Is Buffy a good friend?

[Joan the Vampire Slayer]

A fellow BB-er and I were discussing how Buffy treats her friends, and it got me thinking.

Is Buffy a good friend or not? Would you want her as a friend? Why or why not? What makes her a good or bad friend?

She's died for her friends, but she's also used and abused them.

Thoughts? Discuss! No character bashing, please.

 

[OFAWB]

You beat me to it! 😉

Buffy is a wonderful friend in some ways and a terrible friend in others. How is she wonderful? She's loyal, extremely helpful, and protective of those in her life. How is she terrible? She's overly critical, stretched too thin, and standoffish at times.

I would not want her as a friend, though I would still admire her if I were her acquaintance.

 

[Kean]

I find myself wanting to be Buffy's friend rather than wanting her to be my friend, if that makes sense. I just want to look after her, in that really weird Irish Mammy way.

I think Buffy lives and dies for her friends. I think she is incredibly forgiving and sympathetic (to certain people anyway) and I think she would be great fun, if given the chance to actually have fun, but I also think she is never not The Slayer. That colours every interaction she has, especially with her close friends who know about who she is. I'm not sure how much I'd enjoy that as a friend of hers but she is definitely someone I would admire and want to hang out with.

 

[Blaze]

Buffy is absolutely the kind of friend I would have in real life. She's only human and she has her faults, but overall I think she's a wonderful person. If there's one person that I identify with in the verse, it's probably Willow(okay two people, the second one would be Faith), and I think Buffy is a good example of someone that would balance me out well.

I disagree that Buffy has ever abused her friends, I just can't see that. The way I see it, rough patches or not, Buffy is all around someone that I would like to have in my life. She has her fault, but the most important part to me is that she has a good heart, and she's accepting of others, those are two qualities that are a must in any of my friends.

 

[Robb Stark]

I don't think so.

I think Buffy honestly believes herself to be a good friend, and while I have no doubt that she is a good person, as a friend she's a bit of a failure. I think she tries to be a good friend, but despite her success rate I have doubt about how strong of a person Buffy is.

Her friends, rightly or wrongly, look to her, all the time. She is viewed staunchly as the leader, and I think there's a big part of her that really likes that, regardless of what she says from time to time. Despite this though, pretty much from S2 on, Buffy shows an at times overwhelming tendency to become incredibly wrapped up in herself. Regardless of how right or wrong that is at times, it happens all the time. Pretty much every season she screws up the dynamic with her friends because she fails to even consider how they'll react to her decisions. I know Buffy goes through trials and tribulations that would break most people, but she gets so bull-headed so often that she leaves her friends in the dust a lot of the time. On top of that, Buffy is wrong just as often as she's right, which doesn't help.

This isn't to pick on just Buffy. I actually think all of the Scoobies are pretty crappy friends. Xander may be a great guy, but I don't know how Buffy could possibly stay with him after the "kick his ass" line, no matter what the outcome was. Willow is a train wreck of a friend from S4 on. Anya is never really Buffy's friend. Dawn and Spike become great friends in S7 but prior to that, they aren't really. Giles is more of a mentor, and a huge rift develops in S7 that is never really repaired.

It's a bit sad, but I don't think Buffy has many friends, and isn't a good one herself. It's no wonder really why they've continued to drift apart further in the comics.

 

[white avenger]

I think that the entire Buffyverse is inhabited by people who want to be something, whether it is a good friend (Buffy) the best Slayer (Faith) a better man/woman (take your pick, there are plenty) a better boyfriend (Riley) and the list goes on. Point being, they all WANT these things, but the circumstances, their duties, doubts, fears, or whatever, always interfere. Buffy WANTS to be a good friend, she works hard at it. Unfortunately, that nasty ol' Slayer Duty thing tends to pop up at the worst times, especially in the later Seasons. I would have to say that Buffy tries her dead level best to be the best friend possible, within the limits of her duties and obligations. Sadly, she has learned over the years that the mission does, indeed come first.

 

[Wesley Pryce]

I wouldn't want her as a friend but I'd take her as a security guard. 🙂

 

[The Thirst Evil]

She really does care about her friends. Admittedly she has been known to cast her friends aside, hide things from them, even been a little insulting towards them at times (For example "Can we have a little less help from civilians, please")

But as Robb has said above, it isn't just Buffy. I love Xander as much as the next person but his petty jealousy towards Angel, encouraging Buffy to go in for the kill and then later trying to convince her not to kill Anya because he was in love with her. Double standards much?

