Overcoming shyness

[caitaintdead]

Bahahaha too true! You crack me up. Totally do not fit the internet stereotype.

I'll probably get blasted for this but the best way I've found to make friends is to be a smoker. I've met soooo many friends from the 'smokers corner'. If that fails then a few drinks always loosens the lips 😛 Im sure there are healthier ways but thats just what works for me. (And I dont encourage people taking up smoking or drinking, just speaking of my experience)

The smokers corner thing is SO true about making friends. Some of my besties wouldn't even be my friends if it wasn't for smoking. I love the social aspect of being able to escape with someone outside and get to know people away from the hustle and bustle of work or a party or a loud nightclub. It works just as well for meeting boys that I've dated as well.

Personally smoking is such a huge part of who I am and how I socialise that I just can't imagine my life without it. As you said though... maybe not the healthiest way to socialise.

Then again I do socialise with a lot of girls from my soccer team which is generally a much healthier way to socialise and meet people. 20 locked in female friends that don't smoke has been good for me!

 

[Christopher]

Then again I do socialise with a lot of girls from my soccer team which is generally a much healthier way to socialise and meet people. 20 locked in female friends that don't smoke has been good for me!

Sounds like the beginning of a porno.

Caitaintdead, I said shy girls are good at.. sleeping. I think you read it incorrectly, mate. The old adage of 'it always being the quiet ones' is true in my experience. As a matter of fact that applies not only to sleeping but real life- loud boisterous characters are usually terrible company after a while. From what I know of you I don't think you're too much of a loud character but have enough confidence to be interesting and not socially retarded. It's the best way to be and you sound happy with yourself. You're like a female version of myself 🙂

Something I've noticed is that many people I talk to online don't fit into normal society or just aren't very popular. I'm that way in my real life, I don't have that many friends. I just don't know how to act around people. And the people I go to school with can't seem to get past their first impression of me. I was so different in my first year of high school but unfortunately that sticks with you. I don't know, I'm just not that popular...mostly in school. In other places I'm actually surprisingly popular. 'Cause I'm more confident when I'm at places like drama or whatever.

I think the internet is a place where we can find acceptance. I've met so many people on the internet that I know are going to become real life friends one day. We all talk on skype or discuss plans for the future. I know it's sad that the majority of my life is online but it's where I've found the people I can relate to the most and that don't care about my strange-ness.

At this very moment I'm talking to one of my best friends (who I've only met online) about plans that involve her possibly going to university here in New Zealand and us getting an apartment together. Because we know this is a possibility.

I don't regret being shy and not having a life.

Your first point is an observation I made when I first started this forum, obviously it got shot down by a lot of people and the BB hive mind were all 'OMG this bastard' without properly considering what I said, but you're right. There does seem to be a kind of clique online that it's a world people can be accepted in very easily to make up for possibly being not all that you can be in reality. Before everyone starts crying and running to social networking sites to complain about what a bastard I am, look around the forum. It's full of people desperate to share very personal things with only the slightest provocation. If somebody had a well adjusted 'real' life they wouldn't be so willing to share, and like you say it's escapism and a way to be what you know deep down you're really not.

The sad thing is, in reality if most of the people desperate to be socially acceptable were then they would doubtless end up a worse person for it. There are no rules and certainties, but a lot of people here seem to be in similar situations and I think just a bit of self confidence would go a long way to improving their lives. See people that live their lives through Facebook as another example of requiring validation that they are in some way important to the world.

The thing is I don't know what else to do. I mean I interact with people at school, but none of them are really all that interesting. I think it will get better when I try out for this role at the community theater in a couple weeks... I think I'm going to get it. If I do, I'll have a place to meet and interact with interesting people in real life and therefore spend less time online.

Most people are not interesting, but the way you dismiss them and say that there are only interesting people online in your experience is strange to me. you have to remember that these are real people too, and they live in the real world. Statistically all of the people you are close to online are there in real life too, along with hundreds of thousands more very similar. Nobody is unique in this world, there is somebody who is very similar to your closest online friend that lives near you right now- all you need to do is find them. I think the theatre thing is a great idea by the way and will really help you out.

