My first Fan Fic!

[Black Eye Guy]

Hea This is my first Stab at a Fan fic, kinda a trial and error thing, So could you let me know what you think, please. Good and Bad comments are welcome, and any pointer 2 🙂

Defeat

Prologue

Ext. Alleyway - Night

Angel, Spike, Illyria and Gunn are standing there as Angel moves forward and the others follow.

Angel:
Lets go to work.

They run forward Angel first, but a Green shimmer appears in front of them and springs up surrounding them. Angel Runs into it and gets knocked back. The Four characters look around and see that the barrier has completely surrounded them

Willow:
Looks like you need some help.

The four spin around to see Willow with her hand stretched out and a army of Girls behind her.

Opening Credits

--------------------------------------------------Part 1----------------------------------------------------------------------
Angel:
Willow? What are you doing here?

Willow:
Just because we don't trust you for running an evil law firm does not mean we would let you die.

Spike:
So you brought us an army of Slayers? Last time I saw an army of Slayers they threatened Angel.

Willow:
Like I said. Greater Evil then you here so Buffy sent me and these guys to bail you out.

Angel:
But how did you know?

Willow:
You sure this is a good time for catching up?

Suddenly there is a huge crash as the thousands of Demons crash into the barrier and start attacking it. The Dragon Hurls itself at the barrier making it ripple.

Gunn:
How long will that hold?

Willow:
There is a freaking dragon out there how long do you think!

Illyria:
You have power. The barrier will hold for another while.

Willow looks at Illyria now surprised, noticing her for the first time.

Willow:
Fred?

Angel:
Willow did you have a plan on how to fight?

Willow slowly looks away from Fred to Angel.

Willow:
"¦ I'm not sure. I suppose the best bet would be to open a door and let them come in.

Gunn:
Let them attack us gradually instead of all at once.

Angel:
Gunn we have the extra help now, You can sit back you are already to injured.

Illyria:
He is right. There is no point in you dieing when there is no need.

Spike:
What about the Dragon?

Angel:
I told you he is mine!

Willow:
I think we can argue over who gets to get killed by the Dragon when we come to it, lets concentrate on the smaller ones first.

Willow walks forward, arm sill outstretched toward the barrier. She walk over to Gunn looks at his wound and calls over two Girls.

Willow:
Guard him kill any demon that comes near him.

The Girls nod. And they walk off carrying Gunn. Willow then turns to the Slayers.

Willow:
Take your places, they will come in hard and fast.

The Army of Girls walk over to where Willows arm in pointing. Willow Turns to Angel, Spike and Illyria.

Spike:
That looks like fun, having an army of Girls to do your every bidding.

Willow:
Spike I have to look after these Girls, they are my responsibility.

She smiles coyly.

Willow:
Ok sometimes I send them out to get something for me, like my shopping or dry cleaning.

Illyria:
To have followers is the meaning of being a leader.

Angel:
Ok Willow open the door, now.
Willow turns to where the Slayers are waiting. Angel, Spike and Illyria make there way over going to the front of the crowed.

Willow:
patefacio

A hole forms in the barrier and starts to swell until it is the size of a door. Before it is even finished forming Demons start coming through. They run at the army who brace themselves before erupting into a huge Battle. Slayers are kicking demon ass Angel and Spike are beating them down and Illyria in ploughing through them as if they were butter. As Willow watches from behind, she moves back away from the battle. And over to Gunn and the two Slayers.

Willow:
Kim you should go help them out Ill stay here.

The Slayer runs towards the Fight without a second glance, pulling out a stake as she does. Willow kneels down beside Gunn.

Willow:
How is he doing?

Jodi:
He passed out a couple of minuets ago. We did not bring the proper equipment for this though he need to get to a hospital.

Willow:
Somehow I think the Monsters might object.

There is a huge crash above. Both look up to see the Dragon trashing at the barrier as it ripples.

Jodi:
Will that hold much longer?

Willow looks from the Dragon to Jodi and then back to the fight. She stands up. Holds out her arm toward the other end of the barrier

Willow:
patefacio

Another doorway forms in the opposite direction of the fight. Willow spins around to the fight and stars.
Cut to. Close up of the Slayer that was helping Gunn earlier. She is fighting a demon. Willow then communicates telepathically to her.

Willow:
Kim Finnish him off and get over here.

Kim whirls around and kicks the demon in the head, then snaps its neck. She then runs toward Willow.

Willow:
He is not gonna make it unless he gets help. I want you two to get him to a hospital.

Jodi:
Eh what about the Dragon? It is so gonna see us.
Willow:
No it wont when I say so go trough the door and don't look back.