I think the bottom line is that everyone has there moments of selfishness, hypocrisy and whatnot, it doesn't make them bad people it just makes them human. As long as their hearts are in the right place, and I feel that Buffy's is.

Plus, I find it hard to say a word against Buffy, because for the duration of the show she does kinda feel like a soul-mate.

 

[buffffy]

Ehhhhhhhhhhhh.
She was in S1-4, then she definitely starts slipping. But she does make a comeback at the end of the series.

 

[Ethan Reigns]

I don't think Buffy is all that ready to be a friend because of her special status and abilities. Like it or not, this is what enabled Spike in "The Yoko Factor 4ABB20" to drive a wedge between all of them. The fact that they recovered their relationship in "Primeval 4ABB21" is more due to spite against Spike than any feeling of comradeship. The spell that Willow does to bond them together to have enough strength to defeat Adam is done more for wanting to be part of the slayer mystique than for rebuilding any relationship.

 

[Blaze]

Dam, I must say I'm a bit surprised with the amount of people that think she's a bad friend.

 

[BuffyElevated]

At times Buffy is a good friend, but she's also very self-involved through a lot of the show. I mean come on- look how long it took her to realize Willow was hooking up with Tara in Season 4. Blind much?? LOL
Overall, I think Buffy loves her friends very much and is willing to die for them if need be, but I don't think she's the best friend she could be.

 

[Joan the Vampire Slayer]

I don't think so.

I think Buffy honestly believes herself to be a good friend, and while I have no doubt that she is a good person, as a friend she's a bit of a failure. I think she tries to be a good friend, but despite her success rate I have doubt about how strong of a person Buffy is.

Her friends, rightly or wrongly, look to her, all the time. She is viewed staunchly as the leader, and I think there's a big part of her that really likes that, regardless of what she says from time to time. Despite this though, pretty much from S2 on, Buffy shows an at times overwhelming tendency to become incredibly wrapped up in herself. Regardless of how right or wrong that is at times, it happens all the time. Pretty much every season she screws up the dynamic with her friends because she fails to even consider how they'll react to her decisions. I know Buffy goes through trials and tribulations that would break most people, but she gets so bull-headed so often that she leaves her friends in the dust a lot of the time. On top of that, Buffy is wrong just as often as she's right, which doesn't help.

This isn't to pick on just Buffy. I actually think all of the Scoobies are pretty crappy friends. Xander may be a great guy, but I don't know how Buffy could possibly stay with him after the "kick his ass" line, no matter what the outcome was. Willow is a train wreck of a friend from S4 on. Anya is never really Buffy's friend. Dawn and Spike become great friends in S7 but prior to that, they aren't really. Giles is more of a mentor, and a huge rift develops in S7 that is never really repaired.

It's a bit sad, but I don't think Buffy has many friends, and isn't a good one herself. It's no wonder really why they've continued to drift apart further in the comics.

Your post is terrific, and I agree with most of it. Also, Buffy admits she can be distant (and as you mentioned, withdraw into herself), which makes it hard for her to get close to people, and perhaps deepen existing friendships.

I thought this was such an interesting thread idea because, though much is said about Buffy's good qualities - her bravery, her loyalty, her ability to forgive, her capacity for love - not much is discussed regarding how she treats others, which for better for for worse, tells a lot about her character.

I disagree that Buffy has ever abused her friends, I just can't see that. The way I see it, rough patches or not, Buffy is all around someone that I would like to have in my life. She has her fault, but the most important part to me is that she has a good heart, and she's accepting of others, those are two qualities that are a must in any of my friends.

Is she really that accepting of others, though? Sure, she's tolerant, but that's not the same as being open-minded. Buffy at times can be mighty judgmental, harsh and unforgiving.

I think that the entire Buffyverse is inhabited by people who want to be something, whether it is a good friend (Buffy) the best Slayer (Faith) a better man/woman (take your pick, there are plenty) a better boyfriend (Riley) and the list goes on. Point being, they all WANT these things, but the circumstances, their duties, doubts, fears, or whatever, always interfere. Buffy WANTS to be a good friend, she works hard at it. Unfortunately, that nasty ol' Slayer Duty thing tends to pop up at the worst times, especially in the later Seasons. I would have to say that Buffy tries her dead level best to be the best friend possible, within the limits of her duties and obligations. Sadly, she has learned over the years that the mission does, indeed come first.

