Share Your Tips!

[Buffy Summers]

So here's the part of the week where we can all try and help each other.

Sometimes other people on the internet really make us angry, or sometimes people say really nasty things to us. How do you deal with it? How do you keep yourself from posting something nasty?

Share your tips for coping here!

One thing I do when I really want to tell someone exactly what I think of them is this: I write the post saying everything I want to say. And then I don't ever actually hit submit. Just getting the emotions out is sometimes all I need to feel better.

A variation on this, when you want to post something and you're not sure if you should, write the post, then take a break from the board (a day sometimes makes all the difference). Then reread their post, and see if you still think they meant to be nasty or to offend you. Then you can decide with a clearer head whether you really want to submit that post or not.

🙂

 

[BuffyElevated]

As my mom would say, "Kill 'em with kindness". Instead of biting someone's head off, or trying to get the last word, sometimes the best thing to do is either walk away, or be so nice that they just make themselves look bad to keep talking at you.

 

[zobothehobo]

I do this thing where I get up from my computer, pace around my room and say everything I've ever wanted to say to the person. As mean as it gets. It'll go from "you're straight up wrong" to "you are an unbelievable *insert obscenity here*." The best thing about getting mad on the internet is the other person doesn't have to see your gut reaction. It's the same general thing as typing out the post and not hitting submit... except you do it out loud not on the computer.

 

[LoveLoveLovix]

Personally, I try to talk to someone who's away from the situation, but knows enough about it to understand it. If I have an issue with someone online, I usually turn to another online friend to talk about it. This serves two purposes. One, I can get my thoughts out without directly hurting the person who upset me, and two, the friend I talk to normally can help me decide what to say in return that's not mean. It's incredibly helpful.

 

[BananaBuffy]

I completely agree with [MENTION=11012]LoveLoveLovix[/MENTION] and this is something I do rather often, and know that most of us do. Rather than acting rash and immediately posting your thoughts, spending a bit of time ranting to someone else and getting it off your chest can do you good. People are always going to upset you, or make you angry. In a community, even a community such as this, there are going to be people you are going to have differences with--maybe even people you don't exactly like. But it isn't right to disrupt the community of a website, especially if it's as friendly as this one. Keep your harsh feelings to yourself and talk to someone else.

Sometimes I do find though, like Tabby said, that it's better to talk to someone with something of an understanding. Maybe if they know the person or have a general idea of what's been going on. I find that if you talk to someone who isn't of a good understanding (I have done this, I am talking from experience) you can blur the lines a little and they don't get the full story. Therefore all they can do is listen to your judgements of the situation and they cannot provide any insight or help you cool off, which is sometimes needed. If I wanted to talk about something that is happening on Buffy-Boards (not that I really ever do 🙂 I love it here) I would go to someone else that I know that is ON Buffy-Boards because I know they would have an understanding of the situation and provide much needed advice etc. I wouldn't go to my friend Alex, who would have no clue what I was talking about.

I don't completely know what I'm saying here, but I hope you understand. Sometimes it's good to talk to someone, get it off your chest and if you dislike someone, they needn't know. Get along for the sake of the community.

 

[This Year's Girl]

I agree with the stuff being said. Also, I think we should really appriciate the moderators and the great job they're doing here: when I have found myself on the verge of saying something I'll regret in a heated discussion here there's always been a moderator there to help everyone get back on track and defuse the situation by reminding us to keep it civil and discuss the actual topic. I may find it frustrating when it's happening, but it really helps me cope to have that reminder.

 

[sk]

My tip to avoid unnecessary arguments is to not assume the worst in every post.
That's something I see quite often, a general comment that is taken as a personal insult.

Also, just relax a bit and don't waste time on something that isn't fun.

/SK

 

[Nix]

I also talk to someone not from the situation, usually my best mate and gain some perspective on the situation. Then after discussing it I make my decision on how to act and how to feel. It often helps. And I also take a breather from the situation and take some time out then go back to it at a later date.

 

[Jules]

I use Darla's technique of waiting a few days before I post or reply to the thread. I'll admit that that's something new for me, when I was younger, I would unfortuenatley reply straight away and a discussion could turn into an arguement, but now I'll read the reply and if I fell its a personal remark against myself I'll leave it a few days then just reply to the topic.

