Opinions about open relationships?

[InsaneMystic]

If there's an agreement that you're not invested in one person (or two); it doesn't qualify as a relationship to me.

It probably won't surprise you, but I don't even have a clue what you mean by the term "invested in one person", lol.

More power to them for living their lives; but defining it as a relationship just isn't warranted in my opinion.

But if the people involved don't consider themselves a couple and are just enjoying each others company/having sex; I don't know why they would put any kind of label on it.

I find it kind of hard to understand what the difference is between having a friend that you sleep with and having an open relationship? Isn't it kind of the same thing? Just different labelling?

Basically, I think "relationship/couple" are pretty much empty labels, by themselves. To me, two people are a "couple" in a "relationship" the moment they choose to have those labels apply to whatever it is they're doing together. 🙂

Personally, I can't for the life of me see a difference between "best friends with benefits" and "couple", so I don't have a problem calling the ship I'm in either one of those terms interchangeably. 😉

Anyway, I don't think there is anything wrong with it, but It's not something I could do long term. Generally if I like someone enough to both sleep with them AND want to be friends/have a relatuonship with someone, it means I like them enough to want to give a real relationship a chance.

"Real" as opposed to...? 😉

Also, one more thing I wanted to add. If you plan on being in an open relationship you have to, have to, HAVE TO, make it so clear to the other person that nothing will ever happen.

Not sure I get what you mean there. "Nothing will happen" in regards to "married, two fat children and a picket fence" with your open-shipmate? Not sure that'd be impossible to do in an OR, if one swings that way, even though that vision certainly is not my cuppa tea, at all. I basically see it as my ethical duty to make my stance on it all very clear on the onset, the moment any kind of erotic attraction dawns up on the horizon... but I think you also have to make it clear from the onset if that kinda thing is your cuppa. Never assume anything starting up a social sitch, be it couplyness, friendship, or whatever - with the only possible assumption that your basic human rights shall not be violated by it. 😛

It all goes back to the honesty, respect, and communication methos mentioned in his post above (a post that sums it all up perfectly, IMO).

EDIT:

I'm not judging anyone, because we're all different, but I think those relathionships are unhealthy and just an excuse because of the fear of bonding.

Depends on what you mean by "bonding". I'd strongly argue that there is a very real, solid bond between me and my shipmate... we wouldn't be best friends without it, and that's the base for the ship, just add erotic attraction. 😀

Actually, the run-off-the-mill monogamous concept of bonding sounds more like bondage to me. I won't make no excuses; I'll freely admit that, yes, indeed I am scared to death of it. It's a mystery to me why some people aren't scared of signing away their freedom like that. :idunno:

 

[luckystar]

I think for a couple that understand the rules it is a good option and a lot healthier than just sleeping around behind each others backs. For long term reasons though I can't see it working, if I was in an open relationship I couldn't stand the thought of my better half with someone else so that would be difficult to deal with.

 

[Lilah]

I recently split up with my ex boyfriend and the thing that sucked most was it ended and he still liked me but he just didn't want to be in a relationship to just 1 person. I said to him I like you so much too, so its cool if you sleep with other guys. What was I thinking I just didnt want to lose him completely. We spoke and I cried and it was established we were over. I went home for a few days and when back we stayed with each other every night, and still did the deed it felt like we hadn't broken up. I then fought I can't stick around if he won't be with me so I left yesterday, it was sad to say goodbye to him but we will meet up when possible. I wouldn't of been happy with the whole open relationship thing if he agree to it, stupid me!

 

[Big Damn Hero]

I think that if polyamory suits you, and it's what you want, then go for it. As long as noone's being hurt or coerced against their will then do whatever the hell you want.

I also think that open relationships can be a viable option at other times. For example, case study: me.

I met my boyfriend when I was 17 and he was 35. We were in a commited relationship for a year before we broke up because I'd just gone to university and wanted my freedom to do what I wanted there, and it was a long distance (5 hours away from each other) and it just wasn't working out. But the spark was still there, and we were (and still are) each other's best friends. So we decided to have an open relationship. It meant that we both had the freedom to do what we wanted between the months of seeing each other, and when we did see each other (normally about five days every few months) it was just like it was before. Now, four years later, we're back exclusively.

 

[caitaintdead]

Sorry I definitely should have been more clear, I'm just being lazy cause Im typing on a crappy phone, and it kinda hurts my nails.

Also, Im probably letting to much of myself come through in my opinions, which usually isn't a good thing either!

