Question Marriage?

[Lou]

^^ Yeah, kind of what Palabra said.
We're not really religious and if we are we STINK at it. Bryan can't even say if he's Baptist or Jewish. I'm Catholic but I'm not very good at it.
But that wasn't why we got married. We got drunk....
No, seriously, like Palabra said, the stability and the social recognition, plus the tax breaks....all good things. Plus, if you don't get married after so long of living together (especially if you want to have kids) there is the certain, "Well what's the matter with your relationship?" if you don't step forward enough to make the commitment.

I don't agree... I'm pretty sure you can tell beforehand that you'd suck at something without having tried it, judging from what you know about your likes, dislikes, general personality, talents and incompetences.

I only kind of agree with that statement and JCC's about

I'm an anti-theistic sex-positive polyamorous radical feminist, it would be like punching myself in the face constantly.

With ALL the people in the world and all the different ways every single person reacts to every other single person. It seems rather closed minded to assume that you would know before hand how you would react if you met a person before you can even meet them.
Just because your reaction to the first 100 or 200 wasn't "I wanna marry you" doesn't mean it would NEVER be. I'm sure before I met Bryan I had met hundreds of thousands of people and most didn't make me want to think about letting them clean out my toilet, much less marry them.
But, I changed as I grew older and ideas that repulsed me became different. Other people change to.
Maybe Kemy WON'T ever find someone he feels like he can be a good husband to, but on the other hand, he might well find a person that compliments him just perfectly where it wouldn't matter about HIS shortcomings at all.
But, until you've actually met everyone in the world at every point in your life and there life, it's impossible to tell.

I don't think it's about religion though. I think it's about a meeting of the minds. Working well together and complimenting the other's shortcomings in a way that makes you a team rather than two different people. And then there is the fun annoying and bickering....it's a blast.

I think there is hope for EVERYONE to find someone to spend their days with in that way! (even Willy....someday)

 

[Superstar]

Can't say I'm a proponent for the marriage institution.
No, it's not from lack of knowledge.

First time, just didn't work out. Details unimportant.
Second time, just didn't work out. Details unimportant.
No third time - ever. Been there, done that and all I got were the lousy tee-shirts.

 

[Karrde]

I fell in love recently, whenever I don't have work that preoccupies me completely, I think about her and every time I think that I won't see her and hold her when I get back home (we're in different countries), it's just gut wrenching.

So yeah, I can see myself spending my life with her, and marriage is just the way to ensure that she (and children whenever we have them) is secured in case I die or anything else happens to me or her for that matter. Planning the family is a necessity still, and getting hitched is the easiest way through to what I consider a happy life together.

As a side note, I was raised Muslim and am currently actively working on proving that there is no (physical or psychological) chance for a human being to understand the Universe to the full extent, at least at this stage of our development, and refuse the idea that there's a supreme being above us checking and guiding us like we were ants in a ****ing ant farm.

 

[Tranquillity]

I married quite young (too young, some might say) and I've been married for nearly 19 years. I'm a Christian but my husband is non-religious. I think out marriage has worked because we are two individuals in the marriage. We have maintained our interests and independence while being married. We share some interests (which these days is mainly our children, around whom life seems to revolve), but we've always maintained our individuality. During our marriage we've both completed university degrees and supported each other through carreer changes, we have our own friends which we don't force on each other, our own hobbies and interests. But we are great friends, love each other and respect each other. Marriage doesn't have to mean the loss of self, in fact they work better when they are based on respect and equality and a meeting of individuals rather than a forced merger of two into one. The Road Less Travelled by Scott M. Peck is worth a read, it has some interesting things to say on the subject of love and marriage.

 

[JCC]

Is there anyone here that wouldn't take their husband's name?

 

[Blondie Bear]

^ I did but it was more because I wanted to be part of HIS family instead of mine than because it was "traditional" or whatever.

 

[Kemy]

You mustn't say such things about yourself. How can you know you'd be a bad husband and worse father though you never have been one. And btw there IS walking someone on this planet that is destined for you, there is for everyone of us, just that you didn't find that person yet.

