Friends Advice

[Fusions2]

Apologies if this shouldn't be here or anything but I could really do with some advice as right now I'm feeling extremely confused and actually hurt at the moment.

Basically what it is, is that I have a really good friend who I'd call my best friend and practically family who seems to one minute say she misses talking to me and is excited to catch up and the next... completely avoiding me. This last week for her has been hard as she lost a very dear pet and I completely understood that she wanted some time by herself to deal with it. Every day I've text her just to let her know I'm thinking of her and I'm around for when she wants to talk to me about it or have her mind taken off of it all. The thing is though before this all happened she was so open with me about it and I was listening and chatting to her about it and she really appreciated it. We were both discussing plans to do together in the New Year like go away for our birthdays and what not but now... Im getting the opposite.

Suddenly shes making plans with her friends from work all the time and seems to be hanging out with them at every given opportunity. I'm totally happy for her to hang out with other people but when I text her I get one reply and then she doesn't bother replying back to me. When she does reply it seems so short and almost moody and then I go on to Facebook and shes chatting to everyone else and its all happy and jolly. So why am I treated differently? This has happened before, last year after she split up with a guy who I was glad she got rid of as he was no good she avoided me then. It took well over 2 weeks for her to realise she had basically used me. This was after we had made up after not speaking for 3 months on basically the same issues. I was shut out and her new friends were the number ones in her life and everything we had done or did meant nothing to her.

I never thought in a million years I'd get this from her again, she makes so many promises and hopes but changes her mind when something goes wrong. Then when other things like family and friends go wrong she suddenly comes back to me again. All my life I've had a lot of friends do this to me and I never thought the one friend who I call family would keep doing this to me. I want to say something to her but I don't want to add to any of her stresses and grievances shes going through. So basically guys I need some help or advice.

Am I being too sensitive on this matter? Am I being paranoid and need to get a grip or is what I'm seeing and piecing together not on?

Help!

 

[Tasha]

Are you sure she's actually going out with her work friends?
Maybe she is just saying that?
Maybe she wants to be alone? mmmmmm. It sounds similar to someone i know, she always made excuses etc, because she was going through depression for 2 years.

I may be wrong. meh.

 

[Washburne]

I'm really sorry to hear this and I sincerely hope that I'm wrong but it sounds like you're the back-up. I've experienced something similar and finally I got tired of it and just moved on. But I'm paranoid so maybe you shouldn't listen too much to me. 😉 But if you're the back-up you're being used so that feeling is natural. Talking with her is probably the best idea but only if it's worth more or less losing the friendship all together. That doesn't have to be the case, it could fix a lot of the problems but it can also go the other way. And some people are rather the back-up friend than not friends at all. Everyone needs their space from time to time so of course it could be just that too but if it happens a lot you probably know the difference if you really think about it. Not much of an adivice but if you have made or talked about new years eve plans you could start with bringing that up to see where she stands on that. I wish you the very best for the feeling of being used by your best friend is awful. *hugs*

 

[Fusions2]

Yeah shes definitely going out with them, all I see on Facebook is her and her work friends making plans and shes even said to me today shes going to work and then to the pub with them after work. I text her and get one reply and I reply back then she just doesn't bother. Now shes making plans to go to gigs in the New Year and this is after she suggested to me we should do something for our birthdays together and I said I was completely up for it and we'd discuss it properly. She comes online but never signs in to MSN anymore, and she said to me before no matter what she will come on to MSN when she can to chat and I won't be out of my life... now its the opposite or coming across as that.

EDIT:

It really does wear me down and last year I basically told her to hit the high road after it became too constant and I was tired of feeling left behind. Then within 3 months she made this huge apology to me and then thats when she began ignoring me after she broke it off with her boyfriend before she realised. All I've done in the last few weeks and this past week is just tell her I am here for her. I've even bought us two necklaces that she saw when she came down to spend time with me that she wanted us to have. I was going to send one to her as a New Years present as well. Maybe I just know the meaning of the word loyalty more than her right now.

 

[Joan the Vampire Slayer]

She sounds like she is not being a good friend to you lately, that's for sure. I am going through something similar with a good, long-time friend of mine. Basically, we have hung out on a regular basis for years, and just recently (three months ago) she started seeing this guy, and she hasn't spoken to me in two months, give or take a few friendly text-messages. She's made him her entire life. They're always together. I brought it up to her that I felt hurt that she was ignoring me in favor of her new BF, but she just told me that I should be "happy for her". Ugh.

We had a drink together the other night, but she spent the entire time talking about how "great" her new boyfriend is. And I know she means well, she's not trying to ignore me, she's just one of those girls who is really insecure, so anytime a guy gives her attention she doesn't know how to handle it. I hold my friends to a high standard, and I like to think I'm a good friend, but I feel totally slighted by her. It sucks.

As for your situation, sounds to me like she's avoiding you for some strange reason. Perhaps she's too immature to tell you what's really going on? It sounds like she is taking your friendship for granted, and that's not fair. You need to decide if you'll willing to deal with the way she is treating you. Sounds to me like you could find a better friend. People change, and not always for the better. Maybe that is what's going on here.

 

[BillyidolwannaB]

Maybe she's into you.

 

[faeriegrrl27]

You need to have a nice talk with her. Forget adding to her stress, forget maybe being paranoid. Friendship is about honesty and if you can't have that kind of talk... a new friend might be in order.

 

[Fusions2]

Thank you for all you've said everyone it means a lot to me to know Im not going insane. I spoke about it with my mum last night and she said I shouldn't be treated like it at all. Strangely enough my friend did actually talk to me last night and properly saying she missed me but I'm not holding my breath on this one. I'm still pretty dubious on it all so all I can do for now is just wait and see but if it continues or she changes her mind again then I will say something to her.

 

[Fusions2]

Just thought I'd give some peeps who read and gave me advice a little update. I basically had it out with her tonight and she got rather nasty with me. She told me I was holding her back and I was hanging on to every word she said. Then she just got super nasty and my mum was with me the entire time and wanted to say something but I told her not to. I was trying to be diplomatic and let her know she can't flit back and forth when she wants or say one thing then change her mind. I think she knew she was in the wrong and got super nasty because of it. In the end I told her I was sick of repeating myself and said I say what I say because I care for our friendship a lot... she saw differently and said basically turned her back on me. Nice.

 

[StuckinTraffic]

I've had this happen to me, and it does really suck. I finally just got tired of it and let the 'friend' go. Friendships should be mutually satisfying. Both parties should be able to enjoy a friendship, not just one of them, and not just when one of them wants to. When one half of the relationship is always the taker, then the other half starts feeling used and taken for granted. I think when that happens, it's best to move on and make new friends, ones that won't treat you that way. The blow to your self esteem is not worth it, there are LOTS more people out there.