Opinions about open relationships?

[theroyalgoat]

Discussed this shortly in another thread and I think it is an interesting topic.

Mainly I'd like to know how many people think that it can work in a long term sense.

 

[BuffyElevated]

I don't see how open relationships could ever work long-term. To me, it's just giving someone permission to be a whore and that's not cool.
Me, personally? I'm waaaayyyy too jealous for it to ever work. I'm the kind of person that gets attached super-easily, and when someone doesn't reciprocate my exact feelings, I get really hurt by it. And as someone who has been through a cheating fiasco, I can tell you that when you think your significant other is thinking about someone else when they're with you, it really messes with your heart and your head. 🙁

 

[BananaBuffy]

I don't think open relationships are healthy. I would much rather have someone who really just cared about only me in that way. I'd like something exclusive because it would make me feel way more special, you know? It's not good and it's not right. So, yeah...that's my opinion. It's not much of one.

 

[Marisa]

That is a very good question. I don't think they could work IMO because Jealousy is a strong emotion. I can see some people doing this kind of relationship short term wise but for other things like marriage and kids I don't see it.

Then again people could argue that is does work because of things like Big love and sister wives(I think that is what it is called saw it on Oprah). I guess it depends on the person and how they feel toward another woman/man being in a relationship with their partner or the person they have a child with etc.

 

[InsaneMystic]

Just copy-and-pasting my post from the other thread into this one then. Yeah, I'm lazy, lol.

It's really not that hard not to cheat on someone. If you're that much of a slave to your hormones there's something wrong with you and should get it checked out. It's really easy, exciting, and fun to cheat, blaming biology is just a cop out so you can feel a little less guilty about it.

Common mistake to think ORs had anything to do with cheating. It's not cheating if you make sure to not make exclusive commitments in the first place. It does, of course, require honesty, maturity, and self-knowledge.

Neither has it anything to do with slavery to hormones, btw. No problem to go without sex for a year or five, but even if a potential partner were currently the only potential partner in a given sitch, I would never commit to be monogamous with them. To me, celibacy is an absolutely viable alternative to polyamory; monogamy is not.

I've tried open-relationships and it's cool at first, but it really doesn't take all that long for jealousy and resentment to come into the picture.

Maturity, again. Jealousy is the problem, and it's a clear sign for lack of maturity in my eyes. IMO, if one has jealousy issues, they're not ready to be in any kind of relationship, open or otherwise, and should "clean up their house" first. Jealousy, exclusivity and all that jazz are pretty totally incompatible to what I understand the word "love" to mean, and if you don't want love to have a place in it, why bother with relationships at all?

And besides that, it's really not safe. We put far too much faith in condoms. Their not a golden ticket, and you can't say that monogamy isn't practical. I really don't want to google the std stats because it's really depressing.

Enough ways and means to make love that are near 100% safe and don't require condoms. Genital penetration really is overrated. 😉

I think monogamy makes every kind of sense when the person is mature enough to handle it.

We clearly have to agree to disagree here, I guess. Exchanging the word "monogamy" with "polyamory" in that sentence would have me sign it immediately... but I just can't see any kind of maturity in the monogamous-exclusive arrangement.

What it boils down to is - if the most beautiful gal in the world, sharing my interests and sense of humor and clearly being erotically interested in me told me she'd want to ship with me, I'd ask if she meant monogamous... and if the answer were "yes", that'd be a knockout criterion making me go for "let's just be friends". I won't be monogamous, for anyone; I just consider the concept to be utterly flawed (ethically, philosophically, spiritually, and emotionally) and wouldn't compromise my values just to have sex with a partner who clearly, by virtue of their belief in monogamy, isn't right for me.

And some new part too... 😉

I would much rather have someone who really just cared about only me in that way. I'd like something exclusive because it would make me feel way more special, you know?

Funny how different people can be. 🙂 To think I'd be that special to someone would just make me immensely worried and freaking out with panic. I consider that unhealthy. One of the sweetest and most comfortable things to say to each other, IMO, is "I don't need you in my life, I just like to be with you."

It's much more enjoyable and comforting to me to know that I am an ultimately exchangable factor for someone in their life, but that this someone, again and again, chooses to spend some of their time with me without being forced to do so by some commitment forbidding them any alternatives. 🙂

EDIT: Oooh, look, I cracked the 2000 posts landmark. Go me. :yay:

 

[theroyalgoat]

For me personally the emotionless sex isn't all it's cracked up to be. If I'm drunk or it's been a long while then things happen, but for the most part I'm just bored with it. None of it really means anything and it's always a little awkward afterwards. It's something I used to be really into though so I understand the appeal of it.

But taking myself out of it, I just don't see how it can work. In the other thread it was mentioned that it's an issue of maturity and being able to handle it once the terms are clearly defined. I don't believe that though. I think it sounds good on paper, but when your partner is out knocking boots and your plans fall through and you're eating cookie dough and watching a Grey's Anatomy re-run all you're going to think about what they're doing and vise-versa. I don't know if that level of independence is possible in a commited and emotional relationship.