I can't stand children, they unsettle me and I don't think thats ever going to change.

Every relationship I've had, not exactly many, have failed terribly because of me before long.

I know.

 

[randiann]

Is there anyone here that wouldn't take their husband's name?

I'm really torn about that. I believe in marriage, but I think it should be taken alot more seriously (like TK said). I don't know if I ever will get married (getting pregnant couldn't even convince me to even though there were several people pressuring me to because of that). I think marriage is an agreement between two (or more even) people to always love one another and be there for each other. It's not something to be taken lightly.

Now about the whole name thing, I'm not sure I would ever EVER change my name. I happen to love my name. I've never had the desire to change it. This is something my boyfriend doesn't agree with (we've mused about marriage a few times). But I have no desire to change my name. To me a name personifies who you are and where you come from. I don't want to adopt another person's name because I feel like I would lose some of who I am. Short story about my aunt. She recently got married to a man she has been with for probably close to 10 years now. He got really upset with her because she refused to take his last name, and her response was (something close to this) "if you want us to have matching last names so badly, you change YOUR name".

 

[OldSwede]

Me too more or less what Palabra said above. 🙂
I actually married the first girl I ever "dated" and have not regretted it for 21 years. And we're not even very good at that "doing your own thing" thing, we spend almost all free time together (at the moment watching Buffy a lot..) and enjoy it. It's not for everyone, I'm sure, but it works for us.
If I would presume to give advice, I would recommend marrying (or partner up with) someone you feel you can be best friends with, not necessarily going for that great passionate love that might go away as fast as it came. But I wouldn't presume.

 

[Angelic Slayer]

Well personally, at this point in my life I'm FAR too young to get married anytime soon (just not nearly ready!), but I think that when the time is right I'll know it, and that's when it'll happen if it's right.

I'm not really much for religion, I was raised believing in spirituality (you'd think I could spell that by now) but at this point in my life I'm kind of having "Pic'n'Mix" sort of beliefs, as Joyce Summers put it. So for me marriage wouldn't have anything to do with religion. If I were to marry someone it would be because I wanted to be their wife, plain and simple.

The relationships that last with me are ones in that I'm best friends with the person first and I think in order to marry someone not only would that still have to stand strong, but it would almost have to already feel like we're there, you know? I would almost have to already be calling that person my husband/wife, be well settled in together, and then I'd go for it. And like I said, I would do it because I love and care for that special someone and want to be able to say "yeah, that's my wife". I would hope that I would already be that commited to them, before we said our vows. Just me 🙂

As for the last name thing, as you may have noticed for me there's also a very good chance that my future spouse will be female (and I'm lucky enough to live somewhere that it is fully legal). I really like my last name, I do, and I'm not going to say that there's NO chance that I would change it, but there's also a good chance that my spouse will just have to suck it up and take mine :silly: Hyphenating is also a possibility, but my last name right now is 9 letters long so that may get a little messy.

Or who knows, maybe we can mix the two! Like Doyle/Carter would be Doyter! 😀 It could get interesting...

And yes, if my current girlfriend and I do end up walking down the isle someday, she is fully aware of exactly what she's getting herself into 😉

 

[InsaneMystic]

With ALL the people in the world and all the different ways every single person reacts to every other single person. It seems rather closed minded to assume that you would know before hand how you would react if you met a person before you can even meet them.
Just because your reaction to the first 100 or 200 wasn't "I wanna marry you" doesn't mean it would NEVER be. I'm sure before I met Bryan I had met hundreds of thousands of people and most didn't make me want to think about letting them clean out my toilet, much less marry them.
But, I changed as I grew older and ideas that repulsed me became different. Other people change to.
Maybe Kemy WON'T ever find someone he feels like he can be a good husband to, but on the other hand, he might well find a person that compliments him just perfectly where it wouldn't matter about HIS shortcomings at all.
But, until you've actually met everyone in the world at every point in your life and there life, it's impossible to tell.

