ILLYRIAN
Druish Pervonian Wizard
Joss Whedon's re-union Party
The Identity Identifier
Andrew went as The Gossip Columnist, Angel as The Puritan, Echo as
a Serving Wench, Buffy chose to go as Faith, River went as
The Blue Lady. Clem went as the Devil, Darla went as herself and
Drusilla thought that going as a Gold Digger might be fun. Dana went
as The Black Lady, Dawn went as An Angel while Faith went as Buffy.
Giles as The Kings Scribe, Gunn as a Rich Man and Illyria as Fred.
Joss Whedon made a special appearance as Zeus.
Inara went as the Green Lady, Jonathon as The Wizards Apprentice,
Jayne as A Gunsmith and Mal as The Wizard. Spike impressed every-one
by going as The Preacher, Vi appeared as The Red Lady, Wesley went
as an Artist, Willow decided to attend as Joan Of Arc and Xander saved
the money this time as he wore a sticky label proclaiming himself as God.
Saturday afternoon's were always known to be a bit hectic, this one
was even more so as the apartments building had been taken over by
them as a re-union for some of the people who were the actors in the
television shows Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly and Dollhouse.
Just for the day they all agreed to be in character.
People were wondering around, Giles realised what was going to
happen and he had deliberately turned up the sound system he had so
that he couldn't hear the girls shrieks.
Willow was quietly sitting in her room doing some intensive studying,
how many times the letter E was in the book titles on the bookshelves.
Hearing her door (clever door huh?) she looked up to see Illyria and
Dawn walking in. We have a problem, Illyria has never been to one of
these do's before," said Dawn.
"That's ok," said Willow.
"What do we start with? oh I know," said Dawn, "Eat with your hands,
a knife or a fork, it doesn't matter; if you eat too much or to fast it is
ok to burp a bit, make sure it's a small burp, that is being polite."
Willow let a real rip-snorter go, Dawn glared at her, Illyria smiled.
"But that's not the way to do it," said Willow,
she tried to smile at them, "Oops."
As Dawn led Illyria out of the room, Willow carried on with the vitally
important task of cataloguing every letter E in the book titles.
As they went along the corridor, "Willow's eyes don't always look like
that Illyria," said Dawn
"It looks like she has been counting the bricks on a wall," said Illyria.
Wanting to be left alone he put up a sign on his door,
"˜GONE TO SEE WESLEY'.
But at four fifteen Giles found that there was an emergency situation,
he had gone to make himself a cuppa and found to his horror that he
had run out of tea!.
Trying to avoid any contact with people Giles decided to put on a brave
face and treat this as though he was doing a perfectly acceptable
thing. He hoped that he would make it back without getting caught up
in any of the girl's requests, the worst one he could imagine was if any
of the girls asked him if the outfit they were wearing made them look
fatter.
Giles managed to make the kitchen without being seen by any-one.
He had nearly back to his room when he heard a little voice behind him,
"Oh please Mr. Giles, can you help me ?" asked Darla.
"Another two foot and I would have been home free," whispered Giles.
"I need some black shoe polish," continued Darla.
"Oh lovely, thank you, thank you," whispered Giles, looking up. Then
turning around he saw fifteen girls, smiling at him.
Darla gave a very descriptive situation report, "Gotcha!"
They seemed happy with what they had done and wandered off.
Giles quickly moved to the sanctuary of his room. He made him-self a
cup of tea then sank slowly into the chair, quickly he stopped.
"Oh my, I hope those poor people at the hotel know what they've let
themselves in for."
At six thirty almost every-one was at, or in the hotels foyer, from the
back of the room the Gunsmith shouted his order "Hey, you at the front,
put the kettle on."
"It won't suit me," called back the Devil, very quickly,
"Good grief, I just heard the Devil make a joke!" said the Preacher,
"I nearly laughed as well."
The Puritan ran into the room
"DEMON, DEMON! there is a demon outside."
The Preacher asked God.
"What things would a priest say, and how would he say them?"
"Try, "˜bless you my child"˜ or "˜thank you my child'," replied God.
Faith was still laughing when she nearly bumped into The Preacher.
"What is it now, slayer?" asked The Preacher.
"Excuse me, that should be "˜yes my child, what is it?" said God, realising
he had to find some-one else to talk to.
"What are you so happy about?" asked The Preacher.
"I just got Willow," said Faith.
"Oh, yeah just got the Kings Scribe," said The Preacher, "tell you what,
why don't we get as many as we can and put ten dollars in the kitty for
each one, then total it up at the end of the night."
"Where would the money go?" asked Faith.
"I think it should go to Harmony, I did treat her very badly."
"WHAT?, why give her the money?" asked Faith.
"That's twenty dollars, we can give the money to a children's hospital,"
said the Preacher, grinning at Faith. He called Joan of Arc over.
"Did you hear, I just asked Faith to be my girlfriend for the next two
weeks and she said yes!"
"Faith!, what, why?, why did you say that!" exclaimed Joan of Arc.
"Excuse me, a slight problem here, when spelling her name, is it spelt
s, u, c, k, e, r,?" asked The Preacher.