---------- Post added at 07:33 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:28 AM ----------

Just copy-and-pasting my post from the other thread into this one then. Yeah, I'm lazy, lol.



And some new part too... 😉


Funny how different people can be. 🙂 To think I'd be that special to someone would just make me immensely worried and freaking out with panic. I consider that unhealthy. One of the sweetest and most comfortable things to say to each other, IMO, is "I don't need you in my life, I just like to be with you."

It's much more enjoyable and comforting to me to know that I am an ultimately exchangable factor for someone in their life, but that this someone, again and again, chooses to spend some of their time with me without being forced to do so by some commitment forbidding them any alternatives. 🙂

EDIT: Oooh, look, I cracked the 2000 posts landmark. Go me. :yay:

Different strokes I suppose, but the idea that the person I really care about see's me as exchangeable would just depress the hell out of me. I don't date much, so when I do settle into a relationship it's with the specific guy that I care about. If both parties are exchangeable is it really a relationship or just a f#@& buddy situation?

 

[InsaneMystic]

For me personally the emotionless sex isn't all it's cracked up to be. If I'm drunk or it's been a long while then things happen, but for the most part I'm just bored with it. None of it really means anything and it's always a little awkward afterwards. It's something I used to be really into though so I understand the appeal of it.

Whoever said the sex outside the couplage would have to be any less loving (<< a term I prefer over "emotional" in that case, big emotions are pretty much a minefield to me, anyway, in social contexts) than the one within it? If it's not making love, I don't bother with sex anyway, inside or outside a 'ship.

I think it sounds good on paper, but when your partner is out knocking boots and your plans fall through and you're eating cookie dough and watching a Grey's Anatomy re-run all you're going to think about what they're doing and vise-versa. I don't know if that level of independence is possible in a commited and emotional relationship.

I simply try to make sure my plans for a nice evening never depend on one person, unless that one person is me. Independence FTW! 😀

If both parties are exchangeable is it really a relationship or just a f#@& buddy situation?

Where's the difference? 🙂 "Friends with benefits" basically is a 'ship in my eyes, and "best friends with benefits" sounds like the perfect one, to me... and like what I'm currently having. *beams*

I don't get the need for the passionately romancey stuff, I find it clouds the view on the important basics.

 

[methos]

i've seen it work quite happily for 3 years and going with some polyamarous friends of mine...

it works for them, not sure it'd work for me, but they're all happy so who am i to quibble lol

think it definitely depends on the people and relationships they're in

M

 

[brinkster130]

I think it all depends on what your expectations for a long term relationship are.

If you want a marriage in the future I don't think that being in an open relationship will lead to that. If you are against monogamy and have found someone that feels the same then sure that open relationship can last.

I do think open relationships are tricky, especially when people grow attached to the other person, become sexually intimate, begin to become jealous or decide that they want a marriage or children in the future. There are a lot of deal breakers in open relationships; and personally I think that it is only a matter of time before you run into one of those deal breakers.

 

[theroyalgoat]

Where's the difference? 🙂 "Friends with benefits" basically is a 'ship in my eyes, and "best friends with benefits" sounds like the perfect one, to me... and like what I'm currently having. *beams*

I don't get the need for the passionately romancey stuff, I find it clouds the view on the important basics.

There's a big difference for me. I view my friends in one light and my partners in a completely different one. It's a totally different dynamic. I hate romance and sappy crap like that, but when I'm with someone, that person instantly trumps my friends. It's not really passion or anything like that, it's a partnership in life.

 

[Taake]

To me, it's just giving someone permission to be a whore and that's not cool.

Firstly I'd like to object to this word, it's a bit harsh and offensive (also kind of implies payment 😉).

Secondly, I think open relationships are possible if it's between two people who are of the same state of mind in the matter. The problem is of course feelings, over time they can change and someone who thought and open relationship was a great idea to start might want more while the other person doesn't... it's a tricky scenario. Unlikely to work, but far from impossible...

Personally, in the long-term, it's not for me. I already have trust-issues and I don't think I could learn to trust someone enough to sustain that sort of relationship for a longer period of time, not if I cared at least which ideally in a relationship you do 🙂

 

[InsaneMystic]

@ brinkster130...
I definitely agree to that. 🙂 Sure helps to just not be the one who plans that far ahead (no, I'm not cookie dough, TYVM. The cookies are done alright, I just eat them myself. 😀).

You never have another person safe, unless you keep them locked up (whether emotionally or literally - and neither is a loving thing to do of course), so my approach to 'shipping sure is big on the "seize the day" philosophy. Right now, I find the idea that my shipmate might be around with me ten years from now a pleasant one and don't see anything immediately speaking against it; but I don't know if she'll even be around anymore tomorrow. Love, to me, has a lot to do with granting the other party every freedom they need to be as happy as they can be, and respecting that freedom means not tying them down with any kind of "as long as it's with me" catch. If it happens to be with me, great. If it ain't, well, I couldn't help it anyway. That's just life.