Basically i met a guy a few years back and I really liked him, we had soo much in common, were similar people, made each other laugh and were definitely attracted to each other.

For whatever reason though he made it clear that he only wanted one thing from me and it wasn't my sense of humour... I wanted more from him because I liked him and wanted to spend more time with him.

That doesn't mean fat grandchildren and marriage just... A connection. Being able to call him after a bad day of work, and knowing that he would do the same.

Maybe there is a difference though between an open relationship and a f*** buddy relationship?

Im not going to sit here and pretend I know anything at all about this. Baring in mind my fiance just left me, I definitely am not an expert!
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[Litheran]

It probably won't surprise you, but I don't even have a clue what you mean by the term "invested in one person", lol.

What I mean is that when I'm in a monogamous relationship; I'm dating exclusively with the intention of seeing whether this is the person I want to settle down with. You're risking quite a lot; and therefore investing in each others happiness by betting your own. So you're putting yourself out there.

From what I gather of the opposite; if someone in an open dating scenario suddenly decides they no longer want to be involved with the other; nothing is lost because nothing was ventured to begin with. There was no promises made so it's a fickle beast depending on the people involved.

Like I said I can understand it works for others; I personally could never trust a woman with my body without trusting her with my heart first. (Tacky sentiment I know.)

 

[MRNewman]

I'm happily married to one person and have only been in monogamous relationships. The whole concept of even being in an open relationship is foreign to me. If it works for others - good for you, but I could never do something like that. It doesn't feel like a relationship to me if the other person is allowed to sleep with whomever they like. That's just me I guess...

 

[InsaneMystic]

What I mean is that when I'm in a monogamous relationship; I'm dating exclusively with the intention of seeing whether this is the person I want to settle down with. You're risking quite a lot; and therefore investing in each others happiness by betting your own. So you're putting yourself out there.

From what I gather of the opposite; if someone in an open dating scenario suddenly decides they no longer want to be involved with the other; nothing is lost because nothing was ventured to begin with. There was no promises made so it's a fickle beast depending on the people involved.

Okies, if you define it like that, I guess I don't invest in anyone but myself, on principle. 😛

Like I said before, you never know what's coming, you can't control the future and can't make anyone be with you... so, for me, the wise thing to do is just to be as nice, caring, and loving as possible to each other right here and now, and not plan for tomorrow, because noone knows what tomorrow may or may not bring. Right now is all we really have, so let's make it count by helping each other to have the best time of it that we can... and that just might include love-making. 🙂

Basically i met a guy a few years back and I really liked him, we had soo much in common, were similar people, made each other laugh and were definitely attracted to each other.

For whatever reason though he made it clear that he only wanted one thing from me and it wasn't my sense of humour... I wanted more from him because I liked him and wanted to spend more time with him.

That doesn't mean fat grandchildren and marriage just... A connection. Being able to call him after a bad day of work, and knowing that he would do the same.

If I'm getting the vibe there correctly, it sounds to me like I wouldn't have called that one a friendship. That type of connection would definitely have to be there for me to consider someone a friend, instead of just an acquaintance. And for me, personally, a mere acquaintance is not someone I'd do the naughty with. (See next paragraph.)

Maybe there is a difference though between an open relationship and a f*** buddy relationship?

If the latter is so casual as to make me wonder if you're really friends, then yes. For an OR, a solid base of close friendship - which, to me, definitely is a bond of mutual love; I'd never call someone a friend if I don't love them - is a definite must for me. So it's not a such huge thing making love to a friend, because the love is already there; sexuality it's just one method to express it. And I don't get why that method would have to be categorically reserved exclusively for one of your friends, even if it's your best one.

Mh, I wonder... correct me if I'm wrong, could it be that I "invest" (to borrow Litheran's expression) more into a friendship than some of you monogamists? (Heh. Funny thing to call people that. 😀) Making me more casual about choice of sex partners, you more casual about choice of friends?

 

[sisterofmercy]

It's not something I would ever want to get involved in, but if people want to do that and it's all above board then fair enough. Whatever makes them happy.

 

[mayfever]

I think for an OR to work two people have to be very honest about their feelings, both to themselves and to their partners. Both have to be aware of what they are getting into, and the reasons for their choice have to be more profound than "I don't like commitment", because once you are in a relationship, be it mono- or polygamous, you are committed to someone whether you like it or not. I don't think there are very many functioning ORs out there; a friend of mine was in one for a while and it went down eventually because they didn't communicate properly.

