Love/Lust

[Edmund Blackadder]

Its a very simple thread really.

Have you ever been in love with, or in lust with, someone you shouldn't have been?
eg a friend, a friends gf/bf, a married man/woman, Lassie?

What did you do about it?


Note: If it was Lassie - no details🙂

 

[Rayne]

Oh my God...yes. Two. I'll let you know if I ever figure out WHAT to do...

Any advice I'm open for suggestions.

 

[Edmund Blackadder]

I'm hoping for sme advice too.

I have been the person on both ends.
When it was someone I loved, and it was love, I was unable to do anything. I ignored it for so long that the person who was a dear friend too is now not even an acquaintance.

Well the reason for the thread is that the shoe is on the other foot.

Someone I adore (as a friend) is interested but sadly I am not (and I really wish I was because we fit almost perfectly its just I am not interested) the thing is I am as unsure in this situation as I was in the other.
You would think that being I have been on the other side I would know how to treat my friend but I just don't.

I have made it clear we're just friends, I think, but I just don't seem be dealing with it well.

 

[Joan the Vampire Slayer]

Its a very simple thread really.

Have you ever been in love with, or in lust with, someone you shouldn't have been?
eg a friend, a friends gf/bf, a married man/woman, Lassie?

What did you do about it?


Note: If it was Lassie - no details🙂

LOL Yep. Haven't we all? Of course, non of us have had the epic and forbidden love that Buff and Angel have...thank god! haha.

 

[Chase Summers]

I'm hoping for sme advice too.

I have been the person on both ends.
When it was someone I loved, and it was love, I was unable to do anything. I ignored it for so long that the person who was a dear friend too is now not even an acquaintance.

Well the reason for the thread is that the shoe is on the other foot.

Someone I adore (as a friend) is interested but sadly I am not (and I really wish I was because we fit almost perfectly its just I am not interested) the thing is I am as unsure in this situation as I was in the other.
You would think that being I have been on the other side I would know how to treat my friend but I just don't.

I have made it clear we're just friends, I think, but I just don't seem be dealing with it well.

Tricky subject. First question: why do you think you're not dealing with it well? I gues what I'm really asking is are you acting differently towards your friend?

And why are you not interested? anything specifically?

In my experience if one focuses heavily on the friendship, and avoids situations that might be misinterpted as romantic for a while, it's possible to salvage the friendship, and come out with a stronger relationship.

If you're sure that there could never be anything romantic or you value the friendship more, then the best thing you can do is acknowledge the feelings, and then tell your friend that nothing could ever happen between you (sensitively). Then pretend nothing out of the ordinary has happened.

What hurt me with my friend just as much as the rejection was that the friendship was irrevocably ruined because my friend acted so weird.


But to me, it's super important that your friend be able to let go and focus on the friendship even more than you. Otherwise, it won't work I'm afraid.

Hope this helps 🙂

 

[Kean]

I have been in this sitiuation, except I was on the other side. I wasn't in love yet but I fell for my friend hard and think if he had felt the same way and I had been given the chance for the feelings to fully develop I would have fallen head over heals in love with him. How to handle it? Honestly the only part that you will really play is letting your friend know that you are not interested, after that they will need time to deal with it themselves, away from you. For me it was really hard, we had been unbelievably close and, at times, I felt like I had lost a limb when I wasn't around him. I needed that though, I needed to get over him and be happy without him. We have known each other since we were 15 and it literally took us two years with little to no interaction before it was comfortable again, before it felt right. Thankfully we reached that stage and he is my absolute best friend on the planet. Sometimes I wonder what could have been but there isn't a pang to go along with that thought anymore. We don't have any of that 'touch digits' awkwardness that Xander and Willow struggled with after they got caught. We still hug and mess fight and act as we always have, we're friends ( I have even tried to set him up with some girls I know) ultimately we just want each other to be happy.

This is just my story and how it worked out for me. I don't know if will be the same for you but you can be friends with people you used to have feelings for.

 

[Rayne]

God. You guys are so much stronger than I am...I can't stay away. I get withdrawl and I feel like I can't breathe. I get so obsessivly insane that I swear I'll crawl out of my skin, shrivel up and die without that. Even though when he's there it kills me because I can't have what I want. But, I'm emotion based. I guess it depends on how you process things. And your will power and control. I have none apparently. Thank God I get the psych eval tomorrow...