---------- Post added at 08:58 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:53 AM ----------

There's a big difference for me. I view my friends in one light and my partners in a completely different one. It's a totally different dynamic.

Whenever I started making such a difference, bad things started to happen. So that's not for me. Being my best friend, and the one with the highest statistical probability to be the one I'll choose to spend my time with if there are conflicting options, will be the best offer I'd be comfortable with making to a shipmate. 🙂

 

[theroyalgoat]

Well I'm glad that it works for you. It baffles me a little that it could work, but if all parties are happy and secure than that's all that really matters. Just really not for everyone.

 

[methos]

There's a big difference for me. I view my friends in one light and my partners in a completely different one. It's a totally different dynamic. I hate romance and sappy crap like that, but when I'm with someone, that person instantly trumps my friends. It's not really passion or anything like that, it's a partnership in life.

lol i can agree with that completely...

hell, i dated a professional dominatrix for going on 2 years, so i can't really judge anything roflol

M

 

[PrincessBuffy16]

I don't think I could ever be in one. I'm too emotional. I'm not judging anyone, because we're all different, but I think those relathionships are unhealthy and just an excuse because of the fear of bonding.

 

[Litheran]

If there's an agreement that you're not invested in one person (or two); it doesn't qualify as a relationship to me. More power to them for living their lives; but defining it as a relationship just isn't warranted in my opinion.

 

[methos]

from my friends, i know that any polyamorous relationship is a bit rock at best, but they try to strive to actually keep the relationship true to their ideals...

while their ideals may not be the same as 'normal relationship' ideals, from what i know of them, they're pretty damn similar

Fidelity and loyalty: Many polyamorists define fidelity not as sexual exclusivity but as faithfulness to the promises and agreements made about a relationship. A secret sexual relationship that violates those accords would be seen as a breach of fidelity. Polyamorists generally base definitions of commitment on considerations other than sexual exclusivity, e.g. "trust and honesty" or "growing old together".

Communication and negotiation: Because there is no "standard model" for polyamorous relationships, and reliance upon common expectations may not be realistic, polyamorists often advocate explicitly deciding the ground rules of their relationships with all concerned, and often emphasize that this should be an ongoing process of communication and respect. Polyamorists usually take a pragmatic approach to their relationships; they accept that sometimes they and their partners will make mistakes and fail to live up to these ideals, and that communication is important for repairing any breaches.

Trust, honesty, dignity and respect: Most polyamorists emphasize respect, trust, and honesty for all partners. A partner's partners should be accepted as part of that person's life rather than merely tolerated, and a relationship that requires deception, or where partners are not allowed to express their individual lives, is often seen as a poor model.

Gender equality: Most polyamorists do not believe in different relationship "rules" based on gender, a point of contrast with some forms of religious non-monogamy. However the ground rules of each relationship are negotiable, and very occasionally a couple will agree upon an asymmetric degree of freedom among the partners (who need not be of different genders) due to individual differences and needs.

Non-possessiveness: Polyamorists believe that excessive restrictions on other deep relationships are not for the best, as they tend to replace trust with a framework of ownership and control. They often strive to see their partner's partners in terms of the gain to their partner's life rather than the threat to their own. Poly relationships often involve negotiated agreements or "ground rules"; these agreements vary widely and may change over time, but could include consultation about new relationships, or seeking an existing partner's veto or approval.

Mutual support: This requires that each partner will support, and not undermine, the other, and will not deliberately use a secondary relationship to harm another party or relationship.

it's a lifestyle choice, just as vanilla relationships or bdsm relationships are a lifestyle choice... i'm doing going to judge or condemn it just because it's not the choice for me... if the people in the relationship are happy, then it works for them and that's what matters

M

 

[Litheran]

That makes sense to me; not my cuppa but I understand it. A couple who is not sexually exclusive certainly has it's appeal. But if the people involved don't consider themselves a couple and are just enjoying each others company/having sex; I don't know why they would put any kind of label on it.

 

[methos]

oh, i will point out that my posts in this regard have to deal with all members of the 'relationship' loving each other... hence the name polyamorists lol

M

 

[caitaintdead]

I find it kind of hard to understand what the difference is between having a friend that you sleep with and having an open relationship? Isn't it kind of the same thing? Just different labelling?

Anyway, I don't think there is anything wrong with it, but It's not something I could do long term. Generally if I like someone enough to both sleep with them AND want to be friends/have a relatuonship with someone, it means I like them enough to want to give a real relationship a chance.

I guess I can't really claim to know to much about this kind of thing considering my way to complicated love life at the moment! But it just comes down to the fact that I have a human need to connect with people.

Also, one more thing I wanted to add. If you plan on being in an open relationship you have to, have to, HAVE TO, make it so clear to the other person that nothing will ever happen.
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