Hard and soft people

J

JollyApe

None for you!
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No I'm not talking about density or how much flab or muscles you've got, I'm talkiing about that other thing, personality.

Am I the only one that sorta sees people as eaither hard or soft? I mean it's not like one of them is to prefer, it's just different how people act.

Some people are so open and soft from the first moment you meet them, whereas others are more closed and hard, but you can never tell who you're gonna befriend, or at least I can't.

Anyone feels the same way? Are am I just rabblin about things no one else has a clue about?
 
F
\/Fred\/
OMG!!!! I love your icon!!! I kept wondering who they were then it dawned on me!!! the lonegunmen! woot!
P
polexia
thats a very interesting thought jolly! i like that train of thought! and yeah.. sorta agree!
I totally understand where you're going with this...

I get the hard/soft vibe from people all the time... It's hard to break into someones 'hard shell' when they are so closed off... It makes you wonder what could have happened to make them that way...

But, soft people have a tendancy to get walked on... I used to be soft, and put myself out there for everyone to see (and use), and I got myself hurt, so now I try to put on a hard shell... Which doesn't always work... Also, certain people can see through/break through the shell... It just takes the right person to talk to sometimes...

Trust is a hard thing to gain for most people... Those hard shelled ones, atleast...
 
Amber Benson said:
I get the hard/soft vibe from people all the time... It's hard to break into someones 'hard shell' when they are so closed off... It makes you wonder what could have happened to make them that way...

But, soft people have a tendancy to get walked on... I used to be soft, and put myself out there for everyone to see (and use), and I got myself hurt, so now I try to put on a hard shell... Which doesn't always work... Also, certain people can see through/break through the shell... It just takes the right person to talk to sometimes...
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OMG, you SO just described me! Are you sure we weren't separated at birth or something?

I have a bad habit of caring too much, and then when I don't get that back from the other person, my feelings are hurt. And I know....intellectually...that it's my own fault for allowing myself to care so much in the first place.....but that doesn't make it any better. I've kinda learned defense mechanisms over the course of life, but people still get in under the radar sometimes.
 
Miffed67; said:
I have a bad habit of caring too much, and then when I don't get that back from the other person, my feelings are hurt. And I know....intellectually...that it's my own fault for allowing myself to care so much in the first place.....but that doesn't make it any better.
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I don't see that as entirely true... For example... I used to blame myself as well, for letting people hurt me... But you don't truly know where the blame is rightfully placed, until you yourself hurt someone... Which I did recently... And seeing it from the otherside, puts a lot of things into perspective...

Miffed67 said:
Are you sure we weren't separated at birth or something?
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I've always thought I had a twin out there somewhere 😉
 
Yea I think I get what you mean, I don't actually think about people as soft or hard but I think I know what your getting at there and I can see that difference in people. And yea I have kinda been thinking about this lately, I've met a lot of new people and it made me wonder about what it is that attracts me about certain people and who I get to know first and so.. Because it's not always the soft/open people that are the easier to really get to know, at least not for me.
 
Amber Benson said:
I don't see that as entirely true... For example... I used to blame myself as well, for letting people hurt me... But you don't truly know where the blame is rightfully placed, until you yourself hurt someone... Which I did recently... And seeing it from the otherside, puts a lot of things into perspective...
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I think the blaming myself thing is just part of my psyche......because I don't only blame myself when I get hurt by others, but I blame myself when others are hurt by me, too. I try not to do that tho......I mean, I'm pretty empathetic, just because I know what it feels like.....to me, anyway. But sometimes it's unintentional. It's something I've struggled with my whole life, and have only recently been able to move past that flaw in myself....like in the last couple of years recently.

ETA: Plus, another thing I just thought of......I'm going thru a kind of hard time right now...and I think that lends itself to getting hurt even more, because.....things are just hard right now.
 
Yeah I know what you mean Ape.. But I don't know, I am both.. I'm soft, 'cause I get easily hurt, I get easily insecure and so on. But I'm hard 'cause I'm not scared of getting hurt and I am good at getting hurt, uh, sort of.. I can take getting hurt, sort of.. Not saying it's OK or anything but yea.. maybe that's something bad though, standing getting hurt. Uh, never mind my rambling..
 
eponinethen said:
Yeah I know what you mean Ape.. But I don't know, I am both.. I'm soft, 'cause I get easily hurt, I get easily insecure and so on. But I'm hard 'cause I'm not scared of getting hurt and I am good at getting hurt, uh, sort of.. I can take getting hurt, sort of.. Not saying it's OK or anything but yea.. maybe that's something bad though, standing getting hurt. Uh, never mind my rambling..
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I know what you mean.......
 