I hope I've not come across as condescending or like I'm trying to control peoples lives, but I've studied the psychology behind people's thought processes quite extensively and as this is the first online community I've spent more then five minutes with am suddenly learning a lot in a short period of time. You can see by my BB hate group and lack of netiquette that this will probably be my online downfall, but in the same way many of you have social problems offline I have them when I'm here because it's new to me. Please try to bear that in mind next time you get offended by a throwaway comment I make, and don't take it to heart 🙂

 

[zobothehobo]

Most people are not interesting, but the way you dismiss them and say that there are only interesting people online in your experience is strange to me. you have to remember that these are real people too, and they live in the real world. Statistically all of the people you are close to online are there in real life too, along with hundreds of thousands more very similar. Nobody is unique in this world, there is somebody who is very similar to your closest online friend that lives near you right now- all you need to do is find them. I think the theatre thing is a great idea by the way and will really help you out.

I'm not saying there are only interesting people online, I'm saying I don't know where to find interesting people I can connect with in real life. If I did, I'd spend a hell of a lot less time in my room and a lot more time with physical people. I tried to join the local Buffy meetup group before joining this board but when that group ended up being a bunch of Buffy fans in the area talking about what events they wish they could have and never putting one together, I stopped trying with them. Honestly, I spend so much time online because I have very little IRL friends and don't know where to find them, not the other way around.

---------- Post added at 09:17 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:09 AM ----------

Ms.Trick agrees: YOU HAVE A LOCAL BUFFY MEETING GROUP? That's surely something we wouldn't see over here!

It's only in theory. Like I said, I checked that out before joining BB and it turned out to be a bunch of people in and around my city talking about how they want to get together and do this and that... one suggestion is do a OMWF singalong... another is a big group read of season 8 and the Angel comics... another is a shipping war meeting... all of which sound like ridiculous fun to me... but since it is in and around the city, no one can decide on a location and people are awful and can't decide on a time either. A couple weeks ago, a girl joined who goes to the college I live a block from so I sent her an email and asked if since she and I have to be rather close... if she wants to do something, but she didn't respond...

---------- Post added at 09:22 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:17 AM ----------

ApricotAngel agrees: Then take over and arrange the meet, time and place yourself

Maybe I could do that if I was one of the "top" members of the group and had been there from the beginning when they actually had meetings... but I joined a group that had about 25 members 6 months ago.

 

[caitaintdead]

Sounds like the beginning of a porno.

Caitaintdead, I said shy girls are good at.. sleeping. I think you read it incorrectly, mate. The old adage of 'it always being the quiet ones' is true in my experience. As a matter of fact that applies not only to sleeping but real life- loud boisterous characters are usually terrible company after a while. From what I know of you I don't think you're too much of a loud character but have enough confidence to be interesting and not socially retarded. It's the best way to be and you sound happy with yourself. You're like a female version of myself 🙂

I wouldn't say I'm a loud character, no. Definitely more a confidence that helps me get on in the real world though. I'm not ALWAYS happy with myself, but I tend to be happier with who I am more regularly than I'm not.

We would definitely get along well in real life.

You remind me of two of my favourite Buffy Boarders [spoilers]Scobro and Revolver.[/spoilers] Take it as a compliment or I'll neg rep ya!

Your first point is an observation I made when I first started this forum, obviously it got shot down by a lot of people and the BB hive mind were all 'OMG this bastard' without properly considering what I said, but you're right. There does seem to be a kind of clique online that it's a world people can be accepted in very easily to make up for possibly being not all that you can be in reality. Before everyone starts crying and running to social networking sites to complain about what a bastard I am, look around the forum. It's full of people desperate to share very personal things with only the slightest provocation. If somebody had a well adjusted 'real' life they wouldn't be so willing to share, and like you say it's escapism and a way to be what you know deep down you're really not.