BOTD, Yeah, all you can do with the friend is break your feelings to them as gently and yet as clearly as possible. Then give them their space. It's all you can do. You can't be responsible for their heart. For what they do with it. It sucks and it's hard when you love and value someone and you want to keep them near but if it's meant to work out it will. Like Keanoite said. Distance and time. I went through that with a break up. I loved him and wanted in my life but he needed time. It took years but we're best friends again. And better for it. Just be straight forward. honest. it's the best thing you can do for 'em.

 

[Kean]

God. You guys are so much stronger than I am...I can't stay away. I get withdrawl and I feel like I can't breathe. I get so obsessivly insane that I swear I'll crawl out of my skin, shrivel up and die without that. Even though when he's there it kills me because I can't have what I want. But, I'm emotion based. I guess it depends on how you process things. And your will power and control. I have none apparently. Thank God I get the psych eval tomorrow...

BOTD, Yeah, all you can do with the friend is break your feelings to them as gently and yet as clearly as possible. Then give them their space. It's all you can do. You can't be responsible for their heart. For what they do with it. It sucks and it's hard when you love and value someone and you want to keep them near but if it's meant to work out it will. Like Keanoite said. Distance and time. I went through that with a break up. I loved him and wanted in my life but he needed time. It took years but we're best friends again. And better for it. Just be straight forward. honest. it's the best thing you can do for 'em.

Exactly. When you see these stories typed on the screen they seem so straightforward and instant but just keep in mind that that isn't the case. Those two years that I spoke of were possibily the hardest of my life, not simply because I was seperated from someone I shared a huge emotional connection with, there was other stuff, significant stuff going on, but the lack of support from him, the person who I would naturally go to, was crippling at times. His absence was palpable. You've been through this, so you know but just prepare yourself for a tough time. Nothing about this will be pleasant...not for a long time if ever.

 

[Nix]

Its a very simple thread really.

Have you ever been in love with, or in lust with, someone you shouldn't have been?
eg a friend, a friends gf/bf, a married man/woman, Lassie?

What did you do about it?


Note: If it was Lassie - no details🙂

Erm yup... minus the Dog!!

A friend a few times, a mates b/f and a mates g/f, and a married man..... looking back all were only Lust.

most of the time nothing was done...

 

[November]

A close friend of mine developed some feelings for me and I probably handled it really badly. We hardly talk now but that was more because we lost touch when she went to Europe, although if we hadn't had this situation we might not have lost touch. If I had the time again I would have said straight from the beginning that I wasn't interested and perhaps would have bordered on harsh to get the point across, just so there was NO misunderstanding.

Back in high school the shoe was on the other foot, I fell for one of my friends. I know he didn't feel the same way about me but I didn't really care, I was still getting what I wanted. We don't see each other much these days, he lives 6 hours away but when ever we catch up I revert back to the silly high school kid.
Yep I don't have any good advice, it never ends well in my experience!

 

[caitaintdead]

Well I had a neat little love triangle myself a few years ago.

I was best mates with these two guys, I was in love with one, and never told him. The day I chose to tell him he was also told by another girl that she was in love with him. Bummer.

Then the other guy poured his heart out to me and sadly, I didn't feel the same as I was in love with his best friend.

I did try to make things work with the friend that was interested in me, as I definitely thought the world of him, but it was never going to work.

Things were awkward between the three of us for a couple of months but then things got better rapidly.

I guess you've posted this thread because you want advice on these situations, but honestly I can't give you any. Be upfront, but not to upfront. The last thing you want is to completely break her heart.

 

[InsaneMystic]

"Falling in love" just sucks. Period. ^^

When I was the one having the emotions (unfortunately, I have lots of experience with that) I sometimes tried praying to make them go away... helped somewhat - shortening the duration of the sickness (< I regard romantics as such) from the usual three months down to half that time. Since I'm on Prozac, I've been free from re-infection. 😉

I've only been on the receiving end of romantics twice in my life. Once it led to a relationship, as I unfortunately reciprocated the feelings (one of the absolut worst mistakes in my life, and one I don't intend to ever repeat!), the other time I tried to hold up contact for a while, but it didn't work out so I sighingly shut down all channels of communications for two months, hoping she'd sober up in that time. It's not easy having to steel yourself to that, I can tell you... as said woman lowered herself to hanging around chatroom channels where I was at that time, again and again leaving public messages intended for me, even though I would be the only one who could not read them (having her on my ignore list). No fun at all, especially if you do feel friendly and sympathetic to your "stalker" after all. :sigh: When I (rarely) chat with her nowadays, she seems more stable, but it's probably always going to remain somewhat uneasy.