The two Slayers look at each other then pick up Gunn and make there way towards the doorway.
Willow sits on the ground Indian style and hold her hand out in front of her. She starts to chant:

Willow:
White Light shining bright
Blind all those in sight.

Cut to. The fight Everyone is still fighting with dead demons on the ground no human causalities can be seen.

Cut to. Close up on Willows face. As we hear her but her lips do not move.

Willow: Everyone listen to me, when I say so close your eyes, trust me you have to close your eyes!

Cut to. The Fight as everyone has a look of confusion on their face, but they continue fighting.

Cut to. The Two Slayers waiting at the other opening, holding Gunn. Waiting

Cut to. Willow as her voice booms.

Willow:
NOW!

Cut to random faces closing their eyes. Then a White ball appears in Willows Hands. Then the whole place goes completely white.

Willow:
Open your eyes.

Everyone opens their eyes but they are not being attacked. All the demons are rubbing their eyes and screaming, stumbling around the place. Everyone looks on in amazement.

Spike:
Cool.

Spike pummels the demon in front of him. As everyone comes to their senses and start attacking the demons again.

Willow:
Girls get Gunn somewhere safe

The Two Slayers run through the door way carrying Gunn between them, they vanish around a corner.
Willow looks up at the Dragon, which has stopped attacking the barrier, its head is shaking with its eyes shut. Willow stands up and looks over at the fight they are now winning. She waves her hand to the other door.

Willow:
Termino

The door reseals itself.
The fight continues as the demons began to regain their sight. We see our first Slayer death as one of the demons slashes across one of the Slayers and she falls to the ground, Illyria spins around and crushes the demons head. She then looks down at the girl. Then continues on her path of destruction. Angel is fight a demon with four arms, he Vamps out and rips off one f its arms. He then uses it as a weapon to beat the demon. Spike is fighting two similar demons. The Slayers are fighting numerous demons. There are three Slayers fighting off demons at the door to stop more from coming in, one of then gets killed, and the demons break in, also killing the other two Slayers.

Cut to. Willow, Standing back looking at the losing battle. Suddenly there is a huge crash and the entire barrier ripples, Willow looks up to reveal the dragon is fighting its way into the barrier, its has a claw already through. Zoom down to willow who is staring up at the Dragon, her eyes turn white as the dragons claw slowly starts to get lifted out of the barrier. As it is almost out it gets shoved back in. And Willow goes flying back, as if physically pushed, towards the fight. One of the Slayers runs to help her. She is on the floor and looks pissed.

Willow:
Son of a "¦.

The Slayer helps her up, She does not even acknowledge her she is just looking straight at the Dragon. She holds hot her arms towards the Dragon. The ground begins to shake and the Barrier ripples all over, Suddenly the barrier flips up and surrounds the Dragon, locking it in a giant ball. Willow then spins around and throws out her arm as she does, every demon gets knocked to the ground by an invisible force. Everybody takes this chance to slay as many demons as possible, Stabbing, staking and crushing them. Willow speaks telepathically to Everyone

Willow:
RUN

Angel:
What we cant run!

Willow:
Trust me we have to run, I know what I'm doing.

Illyria:
I do not flee from battle.

Spike:
I "˜m with Blue.

Willow:
If you don't run then you die, trust me.
They all look at one another then start to run in the direction the Slayers took Gunn earlier. Willow stands there as they run past looking at the mass of Demons. I giant green ring surrounds them and a barrier surround them. She then turns and runs with the others.

Angel, Spike and Illyria lead the Army of Slayers through the deserted streets.

Spike:
Where the hell are we going?

Angel:
Where can we go?

Spike:
We can't go anywhere, we should have stayed and fought.

Willow walks forward through the crowed.

Willow :
Are you completely stupid or blind? We were losing that fight, we had not gotten through a quarter of the demons.

Spike:
Anyone got any mass murdering demon amulets on them?

---------------------------------------------End of part 1---------------------------------------------

 

[Lyri]

this was really cool. it's so interesting to read something in this format.
i'd really like to read some more, so keep writing!

 

[Allycat]

About the Screenplay format, a few nitpicks, first off, there's the who left/centre/right allignment that doesn't really work well with boards, so I'll forgive you on that count, but. scene-hears and characters names above dialogue, as well as character names the first time they appear on screen, should be capitalised. And there shouldn't be a colon after the character name in dialogue. The transition (Cut to🙂 should also be capitol. Anyhow, it's not such a big deal getting them wrong, cause unless you wanna really send it to a big studio, the format is not gonna matter that much, still you said you'd like constructive critisism, so for completeness' sake. I hope it'll help you some.