I'm not judging anyone who makes an informed decision on that matter. That said, I know that I myself could never be in one - I'm prone to jealousy (if I'm not jealous that means I don't care) and I could never, ever be ok with someone else touching the person I love.

Spoiler

Except if it was a threesome, but even then the third person would have to be SMG or DB 😀

 

[InsaneMystic]

[...]and the reasons for their choice have to be more profound than "I don't like commitment", because once you are in a relationship, be it mono- or polygamous, you are committed to someone whether you like it or not.

Neither more nor less committed than you are to a close friend. 🙂

That said, I know that I myself could never be in one - I'm prone to jealousy (if I'm not jealous that means I don't care) and I could never, ever be ok with someone else touching the person I love.

I gotta admit, there's one kind of jealousy I am still very prone to, too. :blush: Making out with someone else in front of your partners eyes would be a sitch I could not handle well; I think it's disrespectful, so a "swinger's club" setting would be a no-go for me (I clearly think, though, that if I were a "perfect person", I should be able to accept that, too, and I have deep respect and admiration for those who can be free of my problem with it). So refraining from doing that is a rule that, to me, is necessary for it to work - free to make love to whoever it feels right with at the time, as long as it's not in front of the partner - and I'm glad my shipmate agrees to the "yeah, that'd just be rude" train of thought. 🙂

 

[Willow My Love]

IMO, if one has jealousy issues, they're not ready to be in any kind of relationship

Everyone has jealousy issues. It's part of human nature; the strive to be the alpha. Anyone who says differently is lying to themselves.

My opinion is that if you're under the understanding that it's not exclusive, that's your deal, but to me, you can't have your cake and eat it too. It's not something I'd ever agree to.

Mature, committed relationships don't mean that someone has to be with you because they've made that commitment. That makes it sound like a chore. Fact is, that person cares about you so much that they want you, and only you. They're willing to give up any other possibility because they love you. Not because they told you they would be with you. They're choosing to be with just you.

I was in a long term relationship with someone for 2 years. The understanding was that it was exclusive. I kept up my end of that. I only wanted him. I was only with him. He was unfaithful after just 3 1/2 months, WITH MY BEST FRIEND. And kept it up until I caught him. By then, he had a whole 'nother girlfriend. He'd slept with 5 other girls. I was infuriated! I had the chance to cheat, for the last year of our relationship, but I didn't. Once I got out of that relationship, I started one with the person who tried to get me to leave him. It was good, for a while. But we really weren't compatible.

The person I'm with now, we KNOW it's not open. Neither of us wants it to be. It's not that we're being forced to be only with that person, we just love each other, and we're enough for each other. No one else matters. They're just others. They're not potential dates. I love my partner and wouldn't want to be with anyone else in the world. I don't care who turns up, I'd never go astray. I've got my one and only, and it's like a fairytale romance. We hardly ever fight, we love the same things, and my whole family is happy for us. For anyone else to think they'd have a shot with either of us is laughable.

To me, when I'm in a relationship with someone, I honor that. No one else can turn my head. I don't see anyone else, just who I'm with. I guess I'm just intensely loyal that way.

 

[Tueuse de Vampires]

Considering guys usually just want to sleep with me, nothing else, I would be very happy to have at least an open relationship for once.

To me, it's just giving someone permission to be a whore and that's not cool.

Actually, I think in an open relationship you're probably a lot less 'whoring around' than when you're single. It doesn't mean you just have to go out and eff everyone, it jsut gives you an option to love more than one person. A lot fewer relationships would probably founder...just look at all of those that ever broke up because of cheating or because they developed feelings for someone else.


Of course, who am I to talk. I'm basically a relationship virgin, so I guess \i might also just be way off with my opinion.

 

[Kana]

I’m not morally against them. I think if all parties go in with their eyes open then fine but personally they’re not for me.

I think the most important thing however is mutual respect between the parties involved and this includes honesty and openness between the lovers. I also think it’s important establish rules, underlining that everyone involved understands.

I’m loathe to the idea that preferring to be in an exclusive relationship is indicative of being insecure, anymore than the being in a polyamorous relationship signifies a stronger desire for sexual satisfaction. It’s a lot more complicated depending on personal values and how you view relationships in general. For me I get more emotional satisfaction from monogamous relationships than non –exclusive relationships. In the same way I only have very few friends. For me communication is important but I don’t think the idea of being in a healthy close relationship whereby both partner are equal and both of the have the freedom to do as they please, is incompatible with monogamy. It’s like having different view on morality and politics: If we assume mutual respect, even if our ideals are different, then I doubt I’ll condemn you for it, but the closer our relationship is, the more our ‘politics’ have to match.

