Anita, yours are sooo funny!! I love how buffy can be like, in life-to-death situations and then they just can make you crack up so hard!!
I like these:
F: Giles! Don't move, ok Giles you have to listen to me very carefully, I'm not faith
G: Really? Because the resemblance is striking.
F: I know Giles, you just have to, stop inching, you were inching
G: I know what your going to say and, and "“
F: I am Buffy.
G: Or maybe I didn't know what you were going to say but that's crazy
F: Faith switched, I mean she had some device, She switched our bodies, Giles I swear it's me
G: Um, if you are Buffy then you'll let me tie you up without killing me, until we find out if your telling the truth.
F: Giles, Faith has taken my body and for all I know she's taken it to Mexico by now, I don't have time for bondage fun.
F: Ask me a question ask me anything
G: whose president?
F: Were checking for Buffy, not concision.
G: Oh yes alright
F: Oh this is.. Giles you turned into a demon and I knew it was you, I mean can't you just look into my eyes intuitive?
G: How did I turn into a demon?
F: Oh "˜cause Ethan rain, and you have a girlfriend named Olivia, and you haven't a job since you blew up the school, which is valid, lifestyle wise, I mean, It's not like you're a slacker type, but"¦oh oh when I had psychic power I heard my mom think that you were like a sever door during sets, which do you want me to continue?
G: Actually I beg you to stop
--who are you?
Intervention
I'ts spike and he's wearing a coat. Oh spike devour me!
Buffy-bot: Anya, how is your money
Anya: Fine, thank-you for asking
Buffy-bot: Isn't a beautiful night for killing evil things, I don't understand that question but thank-you for asking, you're my friend and a carpenter
Willow: Grief can be powerful and-
Tara: What are you kidding? She's nuts!!
Buffy: The who? Whating how? With huh?
Buffy-bot: Spikes mine, who's straddling spike
Buffy: Oh my god!
Xander: And so say all of us
Buffy-bot: Say look at you, you look just like me, were very pretty
Willow: two of them
Xander: Hey, I know this! They're both Buffy
Buffy: n o she's a robot, she acts just like that girlfriend-bot that warren guy got, you guys couldn't tell me apart from a robot?
Buffy-bot: Oh I don't think I'm a robot
Anya: She's very well done
Xander: Spike must have had her built so he could program her
Buffy: Oh god
Willow: Yikes! The things-
Giles? Spike didn't even program my name write
Spike: Oh it's you
Xander: I saw you in the cemetery with Buffy
Spike: Yea? I can't see that it is any businesses of yours
Xander: It is my business because Buffy is my friend, and she's gone through some stuff lately that well it's affected her and your taking advantage of her
Spike: She's upset about her mom and if she turns to me for comfort well I'm no going to deny it to her, I'm not a monster
Xander: Yes you are a monster, vampires are monsters, and they make monster movies about them
Spike: Well yea, you got me there.
Xander: (pushes him against the wall) Spike, Buffy has lots of friends and we love her very much and we'll do what ever it takes to protect her, now if that means killing you then well that'ss just a bonus
B: Giles, I love you, love, love, love, it feels strange giles
G: well I should wonder
B: I don't think I'll be that hungry
G: It's for me
---intervention--
Dawn: Buffy no
Buffy: Dawnie I have 2
Dawn: No!
Buffy: Listen to me, please there's not enogh time, listen"¦..Dawn listen to me listen I love yu, I will always love you, this the the worth that I have tod do. Tell giles I fuigred it out and that I'm ok and give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You heve to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn the hardest thing in this world is to live in it, be brave live, for me
--the gift--
A; Ahh
S: Oh, It's you (lumpies go)
A: Spike, What are you doing? You made me yell really high
S: Hey yea, I did I scared you. Give me money.
A: I'm not paying you from scaring me.
S: Your not paying me, I'm robbing you.
A: You can't hurt me because you got that chip in your brain, also I like my money the way it is. And it's mine (spike pretends to attack)
A: Oh now, come one, your not even bumpy anymore!