It's interesting - the general consensus here is that Buffy wants to be a good friend, but things get in the way of that so she can't(duty, slayage, etc).

So, in response, my questions are:
Does her responsibilities, stress of slaying, etc excuse her bad behavior towards her friends, or make it more understandable?
Is Buffy too self-involved? How does this affect her ability to be a good friend?
Also, we seem to agree that Buffy's "heart was in the right place", meaning she means well. Are there any times people feel that she didn't mean well?

Dam, I must say I'm a bit surprised with the amount of people that think she's a bad friend.

Not everyone who's contributed to this thread thinks she's a bad friend, but good points are being made about her shortfalls in that department, I think.

 

[sleecin]

This is tricky becouse of the whole slayer thing. It changes her and also puts her in situations where she has to makes choices above everyone else.

I agree with kean about wanting to be her friend rather then her being my friend.

But in the perspective of any kind of friend. Buffy sure is a good friend compared to how friends can be overall.

 

[white avenger]

So, in response, my questions are:
Does her responsibilities, stress of slaying, etc excuse her bad behavior towards her friends, or make it more understandable?
Is Buffy too self-involved? How does this affect her ability to be a good friend?
Also, we seem to agree that Buffy's "heart was in the right place", meaning she means well. Are there any times people feel that she didn't mean well?

The stress of and responsibility for her job certainly effects Buffy's behavior toward her friends. Look at their relationship in Season 1 and compare that to Season 7 and I can't see how anyone dould disagree. In the beginning, being the Slayer was just something that Buffy did, like being a cheerleader or going to the Bronze. She tried to do it, then walk away and have fin until her next "shift" started. She really didn't know, or hadn't accepted the facts as they really were.

Buffy Summers wasn't a high school student who spent time with her friends at the Bronze, then went out and did her Slaying job, she was the Slayer, the "One Girl In All The World" who sometimes managed to go to high school and spend time with her friends. Probably the summer between Seasons 2 and 3 was the first real beginning of her realization of that fact. She tried to run away from vampires and demons only to find a demon run homeless shelter in operation where she was trying to hide. As much as she wanted to not pursue her calling, as hard as she tried to run away from it she found out that it was a job that she couldn't ever run away from. It would follow her to her dying day, and that day would be almost certainly before she ever saw her 25th birthday. Once she really understood and accepted that as fact, her life became more tragic, and everything that had been Buffy Summers, teenager, began being absorbed by Buffy Summers, Vampire Slayer.

Throughout history, the cardinal rule has been that, ultimately, the Slayer fights alone. AS much as Buffy wants to have and enjoy family and friends, the duties of the Slayer makes it harder and harder to do so. As her calling absorbs her personal life, it makes it harder and harder for her to devote time to that family and those friends, so, despite honest effort on both sides, the gap keeps getting wider and wider until she finds herself fighting the good fight alone.

So, no, as much as Buffy might want to be a good friend and a good Big Sis, she just finds herself having less and less time to devote to doing it. She wants to be a good friend, but she's too busy staking vampires.

 

[Blaze]

Is she really that accepting of others, though? Sure, she's tolerant, but that's not the same as being open-minded. Buffy at times can be mighty judgmental, harsh and unforgiving.

I believe that she is, but that's according to my own standard most likely. I am a minority and have had my share of prejudice aimed at me, so this is something very close to me, and I do choose my friends highly based on this. The was I see it, I've never seen Buffy be judgemental on life decisions, her best friend is gay, and she's certainly not just tolerating that. I don't think she judges Xander for dating an exam serial killer demon, okay she's mostly tolerating Anya, but I don't think that has much to do with Anya being an ex demon. She forgave her friends for becoming killers, I can't really think of a moment where she hasn't been forgiving of her friends. Yes Buffy is harsh, and she's blunt, but that's part of her job duty also. I don't think she's ever really been an asshole to Willow, the only time that really comes to mind is when Willow almost killed Dawn, which was a really good reason. I've actually had this debate about whether she's judgemental or not (people have also brought that she's racist) and I've still yet to hear a good argument regarding her being that way.