I don't think it's about religion though. I think it's about a meeting of the minds. Working well together and complimenting the other's shortcomings in a way that makes you a team rather than two different people. And then there is the fun annoying and bickering....it's a blast.

I think there is hope for EVERYONE to find someone to spend their days with in that way! (even Willy....someday)

Well, I know from bitter experience (I, sadly, am no stranger to romance - if I could change on thing about my life, it would probably be wishing I never ever had "fallen in love" and never would do so in future!) that any thoughts of commitment and exclusivity bring out the worst in me, regardless of who the other person is - so out of respect for all those whom I may meet in future, I hope for our mutual sake they never evoke such thoughts in me, as those who were in that position before never were too happy about it, leading to me having to deal with a guilty conscience when the romantic delusions end. All in all, the cost vs. reward ratio is horrific enough to make me stay clear.

I know myself well enough to realize that when commitment begins, my love fades away, while it freely blossoms as long as I keep my love life as casual as possible, always open for comers and goers.
Subjectivity Disclaimer: Not that I could say that's the way it works for everyone, of course - but since every bit of my experience over the years tells me that's how it always works for me, I can't really relate to someone feeling otherwise (whose life experiences would, obviously, have to differ radically from mine to hold such a conviction in the first place). While I don't have any doubt the sentence is true for my life, I don't make any claim it were "The Objective Truth".

So I put my hope in not being one of this EVERYONE you mentioned... I chose that I'd want to spend my days open for love, and for me that meant getting rid of the concept of commitment.

 

[Schillaci]

I don't base my dislike of marriage on any particular belief I may or my not have. I also don't walk around thinking I'm an agnostic or an atheist and that should affect all my decisions. When I introduce myself I don't say "My name is blabla, I'm a 27 year old divorced agnostic, and marriage is dumb".

I've always had a problem with labels(in many forms) and societys ways of seperating people into little groups and sections.

My view is very simple. Nothing actually changes whether you believe in god or not. The world is still the same. Therefore I don't waste any time thinking about something that unimportant.

Looking at marriage from many different angles all I see is a business scheme. From start to finish marriage is about money. The idea that you need to get married to show your love for another person, is not only absurd, it is also wholly naive.

 

[JCC]

I see misogyny in marriage. It's one big anachronistic deference of ownership. There's a reason why you traditionally had to ask a father. It's about male dominance.

 

[Buffanator]

I'm not religious (I used to be) and my husband never has been. I think it's safe to say we're both agnostic.

We've been married 15 years. I'm 8 years older than him. We met when he was 21 & I was 29. I was married once before for about 1.5 years.

I don't believe "there's one out there just for you!" because that's ridiculous. I mean... good luck in finding that *one*, eh?

I have been in love several times & I don't regret a single relationship - even the crappy ones - because I learned something from each of them. I don't necessarily believe that "marriage is forever" because dammit man, if you're miserable - GET OUT. I have a friend who is 51 years old & has been married 7 (yes, that's SEVEN) times. Some people might think that's flighty or pathetic or whatever - I say she's brave. She's not afraid to "try, try again".

As for me & my husband, we are pretty much completely different people. We have almost nothing in common, and hardly ever *do* anything together. Yet somehow, that works for us. 15 years & counting. And we have no children (except the 4-legged kind) & yes, I think that makes our marriage stronger.

Yet, I believe everyone has their deal-breakers. Different strokes & all that. For instance, most people would not put up with a cheating spouse. I look at it differently. I would not leave my husband for cheating on me. I believe a good marriage can get past such betrayal - if both parties agree to work it out. However, if he ever laid a hand on me in anger? - DEAL BREAKER - his ass would be gone, gone, gone. No ands, ifs or buts - no way I'd ever put up with abuse of any kind from any man (or woman.)

~that's just me.

 

[Relic]

I can't imagine my life without my wife. I can't entertain diverting my attention toward her for another...in that way...She is how I want to spend all of my time.

