There are other things we could try but they're riskier.
Spike: Riskier than nuclear evil?

Reaper: (Alive and in a containment cell)
Angel: Will it hold him?
Eve: Most definitely.
Angel: (To Reaper) Congratulations, you get to live..(Mobile rings) Excuse me... This is Angel.
Wesley: Angel, I'm calling from South Africa, I'm on the top of the volcano and I'm going in.
Angel: What why?
Wesley: To get the evil nuclear fuel of course.
Angel: We already got that!
Wesley: You did?
Angel: And we already beat the Reaper.
Wesley: You did?
Angel: Yes, now get back here!
Wesley: Er, yes..... right away.
Angel: (Shuts off phone) (Then slams the door in the Reapers face) I'm in hell.
Eve: That you are boss.
Angel: (Glares at Eve then walks away) I am so in hell.