As for lust... well, I'm confident that as grown up, mature people, one can find a solution or another, as long as one manages to keep emotion out of the picture. Sex tends to be overrated anyway. Surely nice if it happens, but no really big deal if you have to go without it for a year or five IMO. 😉

 

[LorneyTunes]

Not really for me My ex cheated on me and then left me for the local Bike . I have no lusty or love feelings for anyone because I need trust first but if Johnny depp or David Mitchell ever want to drop on by no problems x

 

[Veyron]

My last 'relationship', if it could be called that was a short, but very nice experience. I fell in love at first sight with a beautiful blonde who is 10 years my junior -- not that ages matters (not to me anyway). She and I went out for a few months until one day she told me she had to go away for a few days due to her job.

I accepted this without question and the last words she said to me where 'I'll call you tomorrow.' Except that tomorrow never came. This happened 11 years ago on December 2nd. She went away, didn't call, and from that day to this, I've never spoken, saw or heard from her - much to my chagrin. I've lost count of the amount of times I've wanted to go to where she lives or lived at the time to see or speak to her if possible, but I've never have and I don't know why - I've also lost count of the amount of times I've wished that we could just bump into each other in some way, but so far that wish hasn't even come close to occurring. To be honest, I don't even know what I'd say if I ever did meet her again, I do know that I'd not be angry with her as she has a special place in my heart and that place will be there till the day I die.

As for lust - heck, I've lost count of the amount of times I've been in lust. At one point in my life I think I was in lust with a different person every other day! I think it depended upon my mood at the time to be truthful.

I've been starved of love in my life and I'm an emotional guy at heart who simply wants to love someone and be loved by someone who's not interested in me for what I look like or what I can or cannot give them - but someone who looks at the person inside. A pipe dream? Probably considering today's society.

 

[palabravampiress]

Yup. For four years, I was friends with the guy who was dating my best friend. There was always a little bit of sexual tension between us, but we never acted on it. I dated other people. He dated that same chick. Then, when his girlfriend cheated on him and my guy cheated on me (not with one another, btw), we started hanging out more. One thing led to another... and now we're married! So I guess I had inappropriate lusty feelings for my best friend's guy, and so I married him. All things considered, the situation worked out remarkably well. We still sometimes hang out with or remain in contact with both of our exes, both of whom were big enough to even support us by going to our wedding.

Of course, I was also once on the other side of this whole thing. A close friend of mine had feelings for me that I did not reciprocate. We dated, but he wanted love with a big L. I was soooo not ready for that. He kept pushing and I kept backing off, but I cared about him and didn't want to hurt him, so I let the relationship continue longer than I should have. It was a mess. When I finally broke it off, he was heartbroken. I tried to maintain the friendship, but after dating, he really wasn't interested in me as a friend anymore. And yeah, that stung. Things were never the same between us again. He didn't even want to go to my wedding five years later. Now, we don't talk at all. If I had it to do over again, I would never have dated him.

So, yeah. I've been on both sides of the fence. Like Keaonite, I gotta say that these things can take a few long, difficult years to work themselves out. They can work themselves out, though. As my marriage proves, sometimes they work themselves out better than anyone could ever have imagined!

 

[JenniferAlice]

Have you ever been in love with, or in lust with, someone you shouldn't have been?
eg a friend, a friends gf/bf, a married man/woman, Lassie?

What did you do about it?

Yes. I fell in love with a friend, a friend I had worked with over a long time.. I don't know though, I was on a lot of drugs, so maybe it wasn't love, it felt like love though.

We don't talk anymore, it go to the point where we were both going to die if we kept hanging out with each other.

As for real love, I met a guy when I was 16, feel completely in love, we both did, spent 5 years together on and off, he was my best friend, and my boyfriend, everything.
Everyone said we were great together, totally well suited, but earlier this year he left me, out of nowhere, I found out he had been seeing someone else for 8 months..
I found it hard to believe, we told each other everything, I felt completely betrayed, I felt as if I had lost everythin'g.
And so, I overdosed, nearly died, and now I'm on anti-depressants. YAY! I love life.
But really, I don't think I want to be with anyone for a very long time, I need to learn to look after myself first.