The Preacher happily stepped forward and planted a big kiss on Joan
of Arc's lips, "I wish I had a camera, a photo of you kissing him, I'd get
a fortune on e-bay," said Faith.
"I didn't kiss him, he kissed me!," protested Joan of Arc.
"That is another one for me, isn't it?" Faith asked the Preacher.
"Seemed like a fair one, to me," replied the Preacher.
They both smiled and left Willow standing by herself. "There's never a
vengeance demon around when you need one," said Joan.
The Preacher happy at who he was wandered through the crowd,
deciding who to get next, he was looking around not watching where
he was going. He saw a blur of blue in front of him but by the time he
was about to say sorry my child it was to late. He moved closer to the
door then as he was about to hit....bless some-one he noticed his bible
had gone. Standing on the top step he looked about the room,
seeing the Blue Lady sat by herself he thought of the blue blur.
"That is my bible, what are you doing with it?" asked The Preacher.
"It is still wrong, to many ambiguities," replied The Blue Lady.
"And if they were smalluities?" asked the Preacher.
"Yes, small is better than big," said River, "Oh this bit doesn't make
sense." And she ripped out two of the pages.
"Hey stop, that you'll ruin it."
The Preacher thought about what he had just said. "Pinch me."
thinking he was in some-ones wacky, wacky kind of nightmare.
The Blue Lady pinched him.
"What do you think you are doing little one? do it properly," said
The Wizard and promptly landed a hay maker on the Preacher's face.
"Sorry sir," said the Blue Lady presenting the Preacher with a hay maker.
"That's better," said the Wizard walking off.
"Huh?" asked the Preacher, "Did some-one just say something?"
The Preacher moved to stand by a phone, he watched as The Kings
Scribe got closer to the phone in front of him. He rang the phone and
the Kings Scribe picked it up.
Then a heavily disguised voice.
"I want fourcandles, please."
"I'm sorry, I am in a hotel lobby, this is a public telephone, I don't think
they sell fork handles here."
"Thank you, but I still want four candles."
"Oh, sorry!, four candles!, you want four candles sir that's er, oh what
colour would you prefer. Hang on a minute"
"Thanks for calling me sir," said The Preacher in his normal voice.
As the Kings Scribe looked to him.
"You've come as a priest?, your a priest, ha!"
Quick as a flash the Preacher responded, "Problem!"
He put on his best game face, deliberately and knowingly looked at the
Scribes' neck, hissing and growling. Startled the Kings Scribe stepped
back from the Preacher who adopted his usual face and chuckled,
interlocking his fingers he smiled a smile that would melt your heart,
turned around and walked away.
"The Preacher went and stood at the door way and began to bless the
people and creatures that moved from the museum, until the Devil
attempted to leave, "And you can bugger-off," said the Preacher.
"It's going to be like that tonight," said the Kings Scribe.
"And no-one's had a drink yet!" remarked God.
The queue to get through the doorway was getting longer,
"HEY, get your hands of my bone," said the Wizards Apprentice.
Faith stared at The Angel, "you felt his bone!"
"I didn't do it on purpose," said The Angel.
"Are you married?" asked the Preacher.
"Of course not," said The Angel.
"Your an unmarried woman?, oh my!, then you should be ashamed of
yourself," said the Preacher.
The Wizards Apprentice pulled out the thigh bone from under his cape.
"Poor bone, did that nasty Angel touch you," he said, gently caressing it
"Excuse me, Mr. Wizard's Apprentice, I am sorry that the white Angel
with the red face touched your bone, now if Joan of Arc could be
accused of doing the same!" said Faith.
"We can but try," said the Wizards Apprentice, grinning, he casually
moved towards Joan of Arc,
"What is that trying to stick out from under your cape," she asked.
The Wizards Apprentice showed Joan of Arc his thigh bone and almost
dropped it, Joan of Arc quickly made a grab for his bone, about the
same time as she realised what she was doing.
"Joan! How could you!" exclaimed Faith.
"Some-one once told me that Joan was a lesbian," remarked God.
"Buggered up that theory then," said the Preacher.
"Joan, hmm, I like the name Joan," said Faith.
The Preacher and Joan of Arc looked at Faith,
The Angel cleared her throat.
"I hope that was The Angel clearing it's throat," said Faith, pointedly.
Faith suddenly noticed how low The angel's neck line was at the front,
"What! Where did you get those from," said Faith.
The Angel covered them with her hands.
"That's right deary, you hold them," said Buffy
The Angel poked her tongue at Faith, saying "Have you died recently."
"Excuse me, I don't want to interrupt you lot to much, but I think that
we should be going," said The Kings Scribe.
"Good idea to keep them apart, that should stop them making funny
comments all the time, however? the other way to look at it is that
you will be putting them into lots of smaller groups and making the
problem worse," remarked God.
"Oh no, what have I done! Oh well if you can't beat them."
"Hey every-one! listen up! The Kings Scribe is going to say something
funny," then facing The Kings Scribe, "Nothing like being dropped
in it is there?" asked God.
The Scribe looked at God, and if looks could kill.
"Right then, I want you all to have a good time, so please be mindful
of the other persons perspective, do not drink to much and drive safely
there and back. I would like to thank God for getting everyone's
attention, God, thank you for doing as I asked and making sure that
they would listen to me."