She has saw me through thick and thin; and I'd like to say I've helped her do likewise.

We got married to show to whatever supreme power or person or lack there of (You)...depending on your religion... that our commitment is a bi partisan unconditional, joint ownership of each other. We are the real deal.

Yhats all i can say.

 

[Lyri]

I'm agnostic, but I would consider getting married one day, if I found the right guy.

However, I wouldn't get married in a chruch, with the white dress and the minster and all our families thing. I'd probably go to Vegas with him, my two best friends, and his two best friends, and get married by Elvis or something. I'm not much for tradition, me.

As for the taking his name thing, I think it would depend on his name, lol. I'm not a big fan of my surname, but where I live, we're a pretty huge part of the community, so having my surname is like instant status, and everyone knows your family is. I don't know if I'd want to get rid of that.

 

[Aethra]

Obviously I'm not old enough to be considering marriage now, but though I'm not, and never have been, religious, I still like the idea, for the reasons that all the married members have stated above. But I do know that it's not something that should be taken lightly. I've seen marriages fall apart because they were too rushed, or because of kids too early, etc. And I've seen people live together for years and have kids, but not get married because they don't want to.

Now, some of you are aware already, but I am extremely stubborn. I'm not changing my name, which I happen to like. That would be far too much of a hassle. All the legal paperwork and people you'd have to notify would not only be a royal pain, but I feel like it would take away from the very happy feeling most people have when they get married. It's just not going to happen. I mean, the guy would have to have an epic last name in order for me to consider it.

 

[Jonut]

I don't really believe in marriage, and it has nothing to do with religion. I don't think you should need a piece of paper to tie you to someone, or to be commited to someone, or make you love them more than you already do. Also I don't buy into such a big institution that still, even after progress in many places, makes it illegal(in a LOT of places) for same sex couples to have the same rights as anyone else. I can't say that I will never get married, because who knows what happens in the future, but in my heart of hearts I just don't think it's for me.

 

[eponinethen]

I'm an anti-theistic sex-positive polyamorous radical feminist, it would be like punching myself in the face constantly.

I'm an atheist lesbian queerfeminist-relationship-anarchist, nice to meet you.

I don't believe in marriage. I understand how someone would like to get married, have that kind of commitment, "security", partnership... To me it doesn't work though, I work on valuing all my [very different] relationships in different ways. I have many very important relationships, three examples:
LDK: The person I'm living with, spending a lot of time with, cook with, have the most fun with.
JTS: The person I occationally sleep with, cuddle with, kiss.
Joamna: My sister (by choice), we don't spend as much time together as we used to, but she means the world to me and I'd do anything for her.

I could never compare these different relationships, and I'd never marry any of these people – and that is not because I am looking for something else, it's because I don't want to choose one person to be my partner, I don't want to have to value one relationship above the others.

Also, it's frakking insane that laws and regulations should have anything to do with sexual relationships or concepts such as "love" (which is a concept I don't particularly like or believe in).

Having said that, I want to say again: I understand people who do get married, but I don't like how marriage gives twosomeness (is that a word in English? lol) status. I don't want a partner, I hate to be depend on another person the way I do when I'm in a relationship, I really hate it.

EDIT:

I think there is hope for EVERYONE to find someone to spend their days with in that way!

Of course there is. The problem is that so many people assume that everyone wants to find someone to spend the rest of their life with.

 

[Legate Damar]

I'm an agnostic. My wife is raised-Catholic-turned-Buddhist-turned-Deist.

Neither one of us believed so strongly in the concept of marriage that we would have been traumatized by a divorce any more than we would have been by a breakup, so there didn't seem to be much downside to it. In the plus category, it makes interactions with others more straightforward (everyone understands marriage, but try to get grandma to understand what a "life partner" is) and we got a nice party out of the wedding. Plus all the stuff Palabra said.

My wife didn't change her name. Her name was a part of her identity, so she decided that she didn't want to change it and I was supportive of that. May get a little trickier when the offspring start showing up, but for now it's all aces.