S: Oh (feels his head) I was just a minute ago, hang on Get me mad again
A: Does this really work? Scaring people into giving you there money
S: Yea it Works keeps me in blood and bears, plus you know funny watching the little humans quail, I'm beginning to understand why your so friendless
S: look who's talking I don't see droppy boy on your arm, did he have better things to do?
W: Hey Buffy, This might be a good time to mention that some-one so not me zspilt something purpley on your new peasant top that I would never borrow without asking. Still love me?
B: Uh-huh"¦huh? What about my pesent top?
W: Nothing.
Xander: 1962,
Julie: Yes
Xander: just you know, Impressing you with my knowledge of local history, or my knowledge of reading.
Julie: And you didn't even have to sound anything out.
Xander: Now who's with me?
Spike: I am, I know I'm not the first choice for heroics, and buffy's tried to kill me more than once and I don't fancy a single one of you at all "“ but "“ actually all of that sounds convincing
Riley: I can't believe it really happened
Buffy: It's so creepy, he was really singing?
Xander: I'll say more like cruning (to anya) if we grow old together, remind me to skip the mid-year crises.
Willow: Come on you have to admit, it was kinda sexy.
Xander: Please stop saying that.
--where the wild things are--
Anya: I'm also an American
Giles: Yes I spouse you are you were born her, your mortal self
Anya: Well that's right, foreigner oh you know what else is un-American? French people
Willow: you don't say
Anya: From what I hear the don't tip, and French old people that is really the bottom of the barrel, you know
Xander: Ayn, how about you start being a bit less pregrative and a bit more inclusive, not us, just you
Anya: Fine! I'm going to make those fogies by things
Xander: Hey what's up? Its dawn Giovanni and the buffster
Dawn: hi
Sarah: Hey everybody
Giles: I trust everything went well at the university?
Buffy: Yep! I'm all dropped out
Xander: Good on you, welcome to the real world a lot of fun to be have on the outside (looks at willow) you'll see
Buffy: well it's just for now; well I'm thinking that I'm probably going to go back next semester
Xander: and that's cool too, what ever you chose you've got my support just think me as"¦.as your "¦.. You know I'm searching for supportive things and I'm coming up all bras, so something slightly manly, think of me as that, seriously, what ever you need.
Buffy: Thank-you.
It dosen't kill you! What it does is make you feel like your in a noisy little dark room, naked and ashamed and there are things in the dark that need to jurt you because you are bad. Little pinting things that crawl in your ears and the inside of your scull and you know that if the noise and the crawling would stop, that you could remember how to get out. But you never ever will
Who is the key? Fine lets get crazy!
By the force of heart and mindful power,
I wait in time at the watching hour,
When I decree, my __ will still be free
Spike: Nothing to be worried about, no-ones going to hurt you.
Dawn: The same no-one who did that to you?
S: what these? this , it's just a few bruises, nothing to ride home about. Hey chin-up, don't get scared. Maybe glory dosen't want to kill you maybe it something"¦
D: Worse? Do you wanna know what I'm scared of spike? Me! Right now glory thinks tera's the key, but I'm the key, spike, I am and anything that happens to teroa is because of me, your bruises, your limb, that's all me too. I'm like a lightning rod for pain and hurt and everyone around me suffers and dies I must be something so horrible to cause so much pain and evil
Spike: Rot
D; what do you know?
S: I'm a vampire I know some about evil, your not evil
D: Maybe I'm not evil, But I don't think I can be good.
S: Well I'm not good, and I'm ok
B What is this? I thought I told you to do your homework
d I was
b Plz don't lie 2 me
d I'm not
w we were acting out a geamatry play, because I re4ad his really neat article that said kids learn math better, if you stimulate there visual pattern. You know using the right-side of the brain, instead of just the left.
B: Uh, huh
W: SO we made a triangle with our bdies, and that's when I called Xander obtuse and then he got really grumpy then dawn said we were a cute triangle.
B: Right, well you know what I think is that maybe dawn should do her homework at home.
D: But it was working, I was really learning.
B: Please get your stuff.
D: Fine, don't listen to me
W: Oh please don't be grouchy with her.
D: It is really important that dawn finishes her school work now.
