Christopher
Potential
Everybody knows somebody that lies all the time. I especially knew a load at School. These idiots can totally mess with your perception of stuff in general. That time in life is when you're still in the vulnerable learning process, so when a Billy Bullshit comes along saying he can do something impossible, you, in your naivety assume that you can reach a similar level to him. So when you actually try you either get injured or make a fool of yourself.
There was one kid at my first primary school who claimed to be Harrison Ford's cousin, who came into school one day with the actual whip used in the filming of the Indiana Jones movies which, curiously, resembled a hoover nozzle attachment with some electric cable tied to it. When I was at secondary school, some kid who liked causing trouble and showing off claimed in all seriousness that he put a 1p coin on a railway line and it flipped over a train. Makes me smile even to this day.
When I was about ten, I remember this kid called Martin. He claimed that his dad had, in some combination, at one point worked for Nintendo, Sega and Commodore. As a result he had obviously played hundreds of games from the far-flung future. One favourite of his was Super Mario Bros. 10, where apparently at the end both Mario and Luigi had sex with the Princess. Also, he claimed he had played a game that was full of naked people, and the men fired lasers from their willies and the women fired lasers from their boobies and fannies. Seemed a bit unbalanced to me.
There was also a kid who claimed that he had found silicon deposits in his back garden using his home computer, and had consequently built a vast underground bunker full of supercomputers, accessible via a special elevator that could be called from a special switch that he had hidden behind his bedroom light switch. He even brought in a special security pass (which, curiously, resembled a plastic ID card from a science-fiction playset) for me and a couple of friends so that we would be able to access that switch. He never quite got round to bringing in the Transformers with working lasers that he promised us after his dad bought them in America. He, curiously, just kept forgetting them.
My sister had a 'friend' who claimed to be in love with a total hottie. Nothing wrong there, except she took a picture of him to school one time. Eventually it appeared to be just a cut out photo of a model in some perfume ad. She tried to cover it up by claiming that her bf looked just like him. Another kid in school reckoned his dad was in the SAS. Not entirely impossible, but he also claimed his dad kept a helicopter in the back garden of their council house and would fly to Ireland every weekend to bomb the IRA.
However, you'd expect this from kids. When adults are involved things become crazier because there is usually something psychologically wrong with people that feel the need to lie all the time to make themselves appear interesting. I was in a pub one time and this guy I'd met a few times told me that David Bowie was like a dad to him and they were really close. Go on, I said prove it. So this guy takes out his mobile and "calls" David Bowie and has a conversation with him, of course when I said I'd like to chat to him as well there were many reasons why I couldn't.
Pub liars are usually drunk so their bullshit can be somewhat excused, but there isn't an excuse for some of the rubbish people I've worked with have come out with. The latest one is a guy I worked with, called Richard (or Dick, as he is a dick) who looks like Herman Munster, but with a personality bypass. He must have nothing but funhouse mirrors at home, because he thinks he's the shit. Too many lies to mention, but it's the ones about the women he claims to pick up all the time. He was in buying a coat last week in H+M, a black 'perv' coat. Says that as he was paying for it, he asked the shop assistant for her phone number. Of course she duly obliges and they were 'Having dinner next Thursday'. He was spreading this around like wildfire, some dicks eating his every word, like proper "GO ON, MY SON!!" shit. Thing is, I was in H+M the same day. The exact same time in fact. And I saw his mum buy him his coat and him go completely red when she told him, that they had to 'go to Primark next, as you're badly off for underwear', all within earshot of this 'lovely' shop assistant.
There was another bloke I used to work with who was brilliant for bullshit. Whenever there was sport on tv he used to claim to be an expert because he used to do that sport professionally. This included Speed Skating and Synchronised swimming. This he insisted was true even though he was pretty tubby and only about 25. He was also a big Inter Milan fan and once when they were playing in Europe he left work early to fly to Italy to go see them. We all knew this was bullshit so asked if he could bring us back some programmes or memorabilai or something like that. Unsurprisingly on his return (without any progrmammes or memorabilia) he claimed he couldn't be arsed getting a programme as they were only sold on the opposite side of the stadium to where he sat.
Before this I worked with a guy called Dave who was quickly renamed "do it all Dave" as he had seen and done everything you could imagine. Lunchtimes became entertaining though as we started to drop random things into the conversation to see if he would join in and claim to have also done it. Some of the memorable ones include driving a WWII tank, breaking his neck by diving into an empty swimming pool, owning some completely made up albums by Pink Floyd (I can't remember the titles but they were ridiculous things like "mind the kettle" and "hatstand pavlova"). It went from amusing to quite depressing and not at all funny though when one of the girls at work had a child who was ill in hospital with meningitis, and Dave decided to tell her how he'd had it too.
Another guy claimed after returning from holiday in the US that he had been playing basketball, then Will Smith came onto the court and joined in. Ok! Also another guy who must have been in his 40s claimed that he had a pair of night vision goggles and he was out with them one night and spotted a monster in a bush.