When walking away he closely passed a stunned God,
"I wonder what they think of you right now?" asked The Kings Scribe.
Joan of Arc had organised to take the "˜coloured' ladies to meet up with
the carriage, so that they could make a grand entrance.
The foyer of the hotel was suddenly transformed as the wonderful
costume clad people began to appear through the main doors, twenty
people from the two vans of AI were entering.
The din was slowly becoming quieter, then the Gold Digger arrived.
"Who let the hooker in," came a voice from the back.
"There goes your speech, Scribe," said God.
The horse drawn carriage drew up to the front of the hotel, its gold
plated ornaments glistening in the light. Five very beautifully dressed
ladies in their coloured dresses floated into the foyer.
"Ladies and gentlemen may I introduce to you, oh sod it, where is the
booze and the grub," said the Kings Scribe
A rapturous applause and cheer followed, and they all moved into the
Medieval Banquet hall.
As the 'nice' people were sitting down the jugs of ale and shandy
began to be dispersed. A compere for the night drew every-ones
attention, he announced that the first entertainment for the night
was a Rich Man who would be reciting his latest poem.
"I give you," and he held out his arm to the artist
"This is the first reading of this poem," said the Rich Man
This poem bears the name, 'The Last And Final Shot'
"For the last and final shot you will not know
and you will care not, which hand, you will show."
"That last shot will be coming with the question why,
when you see it you will not know, but, you may sigh."
"When you are all but ready, for the last and final burst,
be it when your feeling teary, or you are battling the First."
"Just crossing the street, deciding where to sit down
and have something to eat, not smiling, but wearing a frown."
"Will it be today or tomorrow? no you say, it can not,
then you force a glance, for that last, and final shot."
"Show your appreciation for the Rich Man, that was well done. Now
ladies and gentlemen and you others, we have for your enjoyment the
Gossip Columnist and the Wizards Apprentice, they will present what is
a lovely tale."
The Gossip Columnist stepped up to the microphone, breathed in.
"One bright and lovely day while I was out walking, I saw two Birds of
Paradise, they looked so lovely, I stood and stared at them, I
wondered what I could do next, then I remembered, and so,"
he stepped back from the microphone and motioned his partner.
The Wizards Apprentice stepped up to the front, turned to his
accomplice and clapped a couple of times, he raised both his arms to
the roof and cried out loud.
"AND SO,"
he hung his head then moved back to his place and sat down.
The Columnist stepped forward, acknowledged his friend then continued
his tale.
"I wondered along the walk trail, I noticed the beautiful flowers at the
trails edge, I walked and walked for a couple of hours until I reached
the end," he held out both arms to his audience blew them a couple of
kisses and withdrew to his original position. Once again the
Wizards Apprentice moved forward, looked apologetically to the
audience, gazed at his book, looked up and said.
"THE END."
"At the end," shouted the Columnist from his seat, then he looked at
his cohort, shook his head and went to the microphone.
"I saw a gate that led to an open field," he smiled at the audience who
cheered him.
"The field," he continued, "Was covered with thousands of wild flowers,
the sight of all these colours was awe inspiring, I thought that truly
heaven is here," the Columnist bowed to the audience who cheered,
he then turned to the Wizards Apprentice and pointedly held out his
hand and slapped it, then he walked to his seat and sat down.
The Wizards Apprentice moved forward, quietly saying.
"IS HERE."
Once again the gossip Columnist rose to the occasion,
"I seemed to float over the field, eventually I reached an old turn stile,
once through I casually moved along a path to a canal, it was so
appealing but I noticed, it's time, to say," he bowed and went to
his seat again. The Wizards Apprentice strode to the front held an arm
to the stars, breathed in deeply and said.
"IT'S TIME, TO SAY," he waited for his applause, but nothing happened.
"It was so clear," said the Columnist, "The water was so clear that I
could see the fish, they behaved as dolphins, all seeing and yet
seemingly happy to follow me. But alas, I had to leave them. They
seemed so human that I said good bye."
The Wizards Apprentice was surprised that the gossip had finished and
he appeared to find his next words, when his face lit up it when he
found his place and he moved to the front and said,
"GOOD BYE," he bowed and listened to the silence, sadly he made
his way back to his seat.
The Gossip Columnist smugly moved to the microphone,
"As I was walking away, I came across another who was admiring
the beauty that nature had created, I said to the person that she
should go over to the canal that was, far over there."
"Over where?" asked the person.
Again I said, "Over there to the far canal."
The Wizards Apprentice joined the Gossip Columnist at the microphone,
he looked at his friend, "F? F? OH DEAR," he said. They both bowed.
Joan of Arc looked at the Green Lady and shrugged her shoulders, the
Green Lady smiled at Joan and in a voice that was just a bit too loud.
"Say "˜far' "˜canal' as if it were one word."
Joan quickly covered her mouth with her hand and breathed in at about
the same time as every-one else burst out laughing and began
rapturously applauding.
The Wizards Apprentice held the microphone again and said.