The dichotomy between friends with benefits and being in a committed relationship is important. For me, the idea of not putting labels on relationships sounds attractive but in practice at least having an idea where the relationship might be headed is important. Is that to do with insecurity? I don’t think so, it’s to do with personal preference. People want different levels of commitment and have different criteria from a partner. I wouldn’t be presumptuous to state an overall maxim about the healthiness of a relationship depending on the level of exclusiveness.

Personally, I’m not bothered about marriage or even having children, because those conventions aren’t important to me (convention coming to think of it sounds insulting) but I for me personally being in an exclusive relationship something close to my heart.

 

[InsaneMystic]

Everyone has jealousy issues. It's part of human nature; the strive to be the alpha. Anyone who says differently is lying to themselves.

Strive to be the alpha? I guess I'm lacking that. Really sounds like a chore more than anything else. Wouldn't be the only drive I seem to lack; I never quite understood the "drive to procreate", either. 🙂

Mature, committed relationships don't mean that someone has to be with you because they've made that commitment. That makes it sound like a chore. Fact is, that person cares about you so much that they want you, and only you. They're willing to give up any other possibility because they love you. Not because they told you they would be with you. They're choosing to be with just you.

Basically, the bolded part, to me, is just giving up way too much, so much that I cannot see that as love, at all. Locking out all alternatives is making oneself unfree, and to me, love is freedom. Loving just one person sounds completely ridiculous to me, it either comes absolutely naturally flowing to love lots and lots of people when I'm in a loving state of mind, or I'm just putting a nicer label to a loveless romantic obsession if there is any "special someone" when I'm not in that state of mind. (Been there, done that, way too many times, and hoping to never, ever having to go back there. Both myself and the potential victims of my romantic obsession deserve loads better than this.)

To me, when I'm in a relationship with someone, I honor that. No one else can turn my head. I don't see anyone else, just who I'm with. I guess I'm just intensely loyal that way.

I totally believe you. I'd just assume that you rate loyalty so high that there's no place for love anymore, and that seems a way too high price to pay to me. I am, and will hopefully always be, more loyal to my values than I'll ever be to a person... and love is one of the top values on my list.

I was in a long term relationship with someone for 2 years. The understanding was that it was exclusive. I kept up my end of that. I only wanted him. I was only with him. He was unfaithful after just 3 1/2 months, WITH MY BEST FRIEND. And kept it up until I caught him. By then, he had a whole 'nother girlfriend. He'd slept with 5 other girls. I was infuriated! I had the chance to cheat, for the last year of our relationship, but I didn't.

Just repeating... that story has got nothing to do with ORs, in itself. 😉

The person I'm with now, we KNOW it's not open. Neither of us wants it to be. It's not that we're being forced to be only with that person, we just love each other, and we're enough for each other. No one else matters. They're just others. They're not potential dates. I love my partner and wouldn't want to be with anyone else in the world. I don't care who turns up, I'd never go astray. I've got my one and only, and it's like a fairytale romance. We hardly ever fight, we love the same things, and my whole family is happy for us. For anyone else to think they'd have a shot with either of us is laughable.

Doesn't sound healthy to me (would be hell for me, to be frank), but if that's what rocks your boat, who am I to say stop it? 😉

I think the most important thing however is mutual respect between the parties involved and this includes honesty and openness between the lovers. I also think it's important establish rules, underlining that everyone involved understands.

100 % agreed. 🙂

I'm loathe to the idea that preferring to be in an exclusive relationship is indicative of being insecure, anymore than the being in a polyamorous relationship signifies a stronger desire for sexual satisfaction. It's a lot more complicated depending on personal values and how you view relationships in general. [...] It's like having different view on morality and politics: If we assume mutual respect, even if our ideals are different, then I doubt I'll condemn you for it, but the closer our relationship is, the more our "˜politics' have to match. [...] I wouldn't be presumptuous to state an overall maxim about the healthiness of a relationship depending on the level of exclusiveness.

You know, I kinda admire you for being this accepting to both sides. I guess I just have way too much to lose to be able to see monogamy as worth anything; the concept would, without the shadow of a doubt, pretty totally kill off my ability to love, so I react strongly against it. (In fact, if you think I'm lashing out against monogamous commitments nowadays, you'd likely have considered me a scary crackhead a few years back. I've become a lot less firebrand-preachy against the sin of monogamy than back then, lol.)

