Loneliness

[nightshade]

Every so often I see a report on how lonely people are, and in this age of people having less children is it only going to get worse? It's not about being happy alone, as Cordelia says you can be lonely in a crowd.

Do you feel lonely? I look back and in my late teens and early twenties I was very lonely. I had the internet but until my mid twenties I didn't really have friends.

 

[Bluebird]

I don't think having less children equates to loneliness. My parents love me but they couldn't wait until my sister and I moved out. Plus there's enough ways to make childless women and couples feel guilty without accusing them of contributing to loneliness.

I never have felt that way tbh. I always had a close family where we didn't have to chat inane small talk or pretend to be something we're not to please them, so that keeps a family connection strong. With friends, it's a whole different kettle of fish. Most of the time I wish I knew less people. Most of the time I wish I was alone. I put up with my husband because he also doesn't expect something else than what he knows. 😛

 

[one eyed chicklet]

I don’t feel very lonely, I get on with people very easily and I have a few close friends. Unlike Cordy, my friends listen to what I say and don’t hang around me to be popular (I’m just about the opposite).

 

[sk]

Yeah, it's important to understand the difference between feeling lonely and being alone.
Being alone is usually okay. In my case almost a most. Being lonely can be a terrible thing though.

When I was younger some teachers and others worried about be.
That I didn't have much friends, if any, that I would be lonely etc... But in general I didn't feel that way.
Perhaps on a few occasion I could've whished to have some close friend but I never found it worth it overall.

The strain of having "nosy" people around me always felt much worse than not having them there on occasion.
I had more problem making sure people didn't got too close instead. I really wanted my space. lol
And still do.

I'm obviously very far from an expert on these thing so I might be very off about this...
But at times I feel that parents can be so afraid that their kids are lonely so by constantly making sure that they have company and things to do that they never learn to be alone.
So when you get older and don't have that support anymore you don't know how to handle being alone and ends up feeling lonely instead.

/SK

 

[white avenger]

I have always been what could be considered a solitary man, as opposed to someone who dislikes or avoids people. I'm generally as comfortable alone as with people. A doctor once told me that this is because my memory is encyclopedic, whereas most people have linear memory. I used to actually talk to myself a lot when I was alone, but I got in an argument about gun control with myself one day, and now I'm not on speaking terms with myself.

 

[nightshade]

I don't think having less children equates to loneliness

I think I was thinking more, do older people feel more lonely as they don't have grandchildren?

 

[one eyed chicklet]

do older people feel more lonely as they don't have grandchildren?

The woman I used to work for is in her 60's and has no children. She loves kids so she runs a lot of drama classes for them because she doesn't have grandchildren. She enjoyed it because a lot of kids come from the ages of 9 and leave at 16 so she gets to see them all grow up. I think now she's retired she might start to feel more lonely.

 

[Ethan Reigns]

I know some people who are terrified of being alone. Not just lonely but alone. It always grates on me when I hear the Barbra Streisand song "People Who Need People" and it describes them as the luckiest people in the world? Sorry, people who need people have a deep seated psychological problem. People who like people are the healthier ones. I don't generally seek out relationships because there is a disruption of your own life when you accommodate other people and to me, it is not worth it. For four years, I lived in a co-op townhouse development where everybody was in everybody else's knickers (figuratively in most but not all cases) and it was a relief when I finally got my own home in an area where people believed good fences make good neighbours.

That said, I have had times when I was younger and lonely and wondered if I was doing something wrong in my life. But left to my own devices, I tend to be a hermit. There was one person who I knew as a psychic who told me I had a life as a Roman Catholic monk in Scotland. Although I don't feel the connection with this (at least, not the same as I do about ancient middle-kingdom Egypt), it is perfectly consistent with my personality.

 

[HowiMetdaSlayer]

Reminded me of a scene from Once & Again...

With her it was like there was two places—the inside room and the outside room...
She could be in the middle of a house full of people and still feel like she was locked up by herself.

Both are quotes from The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers

There used to be a gif of the scene/quote. Couldn't find it. 😳

 

[DeadlyDuo]

I think I was thinking more, do older people feel more lonely as they don't have grandchildren?

I think elderly people and children feel loneliness more than adults in general. Adults have to work and so they're around the same people every day. A social relationship is going to form, whether that be as friends or just work colleagues.

