XxSlayerxX
The News Reporter
Do you guys have any good jokes?????Please post jokes that are laugh out loud hilarious.I don't have any jokes right now.But do you guys have any?
Jokes!!!!!
- Thread starter XxSlayerxX
- Start date
A blind man walks into a bar and says," You want to hear the latest Blonde joke?" The bartender says,"Since you're blind, let me explain something. On your left are two NFL linebackers, and they're blondes. To your right is a National Hockey League player, and he's blonde. In the corner is Sylvester Stallone's body-guard, and he's blonde. And I'm 6'4" tall, 250 lbs.,and I'm blonde. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a moment,then says,"Nah, I don't want to have to explain it five times."
MentPatient
White Hat
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2004
- Messages
- 956
A dumb wife and her husband were spending their honeymoon in Africa on a safari trip. Her husband was resting under a tree when suddenly a lion came out from behind and grabbed him.
The blonde had the gun so the husband yelled to the wife, "SHOOT HIM!"
To which the wife responded, "I CAN'T YOU HAVE THE CAMERA!"
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand
up?" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one
freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"
enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see
you standing up there all by yourself."
One Sunday, a priest decided to play hooky so he called the alter boys and told them that he was sick. The priest went off the play golf, when Jesus saw this he asked god "Are you going to let him get away with that?"
"Don't worry, I know what to do." says god. So at the hardest hole (which is a par 8), the priest hit the ball and god makes it go into the hole.
"I GOT A HOLE-IN-ONE!"
"Why'd you do that?" asked Jesus.
"Whose he going to tell?" answers god.
That last one was stupid... but it seemed kind of funny.
The blonde had the gun so the husband yelled to the wife, "SHOOT HIM!"
To which the wife responded, "I CAN'T YOU HAVE THE CAMERA!"
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand
up?" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one
freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"
enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see
you standing up there all by yourself."
One Sunday, a priest decided to play hooky so he called the alter boys and told them that he was sick. The priest went off the play golf, when Jesus saw this he asked god "Are you going to let him get away with that?"
"Don't worry, I know what to do." says god. So at the hardest hole (which is a par 8), the priest hit the ball and god makes it go into the hole.
"I GOT A HOLE-IN-ONE!"
"Why'd you do that?" asked Jesus.
"Whose he going to tell?" answers god.
That last one was stupid... but it seemed kind of funny.
S
SlayerDrow
haha I liked the second one
E
eset
Guest
This one was actually from a M*A*S*H episode:
The owner of a circus is standing in the big top when a short guy comes up to him and taps him on the arm, saying he wants to join the circus.
"Do you have an act?" the owner asked.
Without saying a word, the little man begins to climb up the pole in the middle of the tent. He climbs up and up and up until he finally gets near the top, then jumps off. Flapping his arms wildly, he flies all around the tent for a few minutes, finally landing gracefully at the circus-owner's feet.
"Well?" said the man. "what do you think?"
The circus owner looked at him cynically and said "What, that's all? Just bird immitations?"
In the joke's defence, Hawkeye told it better.
The owner of a circus is standing in the big top when a short guy comes up to him and taps him on the arm, saying he wants to join the circus.
"Do you have an act?" the owner asked.
Without saying a word, the little man begins to climb up the pole in the middle of the tent. He climbs up and up and up until he finally gets near the top, then jumps off. Flapping his arms wildly, he flies all around the tent for a few minutes, finally landing gracefully at the circus-owner's feet.
"Well?" said the man. "what do you think?"
The circus owner looked at him cynically and said "What, that's all? Just bird immitations?"
In the joke's defence, Hawkeye told it better.
MentPatient
White Hat
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2004
- Messages
- 956
I supposed this is slightly mature...
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that d*mn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that d*mn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
JustAnnie
~Annie~
So many funny jokes!😀
I have one, but if you're a fan of George W. Bush, don't read it!
My uncle told me this one actually, it was really funny!!
George W. Bush was at the doctor to get his brain cheched. After a while the doctor seemed puzzled, and one of Bush bodyguards (or something) asks what's wrong. and the doctor says: "There's nothing right in his left brain, and nothing left in his right brain"
It doesn't sound as funny as it did when my uncle told it though...
I have one, but if you're a fan of George W. Bush, don't read it!
My uncle told me this one actually, it was really funny!!
George W. Bush was at the doctor to get his brain cheched. After a while the doctor seemed puzzled, and one of Bush bodyguards (or something) asks what's wrong. and the doctor says: "There's nothing right in his left brain, and nothing left in his right brain"
It doesn't sound as funny as it did when my uncle told it though...
MentPatient
White Hat
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- Apr 11, 2004
- Messages
- 956
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says, "Make them all ugly again."
