Peer pressure and social obligation.

[Ms.Trick]

Lately, I've been thinking about peer pressure. I always assumed it was always conscious, a group deliberately pressuring someone. But I understood how subtle it could actually be.

I talked to a girl I vaguely know at school, and she told me that she was mad at the school, because she wanted to see the presentations of mediatic works because next year, she would be the one who presents her own work, so she wanted to see that presentation that was only that day. But she had a class she couldn't miss in the same time. So she left the presentation, to find out that her class was actually cancelled. So I asked her "Then why are you here, why don't you go back to the presentation?". She was hesitating because of two reasons:

1. She thought she couldn't decently enter in the middle of a presentation.
2. She had just missed the presentation of a guy she dislikes and the guy doesn't like her either, and if she comes back just after his presentation, it'll be like she had left not to see him.

So I told her that it was the school's fault if she had to leave and then, it couldn't be hold against her that she came back in the middle of a presentation. I said that it wasn't the politest thing to do, but what she wanted to see was only today and it wasn't her fault if she had to leave. She could enter the room quietly and it would be just fine. But then she still was hesitant about the boy. I didn't know yet they disliked each other so I said "Well, just apologize after if you missed his stuff" and she said "Oh no, we don't talk, we don't like each other". So I said that she didn't have to care because she missed his thing, and she certainly didn't have to apologize because it looked like she was leaving not to see him, I told her she had no reason to have to justify her leaving.

And she said "I know I should do like you say, but that would be kind of rude and I don't want people to think wrong about me for that".

Later, she also said that she felt really pressured even with clothes, that people have such a determined style at school (very Abercrombie and Hilfiger like) that she was afraid not to blend in, and then she was picking her clothes in the morning not to be too different. Then again, I told her she shouldn't do that, and people are more open-minded that she thinks, prove is, I'm not really rejected even tough the way I clothe is not the Abercrombie or Hilfiger like.

Talking with her made me realize how subtle the pressure can be, in the sens that it's not always direct and active, one can be pressured without anyone actually pressuring him.

I also realized that I already had encountered peer pressure and I did give in, partly anyway. The worst peer pressure I've known must be with alcohol.

I don't drink because I definitely don't hold my liquor, I'm very quickly drunk (one might say I'm naturally drunk) and I don't even like the taste of it. At parties, muslims don't get pressured because everybody knows they can't drink alcohol. So when I say I don't drink either, people ask me if it's for religious reasons and always say "Come on, why wouldn't you drink then? It's fun!". Sometimes I decide to try and people say "Taste that, it doesn't have an alcohol taste" so I taste it and it's not that bad, but apple juice still has a better taste.
I know people don't mean to pressure me to make more like them, but the result is that they do it anyway. Now I only drink when someone let me taste a bit of the alcohol (I'm still curious all the time) or when someone can't finish his beer. The taste is less atrocious than before but I still don't really like it.

Once, a friend didn't understand why I didn't want to come at a party at her university. The reason? They only served beer. She would say "That's no big, you're thirsty, you take beer". And I refused because there was no way I willingly go at a place where I know I will only be able to drink something I really don't like.

Now I realize that when I was really younger (about 10 years old), I was maybe disliked or mocked because I was different, and didn't give in to peer pressure. Thinking of it, it's crazy to think that peer pressure starts at a very young age.

And about clothes, last year, people would ask me "Why are you always dressed up in pink? You look like a child like that". Since my style has changed (it changes about every year because I change all the time myself) and now people say "Why are you never dressed up in pink anymore? You look like someone died now". I generally don't answer because I don't want to have to justify.

Why do we always have to justify ourselves when we change, when we are different?

The notions of justifying makes me think about that social obligation that grows stronger with Facebook.
I already noticed that as a teenager with blogs. When someone was starting to post about friends, people would say "Why don't you post about me too? Am I not enough your friend?" Which is why I avoided posting about my friends.
Now with Facebook, people expect you to justify when you delete them. I even knew a guy who sent me a new invitation 5 minutes after I deleted him, and then ask to a friend to ask me why I had deleted him, and then send a mail to say he didn't mean to offend me in any way. I almost answered, but then I thought "Now wait, he sends me mail when I don't log in for a few days, he calls me a c*nt, he keeps sending me mails to know why I don't answer his mails, he send me a new invitation just after I deleted him, he asks my friend why then send me another mail and yet, I have to justify? Why the hell would I do that? I do whatever I want with my Facebook!"