Children feel loneliness, particularly at playtimes if they have nobody to play with. They can see other children playing with their friends and it makes them feel left out and socially rejected. This can then effect their feelings of self-worth and self-esteem. As children grow, they tend to put more worth in the opinions of their peers hence why peer pressure can be a problem because children don't want to be cast out of their so called friendship group and be alone.

Elderly people feel lonely the most. Their social circle is likely starting to die off, family might not be able to visit as often as they like due to their commitments and possibly travel distance. Health problems may prevent elderly people from leaving the house and they don't want to be "a bother" to someone else. care homes are essentially seen as God's waiting rooms so elderly people would rather struggle on alone than be sent there. Once they are forced to be residents due to circumstance, any social relationships they do form with other residents have a time limit on them due to the certainty of death.

 

[Kratos]

I never really felt lonely tbh. Sometimes I prefer being alone anyway. I always had someone to talk to, even if I’d just talk to him or her just for the sake of talking which I’ve outgrown thankfully. Unlike Cordy, I think there’s no point in being part of a crowd if the other members are going to talk badly about you behind your back or you have nothing in common with them.

 

[November]

I think our algorithms are different, I've seen more articles on how childfree and single are happiest!

The happiest people are childless and unmarried women, scientist says

Women who are not married and do not have children are among the happiest people around, according to a prominent psychologist.Single, childless women are also likely to be healthier and live longer than their peers bogged down by domestic responsibilities, professor Paul Dolan told his audience...

www.indy100.com

Women who are not married and do not have children are among the happiest people around, according to a prominent psychologist.
Single, childless women are also likely to be healthier and live longer than their peers bogged down by domestic responsibilities, professor Paul Dolan told his audience at the Hay Festival in Hay-on-Wye, Wales.
Dolan, an expert in behavioural science from the London School of Economics and the author of Happy Ever After, said the latest data indicated that our traditional measures of social success like marriage and motherhood do not necessarily correspond with happiness levels.

While men typically "calm down" once they are married, taking fewer personal risks and earning more money at work, the same is not true for women.

The healthiest and happiest population subgroup are women who never married or had children.
I am going to do a massive disservice to [the] academic science and just say: if you are a man, you should probably get married; if you are a woman, don't bother.

Professor Dolan did say that the social stigma attached to remaining single (as battled against so fearlessly by Bridget Jones) could have a knock-on effect in certain cases and ultimately leave some feeling unhappy.

You see a single woman of 40, who has never had children – ‘Bless, that’s a shame, isn’t it? Maybe one day you’ll meet the right guy and that’ll change.’
No, maybe she’ll meet the wrong guy and that’ll change. Maybe she’ll meet a guy who makes her less happy and healthy, and die sooner.

He was also amazingly frank about the experience of many parents:

It would be categorically awful if anything happened to them, but the experiences we have with children are largely miserable.

...and about marriage in general:

Married people are happier than other population subgroups, but only when their spouse is in the room when they are asked how happy they are. When the spouse is not present: f***ing miserable.

This is not the first time the psychological benefits of singledom for women have been spotlighted recently

I deleted my last post cos it didn't sound right. Words are a problem today haha. The majority where I live are elderly (in home care town), a few have told me that if they were to do life again, they would not have had children. I have heard more bitching about grown children here than even on childfree facebook groups haha. It was a job to them, not a joy. The grandchildren are a burden that interrupt the sewing/pub schedule lol. I am solid in my choice not to have children. What they complained about was pretty much my entire personality haha so that showed me that the generational gap is going to factor in more so when the kids stop being cute and start being a disappointment. Of course I am not speaking for the entire population, but more regret their choices to breed than make publicly known.

Being such a close knit town, the singles all check in on each other frequently. I have been known to hide when a chatty one knocks on the door haha. I know I am made to be alone, but I do struggle managing to live remotely like this. The others who live here have decades of practice on me. I hope I learn from them, the sense of community is very strong and a bit overwhelming, I don't want to dive headlong into burnout again. More singles = more community involvement judging from this place.

 

[Anyanka Bunny Slayer]

I really prefer being alone. When I was a child, I read a lot and loved rainy days! Just lying on my bed, surrounded by good books and eating cookies. This hasn't changed much, though I miss the used bookstores that used to be around.
I'm a people person, but I learned early on that being in groups for too long is EXHAUSTING. Sometimes, I just don't want to talk to people. And I can't deal with inane chatter. Especially insincere things, people just making conversation to fill the silence. I like the silence...but so many people have this need to keep talking, and it's like they search for an audience. How many times have I just wanted to shriek, "Oh my God!!! Just shut the hell up! Please!"
I'm a social person. Just not all the time. I have NEVER felt lonely, in fact, the times that I'm alone are magical. Plus, those days where I'm NOT required to speak to anyone are just amazing.