[MENTION=8356]HisMrs[/MENTION] your mum is so right. I work in complaints and there's nothing better than when you have an angry customer on the phone and you remain completely calm and polite with them, they will eventually start being nice again.

 

[Flannen]

I think the cathartic idea of either posting and deleting or expressing your initial reaction elsewhere is a really good idea.

I also think its really important to try not to put emotions and feelings on to members or posts. Don't just assume that the way you've interpreted it is what the person intended and post in reaction to it. Stop and think about other things they might mean, or if that fails, just ask them. Post and say you'd like some clarification on what they mean because you're not sure. Not only might it save something descending into an argument but it might also save you some embarrassment for firing off at someone for what turns out to be no reason at all!

 

[Enemies]

I like to have a little rant at either myself or my boyfriend. He's quite used to it though so he doesn't mind. I feel if I have a little moan and get it off my chest I can carry on.

 

[Cast No Shadow]

I talk to my closer BB friends, not in a bitchy way, like "Member A said this I hate him/her", that's mean, and it's not productive, but I'd say something like, "Something weird happened earlier, I was talking to Member A and they said this, and I don't know who was in the wrong and who was in the right, what do you think?" gaining an outside perspective is helpful.

I also never forget that this is a forum online, about Buffy. It's a place we should enjoy, and a place to discuss a TV show. It's not somewhere that you should have grievances, and it's not somewhere where all the issues in your life should pour in. It's a place of fun and relaxation.

 

[Kean]

I'll just add a +1 to writing out a post and then deleting it and having someone you can vent to. Both of these are indispensable in my book.

Be assured and confident in your view point and opinion and know that no matter what, no other person can touch it. As Whedon says "The truth, there is no truth. There's just what you believe". So, with that in mind, own your truth. If you really believe in a ship or a character no amount of disagreement or discouragement can rock that. You don't need anyone else to agree with you. So, when you meet dissent just embrace it. Have fun with it even. Maybe there is something you haven't thought of? Be open to new ideas but don't mistake that for relenting in your "truth".

Put yourself in your opposing posters shoes. My ship and favourite character mean a lot to me, personally. So, when I am in a discussion with someone about a ship or character that I don't like I try to keep in mind that the person I am talking to most likely is invested in this in ways I can never understand. I find that reigns me in a bit and stops me from saying something that would be upsetting to that person. I've even found that disliking something I love can mean something incredibly personal to people. Who am I to challenge that?

Treat people the way you want to be treated. It is so simple, but it makes the world of difference.

One of the best pieces of advice I have ever read about being online is "You are here to make friends". And it is the truth. I don't come online to be adversarial or aggressive, I'm here to make friends, to be nice and kind. Because the thing is, it is SO easy to be negative, or a cynic or bitter. The only catch is is that you have to carry around all those horrible feelings with you. It is so much better to put joy and then take that with you.

Have fun. It's easy to forget but ultimately that is what fandom should be about. Not defending or justifying your opinion but embracing the wackiness of fanning a show. It's ridiculous, there is no need for us to take ourselves so seriously.

 

[Buffy Summers]

Treat people the way you want to be treated. It is so simple, but it makes the world of difference.

This is so important.

One of the best pieces of advice I have ever read about being online is "You are here to make friends". And it is the truth. I don't come online to be adversarial or aggressive, I'm here to make friends, to be nice and kind.

That is a great piece of advice. And I can tell everyone on this site right now, if you are here for the reverse, to be "adversarial or aggressive", then you are not welcome here.

A great line from one of the articles I posted this week is that being angry is like drinking poison and expecting it to kill the other person.

🙂

 

[Kean]

A great line from one of the articles I posted this week is that being angry is like drinking poison and expecting it to kill the other person.

🙂

Exactly. Even if we do the whole writing out an angry reply and not posting it, or ranting and raving to a friend about it, it is still just ourselves that feels all that anger and rage. The person you feel it towards is utterly oblivious.

I know anger and frustration is part of the deal in being a person, but I think sometimes we give it more attention than it deserves. At the end of the day you make a choice on how to react to any given thing, why pick the choice that is going to ultimately hurt you?