Now, storywise. We haven't seen too much happening. The whole Army of Slayers coming to bust Angel out is a bit cliché, but it's just one of the most effective Deus Ex Machina's for this situation, and you played it well, so far. Like I said, we'll need more story to know whether it's going to take and interesting and original turn. You've got the writing down pretty well, and I could envision the character saying their lines. You managed to put some humour into the lines too.

However, it doesn't really spark with life yet. Every once in a while, you find that little jewel amongst fanfic, where you say, aw, that would've been better than the real thing, that's when it really comes to life, and although your's was a very solid attempt, it didn't reach that level yet... then again, like you said, it was a first try, so it's no big deal... My first try at fanfic was a sequel to the Buffy finale, and if I read it back now it's so full of clichés and dorky lines, you should really be proud of urself 😀 and please, bring us part 2!!

 

[Edmund Blackadder]

The premise was good and all but i didnt believe the characters. Some of the lines felt too forced from certain characters for instance

Willow:
Just because we don't trust you for running an evil law firm does not mean we would let you die.

this line just didnt have the right ooomph for Willow....and similarly

Spike:
So you brought us an army of Slayers? Last time I saw an army of Slayers they threatened Angel.

as its a first attempt it obviously can be forgiven.....you dont need to be soo articulate with these guys...


Also on the Gunn thing at the beginning....i got the impression from Not Fade Away that his mortal wound was the thing that was going to kill him in about ten minutes...not staying out of the battle....

The i also see that in your posts you aim for the humour...my advice here is know when to stop writing....let the reader finish the sentence...for example

Willow:
Spike I have to look after these Girls, they are my responsibility.

She smiles coyly.

Willow:
Ok sometimes I send them out to get something for me, like my shopping or dry cleaning.

have a full stop after me and cross out "like my shopping or dry cleaning.
"...
The line still packs the same humour but its quicker and has a bit more of a zing.

ok one more thing before i get MORE annoying......If you are going to write a story/fanfic/script like keep to that style of writing.....dont write scenes of none dialogue, just movements/actions in the way you would speak...for example

A hole forms in the barrier and starts to swell until it is the size of a door. Before it is even finished forming Demons start coming through. They run at the army who brace themselves before erupting into a huge Battle. Slayers are kicking demon ass Angel and Spike are beating them down and Illyria in ploughing through them as if they were butter. As Willow watches from behind, she moves back away from the battle. And over to Gunn and the two Slayers.

i would refrain from lines like...Slayers Kicking Demon ass.....you need to be more descriptive. The Illyria line...ploughing etc......is good imagery but feels wrong........here is how i would write this passage.

"The hole began to show in the barrier between Angel and the Demon Hordes, growing large enough to let a a few Demons Pass. The Demons were not in the mood to wait for the doorway to expand and forced their way through. The Army of Slayers braced themselves for the onslaught of demons charging for them, each slayer in fighting stance.
Willow watched as Slayer after Slayer took on a separate Demon, some with more success then others but still holding on to the upper hand.
Angel and Spike too were holding there own, each having taken out a demon already. These two Champions proving why they have that title.
Illyria seemed to dance her way through the fight, a beautiful, graceful fighter, she moved at speed from one Demon to the next, like a hot knife through butter."


I hope that you dont take offence to my comments and that IF they are of help you take it...thanx.

Just as another point...i have only ever written one fanfic....you can have a look at my work and be just as critical...its Called Old Friends and its in this part of the Forum..Thanc DDLM

 

[VisionGuy]

I really liked it.It's very good for a first try.

 

[Black Eye Guy]

I hope that you dont take offence to my comments and that IF they are of help you take it...thanx.

Not at all! This is the type of stuff I wanted 2 hear, u 2 AC. Yea thanks this does help cuz I wrote this 2 see what I was doing wrong And How I could improve And I got that so Thanks 🙂

 

[Black Eye Guy]

Ok I have a question would it be a really bad idea to switch format now? like write the second bit as a descriptive piece not as a script?

 

[VisionGuy]

I don't think it would be a bad idea.You should write it however you want.But...WRITE IT BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!! 😀

 

[Edmund Blackadder]

I think that if you want to change format its a good idea....With descriptive story you show the way the actors emotively respond to things...with Script..not so much as the person acting the part is the one who gives a performance.

 

[Allycat]

You can express the same thing with every format; so, you should pick the one you're most comfortable with.

