Ok, I'm confused...

E

elmo

Anyone here speak Whale?!
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I don't even know why I'm telling you about this... cos it's not like there's anything to advise me on...

Please don't think I'm a freak...

*takes deep breathe*

In October I met this girl, Elaine... a friend of a friend... who is really nice and is one of my best pals now. My friends and I all went on a night out cos Elaine was visiting. But on this night out, Gemma, (the person Elaine was visiting) pulled this guy... and ignored Elaine all night, leaving her to mingle with people she didn't even know. So I looked after her, and when Elaine mentioned it to Gemma, she just handed her the flat keys and said she could go home if she wanted.

So Elaine and I took the keys and went home... We made friends after that cos I was so mad at Gemma for doing what she did and I felt so sorry for Elaine.

Anyway, a couple of weeks later, (Elaine and I had been keeping in touch through email and text message) Gemma was being really funny with me... and had stopped talking to me for some reason. So I asked her what was wrong and we went for a meal so she could explain herself. She told me that she was jealous that I'd gotten close to Elaine because they had slept together during the summer. I was slightly taken back by the whole thing... (I wasn't disgusted or anything but I hadn't a clue that Elaine was even a lesbian.) so I asked if they had been seeing each other... and she said no. I asked why she would be jealous of me... and she said it was because Elaine fancied me. Even though she knows that nothing would happen because I'm in love with Mike. She asked me what I thought about the whole thing and I told her, honestly, that I'd dreamt about a woman before. I'm a very open minded person... but i would never dream of cheating on anyone and I wasn't attracted to Elaine.

Anyway, I spoke to Elaine about it since and Gemma had been giving her grief about keeping in touch with me... although she has no obligation to her at all. And Gemma has had a few Boyfriends since they were together too.

Right... so now you know the story... I'll tell you the catch... I think I do fancy Elaine... I'm still with Mike and nothing could happen between us 2 but there you go. I'm going to Shetland to visit her at some point in the next few months. Mike knows about her and that she fancied me... so there are no secrets between us except this. But to me it's a big secret to keep from the love of your life... and he would never be able to trust me if i told him. I told him about the dream I'd had.... so he knows I've thought about women before.

I know that I'm not gonna cheat on him... but I still have feelings for her... do I tell her?
 
I think it would probably be best not to tell her as it would only complicate things more..and would make her more frustrated knowing that you fancy her but you couldnt do anything about it because of Mike..thats my opinion anyway, hope it helps!!
 
I thought so... It's just so annoying... I will never do anything to hurt any of them... and I love Mike too much to live without him. So there's nothing I can do... but it's really frustrating you know?
 
if mike is a good bf he'll understand that you are goin through some changes in your life and you want to take time out to sort things out tell elaine how you feel and see what she says but dont completely break it off with mike because you should get to know elaine more and see exactly how she feels about everything
 
In my opinion, maybe you should do what rene says... Just take a break from Mike and sort out your feelings... You don't have to rush your descision.

EDIT: Maybe not exactly like rene said... get to know Elaine better, but don't spend so much time with her that Mike thinks you're neglecting him.
 
relationships are all about trust. it seems like the first thing you need to do is not ask us, but sit down and work out who you want to be with. when you know who you want to be with make a clean break with the other one. no one likes to be kept dangling and no one likes to be second choice.

i think John Crichton said it best in his dog with two bones speech
 
Firstly, just how exactly do you fanci Elaine? Is it physically? Is emotionally? Is it a touch of both?

I think that you should evaluate your feelings, then have a chat with Mike about all of this. I think that (seeing as she's a woman, and no threat to his manliness, physically is not as serious as emotionally/ metally).

Because your relationship with Mike is so important to you, ask him how he feels about everything and see if that helps you to evaluate the situation.

Good luck.
~Kindred
 
Thankyou guys, you right xand, I need to figure it out for myself before i do anything.

I'm about to move in with Mike you see, and it's not so easy to give it a break for a while. I have nowhere else to stay. I know that I don't want to rid myself of my relationship with him, cause I love him.

The nature of my feelings for Elaine are both physical and emotional. She's my friend so I can't not be emotionally attached. But I don't see myself being with her for life. I think that I'm just curious.. but to satisfy that curiousity would probably end in someone being hurt... and possibly my loneliness.

I've never been this confused about something in my life. I've always been sure that I was completely hetero... but never shut out the possibility of being gay. But as soon as this happened I began to think about how I felt about the whole thing... and became very curious...

Thanks guys... again... 🙂
 
That sounds like a difficult situation, but If it was me I don't think I could choose to be with either person indefinitely. I'd just have to take time to figure myself out, while not really with either of them.

I hope you can figure it out. 🙂
 
That's a difficult situation..You must decide whether to risk your current relationship for sth new..
 
Honestly it sounds like you care about Elaine but I think most of what you're feeling is the mystery of something that you have never explored...I think you already know how you feel about both of them. I think the only REAL question is what you're going to DO about it.

I'm mostly with Kindred and OneEyedXander. Make a clean break with the other one. As long as you have feelings for both and they are both in your life you won't be able to be completely fair to anyone in the situation. Whatever decision you make you must be prepared to COMMIT to it 100%. And BE HONEST...not being honest is the surest way to kill all relationships involved.

GOOD LUCK! 😉
 
You're right too Rayne. But I think I've decided that, rather than create more complication in my life... I'm just going to let this go. It's gonna be hard, but I have to put all curiousity behind me because, what happens if I like what I find? I've always felt like I wanted to marry Mike. If I explore, I'm afraid that I won't be able to come back to him and truely be happy. I love him... and I don't want to hurt him. To bring this all out in the open is sure to hurt him... I know it! Elaine has no idea about it so I'm in no danger of hurting her by making this decision. The only person who has to live with it is me...!

I hope I can...
 
Hm. I dunno. I think...eh...hm... I'm confused too lol. Well, you have feelings for the other girl, but you still love Mike? And you know you're not gunna go there and cheat on him, right? So, maybe you could tell her when you see her in a few months that nothing could ever happen cuz your with Mike and that you're really flattered that she'd like you. And don't you guys live apart, you and the other girl? You said you have to go see her in Shetland. Is that another country or something? But if you like the other girl than... ah... just go with whatever everyone else says, I'm all over the place today.
 
Yeah, she lives in Shetland (an Island off the coast of Scotland) and I live in Aberdeen. So if it was to go ahead, then it would be a long distance thing as well... I can't handle them very well. Plus, my family would not be very happy if i was to be dating a female... I just don't think they would be very proud. Not that I'm following what they would say, but I think that that would confuse things just a little bit more. It seems it's for the best that I don't do anything about it. I could just tell her what I'm going through when I see her. If anyone could understand, it would be her... I'm sure.
 
I think in the end you have to do whatever makes you happy.

I know that personally, i'm always torne between the philosophy of "don't sacrifice what you want most for what you want now" and "life is short".... Should I do what I want and say that I've experienced what I've always wanted to, or should I play it safe and maybe be content, but regretful?

What I'm saying is, I understand and sympathize with your hesitation to make a descision.... Good luck in the end though.

~Kindred
 
I wouldn't know what to do either so I don't think I can advise you on the topic. Just trust what your feelings tell you & don't feel as if there was a urge. I mean, sometimes it takes a long time before you can finally be sure in taking a decision. It's not a comfy situation but time might help to understand better how you feel.
Take care elmo 😉
 
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