THE SONG

 

[yellowcrayon]

Well, I've been on the receiving end of people liking me and my not returning it. I've also had someone supposedly fall in love with my then-boyfriend (now husband).

When it was folks doing it to me, I was blissfully ignorant. Sorta. 😉 I tend to be a little, intentionally oblivious to this sort of thing because I don't want to face it. I did, though, make sure to keep things to a very friend level, as opposed to good friend. I'd cut down on real private communication, etc., and also purposefully ignore/take the wrong way things that were clearly meant to hit on me, or some such. Looking back now it wasn't that fair to them, but it made things a little less awkward for me. Wow, I'm selfish. 😛

As for the other incident... the problem is now that, through a strange twist of fate (Why God, why?) she is now a part of my husband's (and now my) extended family. We talk on IM still (we were friends before she met DH), from time to time. I no longer hate her or think her as much of a b**** as I used to, but from time to time I'm faced with an overwhelming desire to be horrifically catty to her (esp. since I know I'm very capable of it). Fortunately (for both of us?) we still haven't met in person yet, so...

All that to say, I'd suggest that patience and "friends only" is the way to go with this sort of thing.

 

[4.O.cious Miss]

RE:

There's no point in beating around the bush with this person, if this person is in love with you that would only cause problems. IMO just be open and honest, and the person will respect you more in the long run. I'm not saying to contact this person and abruptly tell them they have no chance in hell...Break it to them gently if thats what the situation calls for- But make it perfectly clear. Sure, they may not be very happy about it at first, but it's going to be a major stab to him or her either way. It's a tough situation... especially if this person is a long time friend, but this is all the more reason not to confuse things. I hope things work out for you chico, and remember...My advice comes with no warranty or refund! LOL..😉 Luv ya!

 

[itsxpaperdoll]

I've never been in a situation like you're describing, but I've seen it happen around me a couple of times. There's only two things I can advice: take distance, and be honest. Doesn't matter what shoe is on whose foot. Someone has to act like a grown-up and take responsibility. And since you're not hopelesly in love, Edmund, and you're already thinking about it yourself, it should be you. But also on the other side, if you happen to be the one loving/lusting, you can always say no. Love is all emotional, I know, and I know (from seeing it in others, I've been pretty much living a love-less life the last 18 years) it's incredibly hard to resist feelings (of love, but also of not wanting to hurt the other) but these are situations when mind does go over body. You can ALWAYS say no. And take responsibility. And BE HONEST. Don't lie, don't go looking for excuses that aren't there. (of course, don't just go "bugger off, you brolly" and run away. Honesty can go nicely with being, erm, nice) and explain. It will be hard, but in the end, like in Kean's example, it wil be for the best. Good luck.

 

[Queen Mum]

Mh, I don't think that there is a right or wrong answer to a problem like it. In a way I would prefer honesty where people can just tell each other, what they feel, what they think without worrying about fatal consequences. Just that people know what is going on and life just carries on without any remorse. I mean, in a way it should be possible to open up to your soulmate without being afraid of scaring him away, destroying the friendship or anything like it. If it is your bestfriend, she or he should be able to understand and make it easy.

I know the fear of destroying a perfect friendship or losing an extremely close friend is always looming in the darkness to kick the door in and say "harr, harr gotch biatch, you are ruined", but in a way, I think, if it's the right and perfect match, one shouldn't have to worry about your head.

I mean, in a way people are often too conscious about what their head says and thinks and then go on and mess it up. Kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. On the other hand you've got people who don't experience anything like it and they can just do anything, without fearing anything like "normal born" people do ^^

Well at the same time, I don't see anything wrong with just being friends. I find the word "just" friends missleading, because I value friendship more important than anything else. Love is so vulnerable and breakable, that friendship is in comparison a solid rock. I believe it's a good friendship, it should be able to survive a "confession" like a 'I Love You' without messing things up. In a way it should come as a relief. You should feel good and right about saying it. If that's the case, then go ahead and make yourself happy, but if you are not convinced stick with being friends and love the time you can spend together, hanging out, having fun and so on.


Oh and then there is always the possibility of being coloured friends. However, that doesn't work when the person is married. At least it shouldn't really. I mean, well, no it shouldn't. If the person you have got feelings for is married, doesn't it make it generall just very complicated? Well you always can "come out" with your feelings, but I don't think you will be able to find the love of your life that way. Atleast not all of life works like Californication 😉

Well, I hope that helped in a way and wasn't too confusing. My mind just wondered all over the place ^^