Maybe board members with children can help me out...

[Hero]

There's some things people just don't understand until they experience it for themselves. I think that might be the root of my problem. So, as parents maybe you can give me some insight I might over look because I've never had kids, obviously.

My parents are Hell bent on keeping me from having a family. I don't understand why. They know that I feel like I'm an orphan, yet they still do things that hurt me.

Anyone who knows me will know that my Uncle passed away almost a year ago. Our visits were very spread out over the years since he lives in New York, but the times I did share with him were great. He was the first person who I ever felt reached out to me as a family member. (As Gary said to me in a PM) I remember that he was helping me with my history report while he was literally dying. When he passed away I was completely crushed, and I still am to an extent. In October my Aunt Doreen put together a DVD of him from when he was West Point, a military closet. My parents received the package in October, and purposely hid it from me. I accidently stumbled upon it in March. Why would they hide it from me? I was quite upset that they would hide something like that from me. They're all about remembering people while they were alive, yet they hide something like that from me?

My Grandpa died when I was 6-years-old. So, I don't remember a lot. From what people tell me, it was only me and him in the world. When I graduated preschool, I didn't even want to see my parents. My Mom tried to hug me and I pushed her away and went straight for my Grandpa. My Grandpa was a TOUGH man. He showed no emotion or affection what-so-ever, but when it came to me he did. He died of a heart condition when I was 6 and it's been almost 12 years since then. Since I was a kid I don't remember anything about. I don't remember any memories, I don't remember his voice, nothing. My Grandma sent me pictures of him from when he was in the army. My parents somehow got to them before I did and are now refusing to let me see them. Why?

There was a family reunion a few months ago that my parents didn't tell me about, although they knew about it because they went. Why didn't they tell me there was a family party?

Can some parents on here shed some light on this? Is there something I'm missing?

 

[killerdwarf]

I've read this thread a couple of times, and even though I am familiar with the circumstances, I had to dig deep to get to the reasons these things were done. I'll speak to generalities as opposed to this particular situation...Hero, you know where to get to me to talk about specifics!

I think parents, for the last 20 years or so, have been attempting to spare their children (and other people's kids) the pains and embarrassments that they suffered as children. As a parent, I understand this, since I definitely do not wish to see my children in pain, physical or otherwise. But I think ultimately that trying to spare our kids pain is misguided. I think all of us who are "mature" (ok, old...) can remember vividly the things we went thru as younger folk...getting dumped by a lover, having a family member we love die, losing a pet, being picked on, not making the team...etc. By denying our children these traumatic events, we are doing them a disservice by not preparing them for the real world. If you've never been cut from a team as a child, you MAY not take it well as an adult when that type of situation occurs (job firing, rejection of application, etc). By not allowing kids to build up "emotional calluses", we leave them vulnerable to devastatingly inappropriate reactions to situations later in life. Just to clarify, I don't think this is done maliciously; parents do not want to see their kids hurt, and are trying to avoid it on the kids' behalf. However, in doing so, they ultimately harm more than they help. Pain is inevitable, and we need to learn how to deal. By hiding stuff, as Hero outlined above, we take away things our young people need to have to work through their grief/anger/disappointment, etc. Dealing with these trauma is a process, and the process needs to be allowed to run full course. Think of a bruise. It will hurt more three days later than it does the day you get it, then it turns all purple and ultimately heals. We don't go dosing ourselves with morphine to kill the pain at first twinge. If we did, out tolerance to pain would be so low that a mere headache would be debilitating. It is kind of the same with kids...we can't go eliminating trauma without realizing that dealing with adversity is a life skill that is sorely needed as we get older. I know...good intentions...but...the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. I've seen far too many children of all ages that have never been told "NO" react badly when they are denied something. We've all seen it. The consequences of denying our young people the opportunities to deal with adversity ultimately will cause more trauma, for both the young person and the people that have to deal with them when they can't handle the situation!

So, to summarize and get back to Hero's original question: Parents are (mostly) well-intentioned in their desire to avoid pain for their kids. They ultimately harm the children more by denying them the tools they need to deal effectively with a world where pain is inevitable.