And I used to think "I'm not going to delete that person, we were at school togheter, even tough we never talked" or "I'm not going to delete this person, we still go to the same school, but we never talk to each other anyway and I don't even like her". Now I think "So what? I don't want those people in my friends, that is my right!"
I think it's already a big step I made in my "anti-social obligation" process, because sometimes I talk to friends who say "There are people in my Facebook I want to delete but I just don't really dare...but I'm not comfortable with them seeing my posts so I block them. But I can't delete them..."
I used to think that too, but heck! we didn't sign a pact with our blood, saying "Those people will be my friends for ever on Facebook". We are free to do whatever we want, we don't have to live with those obligations, we are not chained to each other!

I don't know if I just grow to be more aware of those pressures and obligations, but I see them more and more, and I see that I already have the 'victim' of it even tough I never really realized it.


So, what are your thoughts on peer pressure and social obligation?
Did you encountered that a lot in your life?

 

[Wishing Oceans]

I think that everyone faces peer pressure at some point, and social obligation is always present.

And yeah, peer pressure can definitely be relational. 🙂

Personally, I don't see myself as being peer pressured all that much. I'm one of those people that are (happily) left alone for the most part; I've never been bullied, teased, or anything like that. Just about everyone seems to like me (I'm pretty easygoing and adaptable), so I've always been fine.

However, I definitely feel social obligations! I pride myself on being very polite and well-mannered, and it can, upon occasion, get in the way of things. I'm also extremely NOT pushy... It took me a while to just get the "nerve" of being able to ask the server for a kid's menu, lol! I think that that's more my own personal obligation, though.

In fact... Sometimes I wonder if we all interpret "Social Obligations" differently, and then act as our own worst enemies. Like... I attract peculiar people. The vast majority of my friends are extremely eccentric, and are always doing crazy things and acting how they want to act. However, they're also very well-liked.

What if "social obligations" are something that we think are present, but really only is if you personally let it be? It's a bit like that quote, "If you think you're a second class citizen, you are."

Here's another example: a very prominent "social obligation" at the moment is to be thin. Apparently the media is promoting the idea that really thin girls are beautiful, and heavier girls need to lose weight to achieve that same level of beauty.

That idea is then passed on to the "regular" people, and it becomes a social epidemic.

So basically... A social obligation could be a personal one that's wide-spread. After all, who could second guess us more than ourselves?

Of course, it seems less personal when other people decide to play high and mighty, and "Enforce" the social rules. But no one has to listen to those people if they don't want to. You have a choice there.

Bleh, sorry, that was all over the place! I love how my thought changes as I'm writing it, lol. Hopefully it made sense. 🙂 In short, if we change the way society personally views themselves, and install some more self-assurance in people, this so-called "social obligation" issue could be closer to its resolution.

 

[zobothehobo]

One of the biggest differences about me IRL and on the internet is my compliance with social obligation and rules of conduct. On the internet, I understand what they are and generally follow them. In real life, I have no idea what they are and routinely break them. People call me rude all the time because of stupid things I don't even know... It used to bug me... but now I'm like "what the hell. Let them call me rude. I don't give a shit. I didn't do anything majorly rude, like tell someone something bad about them in public forum, I looked at something at the other side of the room that was interesting when I was talking to someone (which apparently is really rude)."

Other forms of peer pressure I've encountered... one of the major ones is my shoes. I love my flip flops. They're comfortable, they're easy to slip on, and they go with nearly everything. So 9/10 I'm wearing them. Even if it's cold outside. My feet don't get very cold... and that's just something about me. So wearing flip flops in the cold is not a big deal. It's a thousand times more comfortable to me for my feet to be a little cold than for my feet to be in boots or sneakers or whatever.. This is an example where I don't give in. I used to justify by telling people all of that that I just said... but like you, I've grown tired of having to justify myself because other people don't like what I'm wearing. So I now say "I'm wearing flip flops" and move. And I have to do that more often than you'd think. It's awful.

A peer pressure I have given into would be... honestly I don't know. I can think of several in high school, but since getting to college... I don't think I do peer pressure at all. I think I started to.. but then I stopped caring and did everything I wanted to. Like I started to try and sit outside the classroom to wait for class to start so I could talk to my classmates. But I learned I ended up wanting to be on the computer and wrapped up in my music instead so I found a quiet, secluded, no one ever goes there place to do that. So I sit there and listen to my music and get on the computer and occasionally watch something before class. And I sing and I have a blast. Then I go up about a minute before class is going to start, walk in the room and be at class. Even stupid stuff like I used to take the elevator downstairs because everyone else did it... now I take the stairs because they're faster and closer to where I need to go. I just don't do peer pressure anymore. I sing loudly on the quad sometimes. I dance on the bus. I sing at the bus station. I wear odd things... including my flip flops in winter. I draw on myself ALL the time. I'm kind of proud of how much I really don't care.