"AND SO., THE END IS HERE., IT'S TIME TO SAY. GOOD BYE, OH DEAR."
Having said that the Wizards apprentice and the Kings Gossip Columnist
bowed, then they left the stage.
The compere thanked them and said that while the next act was getting
prepared they would take a break and that he would be back later.
The Preacher turned towards the Puritan,
"Whilst the language at the end could be described as pertaining to be
unpleasant it was a very clever thing that they did, so if I had some
money then I would surely offer it to them."
"Huh, what ? Oh yeah, it was good," said the Puritan.
"Well that was fun," said the Preacher.
"That Puritan bloke seems happy about it," said the Wizard.
"I'll take that smile off his face," said the Preacher.
"Go on then," said the Wizard.
"This'll be easy," said the Preacher, "just be sure not to get drawn in
to the heated discussion."
"Yeah, okay, understood," said the Wizard.
"It's all about who would win a fight between a caveman and an
astronaught, the chances are they would never meet, so the argument
is purely theoretical and as such, the only way to win is to kill those
that disagree with you, of course the other thing is astronaughts tend
to be middle aged, not fighting fit, where-as cavemen tend to be
seriously fit or severely wounded, so any fight is going to unfair.
When people that are in the argument think of a person, they seem to
imagine a twenty five year old that's fully fit, being that is the case
a difference of belief occurs," declared the Preacher.
"Oh, right, gotcha, sit back and enjoy," said the Wizard
"Hang on a mo"˜, I've done this before and I know who will take a
second bite," said the Preacher.
"Ya-haay!, HEY Puritan this Wizard agrees with me, she says the
caveman would thrash an astronought, easily."
"She's demented then, it's obvious that the astronaught would win."
"Hey Joan, you tell this idiot that the caveman would win," said
the Wizard.
With-in the minute several more had joined the heated discussion, with
a few others on the cusp, the arguments followed
"Look at them," said the Columnist, this is meant to be a happy
occasion, they are arguing with each other."
"Not every-one, look at the Wizard and the Preacher. They both look
a bit smug, and guess what, they started all this off."
The columnist raised his beer to the Preacher and smiled,
the Preacher smiled back.
"Give this a bit to die down then I'll get that Joan with my bone, listen
this is what I'll do," said the Apprentice
He walked about the table and talked to a few folk, then returned to
his seat. Wesley tried to calm the arguing down.
"HEY! Give it back," shouted the Wizards Apprentice
"I threw it to the Wizard," replied the Columnist, "I don't have it"
"Oi, Wizard you give it back," called the Apprentice.
"Come and get it then!" said the Wizard, "hey Joan catch this,"
Joan of Arc rose to catch the item, when suddenly the bone was in
her hands. The Mack truck and two sledge-hammers hitting her brought
about the realisation that she had been set up.
"That's my bone! give it to me!" shouted the Apprentice.
"She's done it again," said The Angel, "that's terrible."
Joan sat down and ...a voice in her ear said it all,
"Who's a naughty girlie," it was the Wizards Apprentice.
"Hey Joan, leave his bone alone," shouted Faith.
"Maybe somebody else should be called the Big Bad," said the Preacher.
"Button, Button, whose got the Button?, my monies on Red," said God,
"Reds a naughty girlie."
Joan closed her eyes and hung her head.
"Excuse me could you please show me the bone," said the kings Scribe.
"Oh that's strange, nothing," he said to the Wizards Apprentice, then
turning to face Joan he said, "Guess it must be a hands on thing."
This brought the house down, strangely enough Joan of Arc didn't
appreciate it. Zeus sat down, he was excited at was about to happen
even though he had no knowledge of what it was, the Serving Wench
poured him a large jug full of frothy beer,
"Do you know how we get the beer all frothy?" she asked.
"Go on then, tell me," replied Zeus.
"We've got a big tub out the back, and the chef's have put three
chickens with clipped wings and four pigs with their food just out of
reach in the tub, if you want to get a reaction from some-one, then
wait until near the end of the night."
"Why wait until later on?"
"It'll have a bigger response when they've had a few beers, all you'd
have to say is how the beer gets frothy and casually mention that you
hope the pigs don't have any the r more."
The Serving Wench then went around the table and handed the
Preacher a certain bone from a chicken which he promptly held up.
"Hey Joan want to play with my bone?, hope you get happy again 'cos
we've got to do the doggy thing soon."
"Okay people, settle down please," said the compere, "We now have
some people who will show you their skills at dancing."
Faith, Buffy, the Kings Scribe, God, Zeus, Joan of Arc, the Puritan and
the Preacher made their way on to the stage and stood in a line.
Shrieks of laughter filled the room as those on stage performed the
Snoopy dance. When they had finished the dance the "˜audience'
erupted and encores were called for, the Preacher made a comment
which every-one on stage agreed with.
"BLOODY SOD OFF YOU LOT!"
The compere moved to the microphone
"Such grace and tranquillity I have never seen before, thankfully I"˜ll
never see it again, we now have a musical intermission."
The Puritan smiled, he was happy that all his friends were happy.
Lorne went and sat next to the Puritan.
"I'm on next."
They talked and talked about their friends, on stage the
instruments were being changed and unnoticed a few different
people moved on to the stage.
