Relationship Advice

[Hero]

I figured that BB would be a good place to ask for relationship advice. Mostly because we have young teenagers to middle aged people. So, there's bound to be others in a new relationship or those that are already married.

I've been dating this guy for 3 months. He just recently turned 25, and I'll be 23 in June. Everything was fine, but then two weeks ago the texts stopped, the phone calls stopped, and pretty much all the affection stopped. Not completely, but if they were at 100%, the occurence dropped to like 10%...all over night.

Me being the outspoken person that I am, I've called him out twice now and asked him if he wants to be with me still. He keeps saying that he is "comfortable" and it's not my fault that I'm still in the "honeymoon fase." Now, we all know that when people start to date there is always that fase where everything is perfect, the other person is perfect, and your in love omg!!!!!1!!!!111!!!! We definitely had that, but now I feel like that is definitely over. The problem is there is NO sign at all that he still wants to be with me. Whenever I bring it up he says "if I didn't want to be with you, I wouldn't."

Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, I guess. He works 50 hours a week. I work 30, have a second media related job, and I'm taking two classes for it at school. We're bound to have days where we're not as talkative or into each other, but one day he literally said, "if we don't talk for a couple days - i don't care. if we don't see each other for a week - i don't care. i'm comfortable now." But, there is something else that bothers me....

He is best friend's with his x of 6 years. They work together too. There have been two instances that I can think of where I felt threatened. The first was our one month anniversary he came maaaaaadddd late and when I asked why he said he had to pick up a thumb drive for work from his x's house. Then a few weeks ago I was going through a really hard time. So I was like can you please come here and just lie in bed with me? He said no he couldn't because his x was taking him out to dinner and couldn't cancel the plans with his x for me. At my boyfriend's birthday at the bar this guy even showed up and I...started a fight with him because... Well, I'm a little bit of a bad-ass and have a little bit of an attitude problem.

So, what do you guys think? Am I being way too insecure? Do you think my boyfriend is cheating? Is the relationship worth pursuing if things aren't great this early? Share your thoughts, that's why I made this thread.

 

[Washburne]

It's easy to be insecure and start overthinking. I'm great at that, be it about relationships or not. I'm by far not a relationship expert but here's my thoughts anyway. Problems can be overcome and it seems that you have some. It needs work to overcome relationship problems and it can't be fixed by just one of you trying. From what you're said you might do what you don't want to, give him space. As it's going now it can't continue right? Sometimes a little time apart is what's needed to get closer again and pushing to spend more time together can drive him away even more. Sadly you don't seem to be his priority right now. If the relationship is coming to an end dragging it out doesn't help. Easier to say when you're on the outside, not being the one in love.

Is it worth pursuing? That's up to you. It won't get back to awesome over night. Maybe it never will but as I said, problems can be overcome. Just don't let your efforts destroy you.

 

[PrincessBuffy16]

If he's treating you like that, I say, get out of that relathionship. Honeymoon fase should never end.. not completly. You can't just wake up one day and be in a relathionship just to be in one. It's normal that people have bad days and good days, but if that drags on, he's not the one for you. And you won't be happy. From this, I can see you're an emotional person, and I also can see, that he's not. And hanging around with his x.. that doesn't have to be a bad thing, but if he's putting his needs before yours, there's something wrong.

I don't know, wait for few feeks, and if you still feel neglected, you do what's best for you. I would end it.

 

[Big Damn Hero]

You need to talk to him about his relationship with his ex. How it makes you feel. Although on that side of things I think you're being a bit irrational. You knew from the beginning that his best mate was his ex, and if they've been ex for six years they've had plenty of chances to start things back up again, and obviously haven't (unless I've mis-read your post).

As for the "honeymoon phase" being over, it happens. But it sounds like this bloke has just gone cold turkey on you. Perhaps try and arrange a "date night" or a special event in the future rather than just spur of the moment stuff. I dunno.

 

[Bexieh]

I agree that maybe you should talk to him about his ex. I've been in a similar situation with a guy who was really close to his ex. He broke up with her on and off for a little while before immediatley jumping into a relationship with me (which in hindsight, probably should have rang some alarm bells) and used to be on the phone with her for ages when we were hanging out, and stuff like that. Even called me by her name once. Ick. Anyway it made me really paranoid but I was too scared to bring it up incase he just thought I was being jealous. And it drove me crazy. So I definatley reccommend talking to him about it. It's no fun bottling it up inside! Just don't accuse him of anything and try and phrase it nicely, I guess.

Good luck, I hope it all ends well 🙂

 

[Hero]

Sometimes a little time apart is what's needed to get closer again and pushing to spend more time together can drive him away even more.

This is a great point. One I didn't think of.

I can see you're an emotional person, and I also can see, that he's not.

Well, yeah. Relationship wise, I'm very affectionate and I don't like to keep things inside so I talk about them. He was exactly the same way until one day he woke up and just wasn't anymore. That's why I stopped and thought hmmmmmm....

You knew from the beginning that his best mate was his ex

I didn't, actually. Up until the first three weeks that we were actually a couple, the guy was described as his "boss" or his "friend." Although, I guess in hindsight if this was a problem then I should have not pursued the relationship...

But, I did talk to him about the ex and his response was - "he's not going anywhere, so deal with it or leave."

Even called me by her name once.

Oh, see. that would have been it for me lmfao

 

[Lyri]

Honey, this is when you need to think about whether or not this is the right relationship for you. From what you described, it seems like you're more invested in this relationship than he is, but I also think that he's not completely over his ex. If he's blowing you off to spend time with ex when he knows you're upset, and is late on your anniversary because he's with his ex...I'm sorry, but that's just not on.

I think you need to take a step back and think about whether or not this is the guy for you. You are an amazing person, and I know you can do so much better than this guy. *hugs*

 

[arabella]

Get out.
You are worth more than this.
Relationships aren't always affectionate and perfect 100 % of the time, but if this is how this person is and you need more- get more.
You should never be treated second to anyone else. Especially an ex.
You deserve better.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Hero]

So, this problem solved itself.

Last week my grandmother passed away. I told him not to come to the funeral because I'd be in the front row, I have to carry the casket, go up and speak, etc so he wouldn't really be with me the whole time anyway. I asked him to go to one of the wakes and he said he'd go to the night one. The wake started at 7pm and I texted him at 6:40pm asking where he was on the road and his response was, "I'm not coming. I don't want to. I don't care your grandma died. Maybe if we were dating for years it would be different. But we've only been together 4 months so I don't care." and my response was, "ok, we're done. Bye."

He can be replaced... 🙂