 

[Doppelgang]

Wow, I'm completely opposite to that at the moment, I seem to spend most of my time IRL worrying about what other people think about me and what I'm doing. It's frustrating, I didn't used to be that bothered what other people thought about me. I do unconventional things here and there to break out of the mould other people try to put me in, but I should do them a lot more often I think.

 

[This Year's Girl]

I think there is norms in society when it comes to for example men and women, different age groups and different sexualities and how they "should" act and that's something that can manifest itself as a "feeling" or sort of built in rules on how you should act, a sort of peer/society pressure if you will. I think these kind of norms can be hard to break as they are something we get socialised in to, so most of the time they are invisable to us. Many time a social rule isn't brought to light until someone breaks it. So for us to change it I think that is exactly what we must do.

One of my favourite authors Judith Butler writes a lot about this. She sees gender (for example) as an act that has been rehearsed, much like a script, and we, as the actors make this script a reality over and over again by performing these actions. A key to for this behavoir to stay stabile and have power though is repetition. The statements are not singular in nature or use and must be used consistently in order to exert power. So, in other words, every time we "perform" in a way that is not according to the norm it changes the norms stability and we become more and more free to do what we want! Pretty cool I think. 🙂

The littlest things can make a difference and change the way something "has" to be, just 'cause it's always been like that. When it comes to looks I like to switch between being superfeminine and butch, or having a superfemininie expression with a "manly" detail. I wear men's perfume most of the time, and just that, the fact that I smell like a man (Hugo Boss ftw, yo! 😀) has gotten people to talk about norms and social rules and be a little more open.

 

[prophecygrrl]

Peer pressure and social obligations...hm, well, I try not to care about them. I mean, I'm very polite in real life to strangers and all that (please and thank you, pardon me, etc. etc. 😀) so I'm good in that department and I like saying all those things, lol, but when it comes to peer pressure or my own beliefs and interests, I really try not to care. There are definitely times when I just want to blend in and not be noticed at all, keep moving on, graduate, go to college and leave, but I won't change what I believe or like for anybody.

If I feel out of place somewhere or if my friends are doing something embarrassing nearby (I love 'em, but lmao...they are much more carefree than I am!), then I do get anxious, especially if people are looking at me. I don't know, I just can't help it. When it comes to appearances, I think I am much more inclined to give in to societal pressure.

 

[Ms.Trick]

If I feel out of place somewhere or if my friends are doing something embarrassing nearby (I love 'em, but lmao...they are much more carefree than I am!), then I do get anxious, especially if people are looking at me. I don't know, I just can't help it. When it comes to appearances, I think I am much more inclined to give in to societal pressure.

Oh yeah, some of my friends at school are kind of socially impaired (and proud of it) and I don't mind at all, but when someone else come to talk to me and say hi and then say hi to my friend but my friend doesn't answer, I feel kind of embarrassed. Once a guy even told me "Your friend, she said hi to me and then she just snobbed me" and I said "Hum, yes, she's eeeer...shy." Then I told the friend the guy felt offended and she said "You could have just told him I don't like people, which is closer from the truth, you know". I knew this was the reason but I couldn't bring myself to say the real reason because I was afraid she would be disliked. And she said "But I don't care, I don't like anyway 😀"

It also happened when someone from the class was asking for my Dutch class notes. I said I didn't have any (which was true, say hello to the day-dreamer). So she asked "What about your friend? She's like a Hermione!" And I didn't want to say "sure, I'm going to give you my friend's her without asking her, or I will say I will ask her, making her look like a bitch if she says no". So I said "Oh well you know, she's a fake-Hermione, she doesn't really pay that much attention you know". Then again, my friend said "Why didn't you just tell the truth?"

It's weird that I feel the need to protect my friend of her attitudes she's not ashamed of, and I think it's in a way like I was saving her image so she won't be pressured, while she just doesn't care what people are going to think.
For that, I think she's further than I am in her peer pressure resistance.

 

[Ianigsy]

I once went to a very interesting exhibition at the archaeological museum in Durham about the way we tend to view ancient civilisations through the values of our own society. So most of the textbooks about the Stone Age tend to show the men going off to hunt mammoth while the women look after the children and discuss their latest mammoth recipe. In reality, as far as we can tell life in the Stone Age didn't allow for such rigid divisions- everybody had to help with hunting, cooking, looking after children and so on, particularly if your partner died.

In my own case, I was never part of the in crowd at school so didn't really try to fit in- the problems came when I went away to university because I was quite institutionalised in my own way after going to a very academic school and coming from a small close-knit family, and didn't really know how to fit in when I wanted to.