THE END
The Identity Identifier
Andrew went as The Gossip Columnist, Angel as The Puritan, Echo as
a Serving Wench, Buffy chose to go as Faith, River went as
The Blue Lady. Clem went as the Devil, Darla went as herself and
Drusilla thought that going as a Gold Digger might be fun. Dana went
as The Black Lady, Dawn went as An Angel while Faith went as Buffy.
Giles as The Kings Scribe, Gunn as a Rich Man and Illyria as Fred.
Joss Whedon made a special appearance as Zeus.
Inara went as the Green Lady, Jonathon as The Wizards Apprentice,
Jayne as A Gunsmith and Mal as The Wizard. Spike impressed every-one
by going as The Preacher, Vi appeared as The Red Lady, Wesley went
as an Artist, Willow decided to attend as Joan Of Arc and Xander saved
the money this time as he wore a sticky label proclaiming himself as God.
Saturday afternoon's were always known to be a bit hectic, this one
was even more so as the apartments building had been taken over by
them as a re-union for some of the people who were the actors in the
television shows Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly and Dollhouse.
Just for the day they all agreed to be in character.
People were wondering around, Giles realised what was going to
happen and he had deliberately turned up the sound system he had so
that he couldn't hear the girls shrieks.
Willow was quietly sitting in her room doing some intensive studying,
how many times the letter E was in the book titles on the bookshelves.
Hearing her door (clever door huh?) she looked up to see Illyria and
Dawn walking in. We have a problem, Illyria has never been to one of
these do's before," said Dawn.
"That's ok," said Willow.
"What do we start with? oh I know," said Dawn, "Eat with your hands,
a knife or a fork, it doesn't matter; if you eat too much or to fast it is
ok to burp a bit, make sure it's a small burp, that is being polite."
Willow let a real rip-snorter go, Dawn glared at her, Illyria smiled.
"But that's not the way to do it," said Willow,
she tried to smile at them, "Oops."
As Dawn led Illyria out of the room, Willow carried on with the vitally
important task of cataloguing every letter E in the book titles.
As they went along the corridor, "Willow's eyes don't always look like
that Illyria," said Dawn
"It looks like she has been counting the bricks on a wall," said Illyria.
Wanting to be left alone he put up a sign on his door,
"˜GONE TO SEE WESLEY'.
But at four fifteen Giles found that there was an emergency situation,
he had gone to make himself a cuppa and found to his horror that he
had run out of tea!.
Trying to avoid any contact with people Giles decided to put on a brave
face and treat this as though he was doing a perfectly acceptable
thing. He hoped that he would make it back without getting caught up
in any of the girl's requests, the worst one he could imagine was if any
of the girls asked him if the outfit they were wearing made them look
fatter.
Giles managed to make the kitchen without being seen by any-one.
He had nearly back to his room when he heard a little voice behind him,
"Oh please Mr. Giles, can you help me ?" asked Darla.
"Another two foot and I would have been home free," whispered Giles.
"I need some black shoe polish," continued Darla.
"Oh lovely, thank you, thank you," whispered Giles, looking up. Then
turning around he saw fifteen girls, smiling at him.
Darla gave a very descriptive situation report, "Gotcha!"
They seemed happy with what they had done and wandered off.
Giles quickly moved to the sanctuary of his room. He made him-self a
cup of tea then sank slowly into the chair, quickly he stopped.
"Oh my, I hope those poor people at the hotel know what they've let
themselves in for."
At six thirty almost every-one was at, or in the hotels foyer, from the
back of the room the Gunsmith shouted his order "Hey, you at the front,
put the kettle on."
"It won't suit me," called back the Devil, very quickly,
"Good grief, I just heard the Devil make a joke!" said the Preacher,
"I nearly laughed as well."
The Puritan ran into the room
"DEMON, DEMON! there is a demon outside."
The Preacher asked God.
"What things would a priest say, and how would he say them?"
"Try, "˜bless you my child"˜ or "˜thank you my child'," replied God.
Faith was still laughing when she nearly bumped into The Preacher.
"What is it now, slayer?" asked The Preacher.
"Excuse me, that should be "˜yes my child, what is it?" said God, realising
he had to find some-one else to talk to.
"What are you so happy about?" asked The Preacher.
"I just got Willow," said Faith.
"Oh, yeah just got the Kings Scribe," said The Preacher, "tell you what,
why don't we get as many as we can and put ten dollars in the kitty for
each one, then total it up at the end of the night."
"Where would the money go?" asked Faith.
"I think it should go to Harmony, I did treat her very badly."
"WHAT?, why give her the money?" asked Faith.
"That's twenty dollars, we can give the money to a children's hospital,"
said the Preacher, grinning at Faith. He called Joan of Arc over.
"Did you hear, I just asked Faith to be my girlfriend for the next two
weeks and she said yes!"
"Faith!, what, why?, why did you say that!" exclaimed Joan of Arc.
"Excuse me, a slight problem here, when spelling her name, is it spelt
s, u, c, k, e, r,?" asked The Preacher.