 

[Black Eye Guy]

ok so here is the second part, and I have changed format so again this is my first time working in this format so any comments are welcome 🙂

The Demons looked on as the Witch and the rest of her help persuaded the Former C.E.O. of Wolfram and Heart to Run from them, Moments ago she had trapped them in a giant bubble but it would fall under constant pressure in a matter of minuets. They were using what ever they had Swords, Axe's and Claws to hack away at the green glowing force that kept them within. They have only had a couple of minuets head start, if they get away then a true hell would break out on earth the Senior Partners would destroy each one of them. They were, of coarse, happy to oblige in killing Angel when they had herd the call for his death, every demon in L.A. had heard the call. The Senior Partners had abandoned their plans and they wanted him and his team dead. And now thanks to an unexpected helper they were failing, and Angel was going to escape, To where? The demons were thinking as if in unison now like they were connected to a universal mind. Where on the earth could they hide? Where in any dimension could they hide, Wolfram and Heart had men in every dimension. They were as good as death.

Angel ran around the corner of the back ally, he was following Willow, something he was not used to, He did not like it, not being the one in control, following orders. But he saw no other way he had no plan other then to fight. But Willow sure looked like she knew what she was doing, and he would not question the powerful Witch he owed her a favour or two. She was incredibly bright she had helped Buffy out on many occasions both with her brains and her magick.
They had been running now for about five minuets, and it had not all sunk in yet, he had destroyed the L.A. branch of Wolfram and Heart, he had raged war on the demon community, Wesley had died and Buffy had sent a major player on her team with around 50 Slayers to help him out. "Willow" he Yelled so she would hear him over the deafening rain, "were are we going?".

Willow turned around and everyone stopped running too, all looking at her. She had only just become used to being in charge of so many lives, after she had helped to close the Hellmouth in Sunnydale, They had travelled to England to meet up with the remaining Watchers to see were they could go from here. This was new territory for them as well, they now had thousands of Slayers active all over the World with none to train them, They were more then willing to hand over what was left of the Watchers council to Giles. Although they had lost all of their books they still had other resources left, Money was one, Giles now had access to The Councils bank account, he would not tell them the exact amount, all he said was that there would be more then enough to get started. It was through Giles that Willow had found out what was about to happen in L.A., he contacted her and told her she had to get to L.A. He had already arranged everything, he could only get Slayers from the surrounding areas to help but Willow was with 30 Slayers that had just been told who they were, They were doing a crash course in Slayer Mythology, and now they were going to be put into battle. Although she had no problem putting them there as the new Slayers seemed to be taking to their "˜Slayerness"˜ very fast, they could handle themselves in battle. And all she had to do was stall the demons, she was to get as many people out of danger as possible and to lead the demons to a certain place where they would get more help.
" It's a little further" she replied, then she felt it, she could feel it shatter out of existence as they broke free. "The barrier has fallen we have to hurry!". She turned and started to run again not waiting to hear a reply. They were almost there, once they got there they would be safe, safer. Hopefully.

 

[Edmund Blackadder]

Much better. I liked it. Still one or two nit picks BUT so small not worth mentioning except i have so forget i mentioned it...and forget i mentioned the not worth mentioning...and forget that...and that...doh.

But seriously, a story is more then just words, its knowing how to provoke an emotive reaction from people using stuff you didnt say...letting the readers imgaination fill in the blanks....ive read a some on here that havent impressed me...but yours as a starter has.....i look forward to reading more.

 

[Allycat]

Very nice! Your writing style is very compelling and it was a good read. The story still hasn't brought in any elements that can be considered new or fresh, but I suspect there are still quite a few more chapters in this story so we'll just have to wait and see what happens... Though I'm sure it will be many great things! 😀

However, I do have one point of criticism: spelling. It's not horrible or anything but there are quite a few errors (and typos,) some of which could have easily been taken care of by a spell check. My suggestion is you try to do this the next time, although it won't recognise it should be Wolfram & Hart instead of "¦ & Heart and probably won't correct the use of then and than, it will help out with some other things. It's of course doesn't improve the story as such but it will give it a bit more allure. 😀

 

[Lyri]

BEG, this was very good. you seem to have a lot more talent writing in this style than the script form you started in, which was good, but i perfer this chapter a lot more.
the only thing i will point out is your grammer. make sure you read over your work before you post, but that's really only a small thing in an otherwise good first attempt.
waiting for the next chapter!!