Yeah, just a monster.
There was one kid at my first primary school who claimed to be Harrison Ford's cousin, who came into school one day with the actual whip used in the filming of the Indiana Jones movies which, curiously, resembled a hoover nozzle attachment with some electric cable tied to it. When I was at secondary school, some kid who liked causing trouble and showing off claimed in all seriousness that he put a 1p coin on a railway line and it flipped over a train. Makes me smile even to this day.
When I was about ten, I remember this kid called Martin. He claimed that his dad had, in some combination, at one point worked for Nintendo, Sega and Commodore. As a result he had obviously played hundreds of games from the far-flung future. One favourite of his was Super Mario Bros. 10, where apparently at the end both Mario and Luigi had sex with the Princess. Also, he claimed he had played a game that was full of naked people, and the men fired lasers from their willies and the women fired lasers from their boobies and fannies. Seemed a bit unbalanced to me.
There was also a kid who claimed that he had found silicon deposits in his back garden using his home computer, and had consequently built a vast underground bunker full of supercomputers, accessible via a special elevator that could be called from a special switch that he had hidden behind his bedroom light switch. He even brought in a special security pass (which, curiously, resembled a plastic ID card from a science-fiction playset) for me and a couple of friends so that we would be able to access that switch. He never quite got round to bringing in the Transformers with working lasers that he promised us after his dad bought them in America. He, curiously, just kept forgetting them.
My sister had a 'friend' who claimed to be in love with a total hottie. Nothing wrong there, except she took a picture of him to school one time. Eventually it appeared to be just a cut out photo of a model in some perfume ad. She tried to cover it up by claiming that her bf looked just like him. Another kid in school reckoned his dad was in the SAS. Not entirely impossible, but he also claimed his dad kept a helicopter in the back garden of their council house and would fly to Ireland every weekend to bomb the IRA.
However, you'd expect this from kids. When adults are involved things become crazier because there is usually something psychologically wrong with people that feel the need to lie all the time to make themselves appear interesting. I was in a pub one time and this guy I'd met a few times told me that David Bowie was like a dad to him and they were really close. Go on, I said prove it. So this guy takes out his mobile and "calls" David Bowie and has a conversation with him, of course when I said I'd like to chat to him as well there were many reasons why I couldn't.
Pub liars are usually drunk so their bullshit can be somewhat excused, but there isn't an excuse for some of the rubbish people I've worked with have come out with. The latest one is a guy I worked with, called Richard (or Dick, as he is a dick) who looks like Herman Munster, but with a personality bypass. He must have nothing but funhouse mirrors at home, because he thinks he's the shit. Too many lies to mention, but it's the ones about the women he claims to pick up all the time. He was in buying a coat last week in H+M, a black 'perv' coat. Says that as he was paying for it, he asked the shop assistant for her phone number. Of course she duly obliges and they were 'Having dinner next Thursday'. He was spreading this around like wildfire, some dicks eating his every word, like proper "GO ON, MY SON!!" shit. Thing is, I was in H+M the same day. The exact same time in fact. And I saw his mum buy him his coat and him go completely red when she told him, that they had to 'go to Primark next, as you're badly off for underwear', all within earshot of this 'lovely' shop assistant.
There was another bloke I used to work with who was brilliant for bullshit. Whenever there was sport on tv he used to claim to be an expert because he used to do that sport professionally. This included Speed Skating and Synchronised swimming. This he insisted was true even though he was pretty tubby and only about 25. He was also a big Inter Milan fan and once when they were playing in Europe he left work early to fly to Italy to go see them. We all knew this was bullshit so asked if he could bring us back some programmes or memorabilai or something like that. Unsurprisingly on his return (without any progrmammes or memorabilia) he claimed he couldn't be arsed getting a programme as they were only sold on the opposite side of the stadium to where he sat.
Before this I worked with a guy called Dave who was quickly renamed "do it all Dave" as he had seen and done everything you could imagine. Lunchtimes became entertaining though as we started to drop random things into the conversation to see if he would join in and claim to have also done it. Some of the memorable ones include driving a WWII tank, breaking his neck by diving into an empty swimming pool, owning some completely made up albums by Pink Floyd (I can't remember the titles but they were ridiculous things like "mind the kettle" and "hatstand pavlova"). It went from amusing to quite depressing and not at all funny though when one of the girls at work had a child who was ill in hospital with meningitis, and Dave decided to tell her how he'd had it too.
Another guy claimed after returning from holiday in the US that he had been playing basketball, then Will Smith came onto the court and joined in. Ok! Also another guy who must have been in his 40s claimed that he had a pair of night vision goggles and he was out with them one night and spotted a monster in a bush.
Yeah, just a monster.
M
mayfever
you should have your own TV show Chris.
W
Willow My Love
"brilliant for bullshit" I love that!