The Preacher happily stepped forward and planted a big kiss on Joan
of Arc's lips, "I wish I had a camera, a photo of you kissing him, I'd get
a fortune on e-bay," said Faith.
"I didn't kiss him, he kissed me!," protested Joan of Arc.
"That is another one for me, isn't it?" Faith asked the Preacher.
"Seemed like a fair one, to me," replied the Preacher.
They both smiled and left Willow standing by herself. "There's never a
vengeance demon around when you need one," said Joan.
The Preacher happy at who he was wandered through the crowd,
deciding who to get next, he was looking around not watching where
he was going. He saw a blur of blue in front of him but by the time he
was about to say sorry my child it was to late. He moved closer to the
door then as he was about to hit....bless some-one he noticed his bible
had gone. Standing on the top step he looked about the room,
seeing the Blue Lady sat by herself he thought of the blue blur.
"That is my bible, what are you doing with it?" asked The Preacher.
"It is still wrong, to many ambiguities," replied The Blue Lady.
"And if they were smalluities?" asked the Preacher.
"Yes, small is better than big," said River, "Oh this bit doesn't make
sense." And she ripped out two of the pages.
"Hey stop, that you'll ruin it."
The Preacher thought about what he had just said. "Pinch me."
thinking he was in some-ones wacky, wacky kind of nightmare.
The Blue Lady pinched him.
"What do you think you are doing little one? do it properly," said
The Wizard and promptly landed a hay maker on the Preacher's face.
"Sorry sir," said the Blue Lady presenting the Preacher with a hay maker.
"That's better," said the Wizard walking off.
"Huh?" asked the Preacher, "Did some-one just say something?"
The Preacher moved to stand by a phone, he watched as The Kings
Scribe got closer to the phone in front of him. He rang the phone and
the Kings Scribe picked it up.
Then a heavily disguised voice.
"I want fourcandles, please."
"I'm sorry, I am in a hotel lobby, this is a public telephone, I don't think
they sell fork handles here."
"Thank you, but I still want four candles."
"Oh, sorry!, four candles!, you want four candles sir that's er, oh what
colour would you prefer. Hang on a minute"
"Thanks for calling me sir," said The Preacher in his normal voice.
As the Kings Scribe looked to him.
"You've come as a priest?, your a priest, ha!"
Quick as a flash the Preacher responded, "Problem!"
He put on his best game face, deliberately and knowingly looked at the
Scribes' neck, hissing and growling. Startled the Kings Scribe stepped
back from the Preacher who adopted his usual face and chuckled,
interlocking his fingers he smiled a smile that would melt your heart,
turned around and walked away.
"The Preacher went and stood at the door way and began to bless the
people and creatures that moved from the museum, until the Devil
attempted to leave, "And you can bugger-off," said the Preacher.
"It's going to be like that tonight," said the Kings Scribe.
"And no-one's had a drink yet!" remarked God.
The queue to get through the doorway was getting longer,
"HEY, get your hands of my bone," said the Wizards Apprentice.
Faith stared at The Angel, "you felt his bone!"
"I didn't do it on purpose," said The Angel.
"Are you married?" asked the Preacher.
"Of course not," said The Angel.
"Your an unmarried woman?, oh my!, then you should be ashamed of
yourself," said the Preacher.
The Wizards Apprentice pulled out the thigh bone from under his cape.
"Poor bone, did that nasty Angel touch you," he said, gently caressing it
"Excuse me, Mr. Wizard's Apprentice, I am sorry that the white Angel
with the red face touched your bone, now if Joan of Arc could be
accused of doing the same!" said Faith.
"We can but try," said the Wizards Apprentice, grinning, he casually
moved towards Joan of Arc,
"What is that trying to stick out from under your cape," she asked.
The Wizards Apprentice showed Joan of Arc his thigh bone and almost
dropped it, Joan of Arc quickly made a grab for his bone, about the
same time as she realised what she was doing.
"Joan! How could you!" exclaimed Faith.
"Some-one once told me that Joan was a lesbian," remarked God.
"Buggered up that theory then," said the Preacher.
"Joan, hmm, I like the name Joan," said Faith.
The Preacher and Joan of Arc looked at Faith,
The Angel cleared her throat.
"I hope that was The Angel clearing it's throat," said Faith, pointedly.
Faith suddenly noticed how low The angel's neck line was at the front,
"What! Where did you get those from," said Faith.
The Angel covered them with her hands.
"That's right deary, you hold them," said Buffy
The Angel poked her tongue at Faith, saying "Have you died recently."
"Excuse me, I don't want to interrupt you lot to much, but I think that
we should be going," said The Kings Scribe.
"Good idea to keep them apart, that should stop them making funny
comments all the time, however? the other way to look at it is that
you will be putting them into lots of smaller groups and making the
problem worse," remarked God.
"Oh no, what have I done! Oh well if you can't beat them."
"Hey every-one! listen up! The Kings Scribe is going to say something
funny," then facing The Kings Scribe, "Nothing like being dropped
in it is there?" asked God.
The Scribe looked at God, and if looks could kill.
"Right then, I want you all to have a good time, so please be mindful
of the other persons perspective, do not drink to much and drive safely
there and back. I would like to thank God for getting everyone's
attention, God, thank you for doing as I asked and making sure that
they would listen to me."
