Joke thread

Wanabee-slayer

Wanabee-slayer

Prefect Jess!
Joined
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MERRICK!
Okay here's a joke my brother told me when I was 4. Feel free to put in your own jokes.Okay sorry if this offends anyone no harm intended.

There are 3 men in an hot air balloon an Irishman, a Chineseman & an American. As they were flying over Ireland the Irishman goes I love Ire;and and throws down a green star. As they are flying over China the chinese man goes I love China and throws down a gold star. And when flying over Africa the American says I hate Africa and throws down a grenade.

When they land in Ireland they see a little girl crying and ask what's wrong. She replies "A green star just came and killed my father."

When in China they see a boy crying and ask what's wrong. He replies"A gold star just came and killed my mother."

When in Africa they see a girl laughing and asks what's so funny she then replies " My dad just farted and the house blew up."
 
T
Tucker's Cousin
Good thread!
Oooh, a joke thread.

Got some one-liners here. Prepare to bust your gut......groaning in disgust. 😛


When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

[Rimshot]

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

[Rimshot]

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.

[Rimshot]


If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does
that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

[Rimshot]


Thank you...thank you...I'm here all week! Be sure to try the veal.....


😛😛
 
Golf Genie

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.

The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

To which she responded, "Three years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she replied, "31 years old"

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"
 
Okay, I have a different golf genie one.

So, there was this guy who was golfing one day. He was having problems with his wife and just had to get out of the house for a while. Anyways, while he was at the 18th hole, he hit a hole-in-one. Never having gotten a hole-in-one before, he was duly excited. When he reached the hole to retrieve his golf ball a genie came out of the hole.

The genie says: "I am the genie of the 18th hole. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your wife will get twice as much."

The guy nods and then thinks for a moment, (I really liked getting that hole-in-one, if I could get them more often, I could be a professional!). "Ok, for my first wish, I wish I could get hole-in-ones most of the time."

The genie says: "Alright, then your wife will get hole-in-ones all of the time."

The man smiles. (Well, that's alright, she hates golf anyways, I'll never see her golfing, so she'll never get any hole-in-ones.) "Well, for my second wish, I wish for 100 million dollars."

The genie replies: "Then your wife will get 200 million dollars."

The man frowns. (She already makes more than I do and I never hear the end of it. This will make her impossible.) Thinking for several minutes, the genie was just about the fall asleep when all of a sudden and slow grin spread across the man's face.

"I know what my third wish is. I wish for an itsy-bitsy heartattack."
 
Nasty football joke tho,
At an elementry school a class was going around talking about their dads jobs. So it was like 'my dad is a doctor',my dad is a lawyer. and that kinda stuff. Then one kid stood up and said 'my dad is a stripper who sometimes gets paid to go out in the back alley with other people.' Any way the teacher hurries up and sends the class out to recess. Sits down with the student and said 'why would you say that? Is that true?' the kid replied 'i lied, my dad plays for the Browns. I didn't want to be embarrassed.'
 
Just remember it's a family board so let's keep them clean 😀
 
P
polexia
jenny jenny jenny :D so glad to see you!!! and you have a pic of George.. or georgia(;) thinging of your little one :)) i'm soon to give you a full raport on my thoughts on season 6.. just have to finish my finals ;)
An Amish family, Mum, Dad, and their young son, go to the big city for the first time. A mutil-storey department store is the first place they vist. The mother is instantly facinated by the widest range of women's clothes she's ever dreamed of. The father and son decide to leave her to it and go and find something a bit more interesting for them to look at.

After a while they come to a big set of double doors with the letters B, G, and the numbers 1 to 30 above it. The doors have no handle which confuses them. All of a sudden the number 6 lights up and then the numbers 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and finally G. There's a "ping", the doors part, and a pretty young girl step out of a very small room beyond. The father and son are astounded by the automatic doors but can't work out what the purpose of the small, empty room inside is.

Then, from behind them, an old lady rolls up in an elctric wheel chair. She says, "Excuse me." They step aside and she enters the small room. They see her tapping on the wall and the doors close. The father and son look at each other. Then the lights above the door start lighting up again, going from 1 all the way up to 30, where it pauses for a while before the lights strat counting down from 30 to 1 and finally G. Then with a ping the doors open and another beautiful young woman steps out.

The father turns to his son and says, "Son, go and get your mother."
 
Black Eye Guy
Black Eye Guy
lol, I Get it, very funny!!
Ok so here I am clicking away through all the links, not bothering to read any of the other posts, and I get to the dead end and it hits me! Very funny! 🙂
 
*takes a bow* thanks (dont worry, i fell for it the first time too)
 
Okay, mine is kind of like Anita Blake's....

One day, a man was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a lamp. He rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared, saying, "I will grant you three wishes, but I must warm you, I'm a lawyer genie, so whatever you wish for, all lawyers in the world will get double."

The man thinks for a few minutes before he nods, "Okay, for my first wish, I wish for 10 million dollars."

"Okay, but all lawyers will get 20 million," the genie says before granting the wish.

"I've always wanted a red Porche(sp?)."

Instantly, the car appears beside him on the beach.

"All lawyers got two," the genie reminded. "What is your last wish?"

The man thinks about this for a while before he smiles and says,"You know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
 
E
Edmund Blackadder
This is a great comment
one of the newspapers i deliver has jokes on the back of them every morning.. and well.. only one of them is funny.. LOl 😛

what did the robot say the first time it saw a gasolinepump?