Joamna said:
.. Because it's not always the soft/open people that are the easier to really get to know, at least not for me.
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No and even though they are soft they might not...can't find a good word..speak to you (I know very Swenglish). They might be soft and open but not compatible with you.


About being both, I'm this strange combo I'm hard when it comes to people I wanna get to know and do know, whereas total strangers I just open up like some sorta.....can't think of a family friendly metaphor, but you all know what I mean.
 
JollyApe said:
No and even though they are soft they might not...can't find a good word..speak to you (I know very Swenglish). They might be soft and open but not compatible with you.
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Exactly. And also, sometimes the people that are soft and open doesn't show up their true self. Like they aren't even aware of it themselves even, and therefore much hard to get to know..

And I think that I am a combo of the two, too. (Just like with most things, I think people in general are a combination of the two, but one of them can be dominating.) Mostly though I think I can be hard when meeting new people, but then I get all angry with myself because I don't want to be that way, and I try to be soft but it all just ends badly and I go back to being hard and it's all just a big spiral of evil.. eh, or something.
 
Joamna said:
Exactly. And also, sometimes the people that are soft and open doesn't show up their true self. Like they aren't even aware of it themselves even, and therefore much hard to get to know..
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I've found, in my past relationships, that being soft, and out there to someone DOES get you hurt more... You're more vulnerable... And also, in my cases, there wasn't the element of surprise that I think is needed in relationships... Keeping things fresh... The same thing goes with friendships... If you put everything on the table right away, you won't have anything to hold onto for further use (that was a bad analogy, but you hopefully get what I mean 😉)
 
Amber Benson said:
I've found, in my past relationships, that being soft, and out there to someone DOES get you hurt more... You're more vulnerable
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Yeah, I've always felt that way, too....which was why I had to make a conscious effort not to let people in too quickly.

Amber Benson said:
And also, in my cases, there wasn't the element of surprise that I think is needed in relationships... Keeping things fresh... The same thing goes with friendships... If you put everything on the table right away, you won't have anything to hold onto for further use (that was a bad analogy, but you hopefully get what I mean 😉)
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Hmmmm, that's very interesting. Maybe that's what I've been doing wrong all this time?
 
Re:

I get what you mean sweetie... and I guess my question is: Are we talking drunk or sober? LOL
No, seriously.....I'm a big softy... there's times I so wish I wasn't. But it's unavoidable....I'm bad at the whole cold and closed off thing. And I agree with AB...it sets you up for a heart whoopin time and again....But I guess you live and you learn.....:banghead:
 
I'd like to think of myself as having a hard, but thin shell and a gooey center - kind of like a Cadbury Easter Egg. I have to protect myself, but life's not worth much if you don't let anyone in.
 
yeah i totall get where u are coming from.. i am a big softy but i can sometimes be hard.... lol easter egg .. sooo cute... yeah im a major softy
 
Yeah,I'm like Cordelia and CharmedSlayer.Sometimes when someone is soft,people walk all over you and disrespect you all the time.When you're a hard person,people kinda get scared off by you.That's why it's good to be a combination of both.
 
Cordelia said:
I'd like to think of myself as having a hard, but thin shell and a gooey center - kind of like a Cadbury Easter Egg.
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Sure you're sweet and all, but that's just vomiting sweet, and nope I've never once vomiting while readin one of your post, so I think you'll have to rephrase it.

I'm having a hard time coming up with something else that's not so sweet it makes you barf, but's got that hard shell and gooey centre, so help me out. Someone's gotta have something?
 
Hmm. I read an interesting book a few years back by this psychologist named Elaine N. Aron. "The Highly Sensitive Person".

Now, I'm loathe to admit it, 'cause I don't want to seem like a thorougly wussified girly-man, but I scored super high on the "sensitivity scale". You can take the test yourself here:

http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm

Basically, if you perceive someone as being "hard", or cold"”the shy retiring type"”they may in fact be hypersensitive saps underneath. The "shell" is protection from too much stimulation in their environment, getting overwhelmed in dealing with other people, etc...
 
I understand what you mean. People tend to put me on the hard people side just beacause I'm not smiling and laughing all tha time but that's just the way I am when I'm on my own... I don't have a smilling face....
On the other side, you can become "hard" when you got too much time deceit from other people, when you put too much trust in them...
Often, "hard people" tend to make better friend, because they open themselves only when they really like you. They are not gonna play with you.
 
I guess I am both. Psychiatrist told me that I was a Type A (Aggressive) personality, and for the most part he was right. When it comes down to business and how my family is treated by others, I am a no bones , in your face person. But with my family and friends, I am an old softy. But either way I am an honest and open person.
 
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