I am not a confrontational person, in fact, it makes me uncomfortable and can sometimes make me seem like a doormat. I also have a very long fuse...but when I finally go off, it gets bad. Today was... not good.
I won't make excuses for what I did, I knew it was wrong the entire time, but I will explain; there is a ton of construction happening at my apartment building, so getting my trash thrown out is very difficult and time consuming. So, I've been using the trash containers belonging to a different building than where I live. I've been doing it for, like, two months. Today, I got called out. Some guy who I think said he was some kind of building manager was sitting nearby on a lawn mower (I didn't know that's what it was or that that's what he was) talking to a woman (probably someone who lived in the building). When he saw me about to throw my trash out, he confronted me.
Here's the thing; I know what I did wasn't technically allowed, so he could ask me to please not do that again and it would've been fine. He chose aggression. Right off the bat. Came at me already yelling, calling me a bitch, pointing his fingers in my face. When people disrespect me... I explode. It's not pretty, and it's not healthy, but it's how I've always been. I tried to stay calm, apologized for doing that, told him it wouldn't happen again, but he would not let it go. He started to scare me. I've seen the videos online.
Then he called me Maria. My name is not Maria. I wondered if maybe he thought I was someone else, cause he said that he'd 'seen me do it before' (which, granted, he could have, because I had done it before) but maybe he was confusing me with someone he had only been told about and given a description of, so I told him; I am not Maria. When he continued to be aggressive and calling me a bitch...that's when I lost it.
I yelled 'I am NOT Maria!' and now I told him I wasn't going to take my trash somewhere else and that he needed to back off. And then I might have retaliated and called him a four-letter word that starts with an s (it didn't even make sense, but I can't think when I feel attacked like that) and then I told him that he was scaring me, that I was feeling threatened. Suddenly, his voice lowered and he asked me why I would feel that way and told me not to call him a bad word. Was he trying to effing gaslight me? Jesus. I pointed out that he was standing very close, calling me names, yelling at me, pointing his finger in my space, why the hell wouldn't I feel like he was about to attack at any moment?
I told him to step away, go back to sit on his mower-vehicle, and if he did that then I would take my trash and leave. But, I did not keep that promise. When he was almost back to the mower, everything just culminated (I'd already had a shitty day before this) and when the trash bag started breaking apart and I dropped the basket full of clothes I was carrying, I snapped. I told him I had changed my mind and then I kicked the bag, so that all of the trash flew out everywhere over the parking lot we were standing in and I stormed off.
I felt bad immediately, of course; I didn't want to punish the other residents with that trash for something their building manager did (and I did, I know, I know) so I walked to my mom's place (where I had been heading anyway) and got an empty trash bag and walked back to pick it up. But it really shook me up. I kept shaking for another hour, even once I was back home in my place.
I guess he gets his way, though, cause I am not walking anywhere near that building again, even if it means walking a little longer to get to the grocery store or my mom's place in the future. Thank god I'm moving soon.