W: I know but we were having clean educational fun. And you know my I'm a big fan of school work, I'm like "go school", each birthday
Anya: I'm also an American
Giles: Yes I spouse you are you were born her, your mortal self
Anya: Well that's right, foreigner oh you know what else is un-American? French people
Willow: you don't say
Anya: From what I hear the don't tip, and French old people that is really the bottom of the barrel, you know
Xander: Ayn, how about you start being a bit less pregrative and a bit more inclusive, not us, just you
Anya: Fine! I'm going to make those fogies by things
Xander: Hey what's up? Its dawn Giovanni and the buffster
Dawn: hi
Sarah: Hey everybody
Giles: I trust everything went well at the university?
Buffy: Yep! I'm all dropped out
Xander: Good on you, welcome to the real world a lot of fun to be have on the outside (looks at willow) you'll see
Buffy: well it's just for now; well I'm thinking that I'm probably going to go back next semester
Xander: and that's cool too, what ever you chose you've got my support just think me as"¦.as your "¦.. You know I'm searching for supportive things and I'm coming up all bras, so something slightly manly, think of me as that, seriously, what ever you need.
Buffy: Thank-you.
B: Ok so I think the next step is to make a chart, a schedule, I'll right down all the thngs your sposed to do and when you have to do them and then I'll leave a box next to it which you can mark with an "X" when you've accomplished the task. What? You want gold stars, ok you can have gold stars.
D: I don't want gold stars, I don't want any of this
B: I'm just trying to give you a normal life.
D: uh, good luck. (Pause) What? What am I doing wrong now?
B: this is for real, dawn
D: No, it's not. I'm not real. So why would my exciting graph of chores be real? Who cares if a key gets an education anyway?
B: It's a chart not a graph, and you are real.
D: Yea? Those monks put keys through my head?
B: Damn it dawn! This is serious.
D: Why? Why should I care about any of this?
B: Because they'll take you away!
D: take me away? What do you mean?
B: They'll take you away from me. That's what your principle told e when you weren't in the room. If I can't make you go to school than I won't be found fit to be your legal guardian.
D: Where would I go?
B: I dunno dad maybe, or foster care. I didn't really want to ask.
D: You could have told me that
B: I just did
G: Are you all right?
W: Yea.
G: Oh yes cause your good mood is both obvious and contagious
W: I had a fight with Tara, it was awful.
G: Well I'm sorry
W: me 2
G: You too don't quarrel much do you?
W: Never, until today
G: Well it's over.
W: Over how can it be over? I just found her
G: The quarrel is over, and you will feel better when you make your apologies and you can know that you can fight without the world ending. I know it all seems bleak now but as they say this too.
--tough love--
GILES: We'll all get our memory back, and it'll all be right as rain.
SPIKE: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy-boy accent. (everyone looking at him) You Englishmen are always so... (pauses) Bloody hell! (ticks off on his fingers) Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks, oh God! I'm English!
GILES: (puts glasses on) Welcome to the nancy tribe.
SPIKE: You don't suppose you and I ... we're not related, are we?
ANYA: There is a ruggedly handsome resemblance.
(Giles smiles at Anya with pleasure.)
GILES: (to Spike) And you do inspire a, um ... (Spike walking out from behind the counter) particular feeling of ... familiarity and ... disappointment.
(Spike walks up to Giles, scowling. They look at each other.)
GILES: Older brother?
SPIKE: (scoffs) Father. (Giles looks outraged) Oh, god, how I must hate you.
GILES: What did I do?
SPIKE: There's always something, and what's with the trollop? (indicates Anya)
ANYA: Hey!
GILES: Her?
SPIKE: I saw you! Sleeping together.
GILES: Resting together.
ANYA: Look! (holds up her hand with the engagement ring) It's okay. We're engaged.
GILES: (smiling) Oh.
ANYA: It's a lovely ring.
SPIKE: Oh, great, a tarty stepmom who's half old Daddy's age.
ANYA: Tarty?
GILES: Old? You little twerp, I'm young enough to still get carded.
GILES: I'm, uh, called Rupert Giles.
ANYA: (smiling fondly) Rupert.
SPIKE: Rupert! (giggles)
GILES: You're not too old to put across my knee, you know ... sonny. (Spike still laughing) Anyway, what did I call you?
SPIKE: Um...