I agree and disagree with this. Oh yes, both at the same time. I understand that people are much more likely to jump to offence online than in real life. And correct me if I'm wrong or you disagree but here's my theory. The people that are most likely to get offended by comments are the kind of people that are shy and insecure. In real life they wouldn't say anything back. Online they have that added security to be able to tell you to piss off and that they're offended. Where I disagree with you? I think this is possibly a good thing. Perhaps if shy people can begin their journey to security online then they can take it offline and become more confident people. I like this. Also, one more point. I am pretty damn similar online to how I am in real life. If anything I am more laid back online.

 

[Bexieh]

Where I disagree with you? I think this is possibly a good thing. Perhaps if shy people can begin their journey to security online then they can take it offline and become more confident people. I like this. Also, one more point. I am pretty damn similar online to how I am in real life. If anything I am more laid back online.

I agree with you there. I think for some, turning to the internet in this situation can be a bad thing, but for some people it can be positive too. I suffer from anxiety in social situations. And so I tend to come off as shy and quiet etc. A couple of things in recent years though, I won't go into detail, have kinda shocked me into realising I really need to sort myself out and become a more outgoing person if I want to make any kind of impact at all. Some might say spending a lot of time online and not going out as much as some people my age may be counterproductive to that idea (and a lot of people I know DO), but I figure if it's what I enjoy, and if I hate going clubbing and stuff like the rest of my classmates etc, then why not stay in and be happy? I've met a LOT of GREAT people in my time online on other boards and stuff and they've become a sort of support network for me. I've managed to move forward a bit and I think if it wasn't for them and for building up some form of confidence online first, I never would have been able to. I'm not saying it's 'cured' me, but it's helping. Obviously it's different for different people, but that's my views on it.

 

[Doppelgang]

Most people are not interesting, but the way you dismiss them and say that there are only interesting people online in your experience is strange to me. you have to remember that these are real people too, and they live in the real world.

I think, contrary to this comment of ApricotAngel, Zobothehobo, that its quite normal for a young person still at school to have not met many interesting people, you can find yourself amongst backward people in many parts of this world, but once you become a part of wider social networks, joining groups of like-minded people (such as the theatre as you mentioned), going to university and studying with people interested in the same subject, you're almost bound to meet people who you find interesting. Just don't be too eager to share too much about yourself too soon with a new friend unless you're sure you can trust them, and try to not to be anxious to be liked by them, for a true friend will like you in their own fashion, not based on you're efforts to get them to like you.

 

[This Year's Girl]

I think, contrary to this comment of ApricotAngel, Zobothehobo, that its quite normal for a young person still at school to have not met many interesting people, you can find yourself amongst backward people in many parts of this world, but once you become a part of wider social networks, joining groups of like-minded people (such as the theatre as you mentioned), going to university and studying with people interested in the same subject, you're almost bound to meet people who you find interesting. Just don't be too eager to share too much about yourself too soon with a new friend unless you're sure you can trust them, and try to not to be anxious to be liked by them, for a true friend will like you in their own fashion, not based on you're efforts to get them to like you.

:heart:! Too bad I'm on My phone, I want to give you so much karma for saying this! You rock and it's so true!

 

[InsaneMystic]

I've basically done away with offline contacts pretty completely since I've got net access... and I'm not regretting it, either. Offline contacts just mean sensory overflow leading to emotional chaos, I don't mind being rid of that. I get that my approach would be shite for 95%+ of people, though... but I guess I'm odd that way in the "internet hermit" being exactly the life I like.

 

[Doppelgang]

I've basically done away with offline contacts pretty completely since I've got net access... and I'm not regretting it, either. Offline contacts just mean sensory overflow leading to emotional chaos, I don't mind being rid of that. I get that my approach would be shite for 95%+ of people, though... but I guess I'm odd that way in the "internet hermit" being exactly the life I like.

I can see what you mean about emotional chaos and sensory overflow, but having physical closeness with other human beings is quite an important thing, if not always to have, but atleast to aim at and still think one day you may have it again. Its good to not let your life revolve around physical closeness, but I think its important to stay open to the possiblity of it. Shyness in such a circumstance would then be an excuse not to even try to interact with others, when its something you should be working at and trying to overcome.

---------- Post added at 06:14 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:02 PM ----------

ApricotAngel agrees: Post of the day!

Sarcasm Alert!