 

[Black Eye Guy]

Part three:

"There're almost there." She said to the Head of the Watchers Council, "There is four of them with her."
"Only four?" he replied. She could hear it in his voice that he was not to happy with that, his overall plan had been to get all six out alive, the fact that she could not narrow it down to who was alive did not help, but that was not how her gift worked. Ever since she could remember she had had this gift, she could sense things before they would happen or she would know something that she knew was true, but when she was 15 she had a Vision for the first time, nothing she had ever experienced was this vivid. She saw images, flashes, of a man, a demon he had a wrinkled face, he looked old, he was terrifying, she saw him raze from a pool of blood, she saw him order his Vampire minions to kill countless people, she saw him take instructions from a child and she saw him kill a young blond girl not much older then her, he drained her blood and left her to drown in a pool, she saw him walk on the earth and all hell break loose as demon after demon came out of the ground and tore the world apart. She had no idea what had happened to her, what she had just experienced. She decided that she would just ignore it and never mention it to anyone. Not long after her vision her parents told her they had found a house they liked, they had been planning to move for about a month now but they had not liked any of the places they had seen so far, but they had fallen in love with this house in a town called Sunnydale"¦

"Bloody' ell" Spike thought, as he ran on behind Angel, who was following Willow. Where are we goin? We can't go anywhere we have to fight! even if that meant dieing at the claws of a massive army of demons, which he was more then willing to do, again. But that was when he saw it, Willow had just turned around to check on everyone and she was smiling. " Red what you smiling at?" he called to her. But she did not answer she just turned her head back around and continued running, even though he was sure she had herd him.

Willow was starting to feel tired now, she was not a Vampire, Slayer or"¦ What ever Fred was, she was a human and she was getting warn out, which she knew would not help with what she was going to have to do next. It required allot of strength and hers was fading both physically and mentally, she was running towards the park while trying to keep the demons within a barrier, but she did not have the strength to do all three so she let go of trying to hold the barrier with the demons inside she was only concentrating on keeping the dragon locked up and on running, she knew the demons would be a problem but it was one they could handle. It was coming into view now, she could see the entrance to the park.

Kennedy was anxious now she was walking around and looking out threw the entrance to the park. She had come to L.A. with Willow after she had gotten the call from Giles. Willow and her were collecting new Slayers and teaching them about the history of the Slayer before dropping them into one of the Councils training facilities, of which there were many. They were set up all around the world to deal with the crisis of too many slayers and not enough Watchers. They were the easiest answer to the problem, It was not the best solution, but it was the only one that aloud the most amount of Girls to get the help to understand the power they suddenly had. She felt kinda bad for this group they were new to this and they were being thrown in the deep end. She was ready for this, even if she only got to clear people out of the park and make sure none was around, soon she would be fighting demons, something that just came naturally to her, she felt powerful, confident and she knew she was going to win.
Suddenly they came into view, she could recognize Willow miles off, she was leading the group followed closely by a tall man, who she guessed was Angel, with Spike, another Woman who was dressed wired and the Slayers not far behind. Kennedy knew it was going to happen soon, she would be fighting to save the world alongside these people while Willow did what she had to do. She was ready. She was born to do this. To Slay.

 

[Black Eye Guy]

These girls they fight in order to help the rest of the world, and the rest of the world is to concerned with their own problems to see something that is right in front of their faces, Illyria thought as she glided along taking grate strides in a her movement, she was not the type to flee from something she would normally crush, once upon a time, but now she is limited in her power she is a mortal of sorts. She may be stronger than a normal person and she moves with the grace and ease of a God, Yet the word mortal would be a good word to describe her, she is in a mortal form and she will eventually die like the rest of the mortals on this planet. Death is not something she had feared before, she had not feared anything before. And now she is a stranger lost in a world of billions, she is alone, like the rest of them and that is the one thing she did fear, if she could not rule this world then who was she?

 

[Lyri]

i really like this short chapter, you've described illyria well.
i liked the ending of the previous chapter, where kennedy says she was born to do this. to slay. i'm not a kennedy fan at all, but i did like this.
so keep posting!

 

[Edmund Blackadder]

Im really intrigued and impressed by your story....cant wait for more

 

[Allycat]

Solid next chapter... I'm curious to find out more about the Vision-girl. (You don't mean Buffy with it, do you?) Again I have a little nitpick. This time I must implore you to pay attention to the use of quotation marks; they should be used with thoughts too. If you don't use them it's impossible (or at least hard) to distinguish between the narrator's comments and the character's thoughts. So, please pay attention to them and please post another chapter soon 😀

 

[Edmund Blackadder]

Actually quotation marks for thought aren't necessary.
The author can use a variety of methods to illustrate a thought.
Be it in regular comment

for instance

The Slayer thought that things seemed strange, that someone should have been waiting.

or put the thought in italics

This is strange The Slayer thought. someone should be waiting here

infact its very rare for writers to use quotation marks as they associate quotations with actual speaking.