This was so mean... but so damn funny!
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says, "Make them all ugly again."
This was so mean... but so damn funny!
These threads always bring out the dork in me....lol.... here's one...
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was friggin' dead!
:::rimshot:::
Thank you, thank you......ohh, crap........
:::turns and runs off stage as bricks and rotten fruit are thrown at him from all angles....:::
*
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was friggin' dead!
:::rimshot:::
Thank you, thank you......ohh, crap........
:::turns and runs off stage as bricks and rotten fruit are thrown at him from all angles....:::
*
E
eset
Guest
SlayerDrow
She wants to go home.
Well a dead monkey can't really hold on to a branch can he? lol...this is one I posted in a names thread, but I'll post it here too
A baby comes up to her mom and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Petal?" The mom answers, "Because, when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
A second baby comes up to hermom and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Rose?" The mom answers, "Because, when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
A third baby comes up to her mom and asks, "Psslelasfdaa saeadddkjaoei?" The mom answers, "Please be quiet Fridge."
Bud-um tssssh
A baby comes up to her mom and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Petal?" The mom answers, "Because, when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
A second baby comes up to hermom and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Rose?" The mom answers, "Because, when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
A third baby comes up to her mom and asks, "Psslelasfdaa saeadddkjaoei?" The mom answers, "Please be quiet Fridge."
Bud-um tssssh
MentPatient
White Hat
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2004
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- 956
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler *****es in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. The man very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him. The elephant then continues on its way. "I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember me?" the man muses to himself.
It is a few years later, and the man is at a circus back in the States. He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it KNOWS him. The man wonders, "Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?" He decides to get a closer look. With the elephant still giving him the stare down, the man moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant's face. It reaches down... picks the man up carefully with its trunk... lifts him high in the air... THROWS HIM, CRASHING TO THE GROUND AND STOMPS HIM TO NEAR DEATH!
...Turns out it wasn't THAT elephant.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled.
No one answered.
"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
One day three nuns were walking down the street, and they pass a parrot. The parrot says "Green, yellow, pink!" The nuns were confused, so they walked away. Later that night, one of the nuns said "Hey, what color underwear are you girls wearing?" One said "yellow" and the other said "pink" and so they were like "Wow, I guess that parrot guessed the color of our undies. The next day, they said "Let's all wear black undies today, and see if the parot can guess our undies again!" So, when they passed the parot, he said "Black, black, black!" and now the nuns were so shocked! So now, one nun was pretty smart and said to the other two "Tomorrow, don't wear ANY underwear, and let's see what the parrot will say!"
So the next day, they were walking without their underwear, and so the parrot said "Curly, curly, straight!"
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler *****es in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. The man very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him. The elephant then continues on its way. "I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember me?" the man muses to himself.
It is a few years later, and the man is at a circus back in the States. He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it KNOWS him. The man wonders, "Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?" He decides to get a closer look. With the elephant still giving him the stare down, the man moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant's face. It reaches down... picks the man up carefully with its trunk... lifts him high in the air... THROWS HIM, CRASHING TO THE GROUND AND STOMPS HIM TO NEAR DEATH!
...Turns out it wasn't THAT elephant.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled.
No one answered.
"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
One day three nuns were walking down the street, and they pass a parrot. The parrot says "Green, yellow, pink!" The nuns were confused, so they walked away. Later that night, one of the nuns said "Hey, what color underwear are you girls wearing?" One said "yellow" and the other said "pink" and so they were like "Wow, I guess that parrot guessed the color of our undies. The next day, they said "Let's all wear black undies today, and see if the parot can guess our undies again!" So, when they passed the parot, he said "Black, black, black!" and now the nuns were so shocked! So now, one nun was pretty smart and said to the other two "Tomorrow, don't wear ANY underwear, and let's see what the parrot will say!"
So the next day, they were walking without their underwear, and so the parrot said "Curly, curly, straight!"
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "why the long face?"
:::rimshot:::
Thank you! Try the veal! 😀
:::Gets hit with a brick....:::
*
:::rimshot:::
Thank you! Try the veal! 😀
:::Gets hit with a brick....:::
*
LOL, funny joke OM2.0.. It took me a while to actually get it though.. then i realised tehe..
I heard this on the radio a while back..
'The man who invented the hokey pokey has died at the age of 30, they had trouble trying to put him in the coffin he kept putting his left leg in his left out..
::cough::
well.. it sounded better on the radio..
I heard this on the radio a while back..
'The man who invented the hokey pokey has died at the age of 30, they had trouble trying to put him in the coffin he kept putting his left leg in his left out..
::cough::
well.. it sounded better on the radio..