---------- Post added at 06:31 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:14 PM ----------

zobothehobo agrees: You know, this was really helpful. Thank you very much

No problem 🙂 We're here to help each other, so don't let anyone make you feel ashamed about expressing yourself

 

[Christopher]

Sarcasm? Far from it. I completely agree with what you're saying hence the positive feedback, I would have given you a negative if I disagreed. There is a balance that people need to get between their on/offline lives and like you suggested completely cutting human off contact is a very, very bad idea.

 

[InsaneMystic]

I can see what you mean about emotional chaos and sensory overflow, but having physical closeness with other human beings is quite an important thing, if not always to have, but atleast to aim at and still think one day you may have it again. Its good to not let your life revolve around physical closeness, but I think its important to stay open to the possiblity of it. Shyness in such a circumstance would then be an excuse not to even try to interact with others, when its something you should be working at and trying to overcome.

I get what you're saying (and like I said, my lifestyle would feel shite to 95%+ of peeps), still I can't help but notice that my life quality has absolutely skyrocketed since I made the cut. I really disagree with the psychological stance of "general overcomability" - definitely one of the issues that make me still react with hate and anger when I think of the jerk who was my therapist a few years back; it seems totally presumptious to me. I'm much more in favor of an "accept your limitations" stance, and finding a niche for yourself that you can live in comfortably, fulfilling, and socially useful (or, at the very least, harmless). To me, the offline world just doesn't qualify.

My life is vastly better (including less depressing and less lonely) with social contact only happening over a PC monitor anymore than it ever was when I still bothered with "real life" contacts. A virtual hug, stroke, or kiss feels tons of times more fulfilling to me than the offline equivalent ever did, and most likely, could ever do... and anything beyond that would basically have been unthinkable outside of the net, anyway. My first actual contact of the beyond that type, I had in a chatroom at the age of 32. 😉

Sarcasm? Far from it. I completely agree with what you're saying hence the positive feedback, I would have given you a negative if I disagreed. There is a balance that people need to get between their on/offline lives and like you suggested completely cutting human off contact is a very, very bad idea.

You do realize that internet contacts are with humans, too, right? 😉
I've learned from experience that the closer the online/offline balance comes to 100:0, the better I feel - and I don't see how that should rate as a bad idea.

Of course, if the internet technological base ever collapses, I'm done for. 😛

 

[Abbeycat]

I've basically done away with offline contacts pretty completely since I've got net access... and I'm not regretting it, either. Offline contacts just mean sensory overflow leading to emotional chaos, I don't mind being rid of that. I get that my approach would be shite for 95%+ of people, though... but I guess I'm odd that way in the "internet hermit" being exactly the life I like.

I think I totally get what your saying. I've tried to make friends offline and not whole lot of success with it. Just like making online friends and having online contacts.

 

[Mozzymandias]

I was super-shy up until the last year of high school which was 6 years back. The main thing that made me change was I finally realised that most people in the world don't actually care what you're like, they're nothing in the span of your life, and if you don't be the person you truly are and show it, life could be very miserable. The people who do matter and are gonna be in your life a while, they have to like you for who you are. The fear of rejection is a big big reason why most people are shy, but everyone gets rejected and everyone can deal and the people out there that do matter are gonna love you and embrace all your wacky weirdness and silly quirks.

So all that just lead me to think right I don't care what y'all think of me I'm gonna be who I wanna be and I'm gonna be happier for it.

It also helps that whenever you meet someone new there isn't two people who are shy and it gets awkward, cause you're the outgoing one and can make things less awkward.

Anyone super shy should come out on a day trip with me. I walk around making chicken noises in densely populated shopping centres. IT'S FUN!

But yeah, that was the biggest thing for me, realising that out of all the people you meet, walk past and all that, they're in you're life for basically zero time in you're whole life. If that makes any sense AT ALL.

 

[caitaintdead]

I know you're saying that internet friends are easier to make, but I don't think that really means anything. You probably wouldn't be able to make friends with these people in the real world, and isn't that what really matters? Of course, I have no qualms with online friends, but I think socialising is such a huge part of human nature and is something that people should really work on.

After all, the entire purpose of human nature is to keep the future of the human race alive and kicking, and sitting on your own, behind a computer is definitely not conclusive to that. Can you imagine the world if everyone just sat on their own behind a computer all the time? No hearing a childs laughter, or dancing the night away in front of a live band, and then we would slowly see the world crumble away.... Not a nice thought at all in my opinion 🙁

 

[InsaneMystic]

I know you're saying that internet friends are easier to make, but I don't think that really means anything. You probably wouldn't be able to make friends with these people in the real world, and isn't that what really matters?

"Easier", in my case, is a massive understatement. What really matters is that one has any friends, at all... so when the choice boils down to either online-only friends or total lonesomeness, I know where I put my money on. 😉

After all, the entire purpose of human nature is to keep the future of the human race alive and kicking, and sitting on your own, behind a computer is definitely not conclusive to that.

Not trying to attack you, hun... but to me, that's a pretty depressing view of the "entire purpose of human nature". Internet or not, my life will be rated as a total failure then... and basically, so will be the lives of everyone who isn't both straight and fertile. I'm exceedingly comfortable with chalking up the future of the human race as Someone Else's Business. 😛

 

[caitaintdead]

"Easier", in my case, is a massive understatement. What really matters is that one has any friends, at all... so when the choice boils down to either online-only friends or total lonesomeness, I know where I put my money on. 😉

I'm not at all suggesting that having no friends is better than having online friends. I really appreciate the support and company that I get from my online friends. I just think (without trying to sound condescending) that maybe instead of focusing 95% of your time online with people who are able to give you a very 'chosen and perfect' view of who they are, perhaps 50% of that could be on trying to understand why you have so many issues with real people.

A little more on the 'chosen and perfect'. Basically I believe that everyone is better online. You have time to choose your words and the way you project yourself to the 'internet community'. It's similar to writing a book, people can choose to be whoever they want. Personally I like the real life aspect of people. I like seeing how people connect on an immediate basis.

Not trying to attack you, hun... but to me, that's a pretty depressing view of the "entire purpose of human nature". Internet or not, my life will be rated as a total failure then... and basically, so will be the lives of everyone who isn't both straight and fertile. I'm exceedingly comfortable with chalking up the future of the human race as Someone Else's Business. 😛

I totally understand where you are coming from here, and I would like to point out that I don't mean that you are going to fail at life if you (or your body) chooses not to have children. I was trying to explain in my backhanded way that people are meant to be around other people. We're pack creatures really!

Obviously being happy is a huge part of out existence, but lets face it - being happy in this world isn't meant to be easy. To earn money, we work hard and to enjoy the happiness and pleasure of being with people we need to give a little bit of ourselves to get it back. Perhaps a little bit of work trying to figure out why you have issues, and a little bit of selflessness (not saying your selfish, I don't AT ALL think that) and you could be even happier than you are now. A little risk can equal a lot of gain.

 

[InsaneMystic]

I just think (without trying to sound condescending) that maybe instead of focusing 95% of your time online with people who are able to give you a very 'chosen and perfect' view of who they are, perhaps 50% of that could be on trying to understand why you have so many issues with real people.

You're not sounding condescending. 🙂
Trouble is, I've devoted much more than those 50% to understanding it in the past, pretty much understood it all completely (I daresay I play on World League level when it comes to awareness of my own issues, self-honesty and self-criticism 😉), and still there was no sign of any chance of improvement. I basically reached the point where the way to go in terms of efficiency was to abandon all hopeful illusions for "overcoming", be done with it and look what alternatives there were. Thankfully, I live in the cyber age. 😀

A little more on the 'chosen and perfect'. Basically I believe that everyone is better online. You have time to choose your words and the way you project yourself to the 'internet community'. It's similar to writing a book, people can choose to be whoever they want. Personally I like the real life aspect of people. I like seeing how people connect on an immediate basis.

Agreed to that. It's just that, you know, immediate me is just about worthless as a friend, most especially when you're a woman. 😛

A little risk can equal a lot of gain.

Unfortunately, a little risk can also lead to such a whole lot of damage that it takes years to recover from it... and not just damage to myself only. I'm not the type to gamble like that, especially when it involves gambling with other people's assets, too.

 

[soulunsung]

Sometimes I feel like I'm a bit of an outcast, in certain situations. Like, talking with a friend here tonight, I expressed to her that I sometimes feel like an outcast on these boards because I don't know that many people in the threads and because I haven't been a member as long as some of the rest of you guys have - so you guys really know each other and you're able to laugh and joke around and talk with each other. And you actually reply to what the other is saying, for me I feel like some of the things that I say go overlooked and when I'm really trying, I'm still being overlooked.

I don't think anyone on the board means for it to come across that way or means for it to happen, but I think it does or well rather I feel like it does. I don't know, I just feel like I have to try extra hard and when I feel like I'm trying - it's not happening and I can't figure it out. Natural progression has never been one of my strong suits.

I guess I just want to belong so bad that I'll take any type of attention whether it's good or bad and that's not necessarily a good thing. IDK...sorry for the word vomit.

 

[zobothehobo]

Sometimes I feel like I'm a bit of an outcast, in certain situations. Like, talking with a friend here tonight, I expressed to her that I sometimes feel like an outcast on these boards because I don't know that many people in the threads and because I haven't been a member as long as some of the rest of you guys have - so you guys really know each other and you're able to laugh and joke around and talk with each other. And you actually reply to what the other is saying, for me I feel like some of the things that I say go overlooked and when I'm really trying, I'm still being overlooked.

I don't think anyone on the board means for it to come across that way or means for it to happen, but I think it does or well rather I feel like it does. I don't know, I just feel like I have to try extra hard and when I feel like I'm trying - it's not happening and I can't figure it out. Natural progression has never been one of my strong suits.

I guess I just want to belong so bad that I'll take any type of attention whether it's good or bad and that's not necessarily a good thing. IDK...sorry for the word vomit.

This is something I can help with! The way we get to a point on the internet where we have these inside jokes and we can joke with each other and KNOW who the person we're talking to is is by just being us. That's an odd sentence... but it's like this. The only way people on the internet find anything about you out, is if you tell them. We build relationships on the internet very simply... no complicated rules like "you can't say this too quickly" or "you can't do that too quickly" or "you can't offer up this piece of info yet!" It's just so simple... you just do. If you act like you know everyone and like you want them to know you... you will know everyone and they will know you. Simple. I can assure you the people on this board listen to you and don't skip over your posts because you're new. If they skipped over everyone's posts because they're new... no one would ever become a part of this community. The best part about online communities is they CAN'T over look people because they're new. At schools, cliques and friend groups tend to move with the grades... also they tend to have cliques within the cliques and if they ignore new people and don't accept new people into their group, they'll get on just fine... but online, the only way this forum stays open is if new members are accepted with open arms.

And by the way, I've seen things you post, and I love your posts! You're one of my favorite Spuffies! I guess what I'm trying to say is the way you come to "belong" in a community online is to believe you belong. You belong here. I recognize your username when I see it... You just have to believe it now.

 

[caitaintdead]

Sometimes I feel like I'm a bit of an outcast, in certain situations. Like, talking with a friend here tonight, I expressed to her that I sometimes feel like an outcast on these boards because I don't know that many people in the threads and because I haven't been a member as long as some of the rest of you guys have - so you guys really know each other and you're able to laugh and joke around and talk with each other. And you actually reply to what the other is saying, for me I feel like some of the things that I say go overlooked and when I'm really trying, I'm still being overlooked.

I don't think anyone on the board means for it to come across that way or means for it to happen, but I think it does or well rather I feel like it does. I don't know, I just feel like I have to try extra hard and when I feel like I'm trying - it's not happening and I can't figure it out. Natural progression has never been one of my strong suits.

I guess I just want to belong so bad that I'll take any type of attention whether it's good or bad and that's not necessarily a good thing. IDK...sorry for the word vomit.

I totally understand how you feel around the boards. I'm not overly best buddies with everyone. I know there are a lot of people around here at the moment that have lots of private conversations and in jokes, but don't let it get you down!

The tight friendships on the boards come and go, but being able to have a good conversation about Buffy never does!