The dichotomy between friends with benefits and being in a committed relationship is important. For me, the idea of not putting labels on relationships sounds attractive but in practice at least having an idea where the relationship might be headed is important. Is that to do with insecurity? I don't think so, it's to do with personal preference. People want different levels of commitment and have different criteria from a partner.

And they also use different labels even when those labels consist of the same words... words that are "objectively" empty and filled with meaning only by the labelling persons, themselves. 🙂

To me, personally, a commitment that includes any kind of mid- to long-term goal to where the ship is to be headed sounds unwise, as in impractical (circumstances and people change way too much for that over time, so why bother planning ahead beyond tomorrow or so?); and monogamous commitment sounds just loveless. I can commit myself to you pretty wholly, for the moment, which gives a pretty good basis for a short-term prognosis at the likelihood I'd commit myself to you like that in future moments, too. I both cannot and will not commit to further ahead, though, and I will never betray the concept of love by signing away my right to love other persons and commit myself to them in the moments in between those spent with you - basically, if someone wanted that from me, I'd assume they don't love me in the first place, and don't want to be loved by me either; that ship is clearly is going no place I'd want to end up at, so why would I even bother giving something like this a try and waste my chance at love in the meantime?

 

[brinkster130]

I never quite understood the "drive to procreate", either. 🙂

What?! Babies are so cute...their tiny little fingers and toes, the toothless smiles, their big eyes....who could resist? 😛

I kid I kid; I understand that its not for everyone. I do think that not wanting to reproduce is a very important part of maintaining an open relationship.

 

[mayfever]

Actually, I think in an open relationship you're probably a lot less 'whoring around' than when you're single. It doesn't mean you just have to go out and eff everyone, it jsut gives you an option to love more than one person.

I have yet to meet the person who is single and "whoring around". I think being single is a lot less glamorous than it's cranked up to be - sure, you go to parties, and sometimes you meet someone and go home with them (theoretically; I don't - not for want of trying, but I'm either sending out the wrong signals or really, really unattractive), but that's maybe twice a year on average. It just doesn't happen that often, and to me, that hardly counts as "whoring".

Now, if you're in an open relationship, I'd say you're a pretty adventurous type anyway (sexually), meaning you know exactly where and how to get it. The people I know who are in one sure as hell get more than my single friends.

 

[Big Damn Hero]

I object to the term "whoring around". Why shouldn't I be able to meet someone and sleep with them, no strings attatched, as long as we both know what the deal is and it's protected? It's not hurting anyone so why should it matter?

 

[InsaneMystic]

Now, if you're in an open relationship, I'd say you're a pretty adventurous type anyway (sexually), meaning you know exactly where and how to get it. The people I know who are in one sure as hell get more than my single friends.

Dunno if I'm the odd man out on that yet again, but that's certainly not true for me. I'm pretty introverted and slow to make friends, and actually going out to pick someone to make friends with with the express intent on doing the naughty with them not only sounds like a strenuous bother, but kinda cheap/hollow/manipulative anyway... so it can easily be several months in between "getting some"; actually I can't even remember for sure the last time for me, I *think* it was some time this summer, lol.

However, if you are my friend, and in my "target group" of attractivity (most of my freinds are female and not exactly dog-faced either, so that's easily 80%+ of them 😛), the question of whether or not we're gonna make love is almost guaranteed to come up, and pretty soon. More often than not, the answer will be "no", and that's absolutely fine; but I hope I'll never get desperate enough to put up with a ship in which my partner denied me the right to be asking that question to my other friends in the first place.

Basically, it's about asserting my rights, in principle. I won't stand for having a ship deny me the right of loving who I want, and making love to who I want as an expression of that love. It seems pretty sad to me to resign to committing to someone who not only doesn't give you love (if they loved you, they wouldn't cage you in), but denies you the right to live your love elsewhere, too. To me, it's much, much preferrable to be celibate than in a monogamous ship, because being celibate at least leaves hope for improvement, while the monogamous lock-up is just a fate worse than death.

 

[EvilBuffy]

To me, it's much, much preferrable to be celibate than in a monogamous ship, because being celibate at least leaves hope for improvement, while the monogamous lock-up is just a fate worse than death.

Unless you find someone who fully satisfies you.




Anyways, open relationship are not for me. I don't like to share. 😀