 

[thrasherpix]

I don't feel lonely. As a kid I prefer quality to quantity, only paying attention to popularity to the minimal extent of not being singled out (which at times included violence to make others seem like easier prey). I didn't care about popularity, just in being with those I actually liked. Looking back on it, I'm amazed at what I got away with in trolling the more popular kids.

I think after being made to live with my parents (rather than grandmother as I had been) I learned to escape in books. The girls shunned me after awhile (mainly because the parents didn't want their girls exposed to my family) though there were still the boys. But I learned to escape into books, which became a lot like friends to me. Luckily I still had friends, but I believe books kept me from feeling lonely or needing more than I actually had.

Some of the most dreary memories I have was living with my mom while she was a divorced alcoholic. She'd call me in and make me look at her old modelling portfolio while drunkenly telling me stories that made me wonder why anyone would want to be a model, let alone miss it (and also played the most depressing songs, and this is coming from someone who listened to bands like Bauhaus as well as the depressing older country music back then). I felt trapped. I'd steal her alcohol to give to others for friendship, and food in the process (unfortunately, or fortunately for her, nobody wanted her Virginia Slims so her cigarettes were safe from me, at least until she got the discount ones).


As for today...I guess about the same. I have more trouble with people wanting to be my friend than the other way around. Like one woman I had to work with. An older lady I had a good business relationship with and happily did small talk with retired, putting another woman in charge. That one, despite being older than me, was incredibly insecure and demanded so much time from me, even calling me. She was constantly scanning my words for disapproval and when I tried to break away, sometimes because I was just tired, she'd ask me what she had done wrong. That was so tiring, and I was stressed because I'd allowed other business connections in that specific endeavor lapse as I liked the older woman so well so I was kind of stuck with the new woman for the moment, but seriously thinking of finding someone else to do business with. A high school girl helped me to deal with her (advising me to ask her what she did and say I wish I could do that, etc) which helped. (Also, FB was starting to become a real thing to adults and I think she got her validation from there.)

I don't have children of my own. I honestly don't know if those I helped raise will visit me or not. Given how despicably many treat the elderly I'll consider myself lucky if the worst that happens is that I get ignored. I'm confident I'll still have friends my own age. If not, I'll get a pet (with arrangements for what will happen to them after I die). Pets are actually better in some ways, and as someone who has attended funerals of loved ones, I can say losing a pet hurts as much, more so in a way.

 

[November]

I hate clingy things, even clingy animals. I used to want a dog but now I think it would annoy me too much, at least I can lock bunnies up! Part of the reason I moved away was to get away from clingy people, who have still visited more than I would like. I still feel trapped by forced interactions with people I am too kind to cut off. I am mid migraine and cant get my words into any meaning this week. I should go camping alone for a night, get my mind back in order. It's the ultimate recharge for me.

I have more trouble with people wanting to be my friend than the other way around.

This is where I am at. Lately people have been very generous towards me, including online, but I just dont have the energy available. They tend to think me not accepting their gifts, is me rejecting them as a person, when that is not the case. I am too drained to maintain myself let alone friendships. Most of the time the gifts involve some input from me, which is more difficult than just going it alone. I ruminate over what I have said to put them off, which drains me further. Its much more peaceful to have not interacted with people at all, but then I see the Act Belong Commit mental health advice everywhere that tells me I am mad and making myself sicker for preferring to be alone. Confusion sets in.

I was chatting to the tranny at the pub during their breaks on friday night. Since then, I have had 4 text messages and 11 missed calls. Institutionalisation trained me to be kind to those suffering to that degree, to know how to move and interact, but it makes the leeches cling to me and so far my only means of relief from them is avoidance. My boundaries are all gone and I dont have the strength to build them back. If I did have the strength to keep those who drain at bay, maybe I would be more open to those who offer gifts. Sigh, its all complicated and I just want to be a self sufficient hermit. Human interaction is too much but I live in the middle of a small town, i cant even go out into my garden without someone stopping for a chat. I need the neighbours so I can afford to survive out here. I wish I didnt, There are way too many layers to all this. The circles and cycles bigger than I knew.