When walking away he closely passed a stunned God,
"I wonder what they think of you right now?" asked The Kings Scribe.
Joan of Arc had organised to take the "˜coloured' ladies to meet up with
the carriage, so that they could make a grand entrance.
The foyer of the hotel was suddenly transformed as the wonderful
costume clad people began to appear through the main doors, twenty
people from the two vans of AI were entering.
The din was slowly becoming quieter, then the Gold Digger arrived.
"Who let the hooker in," came a voice from the back.
"There goes your speech, Scribe," said God.
The horse drawn carriage drew up to the front of the hotel, its gold
plated ornaments glistening in the light. Five very beautifully dressed
ladies in their coloured dresses floated into the foyer.
"Ladies and gentlemen may I introduce to you, oh sod it, where is the
booze and the grub," said the Kings Scribe
A rapturous applause and cheer followed, and they all moved into the
Medieval Banquet hall.
As the 'nice' people were sitting down the jugs of ale and shandy
began to be dispersed. A compere for the night drew every-ones
attention, he announced that the first entertainment for the night
was a Rich Man who would be reciting his latest poem.
"I give you," and he held out his arm to the artist
"This is the first reading of this poem," said the Rich Man
This poem bears the name, 'The Last And Final Shot'
"For the last and final shot you will not know
and you will care not, which hand, you will show."
"That last shot will be coming with the question why,
when you see it you will not know, but, you may sigh."
"When you are all but ready, for the last and final burst,
be it when your feeling teary, or you are battling the First."
"Just crossing the street, deciding where to sit down
and have something to eat, not smiling, but wearing a frown."
"Will it be today or tomorrow? no you say, it can not,
then you force a glance, for that last, and final shot."
"Show your appreciation for the Rich Man, that was well done. Now
ladies and gentlemen and you others, we have for your enjoyment the
Gossip Columnist and the Wizards Apprentice, they will present what is
a lovely tale."
The Gossip Columnist stepped up to the microphone, breathed in.
"One bright and lovely day while I was out walking, I saw two Birds of
Paradise, they looked so lovely, I stood and stared at them, I
wondered what I could do next, then I remembered, and so,"
he stepped back from the microphone and motioned his partner.
The Wizards Apprentice stepped up to the front, turned to his
accomplice and clapped a couple of times, he raised both his arms to
the roof and cried out loud.
"AND SO,"
he hung his head then moved back to his place and sat down.
The Columnist stepped forward, acknowledged his friend then continued
his tale.
"I wondered along the walk trail, I noticed the beautiful flowers at the
trails edge, I walked and walked for a couple of hours until I reached
the end," he held out both arms to his audience blew them a couple of
kisses and withdrew to his original position. Once again the
Wizards Apprentice moved forward, looked apologetically to the
audience, gazed at his book, looked up and said.
"THE END."
"At the end," shouted the Columnist from his seat, then he looked at
his cohort, shook his head and went to the microphone.
"I saw a gate that led to an open field," he smiled at the audience who
cheered him.
"The field," he continued, "Was covered with thousands of wild flowers,
the sight of all these colours was awe inspiring, I thought that truly
heaven is here," the Columnist bowed to the audience who cheered,
he then turned to the Wizards Apprentice and pointedly held out his
hand and slapped it, then he walked to his seat and sat down.
The Wizards Apprentice moved forward, quietly saying.
"IS HERE."
Once again the gossip Columnist rose to the occasion,
"I seemed to float over the field, eventually I reached an old turn stile,
once through I casually moved along a path to a canal, it was so
appealing but I noticed, it's time, to say," he bowed and went to
his seat again. The Wizards Apprentice strode to the front held an arm
to the stars, breathed in deeply and said.
"IT'S TIME, TO SAY," he waited for his applause, but nothing happened.
"It was so clear," said the Columnist, "The water was so clear that I
could see the fish, they behaved as dolphins, all seeing and yet
seemingly happy to follow me. But alas, I had to leave them. They
seemed so human that I said good bye."
The Wizards Apprentice was surprised that the gossip had finished and
he appeared to find his next words, when his face lit up it when he
found his place and he moved to the front and said,
"GOOD BYE," he bowed and listened to the silence, sadly he made
his way back to his seat.
The Gossip Columnist smugly moved to the microphone,
"As I was walking away, I came across another who was admiring
the beauty that nature had created, I said to the person that she
should go over to the canal that was, far over there."
"Over where?" asked the person.
Again I said, "Over there to the far canal."
The Wizards Apprentice joined the Gossip Columnist at the microphone,
he looked at his friend, "F? F? OH DEAR," he said. They both bowed.
Joan of Arc looked at the Green Lady and shrugged her shoulders, the
Green Lady smiled at Joan and in a voice that was just a bit too loud.
"Say "˜far' "˜canal' as if it were one word."
Joan quickly covered her mouth with her hand and breathed in at about
the same time as every-one else burst out laughing and began
rapturously applauding.
The Wizards Apprentice held the microphone again and said.
"AND SO., THE END IS HERE., IT'S TIME TO SAY. GOOD BYE, OH DEAR."