(Spike examines his clothing, finds a label on the inside of his suit jacket.)
SPIKE: 'Made with care for Randy.' (looks at Giles angrily) Randy Giles? Why not just call me 'Horny Giles,' or 'Desperate for a Shag Giles'? I knew there was a reason I hated you!
GILES: Randy's ... a family name, undoubtedly.
Xander: How you doing? I know the feeling
Willow: I'm afraid I'm going to start to cry again.
Anya: Xander cried at the apartment, it was weird
Willow: Yea, it's a thing we do
Anya: What's going to happen?
Willow: Well I guess were going to meet them at the morgue
Tara: Giles said that he was going to go with Joyce and Buffy was going to the school to tell dawn.
Xander: God.
Tara: Do you know how to, how to get there?
Xander: Yea, It's at the hospital it's a wing; we do morgue time in the Scooby-gang.
Willow: I have to change
Xander: What else did Giles say?
Tara: Not a lot.
Xander: are they sure this was natural? I mean glory.
Tara: Giles was pretty sure that it wasn't her.
Xander: I mean, she says she was going to come after buffy's family.
Tara: I don't thin-
Xander: I mean we should be going after her, I mean she could have done it and covered her tracks
Willow: Why would she? She would want us to know.
Xander: I'll tell you what it is, It's the freaking doctors, I mean they just let her out you know, clean bill of health, dig a hole in your skull, here's a ban-aid, next!
Willow: Xander.
Xander: they should have checked her over, they should have had her in, we don't have enough monsters in this town the doctors gotta help them out.
Willow: Xander, I don't think it was, anyone, it just happened.
Xander: Things don't happen; I mean they don't just happen, somebody's I mean, somebody's got.
Willow: Ok lets go, come-on you and me, come-on.
Xander: You know I can't take you
Willow: Damn straight.
Anya: are we going to see the body?
Willow: What?
Anya: Are we going to be in the room with the dead body?
Willow: I dunno, no
Tara: But I guess we should take over patrolling and that
Xander: yea
Willow: oh yea
Tara: for however long
Willow: I can't wear this, I really should have the other, Joyce liked it so...
Tara: do you think you could have left it in the laundry room?
Willow: Maybe
Tara: I'll go check; uh I'll just be one minute
Xander: Were cool
Anya: Are they going to cut the body open?
Willow: Oh my god, will you just stop talking, just shut your mouth, please
Anya: What am I doing?
Willow: How can you act like that?
Anya: Am I supposed to be changing my clothes a lot? Is that the helpful thing to do?
Xander: Guys.
Willow: The way you behave.
Anya: nobody will tell me
Willow: because it's not ok for you to be asking these things.
Anya: But I don't understand, I don't understand how this all happens how we go through this. I mean I knew her and then she's, there is just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it, and not be dead anymore it's stupid, it's mortal and stupid. And Xander's crying and not talking, and and I was having fruit punch and thought that Joyce will never have fruit punch, ever, and she will never have eggs or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no-one will explain to me, why??
Willow: We don't know how it works, why?
(Xander smashes his hands into the wall)
Xander: Sorry, sorry, some pint-up
Willow: xander, where did your hand go?
Xander: as I was saying, some frustration, and now I uh, appear to be stuck.
Anya: My god, Is your hand ok?
Xander: Pretty much, I'm really sorry.
Anya: You could have hit an electric, thing.
Xander: and once again, with the sorry
Willow: Did it make you feel better?
Xander: for a second there.
Willow: A whole second?
Xander: in my defense, some crappy wall-men ship.
Willow: Yea you can hear everything that happens next-door.
Tara: (walks in) Did I miss something?
Anya: Xander decided that he blames the wall.
Willow: Can you turn your wrist?
Xander: Hold on (brings his hand out covered in blood) It's ok (stares at his hand)
Tara: it hurts
Willow: here wash it off
Anya: Band-Aids?
Willow: uh, underneath
Tara: I couldn't fin it
Willow: It doesn't matter, we should get there
Tara: yes.
Willow: I want to be there for Buffy.
Xander: your right, we'll go, we'll deal, we'll help, that's what we do, we help Buffy
Anya: How are we going to help? (They all walk out)
--the body--