Not everyone who's contributed to this thread thinks she's a bad friend, but good points are being made about her shortfalls in that department, I think.

I agree, I wasn't critiquing the way people thing, I'm open to hearing everyone's opinion, I was just stating that I'm surprised. This is not a topic I've seen discussed much before.

 

[EVIL UU]

No, she is not a good friend. Mostly because Buffy is incapable of separating her private life from her calling. Her friends become automatically and by default a part of the slaying gig. Buffy does not treat them as equals, she treats them as minions, choosing to either act as friend or as a slayer when she feels like, lying to them and keeping secrets in every season up till the end.

Yeah Buff, we get it, they are not slayers.

No, really. They do not wield the strength and skill to stand against the forces of darkness, whatever power they have they claw it on their own and pay for it. Buffy doesn't understand that. It's a problem because Buffy doesn't treat slaying as seriously as she should and her friends suffer because of it, Giles, Willow and Xander lose their loved ones because of her incompetence as the slayer. She fails to protect them. On the top of that, as the seasons progress Buffy becomes dependent of not only their companionship, but their power as well, to the point where Willow has to deal with a big bad on her own because Buffy refuses to.

Take a look at Buffy and Willow. Buffy knows that magic is demonic in nature since the second episode, she knows what magic does to and with humans since the third one and yet she expects Willow to be her big gun and asks her to give more and more with every season, consequences be damned. It's incredibly toxic. When Willow finally falls apart in season 6 Buffy barely cares. In the final TV season Willow is doing worse than ever, she casts powerful spells involuntary, loses control of herself, sucks energy out of people and who knows what would have happened in "Get It Done" if Xander had not intervened. Buffy still asks to cast more and more powerful spells.

Would you want her as a friend?

Yeah, why not? She's a fun gal, loyal, huge heart but more importantly, she is a ridiculously interesting person. It's like with Willow, no matter how repulsive and rotten she is, she IS Willow Rosenberg, yes please, I want her as a friend. Of course, the fighting evil part is out of the question for obvious reasons. I kinda like bad skating movies though, "Ice Princess" was pretty entertaining.

Does her responsibilities, stress of slaying, etc excuse her bad behavior towards her friends, or make it more understandable?

No because slaying is not the reason why Buffy behaves in the way she does, she admits it herself in "Touched".

Is Buffy too self-involved?

Is the sun hot?

Are there any times people feel that she didn't mean well?

I think that she didn't mean well when she decided to kill Faith and feed her body to her vampire corpse-friend. Sickening. Or every time she lied to her friends about things that could potentially kill them. Or when she wanted to leave her kid sister under the protection of a soulless vampire that tried to rape not a while ago. Or when she asked her best friend to incapacitate and kidnap said sister instead of just talking to her(!) Or when she refused to slay a soulless monster, valuing her feelings over the lives of humans she was created to protect. Or when she selfishly chose the life of one person over the lives of people she could save had she not killed herself. Or when she decided to completely ruin the lives of thousands of girls and women around the world.

Off the top of my head.

 

[Professor Walsh]

I think that she didn't mean well when she decided to kill Faith and feed her body to her vampire corpse-friend. Sickening. Or every time she lied to her friends about things that could potentially kill them. Or when she wanted to leave her kid sister under the protection of a soulless vampire that tried to rape not a while ago. Or when she asked her best friend to incapacitate and kidnap said sister instead of just talking to her(!) Or when she refused to slay a soulless monster, valuing her feelings over the lives of humans she was created to protect. Or when she selfishly chose the life of one person over the lives of people she could save had she not killed herself. Or when she decided to completely ruin the lives of thousands of girls and women around the world.

While I can see why you'd say these were situations where she chose unwisely, in most of the cases you mention I'd say she meant well.

 

[EVIL UU]

[MENTION=8715]miromurr[/MENTION]

She meant well for herself. The reasoning behind those choices is purely egoistic, it almost always boils down to what Buffy wants regardless of risks and consequences. And that's fine, despite what some fans claim, she's not St. Buffy. I for one, like my Buffy self-centered and self-destructive.

 

[Kurai]

I think that she is.

She tries her best to be there for her friends in spite of her calling, and does what she can to protect them. She has done some questionable things without telling anyone, such as running off and not telling anyone, but she had to kill the person she loved to save the world, and was confused so felt she had to deal with her grief alone