Having said that the Wizards apprentice and the Kings Gossip Columnist
bowed, then they left the stage.
The compere thanked them and said that while the next act was getting
prepared they would take a break and that he would be back later.
The Preacher turned towards the Puritan,
"Whilst the language at the end could be described as pertaining to be
unpleasant it was a very clever thing that they did, so if I had some
money then I would surely offer it to them."
"Huh, what ? Oh yeah, it was good," said the Puritan.
"Well that was fun," said the Preacher.
"That Puritan bloke seems happy about it," said the Wizard.
"I'll take that smile off his face," said the Preacher.
"Go on then," said the Wizard.
"This'll be easy," said the Preacher, "just be sure not to get drawn in
to the heated discussion."
"Yeah, okay, understood," said the Wizard.
"It's all about who would win a fight between a caveman and an
astronaught, the chances are they would never meet, so the argument
is purely theoretical and as such, the only way to win is to kill those
that disagree with you, of course the other thing is astronaughts tend
to be middle aged, not fighting fit, where-as cavemen tend to be
seriously fit or severely wounded, so any fight is going to unfair.
When people that are in the argument think of a person, they seem to
imagine a twenty five year old that's fully fit, being that is the case
a difference of belief occurs," declared the Preacher.
"Oh, right, gotcha, sit back and enjoy," said the Wizard
"Hang on a mo"˜, I've done this before and I know who will take a
second bite," said the Preacher.
"Ya-haay!, HEY Puritan this Wizard agrees with me, she says the
caveman would thrash an astronought, easily."
"She's demented then, it's obvious that the astronaught would win."
"Hey Joan, you tell this idiot that the caveman would win," said
the Wizard.
With-in the minute several more had joined the heated discussion, with
a few others on the cusp, the arguments followed
"Look at them," said the Columnist, this is meant to be a happy
occasion, they are arguing with each other."
"Not every-one, look at the Wizard and the Preacher. They both look
a bit smug, and guess what, they started all this off."
The columnist raised his beer to the Preacher and smiled,
the Preacher smiled back.
"Give this a bit to die down then I'll get that Joan with my bone, listen
this is what I'll do," said the Apprentice
He walked about the table and talked to a few folk, then returned to
his seat. Wesley tried to calm the arguing down.
"HEY! Give it back," shouted the Wizards Apprentice
"I threw it to the Wizard," replied the Columnist, "I don't have it"
"Oi, Wizard you give it back," called the Apprentice.
"Come and get it then!" said the Wizard, "hey Joan catch this,"
Joan of Arc rose to catch the item, when suddenly the bone was in
her hands. The Mack truck and two sledge-hammers hitting her brought
about the realisation that she had been set up.
"That's my bone! give it to me!" shouted the Apprentice.
"She's done it again," said The Angel, "that's terrible."
Joan sat down and ...a voice in her ear said it all,
"Who's a naughty girlie," it was the Wizards Apprentice.
"Hey Joan, leave his bone alone," shouted Faith.
"Maybe somebody else should be called the Big Bad," said the Preacher.
"Button, Button, whose got the Button?, my monies on Red," said God,
"Reds a naughty girlie."
Joan closed her eyes and hung her head.
"Excuse me could you please show me the bone," said the kings Scribe.
"Oh that's strange, nothing," he said to the Wizards Apprentice, then
turning to face Joan he said, "Guess it must be a hands on thing."
This brought the house down, strangely enough Joan of Arc didn't
appreciate it. Zeus sat down, he was excited at was about to happen
even though he had no knowledge of what it was, the Serving Wench
poured him a large jug full of frothy beer,
"Do you know how we get the beer all frothy?" she asked.
"Go on then, tell me," replied Zeus.
"We've got a big tub out the back, and the chef's have put three
chickens with clipped wings and four pigs with their food just out of
reach in the tub, if you want to get a reaction from some-one, then
wait until near the end of the night."
"Why wait until later on?"
"It'll have a bigger response when they've had a few beers, all you'd
have to say is how the beer gets frothy and casually mention that you
hope the pigs don't have any the r more."
The Serving Wench then went around the table and handed the
Preacher a certain bone from a chicken which he promptly held up.
"Hey Joan want to play with my bone?, hope you get happy again 'cos
we've got to do the doggy thing soon."
"Okay people, settle down please," said the compere, "We now have
some people who will show you their skills at dancing."
Faith, Buffy, the Kings Scribe, God, Zeus, Joan of Arc, the Puritan and
the Preacher made their way on to the stage and stood in a line.
Shrieks of laughter filled the room as those on stage performed the
Snoopy dance. When they had finished the dance the "˜audience'
erupted and encores were called for, the Preacher made a comment
which every-one on stage agreed with.
"BLOODY SOD OFF YOU LOT!"
The compere moved to the microphone
"Such grace and tranquillity I have never seen before, thankfully I"˜ll
never see it again, we now have a musical intermission."
The Puritan smiled, he was happy that all his friends were happy.
Lorne went and sat next to the Puritan.
"I'm on next."
They talked and talked about their friends, on stage the
instruments were being changed and unnoticed a few different
people moved on to the stage.
THE END