I get recharged by alone time, by net time, by tv time but I am sure I drain those net friends as much as the real life leeches drain me. I havent meditated today and havent been walking yet - all of that feeds the confusion I am sure. I am way too sensitive to be around as many people as I have been around over the weekend and I regret ever leaving the house and pushing to be more than I am. I can dance or sing or say a speech in front of thousands with no worries, its the unscripted interactions that do me in.

When I say I don't get lonely, it is often dismissed. I love to be alone, I didn't even like to have animals in the house until Anyanka demon demanded it. (She is currently getting in to mischief for attention, but wont come up and sit with me for it). I find some situations lonely - like medical appointments. That is more fear than loneliness, cos I tend to hate those who force me into it too.

I feel more connected when I am alone. I have had far too much social time this week and I feel like a total mess because of it. I cant find where I am at through what all the other people have thrown at me.

 

[The Bronze]

Every so often I see a report on how lonely people are, and in this age of people having less children is it only going to get worse?

Yes I think it will get worse and having less children will be a factor but not the defining one.

So reading this a lot of people have expressed how they're not lonely and often happier alone, which is cool. The thing is that's because they're getting the level of social contact they desire. Loneliness kicks in when that's not met. Whether your bar is low or high.

The scale of the problem will vary from place to place based on the politics of the country / region. I can only speak for the UK but it's becoming one of the biggest problems and that's on the back of 40 years of telling everyone there's no such thing as society and that individual gain is king.

All of these are important factors to consider: less secure work, lower wages, cuts to council services, closure of public spaces and many more. Having less kids and smaller families becomes more significant if there's less community ties.

Personally I'm a very sociable person and I'm lucky enough to have a partner, close family & friends and the means to go out by myself if I want to as well. One of my biggest worries about the future would be loneliness if my circumstances changed.

 

[ILLYRIAN]

Personally I wouldn't wish any of my younger friends to have children, if they did what would those children have to live through. Disregarding the major social problems the worlds leaders are trying to impact on other countries there are the issues of what the condition of the planet will be thanks to the lack of foresight of current politicians.

What will the increase of sea level be like in this century?

Which year will see most of Louisiana cease to exist? Currently it is losing an area about the size football pitch each 45 minutes

In what year will a Category 6 Cyclone hit America? No doubt Trump will want to blame a coloured 6 Y.O. in Africa for it.

Each year the ice melt in Greenland seems to increase.

Insects have started to fall in number, if to many fall in number we have problems. Should the ground warm even a bit there will be problems growing the more and more food needed to support a growing population. When will the farmer look at his field and try to decide between growing food or supporting livestock?

Given that so many people live in coastal cities how high do the king tides need to be before those cities become uninhabitable. And if those 100 million people move where will they go and how will they afford to buy again?

It sounds like a bloody good idea to start limiting the numbers of babies being forced to suffer on this planet. Loneliness is a relative (no pun intended) thing. To avoid it become more sociable with like minded people.

Those plans are not to stop the onset of Climate Change, they are to stop the world dying. And if we are wrong about Climate Change as so many world leaders and members on this site keep trying to tell us, are we doing injury to the planet?

 

[Blaze]

I love being alone, in fact I require a lot of alone time. But that doesn't mean I don't get lonely. There are different kinds of lonely. I'll miss my family when I can't go down to visit them for a few months. I miss some friends that I have not seen in years. I can feel lonely when I don't have a romantic partner. But I may not feel lonely in other areas of my life.

I can see how having less children may make some people more lonely. A parent who always expected to become a grandparent might experience loneliness at that loss even if they are surrounded by people. Being alone doesn't equate to loneliness, but the opposite is also true.

 

[BibliophileAnn]

I don't ever feel lonely and I am more than fine being by myself. I can not seem to get enough time to myself. Having a room to myself is not enough for me and I think about being all alone all the time. When I do get it to be all by myself I get the most wonderful feeling deep inside me that is hard to describe.

 

[Ethan Reigns]

I am getting a sense of irony from this thread. What is the usual reason people like BtVS and Ats? The interrelationships between the characters. What do they prefer in their own lives? Solitude. Most of the replies in this thread are from people who prefer solitude, don't think family life is for them and see far more negative than positive about having friends. Maybe the attraction of these shows is that we see intimacy bringing failure and attractive people having as much or more trouble than ourselves with relationships. As I have said before, all ships sink in the Whedonverse. Instead of the thought "what a great ensemble cast and look at how they get along with each other", the thought some of us have may be "thank God I don't have to put up with this". And nothing goes right for very long as the "yes we can" man says: