Question Relationship Advice

[The Slayerette]

I am totally not sure where to put this so I'm putting it here.

Dear Buffy-Boards,

I have been seeing my girlfriend for about a good month now, we met
over the internet, and we both fell in love with each other
instantaneously! The issue is that she is already married, but
unhappily and she wants to leave him, and she lives on the other side
of the country. The problem is, she is scared to because they have a
8 month infant, and she is also afraid of being "hurt" if she tells
him that she wants a divorce. He is extremely controlling and tries
to run every aspect of her life. She has been a victim of marital
rape which is illegal in her state.

I want very much to go and rescue her and get her out of that
situation. The problem is neither of us are able to afford to
relocate, I am always there for her and I need to know what sort of
options we might have. I need to help her but I'm not exactly sure
what I can do. I would appreciate your advise.

Thank you,

 

[Blondie Bear]

(I think this should go in Social Studies, actually.)

My advice: don't do it. My husband has been in this exact position. To make a long story extremely short, he moved to Maine from Virginia a total of 6 times because she kept kicking him out then calling him back, she went out with her friends and got drunk almost every night, continued sleeping with her ex-husband and a bunch of other guys, etc. etc. The only possible way this can end well is if she leaves him first and gets herself and her child stable on their own before you guys get together. Otherwise, the entire thing is doomed to unhealthiness.

I'm not saying you should abandon her; far from it. Just don't be too quick to move across the country, especially if she hasn't COMPLETELY broken off the relationship with her husband. And she's going to have a lot of emotional recovering to do, which really needs to be done on her own before she gets together with anyone else.

 

[The Slayerette]

Thank you for responding, the thing is, she doesnt have any romantic relations with him at all, and does not love him whatsoever, she is just afraid of asking for a divorce and leaving. But she wants to, more than anything else...

 

[OldSwede]

Hi Slayerette, you are in a very difficult situation, and I hesitate to give advice which could end up making it even worse. Also, you are the one who knows the situation and the people involved (including yourself) best, so ultimately you probably shouldn't listen to me anyway but do what you think is best.
Your options seem very limited by the fact that you live in different parts of the country and neither of you can move. Is that really a fact or is it "just" how you (and she) see it right now? And how well do you actually know her, besides from the Internet?

 

[The Slayerette]

We have known each other for over a year now and we talk several hours a day on the phone. It's how we see it right now. Ultimately, with a new development that just occured. Her parents are moving to the same state as me ironically, so she plans on coming with them. So, that is in a month, I'm just worried about her until then...

 

[The Arcane]

At this point I'd say your only real choice is to wait and see how things work out with her parents move. Obviously neither of you are going to be able to finance a move of your own any time soon so it's probably going to be a matter of depending on her parents to open your options up.

I'd say that once she has moved to where you are the entire situation will change for the better. You've waited this long so another month or so should be manageable. At least then she will have a stable and safe home that is much more local to you and you can both then think about dealing with any other issues regarding her previous relationship with more freedom.

 

[SpikedBuffy]

Has she told her parents about this situation? She may be a grown woman and have children, but you can still turn to your family for help. They can maybe help her out with discussing her feelings and getting her out of there if she indeed does want out of her current relationship.

I hope that everything works out for you. Take it slow. Think through everything.

 

[Blondie Bear]

If she can move with her family, that will take care of a lot of the worries I expressed. But, as others have said, just take it slow. Let her recover and find her emotional stability before jumping into anything.

 

[palabravampiress]

I agree with the others. Let her move with her family and lean on them for support right now. That is, after all, why families exist. Let her heal and adjust before you take any more serious steps toward a relationship and, if possible, let the divorce go through. If she is taking her child and moving to another state, she may have a lot of custody issues with which to deal. I'm not saying that you shouldn't continue to be there for her. I'm just saying that taking things slowly and cautiously is probably for the best, especially so that your involvement with her doesn't damage her situation in court when it comes to the divorce and the custody settlement.

 

[Tueuse de Vampires]

While we're on the topic of relationships, could anyone give me some advice? ight now I'm in a pretty bad situation but I'm not fully sure how to handle it. I'll just tell you the story
Okay, there are these two guys, H. and M. who are pretty much best friends. There's this girl I. who knows them both. At one point last year H. told I. he had feelings for her. Nothing happend. Then, one year later she somehow realized she did have feelings for him so they sort of started something. But it didn't work the way planned. H. realized that I. and M. also got pretty close and developed feelings for each other. The whole thing got weird so he broke up with I.. One or two months later I moved to the same house where H. and M. live. From the beginning on there was something between H. and me but it took some time til he acted on that and we were sort of dating. Then, some days later, he told me he couldn't do this because he was still in love with I. and this was not the right time for him to start a new relationship because he knew he would end up hurting me, especially with us living together and stuff. Now that's where we all stand and things are pretty weird between the 4 of us. I'm pretty sure we all know who's into who here (which is pretty tangled up) but we also know that at least 3 of us live together and that we are all friends and don't want to eff that up.
So anyone an idea how to get out of all of this? I still want that guy so badly btw. So just being friends would be a painful solution for me.