Take your finger out of your ear when i'm talking too you.


: grin :

there is a brunet standing in some traintracks jumping up and down and she is yelling: 22, 22, 22, 22.. over and over.. a blond walks by and she wants to join in on the fun, so she stands behind her and starts to jump up and down as well, and she yells... 22, 22, 22, 22.... and then a train comes and the brunet jumps out of the way (the blond doesn't...) aftenr the train has passed she gets back in her spot, starts to jump and yells: 23, 23, 23....


: grin :

there was this old lady who had a canari(bird.. ) and one day it flew out the window...
the old lady was really sad, and she hung posters every where in her neighbor(sp?)hood, pormising a rewartd for who ever can find her beloved bird and bring it back to her.

not to much time passes and the foor bell rings, on the otherside is one of the little boys in the neighbor hood... he holds a cat in his arms.

"oh sweety" she says, "i lost my bird, not a cat."
"OH! i know, your bird is in the cat".

: grin :
(this one i'm gonna try and write just like it was on the back of the paper LOL the writing was corny... 😉 lol names and so on are american instead of norwegian though)

this young cool dude(one of those with baggy jeans and a skateboard.) calls information

"information how may i help you" a woman says
"erm, i want the number for a jane smith in washington dc."
"okay, we have more then one, do you have a street name?" the woman replies.
"erm, sure..." the guy answers suprised
" they call me skeed!"

: grin :

ooo and this one...

rebecca, alittle girl, yells out her prayrs every night before she goes to bed...
and it's aways

"DEAR GOD, I WANT A PONY!!!!"

one day her dad comes in to tell her that has gotten the massege

" sweety, you don't need to yell, daddy is right in the other room."

"oh i know, but granpa is on the 2nd floor"
 
Not really joke... but for everyone who is a student or have been... you'll find this funny... and true! : cwm : lol

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN UNIVERSITY TOO LONG WHEN...

>You actually like doing laundry at home where the washing machines work.

>Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.

>You'd rather clean than study especially if an essay is due.

>Oh shit how did it get so late!" comes out of your mouth at least once a night.

>Parents' cooking becomes something you desire, not avoid.

>You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soap operas especially neighbours and Hollyoaks.

>You know the pizza boy by name and don't even need to read the menu.

>You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.

>You live for getting mail.

>Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.

>Prank phone calls become funny again.

>You start thinking and sounding like your friends and your accent becomes a hybrid of West Country, Surrey and generalNorthern.

>Highlighters are the coolest things on earth.

>Rearranging your room is your favourite pastime.

>Rubbish cheap £1 shops are so cool.

>The weekend lasts from Thursday to Monday.


BEFORE I CAME TO UNIVERSITY, I WISH I HAD KNOWN...

>That it didn't matter how late my first lecture was, I'd still sleep through it.

>That I could change so much and barely realize it.

>That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.

>No matter how 'cool' you were in school, no one here cares.

>That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up.

>That every clock on campus shows a different time.

>That if you got good a-levels, so what? It doesn't matter here.

>That I would go to a party the night before an exam or essay due-date.

>That you can know everything and fail a test.

>That you can know nothing and ace a test.

>That I could get used to almost anything found out about my friends.

>That most of my education would be obtained outside of lectures.

>That friendship is more than getting drunk together but that's stillfunny......!

>That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination.

>That Psychology is really Biology, that Biology is really
>Chemistry, that Chemistry is really Physics and that
>Physics is really Maths.

>That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.

>That it's possible to be alone even when you are surrounded by friends. Don't be dismayed at good-byes, a farewell is necessary before we can meet again, and meeting again, after moments or a lifetime, is certain for those who are friends.

TOP 10 REASONS THAT UNIVERSITY IS LIKE PRIMARY SCHOOL

>10. You cry for your mother.
>9. You cross the street without looking for cars.
>8. Snack time is a necessity.
>7. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like
>because everyone else looks as stupid as you do).
>6. You stay at home and play games with your friends.
>5. You wear your backpack on both shoulders.
>4. You wear big mittens.
>3. Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity.
>2. You take naps.
>1. You look forward to cheese toasties.
 
FF: i LOVED that list.. you were right.. funny and most of it is true(for me at least!!):clap2: loved it !!!!!!!!!!!

i have a new joke... its kinda funny, and kinda cutsie...


little johnny is watching his mother put cream on her face whilst looking in the mirror and he askes her what is she doing?

"Oh, mommy is making herself pretty. "

a little later Johnny sees her wipe the cream of and he asks

"what?? Did you give up?"



or

Little Joe and his dad.

a man looks at joes dad and askes, kinda angry:

" can you get your little boy to stop making fun of me by acting like a copycat??"

joes dad looks at joe and says bothered:

" HEY!!! stop looking stupid"

(LOL okay not so funny.. but its a joke 😉)
 
The current elected governments of the United Kingdom and the United States of America!

Just a little political comedy for you there! 😀
 
polexia said:
little johnny is watching his mother put cream on her face whilst looking in the mirror and he askes her what is she doing?

"Oh, mommy is making herself pretty. "

a little later Johnny sees her wipe the cream of and he asks

"what?? Did you give up?"
Click to expand...

Love that one 🙂

The Watcher said:
The current elected governments of the United Kingdom and the United States of America!

Just a little political comedy for you there! 😀
Click to expand...

I dont get it?
 
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