 

[Dancing man]

While we're on the topic of relationships, could anyone give me some advice? ight now I'm in a pretty bad situation but I'm not fully sure how to handle it. I'll just tell you the story
Okay, there are these two guys, H. and M. who are pretty much best friends. There's this girl I. who knows them both. At one point last year H. told I. he had feelings for her. Nothing happend. Then, one year later she somehow realized she did have feelings for him so they sort of started something. But it didn't work the way planned. H. realized that I. and M. also got pretty close and developed feelings for each other. The whole thing got weird so he broke up with I.. One or two months later I moved to the same house where H. and M. live. From the beginning on there was something between H. and me but it took some time til he acted on that and we were sort of dating. Then, some days later, he told me he couldn't do this because he was still in love with I. and this was not the right time for him to start a new relationship because he knew he would end up hurting me, especially with us living together and stuff. Now that's where we all stand and things are pretty weird between the 4 of us. I'm pretty sure we all know who's into who here (which is pretty tangled up) but we also know that at least 3 of us live together and that we are all friends and don't want to eff that up.
So anyone an idea how to get out of all of this? I still want that guy so badly btw. So just being friends would be a painful solution for me.

Stay friends honestly I was in a similiar situation a few years ago lost three of my best mates. Also if it was true love or that jazz you wouldnt need to post this thread on a forum of strangers using letters as people.

 

[The Arcane]

So anyone an idea how to get out of all of this? I still want that guy so badly btw. So just being friends would be a painful solution for me.

All due respect to Dancing man but I'd give you the exact opposite advice. If you try and stay friends with a guy you are clearly way passed friends with it will lead to nothing but heartache, especially if he ends up falling for someone else again before you act yourself. At that point there is no way your friendship will survive your feelings being hurt anyway.

I'd say you have already reached the point of no return here. If you think that you have the slightest chance to convince him to give it a try then take a risk and go for it. If you honestly believe that he isn't going to respond the way you want, let it go. Either way, there is a chance you will risk the friendship. You just have to decide which risk is the greater.

 

[Dancing man]

All due respect to Dancing man but I'd give you the exact opposite advice. If you try and stay friends with a guy you are clearly way passed friends with it will lead to nothing but heartache, especially if he ends up falling for someone else again before you act yourself. At that point there is no way your friendship will survive your feelings being hurt anyway.

I'd say you have already reached the point of no return here. If you think that you have the slightest chance to convince him to give it a try then take a risk and go for it. If you honestly believe that he isn't going to respond the way you want, let it go. Either way, there is a chance you will risk the friendship. You just have to decide which risk is the greater.

Hahaha check you out sweet advice.

Basically as far as im concerced the decision you have to make is a realtionship that might fail better than a friendship that could last forever.

Thats the only question you must answer.

 

[The Arcane]

Hahaha check you out sweet advice.

I'm like Jeremy Kyle but without the chavs! 😉

Like I said though, if she feels that way about the guy already then I doubt a friendship will be enough for her longterm anyway so who is to say it would last forever no matter what she does?

 

[Dancing man]

I'm like Jeremy Kyle but without the chavs! 😉

Like I said though, if she feels that way about the guy already then I doubt a friendship will be enough for her longterm anyway so who is to say it would last forever no matter what she does?

Yeah your screwed if you do and screwed if you dont you may as well say F**k it and go for it. Nothing worse than regrets and I myself carry way more regrets than a 19year old should so throw caution to the wind and live for today because tomoz you may be dead.

 

[Tueuse de Vampires]

If you think that you have the slightest chance to convince him to give it a try then take a risk and go for it. If you honestly believe that he isn't going to respond the way you want, let it go. Either way, there is a chance you will risk the friendship. You just have to decide which risk is the greater.

Sorry, forgot to mention that. He told me that there is a possibility for a relationship as he also likes me and everything, but he can't tell me when or if at all.

 

[The Arcane]

Sorry, forgot to mention that. He told me that there is a possibility for a relationship as he also likes me and everything, but he can't tell me when or if at all.

Same advice then, although with a little less benefit of the doubt on his behalf.

I don't know the guy but speaking from a guy point of view that sounds a lot to me like he is stringing you on and keeping you at arms length. I still say go for it, if you like him as much as you do, but don't let him mess you about with "possible" and "maybe" commitments. Get a definite yes or no because the situation you are in with him is too complicated to be wasting your time on if it's going nowhere. Plenty of other guys out there, sweetheart. 😉

 

[Dancing man]

Sorry, forgot to mention that. He told me that there is a possibility for a relationship as he also likes me and everything, but he can't tell me when or if at all.

You want to form a risky realtionship with a guy who can only respond with maybe mmmmmmmmmmm sounds like a tempting offer I must say 😛

Get an answer out of him he knows one way or the other and you deserve to know!

 

[The Slayerette]

Okay thanks a lot for hijacking my thread... next time start your own thread.... that was really rude.... and I expect an appology.... =(

 

[The Arcane]

Okay thanks a lot for hijacking my thread... next time start your own thread.... that was really rude.... and I expect an appology.... =(

I don't think any harm was meant. SS probably just thought this was an appropriate place to discuss relationshippy issues rather than start another thread talking about the exact same type of things. Makes sense to keep the forums as tidy as possible.

Won't stop anyone continuing to offer any advice you still want though, I'm sure. 🙂